Hard shoulder wee stops / away day toilet stories

[Ric Flair]

I've got a whole portfolio of horrid experiences.

[SouthStandUpperTier]

There's definitely a podcast idea in here. Leicester City fans talk about all things Leicester City related whilst stopping for an outdoor wee.

 

 

[Basildon Fox]

Me and a mate were drinking all afternoon in Leicester and were well on our way to pissed.  Another mate who was driving finished work and picked us up as we were going to Wolves that evening, the first game after Mcghee had been a Judas bastard and gone to them.  There were roadworks everywhere and we barely made it to the services on the way. Didn't learn our lesson though as we were drinking cans on top of everything else and when you turn the tap on, it is not easy to stop.

 

Cue another 30 mins down the road and about 2 miles from the turn off we needed and still stuck in heavy traffic due to the roadworks.  It was gridlock and we both made the decision to get out and go at the side of the motorway as we could wait no more.  The car was over the other side of the carriageway so we had to cross the lanes to get to the hard shoulder.  We start going and the traffic starts moving.  Our mate is stuck on the outside lane with everyone beeping at him bottled it and drove off leaving us stranded.  This was before mobile phones so we had no chance of getting hold of him.

 

We were panicking when a couple of lads in a builders' van pulled up and picked us up.  They had seen everything and thought it was hilarious.  They dropped us off at a taxi rank and got to the ground from there.  Think we missed about 10-15 minutes of the game all in so worked out ok in the end although the lad driving got pelters for driving off.

 

Also, my brother-in-law is a Man Utd fan and goes to virtually every game.  He gets picked up in a minibus and they have a piss up along the way. They have a big 5l water canister which they pass round as the toilet so they do not have to stop! Imagine the smell of that 2 hours in 

[Guest Mee-9]

Peterborough away in the old terrace. There was a trough that ran a fair way down the length of the stand.

 

Seeing a huge queue of blokes who had shy cock/stage fright, two blokes decided that their Friday night curry was a code brown, emergency situation. They pull up near me whilst having a piss, pull down their pants, and shit in the urinal. The water carries these turds all the way down the stand, dodging the shoes of people standing at the urinal. 

 

Once saw a lad pass out in a long floor urinal at I think it was Bristol City. He was passed out plughole end and was getting a mouthful before his mates salvaged him. 

[Sol thewall Bamba]

1 hour ago, Stadt said:

After the community shield somebody on here moaned about our fans acting like animals (pissing everywhere etc) - I'm 99% sure the post was referring to me  

Knew you'd have a good contribution to this thread

[RonnieTodger]

1 hour ago, Voll Blau said:

Had to go - and I mean properly go - in the concourse after Cardiff away (the post-Vichai's death game) before getting back on the minibus as I knew we'd fvck all chance of stopping until we were out of Cardiff.

 

It was like the scene from Trainspotting. Always try and remember to carry an immodium in my wallet now.

At the same game, I had to walk inside a bush because it was right outside the police station. Came out looking like Worzel Gummidge. 

[CosbehFox]

1 hour ago, grobyfox1990 said:

After coming back from two days in Belfast and a full Guinness diet, i took two dumps within a few hours, and driving down the M2 needed another one. Had to pull over to take a dump in the tree growth on the side, wiped my ar5e with lots of nearby leaves and my hands my loads of disinfectant wipes I always carry as a habit since living in London. Told my wife it was only a pi5s and she did not question it.

 

As an aside, I thought the toilets at Randers were excellent. A urinal at the end but the floor had gaps in it leading into a soakaway underneath, so all the excess pi5s dripped away and you could basically pis5s where you want.

Nearly a year ago today - what a trip 

[CosbehFox]

1 hour ago, Ric Flair said:

I've got a whole portfolio of horrid experiences.

There's definitely a podcast out there for people who've shit in football grounds 

[Daggers]

4 hours ago, SemperEadem said:

Boom off and the best piss you could ever imagine. 

 

4 hours ago, TonyT said:

BEST. FEELING. EVER 😅 

Can confirm...but I never made it off the coach.

 

*not an away day

[Stadt]

9 minutes ago, CosbehFox said:

There's definitely a podcast out there for people who've shit in football grounds 

I had a shit at the Allianz after a 7 hour party train journey from Bochum to Munich. Barely slept, knackered, feet hurt - so sitting down about 2.5 hours before kick off in a clean, spacious disabled toilet was bliss.

 

I shat myself a little bit on the train back.

[Izzy]

Mid 90's, one of our annual trips to Wembley (Palace play off final I think)

 

On the coach about a mile away from the twin towers which we can see in the distance. Traffic at a standstill and I can't hold it in any longer.

 

Jump off the coach, leg it down a side street, have the worlds longest piss, leg it back to the coach - which is now long gone as the traffic has started moving again.

 

Realise my jacket with ticket, phone, wallet, fags etc. is on the coach, so I sprint to Wembley (pissed) and try to find our coach parked among the thousands of others - but no joy.

 

Panic as it's about 5 mins to kick off and luckily spot a couple of mates by the turnstiles who point me in the 'vague' direction of where our coach is but none of us can remember the name of the bus company.

 

Eventually find our coach, driver lets me on, get my stuff and finally into the ground and in my seat about 10 mins after KO.

 

Relief all around 

 

[TonyT]

Some absolute classics in there!! 
 

I have never had a code brown thank god but I’ve watered most of the M1 / M6 in my time. A lot easier for us blokes 😀

[VLC86]

The 85a back to Countesthorpe after football used to be a cracker.

 

This one time I sat on the top deck and the guy behind me is very worse for wear, spending the entire 45 minute bus ride asking me if the bus goes to Countesthorpe every 30 seconds. When he finally reached his destination he attempted to climb down the stairs while the bus was still moving and let out the loudest fart you have ever heard… only it wasn’t just a fart. The top deck ****ing stank of shit, horrendous.

Edited 21 February 2023 by Costock_Fox

[Le Renard]

Come to France, it is a national pastime for men to have a piss at the side of the road, they don't care where they go.  Had a workman come around one day, he took a piss next to my drive and then knocked on my door and wanted to shake my hand. 

[Col city fan]

A load of us hired a minibus to go to that Portsmouth game where it absolutely bucketed it down the whole match and we, stood in the open away end, literally got soaked to the bone. It should have been called off really but I think we went on to win 2-1?

We then got the Ferry to Isle of Wight for a couple of nights drinking.

Ive never been ‘good’ at drinking. A few jars and I’m desperate to piss. So on this particular morning, we’d all piled into the minibus and of course, what happened, we started to crack open the cans. We can’t have got much north of Luton when I demanded that the driver pull into the hard shoulder so I could have the biggest slash you’ve ever seen. 
This was back in the days of very few cctv cameras being around on major road networks so we didn’t get pulled or owt.

As you might imagine, I got a volley!

[TonyT]

3 hours ago, Stadt said:

After the community shield somebody on here moaned about our fans acting like animals (pissing everywhere etc) - I'm 99% sure the post was referring to me  

This is a true story! Was there anyone in that end that didn’t have a wee outside or in the queue for the tube? 🤣

[Plastik Man]

5 hours ago, CosbehFox said:

Chesterfield’s Saltergate was special too 

Reminds many years ago me and a few mates travelled upto Sale to watch the Tigers away at the old ground at Heywood Road.

 

The men's  toilets were just a series of low concrete walls you pissed up, hidden in a corner behind the stand!

[MalletFox]

3 hours ago, Mee-9 said:

Peterborough away in the old terrace. There was a trough that ran a fair way down the length of the stand.

 

Seeing a huge queue of blokes who had shy cock/stage fright, two blokes decided that their Friday night curry was a code brown, emergency situation. They pull up near me whilst having a piss, pull down their pants, and shit in the urinal. The water carries these turds all the way down the stand, dodging the shoes of people standing at the urinal. 

 

Once saw a lad pass out in a long floor urinal at I think it was Bristol City. He was passed out plughole end and was getting a mouthful before his mates salvaged him. 

One of our Peterborough away games, there were loads of blokes just pissing up the back wall, not even in the bogs!! Brilliant away venue London Rd! 😍🤣

[Royston.]

7 hours ago, FoxesDeb said:

1998 Atletico Madrid away, desperate for a wee when we got to the stadium but we were all being escorted by the armed police. A policeman took me to the loos but wouldn't let me shut the cubicle door while I went, and just stood there watching me with one hand on his gun. Very disconcerting!

 

Second time, more recently, we made the trip up to Old Trafford in our title winning season in case we clinched it up there. Driving home across the Pennines with my son in the car, absolutely desperate but nowhere private to stop. Had to go in a bottle in the back of the car, there were too many people about for me to get out and it's not as easy for a woman! My lad is probably traumatised for life 

[TonyT]

45 minutes ago, MalletFox said:

One of our Peterborough away games, there were loads of blokes just pissing up the back wall, not even in the bogs!! Brilliant away venue London Rd! 😍🤣

I was one of them 🤣

[Vlad the Fox]

Not football related, but London marathon, though if it’s good enough for Paula Ratcliffe it’s good enough for me. However I doubt Paula had been over loading herself with carbs and lucozade to the extent my nervous self was.
 

Anyway after about 5 miles in I start to get the tell tale signs, the aches and cramps in my stomach, hoping I can hold it in for another 21 miles I trudge on for another few more miles. However somewhere around 8 miles I start to feel serious movement,  so had to take decisive action and ran the fastest I did all day pushing past the crowds of runners and spectators, down a side street and into an estate where I spotted an old pink abandoned settee, realising it was my only cover I sprinted over to it dropped my shorts and squatted behind it and did something resembling a cowpak. Jumped up and had a quick look around in case anyone was looking then dragged my arse along the arm of the settee to wipe it before rejoining the race feeling a lot fresher and lighter. 

[Fox92]

6 hours ago, CosbehFox said:

As a kid, you'd just end up at the bottom and your shoes in a pool of p**s. It's the worst ground I ever visited in my life. The pitch was above the first six or seven rows of terracing. 

We went to see Chesterfield v Brighton; Third Division 1st v 2nd. Brighton had one of the biggest prospects in the Football League in Bobby Zamora while Chesterfield were skipped by Sean Dyche. We had to plead for a ticket as it was deemed 'all-ticket', the game was delayed by 45 minutes. My and my brother spent the game watching players boots - we left after 60 minutes as it was dull. Chesterfield got a last minute winner. It was used as Elland Road for the Damned United. 

I live and work right near where the ground was on Saltergate. Indeed was used for the Damned United as it was a ground that very rarely changed over time  So matches up with your descriptions.

There are houses there now but a sign that states that years the ground was there.

[MS0204]

Some absolute corkers in this thread and many have made me laugh out loud reading them.. 

[Reg Vardy]

53 minutes ago, TonyT said:

I was one of them 🤣

Peterborough won 2-1 a Tomlinson screamers, urine up to your ankles, we absolutely filled there end, and fro memory 4 toilets for 4,000 blokes all aled up….piss everywhere

[Lee Monty]

This forums definitely gone down the shitter