The joke thread

[Rincewind]

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an 84 year old lady near a park bench sobbing her eyes out.
I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said, "I have a 25 year old husband at home.
He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
Astonished I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
She sobbed saying, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon".
Feeling a trifle jealous I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
She replied "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.
Now really peeved, I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

 

 

Moose, go and fetch her home. She misses you.

 

Goodnight everyone.

[FoxesAreBlue]

A man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading.

The man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache"

The wife replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep"

Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep"

[Webbo]

I know a guy who went to watch a match at Wimbledon and somehow got some strawberries stuck up his bum. 

 

 

 

 

He went to see his GP and he told him "Don't worry, I've got some cream for that".

Edited 21 August 2014 by Webbo

[Facecloth]

Went to the Indian Takeaway last night.

Got a Balti, guy tipped it in a carrier bag. I complained he said

"We are not allowed to put Indians in containers any more"

[Stadt]

Went to the Indian Takeaway last night.

Got a Balti, guy tipped it in a carrier bag. I complained he said

"We are not allowed to put Indians in containers any more"

Don't let Chris Filter see this

[Merging Cultures]

Went to the Indian Takeaway last night.

Got a Balti, guy tipped it in a carrier bag. I complained he said

"We are not allowed to put Indians in containers any more"

I'm not Indian.

[separator]

Sean Connery's book case fell down earlier. He only has his shelf to blame.

[MPH]

Jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says " I'll serve you, but don't start anything! ".

[separator]

BREAKING NEWS

 

The inventor of the anagram has died... May he 'erect a penis' 

[sphericalfox]

I was sat at the bottom of me bed pulling me boxers off...The wife walks in and says 'you spoil them dogs you do!'

[Clever Fox]

Two Nuns walking down mainstreet when they were approached by a Streaker. One had a stroke the other didn't have time.

[jonthefox]

Going to do an Elton John joke now. I hope you don't mind, i hope don't mind. 

[Facecloth]

Just tried to change my password to ManUtdsDefence, but it won't let me because its says it's too weak.

[Nick]

What do Manchester United and Richard III have in common?

That's right - they were both buried in Leicester.

[Rincewind]

Just posted a picture with the same joke.

 

I heard that they were going to get some Thai owners but they only turned out to be cravat owners.

 

I'll get my coat.

[DennisNedry]

I went to the Doctor's the other day and was diagnosed with chronic Catarrh. 

 

Now that really sticks in the throat.

[Alf Bentley]

I asked Bonnie Tyler if she would like some chocolate yesterday, and she said she would love some.

 

So I offered her a Bounty, but she refused, a Mars bar was refused and so was a Galaxy.

 

I asked her just exactly what kind of chocolate she would like. She replied that she would like some chocolate with bubbles in it.

 

Turns out she was holding out for an aero.

 

 

If George Michael hadn't been so inattentive, he might have beaten you to it, but he offered her a careless Wispa.

 

 

I bought Bonnie Tyler’s old car on ebay a few months ago.

It’s bloody awful, every now and then it falls apart.

 

 

She's a serial offender, that woman. I had exactly the same experience, except that I never even received the car.

When I contacted Ebay, I got a message saying that the package was lost in France.

 

 

In further news of 70s pop stars, Elton John's mansion has blown up. There were lewd comments after recent rumours that Elton has a massive flatulence problem.

However, the emergency services have confirmed that the cause of the disaster was just a candle in the wind.

 

Meanwhile, Donny Osmond became the latest big name to get caught up in the Jimmy Saville scandal, after he was arrested on dogging allegations in a layby in Battersea.

However, the police have accepted his explanation that it was just puppy love.

 

....and glam rockers Kenny have been banned from every football forum in the country. Despite warnings, they still persist in doing the bump.

[The Doctor]

I saw a kid today who said he wanted to be batman, so I killed his parents.

[Webbo]

I saw a kid today who said he wanted to be batman, so I killed his parents.

You're such a Joker.

[Phube]

You're such a Joker.

These puns are the Bane of my life.

Edited 30 September 2014 by Phube

[jonthefox]

I saw a kid today who said he wanted to be batman, so I killed his parents.

I'm robin that one.

[RobHawk]

I saw a kid today who said he wanted to be batman, so I killed his parents.

 

Could go in the picture thread but it was your joke that reminded me of it:

 

[The Doctor]

I've got a real apathy towards vegetables.

I just don't carrot all.

[The Doctor]

A friend of mine is convinced he can get a great high from injecting opium into his genitalia... Poppycock.

[Tinman]

Couple driving home and run over a badger. They get out and find it's still breathing but freezing cold, and barely alive.

He says, "Put it between your legs to warm it up."

She says, "But it's all wet and it stinks."

He says, "Well hold its f***ing nose then!"