The joke thread

[TiffToff88]

2 hours ago, Paddy. said:

I'm really glad they've rescued that football team in Thailand.

 

Now when I Google 'Thai boys' I can get back the normal results.

This what you're looking for?

[Bob Weasel Fox]

I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.

[Bob Weasel Fox]

It's been said gambling destroys lives,
Well I dont know, it's brought me and my family closer together.

We now all live in a bedsit .

[Izzy]

Thought I'd try a new concoction of Laxatives and Nitrous Oxide today.

 

Ya know, just for shits and giggles...

[Aus Fox]

I have an old Aunt in Holland who loved inflatable shoes, flew all the way over there to see her collection a few weeks ago. I was devastated to learn upon arriving that she had popped her clogs.

[Aus Fox]

Someone broke into my house last night and stole the mirror from my bathroom. I think they need to take a long hard look at themselves.

[Parafox]

My penis is 12 inches long.

 

I don't use it as a rule.

[Webbo]

On 27/06/2018 at 22:04, cambridgefox said:

The Lion Tamer by Claude Balls

Pubic shaving by Anita Bush.

[cambridgefox]

55 minutes ago, Webbo said:

Pubic shaving by Anita Bush.

More of a Lute than a guitar by Amanda Lynne

[Izzy]

Mr Whippy was sadly found dead in his van today. 

 

He was covered in strawberry sauce and crushed nuts as well as hundreds and thousands.

 

Police reckon he topped himself.

[Buce]

 

I'm amazed no one has come up with a cure for anorexia.

 

It's a piece of cake.

[Buce]

 

A British tourist in the USA has been arrested for killing an unarmed black man.

 

He's been charged with impersonating a police officer.

 

 

[foxfanazer]

What do you call bones that don’t believe in god?

 

Blasfemurs

Edited 17 July 2018 by foxfanazer

[Buce]

 

My missus says she's leaving me because of my crap analogies.

 

That's like throwing away your carpets when the price of petrol goes up.

[foxfanazer]

My deaf wife left me for my deaf best friend

 

I can’t believe I missed the signs

[Izzy]

2 minutes ago, foxfanazer said:

My deaf wife left me for my deaf best friend

 

I can’t believe I missed the signs

My best friend Bob is deaf.

 

I bought him two goldfish recently for his birthday.

 

He absolutely loves them because when he looks at them they keep saying his name.

[Izzy]

The wife phoned me last night while I was down the pub.

 

She said "Are you planning on coming home anytime soon, cos your tea's ready"

 

"Yeah, I suppose so" I replied.

 

She said "Look, can you just tell me roughly what time you'll be home please?"

 

I said "O.K. then. About half past fvcking ten you fat cow"

 

[fazzyfox]

My mother in law has had my pet dog put down.

 

We were visiting the in-laws and I was showing off the dogs trick.

I said "Name a part of the body"

 

Someone shouted "elbow". The dog ran over to them, pinned them to the floor, rolled up their sleeve and licked their elbow for 15-20 minutes.

 

Everyone applauded then a second person shouted "Knee". The dog ran over, pinned them down, rolled up their trouser leg and licked their knee for a good 20 minutes.

 

"That's amazing" said one of the in-laws as they threw a dog treat through the air. The dog jumped up for it but missed and collided with the crockery display cabinet. Cups, saucers and plates came crashing down, smashing into pieces. The mother in-law walks in and screams "The China!"

[woollett the bullet]

The mrs is always going on about me fixing the fence

" I've not forgotten love "I said " no  need to keep reminding me every 6 months ".

[woollett the bullet]

What's so hard about stopping smoking ? 

I've done it loads of times !

[woollett the bullet]

Watching one of those turkish barbers whilst on holiday  in Istanbul. 

They shave with a stone honed cut throat  razor below the neckline ,

Snip and singe ear and nose hair ,

Wax chest hair and pluck all the arse crack hairs.

Finishing with a moustache trim ,alcohol rub  and hot towels . . . . 

 

Honestly the wife has never looked so good

[Beliall]

reporting @Izzy Muzzett for an alt account

[Buce]

 

I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out...

 

I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.

 

 

[Izzy]

I went into a record shop today and asked for the Cranberries album.

 

"The current album?" asked the bloke behind the counter.

 

"No" I replied. "The Cranberries album"

[Alf Bentley]

42 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I went into a record shop today and asked for the Cranberries album.

 

"The current album?" asked the bloke behind the counter.

 

"No" I replied. "The Cranberries album"

 

 

I bet he still gave you the wrong album. That Dire Straits album: "The Sultana Swing".

Either that or Ian Dury's "Raisins to be cheerful", eh?