The joke thread

[woollett the bullet]

Got my sleeping tablets mixed up with my viagra yesterday . . . 

Laid on the bed and had forty wanks

[Tinman]

The inventor of hard boiled eggs wrapped in sausage meat has just died. RIP Scott Chegg.

[bovril]

20 minutes ago, Tinman said:

The inventor of hard boiled eggs wrapped in sausage meat has just died. RIP Scott Chegg.

Yesterday Chasan now Scott. 

[Julian Joachim Jr Shabadoo]

49 minutes ago, Tinman said:

The inventor of hard boiled eggs wrapped in sausage meat has just died. RIP Scott Chegg.

 

The inventor of the little ones is alive and well though, Savour E Egg

[Countryfox]

2 hours ago, Tinman said:

The inventor of hard boiled eggs wrapped in sausage meat has just died. RIP Scott Chegg.

 

The chap who never cooked them long enough died last month ...    Ronnie Egg.

[bovril]

The oldest man in the Inner Hebrides died last week, Boyle, D. (Eigg). 

[Alf Bentley]

In an astonishing coincidence, it is also RIP to:

- The woman who invented a spicy new dish: Carrie Deggs

- The woman who used eggs in a lighter dish: Sue Flay

- The woman who highlighted relevant health issues: Sal Monella-Neggs

[Izzy]

[davieG]

Jokes of the Dr Eggs 

[woollett the bullet]

On 16/09/2018 at 20:14, Izzy Muzzett said:

 

Elderly father or friend.......works equally as well 

Sorry mate

So many pages , so many jokes. 

[woollett the bullet]

I hate all this terrorism business ,

Gone are the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a bus or train and think . . . When no one's looking , I'm having that !

[Izzy]

3 minutes ago, woollett the bullet said:

Sorry mate

So many pages , so many jokes. 

No worries dude 

 

I've found the 'search' function works quite well on this thread to see if it a jokes been posted before 

[woollett the bullet]

1 hour ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

No worries dude 

 

I've found the 'search' function works quite well on this thread to see if it a jokes been posted before 

Thanks

Still learning the ropes .

I'll have a play now I know 

 

[Webbo]

7 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

So many people on here owe you an apology after this page

[Izzy]

I took the wife to the Doctors today because she desperately needs to lose some weight.

 

The Doctor said to her "Don't eat anything fatty"

 

She said "What, you mean like sausages and bacon and stuff?"

 

He said "No. Don't eat anything, fatty"

 

[Benguin]

An Irish man called paddy is travelling to Dublin on a plane. He fancies first class so sneaks up and takes a seat. The air hostess tells him he needs to move as his ticket is for economy. He ignores her and carries on stretching his legs. She goes and gets the the co pilot who tries to speak to Paddy. He says to the co pilot “look I’m Irish, I’m going to Dublin and I’m sitting in first class.” The co pilot, annoyed, fetches the pilot and tells him there’s an Irish fella refusing to move from first class. The pilot comes out and whispers something in paddy’s ear. Paddy says “I’m glad you told me, I’ll move back to economy.” Amazed the air hostess asks the pilot “how did you do that?”  the pilot smiles and says “I told him that first class is for London, you’ll want economy if you want to get off in Dublin.” 

[Trav Le Bleu]

My wife hates it when I say, "we got it second-hand."

 

She prefers, "adopted."

[Izzy]

I was food shopping with the wife in ASDA this evening and suddenly she shouts at me "You're such a lazy fvcker! You make me sick!"

 

Honestly, I was so shocked I nearly fell out of the trolley...

[Izzy]

My wife just told me that she’s going to leave me unless I stop talking like a newsreader.

 

More on this later...

[Trav Le Bleu]

3 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

My wife just told me that she’s going to leave me unless I stop talking like a newsreader.

 

More on this later...

But first...

 

[Ian Nacho]

I went to a fancy dress party and there was a bloke in the corner with a condom on his nose. I asked "what have you come as?" He replies "fvck nose."

Edited 26 September 2018 by Ian Nacho

[Izzy]

A Faith Healer visited Liverpool, a crowd gathered and the Faith Healer told everybody that the power of prayer could heal.

When he asked for a volunteer who was in need of help, Danny stood up and said he needed help with his hearing.

The Faith Healer laid his hands on Danny's head and called for everyone to pray for Danny's hearing.

Then the Faith Healer looked Danny in the eyes and said "Well young man, how is your hearing now?”

Danny looked at the Faith Healer and said,
"I dunno man, it's not until next week"

[Tinman]

I've just heard it's going to take another 3 years to get Big Ben up and running again... Ridiculous considering they're working around the clock.

[Wolfox]

It’s the French "flicking a ruler on the edge of a desk" final this weekend. Held annually in the Dordogneoigneoigneoigneoigne

[Webbo]

I went to a Nudist wedding at the weekend.

 

I was within an inch of being the Best man