The joke thread

[Tinman]

Shout out to all the self aware people out there. You know who you are.

[Alf Bentley]

Shout out to the Trappist monks. Just to wind them up.

[Mayofox]

I offered my Gran £5 for a go on her stairlift. I think she's going to take me up on it.

[Mayofox]

I recently went on a barging holiday. I don't own a boat though, I just kept pushing people into canals.

[HighPeakFox]

How many people from Nottingham does it take to change a light bulb? 

 

 

 

Yeah, like they even HAVE electricity in Nottingham... 

[Buce]

46 minutes ago, HighPeakFox said:

How many people from Nottingham does it take to change a light bulb? 

 

 

 

Yeah, like they even HAVE electricity in Nottingham... 

 

The answer is actually 100. 

 

One holds the bulb while the other 99 turn the room. 

[Beliall]

5 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

The answer is actually 100. 

 

One holds the bulb while the other 99 turn the room. 

its actually 289,301

1 holds the bulb while the rest turn the city

[Buce]

Just now, Beliall said:

its actually 289,301

1 holds the bulb while the rest turn the city

 

You actially Googled the population of Nottingham, didn’t you?

[Beliall]

2 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

You actially Googled the population of Nottingham, didn’t you?

.......maybe 

[woollett the bullet]

On 10/10/2018 at 09:45, Wortho said:

I met a transvestite from Greater Manchester yesterday.

 

He had a Wigan address.

I too met a transvestite yesterday ,

He looked bloody awful in the micro skirt he was wearing . . . . 

But you had to admire his balls !

[Mayofox]

It's difficult to say what my wife does for a living.

 

She sells seashells on the seashore.

[woznotwos]

My wife's taking the kids and leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing.

And they're off !

[woznotwos]

So the wife said why is it that sex is always better on holiday....what a shit message to send me on a postcard

[TiffToff88]

13 hours ago, woznotwos said:

My wife's taking the kids and leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing.

And they're off !

My wife left me because of my obsession with graffiti. The writing was on the wall

[Mayofox]

Singletons, as soon as you meet someone with 10,000 bees, marry them.   Because you know they're a keeper.

[davieG]

Are people just reading the Tim vine book of jokes?

[Tuna]

15 minutes ago, davieG said:

Are people just reading the Tim vine book of jokes?

Yep, it's called The History Of Glue.

 

I couldn't put it down.

[Alf Bentley]

1 hour ago, Tuna said:

Yep, it's called The History Of Glue.

 

I couldn't put it down.

 

Really? I got stuck halfway through.

[TiffToff88]

My second wife left me because I wouldn't stop singing Cher songs.

 

If I could turn back time...

[Mayofox]

"Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"     "We are, son".

[Webbo]

After giving my nephew an Action Man for his birthday he told me wanted a Red Indian instead ,

Been trying to put a brave face on it ever since .

[Trav Le Bleu]

12 hours ago, Tuna said:

Yep, it's called The History Of Glue.

 

I couldn't put it down.

I was reading a book about how they put ships together.

 

It's riveting.

[Beliall]

My missus asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb. So i drew a dick on it

[woollett the bullet]

I organised a surprise bukkake party for my wife yesterday ,

Everybody came . . . 

 

You should have seen her face !

[Parafox]

On ‎12‎/‎10‎/‎2018 at 19:49, Mayofox said:

"Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"     "We are, son".

I heard this awhile ago as, "dad, why are we pyromaniacs"?  "Because we are, son".

 

Kinda works better...