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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Tielemans63

Tielemans63

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A boy and his father are watching Game of Thrones together when a sex scene comes on.

 

"Well son, time for bed," the father says.

 

"But dad, I'm 16 now!" the son complains.

 

"I don't care how old you are, you're not watching me masturbate."

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Izzy

Izzy

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1 hour ago, Tinman said:

I got a pet newt, and I named him Tiny. Because he's my newt.

My wife didn't think I'd give our daughter a silly name, but I called her bluff :D

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Alf Bentley

Alf Bentley

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2 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

My wife didn't think I'd give our daughter a silly name, but I called her bluff :D

 

A bloke I knew was named Bus by his parents.

 

As you can imagine, all his mates went to town on him.

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Izzy

Izzy

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I asked my Gym instructor if she could show me how to do the splits.

 

”How flexible are you?” she replied 

 

I said “I can do any days apart from Tuesdays and Fridays”

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Benguin

Benguin

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A woman is looking for a parrot as she finds them interesting. She finds two nice looking parrots in a pet store, one costs £495 the other costs £5. She asks a staff member why it’s so cheap and he tells her that it used too live in a brothel and swears a lot.

 

amused the woman buys the parrot and takes it home. Once settled it says “**** me, this is a nice brothel.” The woman laughs. Later her daughters come home and the parrot whistles and says “**** me, new girls for the brothel.” A few hours later her husband gets back and the parrot says “**** me keith, not seen you in ages!”

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justfoxes

justfoxes

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Did you hear about the italian chef that died? He pasta way.

 

When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream

 

. Why do women always have sex with the lights off?

Because they never like to see a man having a good time

 

 

 Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy

 

 

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justfoxes

justfoxes

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How many Spaniards does it take to screw in a light bulb ?

Juan !! 

 

 

Due to the recent poor economy Profiteroles will know be called Deficitroles !!

 

 

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him £20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him £40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

 

:nigel:

 

 

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Countryfox

Countryfox

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I'd just like to personally thank Wymes ( @Wymeswold fox ) for giving me a rep for my trio of short but cheeky Doctor Doctor ! jokes ...    thanks Wymes, much appreciated ....    and just for you ..  here's another one !!!  :)

 

Patient :  Doctor Doctor !! ...   I just can't stop my hands from shaking ...

 

Doctor :  Do you drink a lot ?

 

Patient :  No ...   I spill most of it.

 

 

I thangyou ..

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davieG

davieG

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6 minutes ago, Countryfox said:

 

I'd just like to personally thank Wymes ( @Wymeswold fox ) for giving me a rep for my trio of short but cheeky Doctor Doctor ! jokes ...    thanks Wymes, much appreciated ....    and just for you ..  here's another one !!!  :)

 

Patient :  Doctor Doctor !! ...   I just can't stop my hands from shaking ...

 

Doctor :  Do you drink a lot ?

 

Patient :  No ...   I spill most of it.

 

 

I thangyou ..

I'd have repped them but I already thanked my mate for telling me them when I was about 9 years old ;):P:nigel:

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