The joke thread

[Tielemans63]

A boy and his father are watching Game of Thrones together when a sex scene comes on.

 

"Well son, time for bed," the father says.

 

"But dad, I'm 16 now!" the son complains.

 

"I don't care how old you are, you're not watching me masturbate."

[Trav Le Bleu]

Has anyone elae noticed how often the Jokes thread is often right next to the depression thread?

[Webbo]

13 minutes ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

Has anyone elae noticed how often the Jokes thread is often right next to the depression thread?

 I'd like to think of it as therapy rather than the cause.

[Trav Le Bleu]

9 minutes ago, Webbo said:

 I'd like to think of it as therapy rather than the cause.

Depends who posted last I guess.

[Aus Fox]

14 hours ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

Has anyone elae noticed how often the Jokes thread is often right next to the depression thread?

It’s like the sport section with the betting thread and the problem gambling thread right next to each other

[Tinman]

I got a pet newt, and I named him Tiny. Because he's my newt.

[Izzy]

1 hour ago, Tinman said:

I got a pet newt, and I named him Tiny. Because he's my newt.

My wife didn't think I'd give our daughter a silly name, but I called her bluff 

[Alf Bentley]

2 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

My wife didn't think I'd give our daughter a silly name, but I called her bluff 

 

A bloke I knew was named Bus by his parents.

 

As you can imagine, all his mates went to town on him.

[Aus Fox]

Found out today that a Piranha can devour a small child whole in about 30 seconds. Amazing really.

In other news, I no longer work at the aquarium.

[Izzy]

I asked my Gym instructor if she could show me how to do the splits.

 

”How flexible are you?” she replied 

 

I said “I can do any days apart from Tuesdays and Fridays”

[Benguin]

A woman is looking for a parrot as she finds them interesting. She finds two nice looking parrots in a pet store, one costs £495 the other costs £5. She asks a staff member why it’s so cheap and he tells her that it used too live in a brothel and swears a lot.

 

amused the woman buys the parrot and takes it home. Once settled it says “**** me, this is a nice brothel.” The woman laughs. Later her daughters come home and the parrot whistles and says “**** me, new girls for the brothel.” A few hours later her husband gets back and the parrot says “**** me keith, not seen you in ages!”

[Mayofox]

For her birthday, my wife asked for a spa day. When I give it to her I'll tell her it's pronounced "spade".

[Countryfox]

 

Patient :  Doctor doctor !! ...    people keep ignoring me ..

 

Doctor :  Next please ...

[Countryfox]

 

Patient :  Doctor doctor !! ...    I’ve lost my memory ..

 

Doctor :  When did it happen ?

 

Patient :  When did what happen ? ....

 

 

[Countryfox]

 

Patient :  Doctor doctor !!  :  I can’t stop thinking I’m a goat ...

 

Doctor :   How long have you been thinking this ? ..

 

Patient :  Since I was a kid ..

 

 

 

 

[Mayofox]

I'll never forget the last words my dear old grandad said to me....

 

"Stop shaking the f☆☆kin ladder"....

[justfoxes]

Did you hear about the italian chef that died? He pasta way.

 

When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream

 

. Why do women always have sex with the lights off?

Because they never like to see a man having a good time

 

 

 Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy

 

 

[Mayofox]

Did you hear what the drummer called his twin daughters?   Anna 1, Anna 2.

[justfoxes]

2 minutes ago, Mayofox said:

Did you hear what the drummer called his twin daughters?   Anna 1, Anna 2.

A bit like the Spanish fireman who called his new twin boys 

Jose A & Jose B ! 

[justfoxes]

What’s the difference between a crane and a male Girraffe ?

 

Ones got Hydraulics and the other has High Bollox. !

[justfoxes]

How many Spaniards does it take to screw in a light bulb ?

Juan !! 

 

 

Due to the recent poor economy Profiteroles will know be called Deficitroles !!

 

 

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him £20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him £40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

 

 

 

[BirminghamFox]

Does anybody know which actor played Forrest Gump?

 

T.hanks

[Countryfox]

 

I'd just like to personally thank Wymes ( @Wymeswold fox ) for giving me a rep for my trio of short but cheeky Doctor Doctor ! jokes ...    thanks Wymes, much appreciated ....    and just for you ..  here's another one !!!  

 

Patient :  Doctor Doctor !! ...   I just can't stop my hands from shaking ...

 

Doctor :  Do you drink a lot ?

 

Patient :  No ...   I spill most of it.

 

 

I thangyou ..

[davieG]

6 minutes ago, Countryfox said:

 

I'd just like to personally thank Wymes ( @Wymeswold fox ) for giving me a rep for my trio of short but cheeky Doctor Doctor ! jokes ...    thanks Wymes, much appreciated ....    and just for you ..  here's another one !!!  

 

Patient :  Doctor Doctor !! ...   I just can't stop my hands from shaking ...

 

Doctor :  Do you drink a lot ?

 

Patient :  No ...   I spill most of it.

 

 

I thangyou ..

I'd have repped them but I already thanked my mate for telling me them when I was about 9 years old 

[Alf Bentley]

Knock, Knock!

 

Who's there?

 

Doctor

 

Doctor Who?

 

No, Countryfox with another doctor joke!