The joke thread

[Aus Fox]

I had one of those awkward moments today where someone started waving in my direction, I couldn’t work out if they were waving at me or someone behind me so I put my head down and ignored them. They then quickly disappeared...

In other news I no longer work as a life guard.

[TiffToff88]

On 12/10/2018 at 23:53, Beliall said:

My missus asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb. So i drew a dick on it

You should have just drawn her thumb on your dick

[Beliall]

2 hours ago, TiffToff88 said:

You should have just drawn her thumb on your dick

[Bilsthorpe Blue]

I've just swapped our bed for a trampoline. I love it, the wife went through the roof.

[Tinman]

I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion. Apparently “Fooking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.

[Mayofox]

I've got a new job; It's shift work, making chess sets. This week I'm on nights.

 

[Alf Bentley]

16 minutes ago, Mayofox said:

I've got a new job; It's shift work, making chess sets. This week I'm on nights.

 

 

King of the rookies, eh? You'll soon be foreman, queening it over all the shopfloor pawns, then spanking the bishop. You're just after a pay check, mate.

[Izzy]

On 22/01/2018 at 13:54, Alf Bentley said:

 

I hope you don't get involved in any pawn production or get disciplined for bashing the bishop. Leave that to the rookies.

 

39 minutes ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

King of the rookies, eh? You'll soon be foreman, queening it over all the shopfloor pawns, then spanking the bishop. You're just after a pay check, mate.

Not only is the joke recycled, but so is your reply Alf 

[simFox]

Two Irish hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bag six. As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the Pilot says 

 

"The plane can only take four of those." 

 

The two lads object strongly. 

 

"Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board, he had the same plane as yours." 

 

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere. A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick, 

 

"Any idea where we are?"  

 

"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year." Says Mick.

[Alf Bentley]

17 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

 

Not only is the joke recycled, but so is your reply Alf 

 

My reply is not recycled, Izzy, but rather adapted, developed, enhanced or perfected.....a bit like a 12-inch DJ mix of the original joke, mate. 

 

I must admit that it did seem slightly familiar. Clear proof that I'm still only half-senile. 

[Jimothy]

My girlfriend's leaving me because she says I'm obsessed with Fantasy Football.

 

In my defence, I've Maguire, Van Aarnholt, Azpilicueta and Robertson.

[Ian Nacho]

On 14/10/2018 at 10:06, woollett the bullet said:

I organised a surprise bukkake party for my wife yesterday ,

Everybody came . . . 

 

You should have seen her face !

That's literally just a statement

 

[Ian Nacho]

55 minutes ago, Facecloth said:

My girlfriend's leaving me because she says I'm obsessed with Fantasy Football.

 

In my defence, I've Maguire, Van Aarnholt, Azpilicueta and Robertson.

I don't know what's funnier, the joke or the fact you've got a Palace defender in there 

[Jimothy]

Just now, Ian Nacho said:

I don't know what's funnier, the joke or the fact you've got a Palace defender in there 

Good goal scoring record 

[woznotwos]

I put up a high-voltage electric fence around the garden  . My neighbor is dead against it .

[Izzy]

On 13/06/2018 at 22:33, Izzy Muzzett said:

I've recently built an electric fence around my house.

 

My neighbour is dead against it.

 

8 hours ago, woznotwos said:

I put up a high-voltage electric fence around the garden  . My neighbor is dead against it .

Seriously, I'm gonna have to start demanding royalties on this thread 

[woznotwos]

1 hour ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

 

Seriously, I'm gonna have to start demanding royalties on this thread 

That wasn't so long ago aswell ffs. I'll get mi coat.................

[Buce]

2 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

 

Seriously, I'm gonna have to start demanding royalties on this thread 

 

I trust you’ll be passing them on to Bob Monkhouse, if you do?

[Izzy]

6 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

I trust you’ll be passing them on to Bob Monkhouse, if you do?

And Les Dawson (but mostly the editor of Viz)  

[Izzy]

Thought I'd try a new hobby so had a go at Archaeology in the back garden - but all I found was a used tampon.

 

No idea which period it came from.

[Izzy]

I heard today that Cadbury might be moving their chocolate bar production to a factory in Beijing.

 

It could be Chinese wispas

[Tuna]

On ‎15‎/‎10‎/‎2018 at 21:43, Facecloth said:

My girlfriend's leaving me because she says I'm obsessed with Fantasy Football.

 

In my defence, I've Maguire, Van Aarnholt, Azpilicueta and Robertson.

2 left backs? 

[Jimothy]

6 minutes ago, Tuna said:

2 left backs? 

 You can have 4 left backs if you want, it's fantasy football, you not picking a real team, just players you think will score points.

[Tuna]

9 minutes ago, Facecloth said:

 You can have 4 left backs if you want, it's fantasy football, you not picking a real team, just players you think will score points.

 Never played it, as you can probably tell 

[woollett the bullet]

Bought the wife a pair of crotchless knickers for Halloween . . . . 

Its not a sexual thing -

 she'll be able to get a real good grip on her broomstick