The joke thread

[Alf Bentley]

Patient: Doctor, Doctor! .... I've developed a stammer and cannot stop dancing!

 

Doctor: Did you listen to a lot of shite, repetitive music in 1984?

 

Patient. Yes, what's wrong with me? Won't you help me, Dr. Beat, Doc-Doc-Doc-Doc Dr. Beat?! Won't you help me, Dr. Beat, Doc-Doc-Doc-Doc Dr. Beat?! Gonna lose my brain, gonna go insane....

 

Doctor: No! Fack right off and take your shite music with you! 

 

 

[Izzy]

22 minutes ago, Alf Bentley said:

Patient: Doctor, Doctor! .... I've developed a stammer and cannot stop dancing!

 

Doctor: Did you listen to a lot of shite, repetitive music in 1984?

 

Patient. Yes, what's wrong with me? Won't you help me, Dr. Beat, Doc-Doc-Doc-Doc Dr. Beat?! Won't you help me, Dr. Beat, Doc-Doc-Doc-Doc Dr. Beat?! Gonna lose my brain, gonna go insane....

 

Doctor: No! Fack right off and take your shite music with you! 

 

 

Ah yes what a tune.

 

Glorious Leicesterfan and the Miami Sound Machine 

[Beliall]

27 minutes ago, Alf Bentley said:

Patient: Doctor, Doctor! .... I've developed a stammer and cannot stop dancing!

 

Doctor: Did you listen to a lot of shite, repetitive music in 1984?

 

Patient. Yes, what's wrong with me? Won't you help me, Dr. Beat, Doc-Doc-Doc-Doc Dr. Beat?! Won't you help me, Dr. Beat, Doc-Doc-Doc-Doc Dr. Beat?! Gonna lose my brain, gonna go insane....

 

Doctor: No! Fack right off and take your shite music with you! 

 

 

thanks Alf, what a playlist for youtube i have just found through that video

[Alf Bentley]

1 minute ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

Ah yes what a tune.

 

Glorious Leicesterfan and the Miami Sound Machine 

 

I think I've mentioned before the blight that this song cast on my life in 1984.

 

I had a job for a couple of months working long night-shifts on the cross-channel ferries. In the crew rest/recreation area, there was some twat who seemed to have this song on non-stop on a ghettoblaster.

Don't know if he had it on repeat or if it was a 45-minute disco mix or something.....but it ruined my working life at the time, and was my most hated song for ages. Don't actually mind it now. Must have mellowed or vegetated....

[SouthStandUpperTier]

48 minutes ago, Alf Bentley said:

Patient: Doctor, Doctor! .... I've developed a stammer and cannot stop dancing!

 

Doctor: Did you listen to a lot of shite, repetitive music in 1984?

 

Patient. Yes, what's wrong with me? Won't you help me, Dr. Beat, Doc-Doc-Doc-Doc Dr. Beat?! Won't you help me, Dr. Beat, Doc-Doc-Doc-Doc Dr. Beat?! Gonna lose my brain, gonna go insane....

 

Doctor: No! Fack right off and take your shite music with you! 

 

 

And the rest of the joke should've gone like this;

 

Doctor: And how long have you had this stutter Mr. Hardcastle?

 

Patient (Mr. Hardcastle): Since I was n-n-n-n-nineteen-nineteen.

[Countryfox]

1 hour ago, davieG said:

I'd have repped them but I already thanked my mate for telling me them when I was about 9 years old 

 

Well let me tell you matey boy ! ...   you may have heard them when you were 9 but they are STILL funny now ! ...

 

(In my humble opinion ...)   So sucks boo to you !! ...   with knobs on !!!!     

[Countryfox]

1 hour ago, Alf Bentley said:

Patient: Doctor, Doctor! .... I've developed a stammer and cannot stop dancing!

 

Doctor: Did you listen to a lot of shite, repetitive music in 1984?

 

Patient. Yes, what's wrong with me? Won't you help me, Dr. Beat, Doc-Doc-Doc-Doc Dr. Beat?! Won't you help me, Dr. Beat, Doc-Doc-Doc-Doc Dr. Beat?! Gonna lose my brain, gonna go insane....

 

Doctor: No! Fack right off and take your shite music with you! 

 

 

 

Absolute rubbish doctor doctor joke ...   complete garbage ...    

 

Mods ...   this lad should get a ban for this ...      the boys a buffoon.

 

[Mayofox]

I recently gave a talk to a group of backpackers. They were on the edge of their seats.

[Milo]

I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet, and was sent a large shaggy goat with a long neck.

 

Turned out I'd phoned Dial-A-Llama by mistake

[UpTheLeagueFox]

5 hours ago, BirminghamFox said:

Does anybody know which actor played Forrest Gump?

 

T.hanks

I'd be grateful if someone could tell me the name of that American TV sitcom based in a Boston bar.

Cheers.

[Milo]

Just now, UpTheLeagueFox said:

I'd be grateful if someone could tell me the name of that American TV sitcom based in a Boston bar.

Cheers.

Deja vu from last Fridays H&J...!! 

[Buce]

 

Jesus, the last couple of pages have been painful. 

 

How many accounts has Izzy got?

 

[Tuna]

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."

 

The other one says "So are you, you fat git!"

[Mayofox]

Not feeling too happy after the Everton result? Too soon for a joke? Here goes...

 

Chap goes to the doctor's.

-Every morning, regular as clockwork, I have a poo at 8 o'clock.

-Well that's quite normal. Why are you concerned?

-Because I don't wake up til 9.

[Countryfox]

4 minutes ago, Mayofox said:

Not feeling too happy after the Everton result? Too soon for a joke? Here goes...

 

Chap goes to the doctor's.

-Every morning, regular as clockwork, I have a poo at 8 o'clock.

-Well that's quite normal. Why are you concerned?

-Because I don't wake up til 9.

 

Izzy Muzzett is very good at this ...   he’ll soon show you that this joke has been posted already about 5 times ...    

 

[TiffToff88]

10 minutes ago, Countryfox said:

 

Izzy Muzzett is very good at this ...   he’ll soon show you that this joke has been posted already about 5 times ...    

 

And at least 3 of those times Izzy would have posted it himself!

[Mayofox]

28 minutes ago, Countryfox said:

 

Izzy Muzzett is very good at this ...   he’ll soon show you that this joke has been posted already about 5 times ...    

 

Fair enough...must try harder. TBH it probably wasn't that funny on first hearing. 

[woollett the bullet]

The mrs sent me down the shops for some  tablets to give me an erection. . . . . I came back and handed her  some diet pills ,

(I'm still looking for somewhere to live )

[Wortho]

I met a transvestite from Greater Manchester yesterday.

 

He had a Wigan address.

[woollett the bullet]

On 23/09/2018 at 22:14, Izzy Muzzett said:

I took the wife to the Doctors today because she desperately needs to lose some weight.

 

The Doctor said to her "Don't eat anything fatty"

 

She said "What, you mean like sausages and bacon and stuff?"

 

He said "No. Don't eat anything, fatty"

 

Still laughing at this after 2 days !

Don't know where you find them mate but keep em coming

[Tuna]

My girlfriend thinks I'm too nosy.

At least, that's what she wrote in her diary and texted to all her mates.

[Yes N'Didi]

I've just bought my wife some state of the art garden shears. They're the latest in cutting hedge technology.

[Trav Le Bleu]

2 minutes ago, Yes N'Didi said:

I've just bought my wife some state of the art garden shears. They're the latest in cutting hedge technology.

Cut the hedge yourself, you lazy sod!

[BirminghamFox]

I played a game of Bonopoly yesterday. 

 

It's the same as Monopoly, but the streets have no names..... and I still haven't found the hotel I was looking for...

It's the same as Monopoly, but the streets have no names.....

[Alf Bentley]

6 minutes ago, BirminghamFox said:

I played a game of Bonopoly yesterday. 

 

It's the same as Monopoly, but the streets have no names..... and I still haven't found the hotel I was looking for...

 

It's the same as Monopoly, but the streets have no names.....

 

 

 

I heard that every single card in Chance and the Community Chest reads: "You appear on TV to pay tribute to a recently deceased musician. Collect 200 ego points and pass Go!"