The joke thread

[davieG]

When the plethora of Puel out threads are funnier than the joke thread.

[Buce]

30 minutes ago, davieG said:

When the plethora of Puel out threads are funnier than the joke thread.

 

Mate, haemorrhoids are funnier than the joke thread...

[woznotwos]

[woznotwos]

[Trav Le Bleu]

I was walking past a mental hospital the other day when I heard the residents in the courtyard saying, "13, 13, 13, 13, 13, 13, 13, 13,13 13...".

 

There was a high fence all around the hospital, which meant I couldn't see why they were doing this, but then I saw a hole in the fence, so I bent down to peer through it, when someone poked me in the eye with a stick!

 

Then they all started saying, "14, 14, 14, 14, 14, 14, 14, 14..."

[Izzy]

2 minutes ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

I was walking past a mental hospital the other day when I heard the residents in the courtyard saying, "13, 13, 13, 13, 13, 13, 13, 13,13 13...".

 

There was a high fence all around the hospital, which meant I couldn't see why they were doing this, but then I saw a hole in the fence, so I bent down to peer through it, when someone poked me in the eye with a stick!

 

Then they all started saying, "14, 14, 14, 14, 14, 14, 14, 14..."

[woznotwos]

[Wolfox]

Type ‘gobshites’ into google maps

 

not a joke, but, when I did, it make me laugh ? 

Edited 9 January 2019 by Wolfox

[Izzy]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

 

The guy says aloud, 'Jeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

 

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot'

 

'Holy crap' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!

 

'I got every word' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

 

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?'

 

'Well' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my willy around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers'

 

'Wow' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English can't you?'

 

'Actually' says the parrot, 'I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion'

 

The guy looks at the £200 price tag. 'Sorry' he says, 'but I just can't afford that'

 

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20, just make the shopkeeper an offer'

 

The guy offers £20, and walks out with the parrot.

 

Weeks go by.

 

The parrot is sensational.

 

He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises, and he's insightful.

 

The guy is delighted.

 

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

 

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the Postman'

 

'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.

 

'Well, when the Postman delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in her see-through black nightie'

 

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

 

'THEN what happened?

 

'Well, then the Postman came into the house, lifted up her nightie, and began kissing her neck' reported the parrot.

 

'NO!' exclaims the guy, 'And she let him?'

 

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over'.

 

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

 

The parrot said 'Dunno. I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch' 

[lifted*fox]

Teheheeheh

[Wolfox]

Who's the coolest guy in the hospital? The ultrasound guy.

 

Who takes over when he's on holiday? The hip replacement guy.

[Wortho]

A bloke goes to the dentist and says:

"I keep feeling like a moth."

The dentist replies:

"That sounds like a mental health problem. I'm a dentist."

The bloke says:

"I know you're a dentist."

The dentists says:

"Well why did you come in here then?"

The bloke replies:

"The light was on."

[Wortho]

My Wife said "come into the bedroom and I'll put on that black lace number"



I said "No thanks, I can't stand agadoo...."

[Wortho]

Harry Kane just got an MBE. Which is ironic, because that's how he pronounces their current home ground.

[Alf Bentley]

 

When I was walking down by the harbour today, I saw this bloke down on his knees on the jetty. When I looked closely, I could see that he was drooling heavily. 

When I walked back two hours later, he was still there and still drooling.

 

Ah, well. Whatever floats your boat.

[Wortho]

Historians in Ireland have discovered what they believe to be the headstone of the oldest ever living man.
He was 193 and his name was Miles from Dublin.

[Wortho]

My missus had a right go at me earlier for treating her like a child.
So I gave her a gold sticker for standing up for herself.

[Izzy]

An old Cowboy went to Starbucks and ordered himself a cup of coffee.

 

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the Cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old Cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real Cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well I always thought I was, but I've just found out I'm a lesbian'

[Izzy]

7 hours ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

When I was walking down by the harbour today, I saw this bloke down on his knees on the jetty. When I looked closely, I could see that he was drooling heavily. 

When I walked back two hours later, he was still there and still drooling.

 

Ah, well. Whatever floats your boat.

 

I told my mate that I was a big fan of Beyoncé.

 

He said, “Whatever floats your boat..."

 

I said, “No, that’s buoyancy”

[Tielemans63]

A lad gets in from school and speaks to his Dad. "Dad, my Maths teacher wants you to go into school tomorrow to speak to him."

 

"Why what's happened?" The father asks. "Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7x9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9x7?' So I asked 'what's the ****ing difference?'

 

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

 

The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?" "Not yet." "Well when you do, come and see the PE teacher too."

 

"Why?" asks the father. "Well we had a PE lesson today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on.... my ****ing cock??'"

 

"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll go."

 

The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet."

 

"Don't bother Dad, I got expelled."

 

Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?"

 

"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the maths teacher, the PE teacher, and the art teacher."

 

"What the **** was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father.

 

"That's what I said!"

[Countryfox]

 

 

[woznotwos]

What's the difference between "Iron Man" and "Iron Woman"? One is a super hero whilst the other is a simple instruction.

[Izzy]

I cooked the wife a steak tonight. 

 

She asked how it was cooked. I told her medium rare.

 

She replied “I like mine well done”

 

I said “Thanks, you're welcome”

[Jimothy]

Just spent £300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver.

 

Can’t believe I’ve spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…

[Bob Weasel Fox]

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

God said,

"I think I'm going to call it a day."