The joke thread

[Countryfox]

 

What time did the Chinaman go to the dentist ...        

 

2.25 ...   

 

He got there 5 minutes early ...         

 

Ooops.

[Wakeyfox]

1 hour ago, justfoxes said:

Anyway totally different joke (cough splutter!!) ones a cockney the others Irish !!

???

Back off

 

[woznotwos]

[Parafox]

On ‎08‎/‎12‎/‎2018 at 17:35, Facecloth said:

This thread has more repeats than the BBC Christmas schedule.

Disregarding Christmas, I think you'll find ITV hold the repeats record based on the yearly schedules... Harry Potter, James Bond, The Mummy, Star Wars, Jurassic Park, etc. year after year after year, sometimes more than once in 6 months. 

[Izzy]

3 hours ago, Parafox said:

Disregarding Christmas, I think you'll find ITV hold the repeats record based on the yearly schedules... Harry Potter, James Bond, The Mummy, Star Wars, Jurassic Park, etc. year after year after year, sometimes more than once in 6 months. 

Just for you...

 

My girlfriend won't marry me until I lose my obsession for ambulances.

 

So I'm going to book a romantic meal, buy some flowers, and in the middle of the restaurant I'm going to get down on one Knee naw nee naw nee naw....

[Izzy]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African walk into a fine restaurant.

 

"I'm sorry" says the maître d', after scrutinising the group..

 

 

 

 

...."But you can't come in here without a Thai"

 

 

[Buce]

[ozleicester]

A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years

The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening a storm comes along and lightning hits the straight tree and it shatters into hundreds of pieces.

The gay tree bust out laughing and says "look who's a faggot now"

[RonnieTodger]

To the bastard that stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now! 

[woznotwos]

[simFox]

[Tinman]

[ozleicester]

My girlfriend said she didn't think it was possible to seriously injure yourself by masturbating
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But I managed to pull it off.

[Izzy]

Why did the half blind man fall down the well?

 

He couldn't see that well

 

 

[Buce]

48 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

Why did the half blind man fall down the well?

 

He couldn't see that well

 

 

 

It was broken anyway. 

 

Well out of order. 

[MPH]

i bought. my wife an artificial leg for christmas. it’s not a real present.... more of a stocking filler..

[TiffToff88]

19 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

It was broken anyway. 

 

Well out of order. 

Bnag

 

That's bang out of order!

[justfoxes]

How many forest fans does it take to screw in a light bulb ?

Forest fan ”What’s a light bulb !”

[Izzy]

There were two sisters, one called Petal and one called Fridge.

 

One day, Petal asks her parents, "Why did you call me Petal?" and they replied "Because when you were a baby, a petal fell on you"

 

And then Fridge says "bllaaarrarararraraaarg"

[koop.]

Knock knock.....

 

[koop.]

I went outside for a cigarette, a man in a wheelchair said "Why do you smoke when you dont have to?", I said "Why the **** are you wearing shoes?"

[Izzy]

My mates in a bit of trouble.

 

His wife went out to get some milk and never returned - that was four days ago.

 

I phoned him last night to ask how he was getting on.

 

"Yeah, not bad" he replied. "I'm still using the powdered stuff" 

[The Bear]

This year my New Year's Resolution is to be more chivalrous to feminists. 

[boots60]

I aaked Mrs Boots what she wanted for Christmas

 

"Something with diamonds" she replied

 

Got her a pack of cards

 

[boots60]

Then I asked her if she wanted anything else

 

"Something silk" was her answer

 

Got her a tin of emulsion