The joke thread

[Shambles]

Premier League club's form:

 

Liverpool: WWWWW
Man City: WWWLW
Tottenham: WLWWW
Chelsea: LWLWW
Arsenal: WWDWL
Man Utd: LMFAO

[Beliall]

1 hour ago, Shambles said:

Premier League club's form:

 

Liverpool: WWWWW
Man City: WWWLW
Tottenham: WLWWW
Chelsea: LWLWW
Arsenal: WWDWL
Man Utd: LMFAO

Leicester: Is it 2015-16 yet?

[urban.spaceman]

Struggling to challenge for trophies in football, Tottenham turn to dancing in the hope of winning Britain’s Got Talent. 

 

 

[Jimothy]

Diane Abbot has been appointed as the new manager of Manchester United. Her past record of played 26, won 39 was the clincher.

[RODNEY FERNIO]

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says if he does something stupid he might be let off work for the day,

So Paddy then hangs upside down from the rafters and screams ... I'm a light bulb , I'm a light bulb.

The foreman comes over and says I think you've had enough for the day Paddy so you better go home.

Paddy starts packing up his bags but Murphy starts to as well.

What the hell are you doing Murphy ? Says the foreman.

Well I can't work in the dark .. says Murphy. 

[Buce]

 

A woman's breast is like a train set.

 

It's there for the kid but it's dad who ends up playing with it.

[justfoxes]

Paddy gets home from the pub very drunk and his Mrs says “ok smart arse  And how do you explain this lipstick on your shirt ?”

To which paddy replied “ Fuchin Easy I used my shirt to wipe my cock on !!”

Edited 20 December 2018 by justfoxes

[justfoxes]

On 17/12/2018 at 16:23, urban.spaceman said:

Struggling to challenge for trophies in football, Tottenham turn to dancing in the hope of winning Britain’s Got Talent. 

 

 

Is that to go with Arry’s I’m a celebrity get me outta here crown ??

[ozleicester]

If white men 'discovered' Australia, then equally the first Aboriginal person to visit England discovered London

[Max Wall]

8 hours ago, ozleicester said:

If white men 'discovered' Australia, then equally the first Aboriginal person to visit England discovered London

Bit of a 'serious' joke Oz.

[Izzy]

What do you call a Dublin man who breaks up fights?

 

Liam Malone

[Izzy]

What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones? 

 

Trombones. 

[Milo]

3 hours ago, Izzy said:

What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones? 

 

Trombones. 

Legend...

 

[ozleicester]

4 hours ago, Max Wall said:

Bit of a 'serious' joke Oz.

 to be honest when i first read it.... i laughed, which is more than i can say for most in this thread

[justfoxes]

4 friends in were in a bar when one went off to the go to the toilet one mentioned how proud of his son how he’d gone to business school worked his way to the top became a millionaire and gave his friend a top of the range Mercedes for his birthday !

 

Another friend had said how his son had started his own building company from nothing and became a multimillionaire and so successful he gave his friend on his birthday a 30,000 square foot mansion!

 

The third friend said how his son went to flight school became a successful pilot made millions an bought the airline and gave his friend a new jet on his birthday  ! 

 

On coming back from the toilet  the fourth friend noticed they’d been talking and one mentioned they had been saying how  proud they were of their sons, he said he was proud of his son how he had gone to university but turned out to be gay and worked in then Owned his own gay club. His friends looked bemused he then went on to say how proud he was of his son and how he made his fortune and said that he had become lucky as for his last birthday he was given a top of the range Mercedes a 30,000 square foot mansion and his own private jet by 3 of his boyfriends !!

Edited 21 December 2018 by justfoxes

[Trav Le Bleu]

What's made of Welsh and sounds like trombones?

 

Tom Jones.

[Izzy]

A Yorkshireman walks into the vet's and says, "I've come about me cat"

 

The vet says, "Is it a tom?"

 

The man says "No, I've brought it wi' me"

[SouthStandUpperTier]

21 minutes ago, Izzy said:

A Yorkshireman walks into the vet's and says, "I've come about me cat"

 

The vet says, "Is it a tom?"

 

The man says "No, I've brought it wi' me"

Ee baa gum! Ruddy Nora!

[Izzy]

3 minutes ago, SouthStandUpperTier said:

Ee baa gum! 

What Yorkshire folk chew at Raves to get high instead of popping pills 

[Izzy]

Thought I'd try and spice up the love life with a bit of that 'auto asphyixiation'.

I wouldn't recommend it though...
 

It's been five days and the wife's still lying on the couch giving me the silent treatment 

[Buce]

7 minutes ago, Izzy said:

Thought I'd try and spice up the love life with a bit of that 'auto asphyixiation'.

I wouldn't recommend it though...
 

It's been five days and the wife's still lying on the couch giving me the silent treatment 

 

Now you know how much I hate being a pedant, Izzy, BUT...

 

auto-asphyxiation is something you do to yourself, not others. 

 

Very funny, otherwise.

[Izzy]

13 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

Now you know how much I hate being a pedant, Izzy, BUT...

 

auto-asphyxiation is something you do to yourself, not others. 

 

Very funny, otherwise.

Schoolboy error on my part.

 

I bow to your superior knowledge on the subject bro 

[Alf Bentley]

28 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

Now you know how much I hate being a pedant, Izzy, BUT...

 

auto-asphyxiation is something you do to yourself, not others. 

 

Very funny, otherwise.

 

As opposed to auto-assfixication, which is here where someone has anal communion with an exhaust pipe.

 

Wouldn't do or recommend it myself, of course.

[kingcarr21]

12 hours ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

As opposed to auto-assfixication, which is here where someone has anal communion with an exhaust pipe.

 

Wouldn't do or recommend it myself, of course.

I would 

[Beliall]

4 minutes ago, kingcarr21 said:

I would 

just make sure you employ the buddy system