The joke thread

[Aus Fox]

I was walking home from work today, and as I walked past the bookies I noticed a sign in the window “Open Saturday 11-4”

Well I’ve had a Tenner on that, they’re open every Saturday!

[davieG]

50 minutes ago, Aus Fox said:

I was walking home from work today, and as I walked past the bookies I noticed a sign in the window “Open Saturday 11-4”

Well I’ve had a Tenner on that, they’re open every Saturday!

Be careful it might have been the name of a horse

[Bob Weasel Fox]

My girlfriend dumped me because of my obsession with plants. I asked her “where has this stemmed from petal?”

[The Bear]

12 minutes ago, Bob Weasel Fox said:

My girlfriend dumped me because of my obsession with plants. I asked her “where has this stemmed from petal?”

Unlucky bud. I'm sure you could turn over a new leaf if you just get to the root of the issue. 

 

If not you can just stalk her. 

[jonthefox]

42 minutes ago, Bob Weasel Fox said:

My girlfriend dumped me because of my obsession with plants. I asked her “where has this stemmed from petal?”

I used to call my girlfriend flower, as she'd obviously been through the mill. 

[davieG]

2 hours ago, Bob Weasel Fox said:

My girlfriend dumped me because of my obsession with plants. I asked her “where has this stemmed from petal?”

Wrong thread

 

 

[Bob Weasel Fox]

A man walks into a zoo and the only animal inside is a dog. It’s a shitzu

[Haywood_6]

What kind of flour do you buy an Orphan?

 

Self raising 

[Tinman]

BE AWARE

Check your biscuits if you buy from Asda

This morning I bought a packet of animal shaped biscuits, I had to take them back the seal was broken!

[Bob Weasel Fox]

Someone stole all my coffee cups. I've now got to go to the Police station to look at mug shots.

[The Bear]

What do you call it when you die and come back as a hillbilly?

 

Reintarnation.

Edited 16 November 2021 by The Bear

[The Bear]

How does a hippie polygamist count all of his wives?

 

One Mrs. Hippie, two Mrs. Hippie, three Mrs. Hippie... 

[The Bear]

Did you know Bruce Lee has a faster older brother? Sudden Lee.

[Parafox]

1 hour ago, The Bear said:

Did you know Bruce Lee has a faster older brother? Sudden Lee.

I thought he was called Ra Pid Lee.

 

And another called Hu Rid Lee

Edited 16 November 2021 by Parafox

[ajthefox]

He's got another brother who is intellectually challenged as well, Slow Lee.

 

He always says his name twice and then says Catchee Monkey after it for some reason too.

[Bob Weasel Fox]

I told a total stranger that her eyebrows were drawn on too high. 
She looked surprised.

[Parafox]

3 hours ago, Bob Weasel Fox said:

I told a total stranger that her eyebrows were drawn on too high. 
She looked surprised.

I'm becoming more convinced that you're actually Tim Vine in disguise.

[Trav Le Bleu]

Have you ever noticed how many F1 drivers are named after places in Scotland?

 

Stirling Moss

Lewis Hamilton

Eddie Irvine

Ayr Town Centre

[Trav Le Bleu]

My friend recently failed his aboriginal music exam.

 

I said, "did ya redo it?"

[HighPeakFox]

Probably the wrong place for this, but maybe the greatest joke/comment ever...

 

 

 

Edited 24 November 2021 by HighPeakFox

[Sloth]

While I was in the hospital recently I asked the nurse if I could do my own stitches.

 

She said suture self.

[Parafox]

17 hours ago, Sloth said:

While I was in the hospital recently I asked the nurse if I could do my own stitches.

 

She said suture self.

Actually, for the general standard on here, that's quite good. Doesn't say much for the general standard, though.

[Buce]

 

It's careers day in primary school where each student talks about what their dad does. Little Johnny is last, and finally the teacher calls on him to talk about his dad. Johnny comes to the front of the class. 'My daddy is a dancer at a gay bar. He takes off his clothes for other men, and if they pay him enough money, he goes into the alley and performs sexual acts on them.' The teacher is shocked, and she calls for an early recess for the rest of the class. She sits down with Johnny and asks him if this is really true about his dad. Johnny says; 'No, but I was too embarrassed to say he played for Tottenham.'

 

[davieG]

36 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

It's careers day in primary school where each student talks about what their dad does. Little Johnny is last, and finally the teacher calls on him to talk about his dad. Johnny comes to the front of the class. 'My daddy is a dancer at a gay bar. He takes off his clothes for other men, and if they pay him enough money, he goes into the alley and performs sexual acts on them.' The teacher is shocked, and she calls for an early recess for the rest of the class. She sits down with Johnny and asks him if this is really true about his dad. Johnny says; 'No, but I was too embarrassed to say he played for Tottenham.'

 

I guess it's a new joke if you change the team

[Buce]

 

Mrs Buce has been getting a bit down about missing out on holidays, so I bought a world map and then gave her a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands – that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”

 

Turns out we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.