The joke thread

[fox_favourite]

I burnt 1000 Calories this last night! 
 

 

…left my pizza in the oven 

[foxfanazer]

I’m reading a horror story in Braille. 

 

Something bad is about to happen… I can feel it.

[Wolfox]

My three favourite things in the world are eating my cat and not using commas.

[MPH]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
 
“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday.”
 
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.
 
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
 
The frog says, “Sure . I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
 
Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
 
She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.”
 
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”
 
The bank manager looks back at her and says… “It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

[Guest David Oldfields Gate]

24 minutes ago, MPH said:

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
 
“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday.”
 
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.
 
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
 
The frog says, “Sure . I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
 
Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
 
She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.”
 
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”
 
The bank manager looks back at her and says… “It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

Norm Macdonald RIP x

[Wolfox]

On 06/02/2022 at 14:53, MPH said:

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
 
“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday.”
 
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.
 
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
 
The frog says, “Sure . I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
 
Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
 
She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.”
 
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”
 
The bank manager looks back at her and says… “It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

You know it’s coming from the first paragraph…. Still funny 😄 

[Carl the Llama]

A Scotsman moves to Canada and one day he visits the local bar where he notices the framed head of a large animal on the wall, he asks the Bartender what it is.

"A moose" says the Bartender.

"Fvck me, how big are the cats here?!"

[foxfanazer]

A rich man and a poor man are discussing their pending wedding anniversaries. The poor man says to the rich man "So what you bought your wife this year, then?"

Rich man says "I bought her a Mercedes and a expensive pearl necklace"

Poor man says "Two gifts? Why two gifts?"

Rich man says "I figure if she don't like the necklace, she can hop in the car and take it back!"

"So what you getting your wife?" asks the rich man.

"Oh, I got her some slippers and a vibrator..." says the poor man

"... I figure if she don't like the slippers, she can go **** herself"

 

 

Bit of blue for the dads 

[isaidno]

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her ass. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring all your implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.We'll go hot and heavy all night Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."

[Jimothy]

Apparently the bloke who invented unisex tennis has just died.

 

RIP Mick Stubbles

 

[Bob Weasel Fox]

Justice has been served!
There's been some scumbag called Cal going round breaking in to people's houses near me for months, but the police can't catch him. 😡The weirdest thing about it all, is he was breaking into people's houses and ruining their washing machines by putting bricks into them & turning them on while helping himself to whatever he wanted!!!!! Really weird if you ask me... 😳 Anyway, just read that he was found dead in an alley because of a drug overdose.. It's never nice hearing of someones death, but on the bright side, washing machines live longer with Cal gone....

[Parafox]

On 17/02/2022 at 08:41, Facecloth said:

Apparently the bloke who invented unisex tennis has just died.

 

RIP Mick Stubbles

 

Fvck off 

[Parafox]

1 hour ago, Bob Weasel Fox said:

Justice has been served!
There's been some scumbag called Cal going round breaking in to people's houses near me for months, but the police can't catch him. 😡The weirdest thing about it all, is he was breaking into people's houses and ruining their washing machines by putting bricks into them & turning them on while helping himself to whatever he wanted!!!!! Really weird if you ask me... 😳 Anyway, just read that he was found dead in an alley because of a drug overdose.. It's never nice hearing of someones death, but on the bright side, washing machines live longer with Cal gone....

 

Just now, Parafox said:

Fvck off 

You can fvck off too. 

[foxfanazer]

Justin Timberlake fans are upset because his upcoming concerts in Ukraine have been cancelled. Crimea River

[Jon the Hat]

32 minutes ago, foxfanazer said:

Justin Timberlake fans are upset because his upcoming concerts in Ukraine have been cancelled. Crimea River

2014 wants its joke back.

[Tinman]

Elton John has bought a treadmill for his pet rabbit... It's a little fit bunny

[Carl the Llama]

6 hours ago, Tinman said:

Elton John has bought a treadmill for his pet rabbit... It's a little fit bunny

I do not like the implications of the omitted next line.

[Ian Nacho]

I’ve decided to start calling my missus Everton because she kicks off every 10 minutes. 

[yorkie1999]

My lad just told me a funny one.

 

donkey and a racehorse get talking in a pub, racehorse says what do you do for a living, donkey says I take kids up and down the beach, what do you do, racehorse says I race all the big ones and have won em all, the derby, the national, Cheltenham you name it I’ve won it. Donkey says, we’ll have to have another drink sometime, come round to my place.

 So the donkeys at home waiting for the racehorse to come round for a drink and he thinks, what can I I do to impress him, so he gets a zebra head and hangs it on the wall over the fireplace.

 Racehorse comes round and they go into the living room, have a drink and start chatting. 
  Nice house donkey, but what’s with the zebra head.

 Oh, that was me when I used to play for Juventus.

[leicsmac]

A dominatrix once held an orgasm denial party.

 

No one came.

[Webbo]

I've just got some new spectacles.

 

I haven't actually paid for them, but I told the optician I'd see him right 

[Steve_Guppy_Left_Foot]

What's Chris Rock got on his face? 

 

Fresh prints. 

[foxfanazer]

When is G.I Jane 2 out? 

 

 

Nooo? Oh you had to be there

[Aus Fox]

My girlfriends father is super religious, he won’t even let us sleep together.

 

Which is a real shame, because he’s really attractive for his age.

[Wolfox]

Called in at Boots for my prescription and a dozy assistant dropped a box of Omega3 capsules on my foot. The first aider had a look but said it was only a super fish oil wound!