The joke thread

[MPH]

Guess who I just bumped into in specsavers?

 

 

 

Everyone!

[Izzy]

My nickname at school was scarface

 

I was brilliant at knitting

[jonthefox]

2 minutes ago, Izzy said:

My nickname at school was scarface

 

I was brilliant at knitting

[UpTheLeagueFox]

I was leaving the City Ground on Wednesday night and noticed a Notts Forest season ticket nailed to a tree.

So I took it.

 

You can never have too many nails.

[ThurmastonFox]

I’ve got a favourite joke I always tell, it’s about Peter Pan-it’s never going to get old

[Jon the Hat]

On 08/09/2021 at 02:04, Parafox said:

I used to drive HGV's on my rest days and I too have experienced the same. On rare occasions, females too. Once, on a very hot day there was a young lady in a car on my offside. We were in a slow queue and she was removing her clothing until she was naked from the waist down. She didn't fumble about but clearly had no idea what a truck driver has a view of. I struggled to keep my truck alongside as the queue's were moving at different speeds.

Or she knew EXACTLY what truck drivers can see, and that was half the fun.

[MPH]

Where to bad rainbows go?

 

 

Prism.

[Tinman]

I had to quit my job at the Orange juice factory. I just couldn't concentrate.

[Alf Bentley]

2 hours ago, Tinman said:

I had to quit my job at the Orange juice factory. I just couldn't concentrate.

 

I heard that you worked with too much zest and they thought you were taking the pith.

[Buce]

 

I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy. It wasn't long after that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess. I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fvck me, what a night.

Edited 2 October 2021 by Buce

[Parafox]

On 01/10/2021 at 10:19, Tinman said:

I had to quit my job at the Orange juice factory. I just couldn't concentrate.

 

On 01/10/2021 at 12:40, Alf Bentley said:

 

I heard that you worked with too much zest and they thought you were taking the pith.

Did he get any juicy bits, though?

[Izzy]

I asked my 10-year old son if he knew about the Birds and the Bees.

"I don't want to know" he said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me." 

I was a bit confused, so I asked him what was wrong.

My lad sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech".

 

"At seven, you gave me the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech". 
 

"Then when I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech". 
 

"If you're now going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for".

 

[Strokes]

14 minutes ago, Izzy said:

I asked my 10-year old son if he knew about the Birds and the Bees.

"I don't want to know" he said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me." 

I was a bit confused, so I asked him what was wrong.

My lad sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech".

 

"At seven, you gave me the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech". 
 

"Then when I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech". 
 

"If you're now going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for".

 

What do you mean there’s no Santa?

[Buce]

9 hours ago, Strokes said:

What do you mean there’s no Santa?

 

There is but he can't get a visa since Brexit.

[NAKC20]

1 hour ago, Buce said:

 

There is but he can't get a visa since Brexit.

No he will be fine as he will be driving the Coca Cola lorry

[stretch1965]

I had to choose between going to see the new James Bond film, or visiting my friend in Wales.
I chose the new James Bond film, after all I could always see Dai another day.

[Jimothy]

6 minutes ago, stretch1965 said:

I had to choose between going to see the new James Bond film, or visiting my friend in Wales.
I chose the new James Bond film, after all I could always see Dai another day.

So you had No Time For Dai?

[Nalis]

1 hour ago, stretch1965 said:

I had to choose between going to see the new James Bond film, or visiting my friend in Wales.
I chose the new James Bond film, after all I could always see Dai another day.

When exploring my sexuality, I had an affair with a mysterious but clingy Welsh guy years ago. He was The Spy Huw Loved Me.

[MPH]

why couldn’t the blind man see his friends?

 

 

 

Because he was married.

[Bob Weasel Fox]

What do you call a dog who does magic?

A labracadabrador.

[Buce]

 

My mother used to say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

 

Lovely woman. Useless surgeon.

[Beliall]

On 03/10/2021 at 20:40, Izzy said:

I asked my 10-year old son if he knew about the Birds and the Bees.

"I don't want to know" he said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me." 

I was a bit confused, so I asked him what was wrong.

My lad sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech".

 

"At seven, you gave me the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech". 
 

"Then when I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech". 
 

"If you're now going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for".

 

what level of evil bastard tells and 8 year old there's no santa

[Bellend Sebastian]

 

[Big Dave]

A Tibetan monk was making his morning toast when he saw, in the margarine, the face of Jesus. He gasped and said,
"I can't believe it's not Buddha". 

[Wolfox]

A magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, Its not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"
Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...
"OK, I give up. Where's the ****in' ship?"