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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Parafox

Parafox

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6 hours ago, Izzy said:

My new dog Jack was barking in the middle of the night so I figured he might need the toilet.

 

I let him out into the back garden but it was so dark out there I couldn't see Jack shit.

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MPH

MPH

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On 12/08/2022 at 11:53, kristianity77 said:

Someone said earlier about a person that had pretty bad teeth " I bet they could bite into a curly wurly and they wouldn't touch any chocolate"

 

Laughed at that for way longer than I should have!

 
Sounds like he could eat an apple through a tennis racket!

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RoboFox

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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says “You’re in here a lot. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?” The horse says “I don’t think I am”, then ceases to exist.

 

The joke refers to Descartes’ philosophy 'I think, therefore I am,' but to explain that part at the beginning of the joke would be to put Descartes before the horse.

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Parafox

Parafox

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6 hours ago, RoboFox said:

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says “You’re in here a lot. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?” The horse says “I don’t think I am”, then ceases to exist.

 

The joke refers to Descartes’ philosophy 'I think, therefore I am,' but to explain that part at the beginning of the joke would be to put Descartes before the horse.

Way too clever for so many on FT

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Parafox

Parafox

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21 hours ago, kristianity77 said:

Its always better to own a small dog as you only have to bag up small poo's on a walk. I saw a woman the other day walking an Alsatian and it looked like she had been to the butchers.

Huh Meme - IdleMeme

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davieG

davieG

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Edinburgh Fringe funniest joke: Pasta gag wins top prize

 

Ten jokes made the 2022 shortlist:

1. "I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta" - Masai Graham

2. "Did you know, if you get pregnant in the Amazon, it's next-day delivery" - Mark Simmons

3. "My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock" - Olaf Falafel

4. "By my age, my parents had a house and a family, and to be fair to me, so do I - but it is the same house and it is the same family" - Hannah Fairweather

5. "I hate funerals - I'm not a mourning person" - Will Mars

6. "I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that's four hours of my life that I'm definitely getting back" - Olaf Falafel

7. "I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx" - Richard Pulsford

8. "I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery" - Tim Vine

9. "Don't knock threesomes. Having a threesome is like hiring an intern to do all the jobs you hate" - Sophie Duker

10. "I can't even be bothered to be apathetic these days" - Will Duggan

 

 

The standard is not very high if that is the best joke.

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davieG

davieG

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7 minutes ago, Isle of Wight Fox said:

Webbo should've won!

A much better phrasing of the joke as well. Where do shops selling spaghetti have guards? 

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Alf Bentley

Alf Bentley

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5 hours ago, davieG said:

Edinburgh Fringe funniest joke: Pasta gag wins top prize

 

Ten jokes made the 2022 shortlist:

1. "I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta" - Masai Graham

2. "Did you know, if you get pregnant in the Amazon, it's next-day delivery" - Mark Simmons

3. "My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock" - Olaf Falafel

4. "By my age, my parents had a house and a family, and to be fair to me, so do I - but it is the same house and it is the same family" - Hannah Fairweather

5. "I hate funerals - I'm not a mourning person" - Will Mars

6. "I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that's four hours of my life that I'm definitely getting back" - Olaf Falafel

7. "I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx" - Richard Pulsford

8. "I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery" - Tim Vine

9. "Don't knock threesomes. Having a threesome is like hiring an intern to do all the jobs you hate" - Sophie Duker

10. "I can't even be bothered to be apathetic these days" - Will Duggan

 

 

The standard is not very high if that is the best joke.

 

The two Olaf Falafel jokes raised a grin for me, but most of the rest would get you booed out of this thread.

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Izzy

Izzy

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I just renewed my car insurance over the phone and as I was about to hang up, the operator (obviously touting for more business) says "Do you have any pets?"

 

"Yes" I said, "I've got two dogs. Why?"

 

"Would you like to insure them too?" she asks.

 

"Er, stupid question" I replied. "Neither of them can fvckin drive!" :rolleyes:

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Parafox

Parafox

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8 hours ago, Izzy said:

I just renewed my car insurance over the phone and as I was about to hang up, the operator (obviously touting for more business) says "Do you have any pets?"

 

"Yes" I said, "I've got two dogs. Why?"

 

"Would you like to insure them too?" she asks.

 

"Er, stupid question" I replied. "Neither of them can fvckin drive!" :rolleyes:

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Izzy

Izzy

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On 07/02/2012 at 21:41, Bob Weasel Fox said:

They are all at it now - Johnathan Ross has been accused of taking a kitchen utensil from Asda.

He told Police it was a whisk worth taking

 

On 11/10/2016 at 23:08, MPH said:

Just been on the news that Jonathan Ross got arrested for stealing kitchen utensils from Tescos! He just said it was a whisk he wanted to take...

 

On 28/08/2017 at 22:16, Tielemans63 said:

My wife says she'll kill me if I steal another of her kitchen utensils....

 

 

....but it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

 

On 03/06/2018 at 19:14, Buce said:

 

Jonathan Ross has been arrested for shoplifting a kitchen utensil.

 

He said it was a whisk he was prepared to take.

 

10 minutes ago, Tinman said:

My mother told me never to steal kitchen utensils. But, it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

Now making only it's fifth appearance in various guises :D

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Izzy

Izzy

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1 minute ago, Free Falling Foxes said:

Please tell me you used the search feature and not that you trawled through 10 years worth of jokes to find those.

Always use the search feature before posting a joke :thumbup:

 

Otherwise you always get some smart ass coming on telling you it's been posted before :whistle:

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WarehamFox

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9 hours ago, Izzy said:

I just renewed my car insurance over the phone and as I was about to hang up, the operator (obviously touting for more business) says "Do you have any pets?"

 

"Yes" I said, "I've got two dogs. Why?"

 

"Would you like to insure them too?" she asks.

 

"Er, stupid question" I replied. "Neither of them can fvckin drive!" :rolleyes:

You could see that gag coming before you did the punch line. 3 out of 10 from me, Simon Cowell. 👍

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Izzy

Izzy

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I started my new job yesterday.

 

My boss handed me a fiver and said "First things first, I need you to go down to the shops and buy me a glass hammer, a large tin of tartan paint, and a bubble for a spirit level"

 

I said "Do you really think I'm that stupid?"

 

"What do you mean?" he replied.

 

I said "That lots going to cost WAY more than a fiver"

 

 

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davieG

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40 minutes ago, Izzy said:

I started my new job yesterday.

 

My boss handed me a fiver and said "First things first, I need you to go down to the shops and buy me a glass hammer, a large tin of tartan paint, and a bubble for a spirit level"

 

I said "Do you really think I'm that stupid?"

 

"What do you mean?" he replied.

 

I said "That lots going to cost WAY more than a fiver"

 

 

On my first day as an apprentice I was sent to the stores for a 'long weight'. Sussed it out  before I got there and went and chatted to some fellow apprentices instead. lol

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Izzy

Izzy

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24 minutes ago, davieG said:

On my first day as an apprentice I was sent to the stores for a 'long weight'. Sussed it out  before I got there and went and chatted to some fellow apprentices instead. lol

On my first day as a YTS in retail, my manager pointed to one of the long fluorescent ceiling lights that was out and told me to go and get a 'six foot fallopian tube'

 

The chap in B&Q about pissed himself lol

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