The joke thread

[Izzy]

I went to the RNLI Christmas party last night.

 

They really know how to push the boat out.

[jonthefox]

1 hour ago, Izzy said:

I went to the RNLI Christmas party last night.

 

They really know how to push the boat out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Merry christmas Izzy 

[StanSP]

What does a deaf gynaecologist do? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He reads lips. 

[Parafox]

On 21/12/2022 at 14:31, StanSP said:

What does a deaf gynaecologist do? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He reads lips. 

I know a gynaecologist who can paint your hallway with his arm through your letterbox. 

[Solihullfox]

My dad is a retired gynaecologist but every so often does a “free” day at the clinic just to keep his hand in.

[Clever Fox]

A True Story but funny.

 

A little old lady from North Carolina had worked in and around her family’s dairy farm since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation…

 

So when canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores, she read an advertisement offering $5000 for the best slogan/rhyme beginning with “Carnation milk is best of all ....”

She said to herself “ I know all about milking cows and dairy farms… I can do this!”

She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house… A man got out and said, “Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we WILL NOT Be able to use it...

 

Here was her entry

😂😂😂

Carnation Milk

Is best of all, No tits to pull ,

No hay to haul,

No buckets to wash,

No shit to pitch ,

Just poke a hole

In the Son of a *****

 

 

 

 

 

[Beliall]

[ozleicester]

4 hours ago, Beliall said:

you must really get on her wick

[Clever Fox]

[Clever Fox]

I was delighted when my Doctor told me I can have Sex at 75

 

You have no idea how pleased I was to hear that.

 

I won't have far to go since I live at number 77

[Beliall]

A T-Rex and a Velociraptor are sitting in a bar. The Velociraptor points to a Triceratops in the corner and says, "Why is he first to get served?" The T-Rex says, "Because he was herbivorous!"

[Trav Le Bleu]

I'm really enjoying the autopsy club I've just joined. I'm especially looking forward to tonight, as it's open Mike night.

[Parafox]

7 hours ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

I'm really enjoying the autopsy club I've just joined. I'm especially looking forward to tonight, as it's open Mike night.

Who's on the organ?

[NAKC20]

9 minutes ago, Parafox said:

Who's on the organ?

Liver-ace with his candles

[tom27111]

14 minutes ago, Parafox said:

Who's on the organ?

Don't know, but you Aorta listen to it.

 

Sorry

[NAKC20]

2 minutes ago, tom27111 said:

Don't know, but you Aorta listen to it.

 

Sorry

Blood-y stupid answer

[dsr-burnley]

A businessman was travelling north on the overnight sleeper to Edinburgh. He told the steward when he got on, that no matter what happened, he had to get off the train at Carlisle. He said "I'm a very sound sleeper, and I'm very grumpy in the mornings and won't be at all willing to wake up - but I must get off the train at Carlisle. Here's £20, as a token for your efforts, if you promise to put me off at Carlisle, no matter what my objections."

Fair enough, thought the steward. And off the train went, and the businessman went to sleep.

And he woke up in Edinburgh. He sought out the steward and gave him a piece of his mind. He really let rip. Two minutes by the clock, never pausing for breath, never repeating himself.

And the steward said "I do say, sir, that you're a very fine swearer. A very fine swearer indeed. But I have to say, I recently met a man who could swear twice as long and twice as loud."

"Who was that?" , asked the businessman.

"The man I put off at Carlisle"

Edited 5 January 2023 by dsr-burnley

[StanSP]

 

 

[Bilsthorpe Blue]

A forest fan walks into a travel shop and asks "is there any mini breaks available " the agent replies " well you can't beat Blackpool this time of year"

[Clever Fox]

 

A Farmer to his Son who is in Jail.

 

"Dear Son, this year I won't be able to plant Potatoes because I can't dig the field by myself, I know if you were here, you would have helped me".

 

The Son writes back,

"Dad don't even think of digging the Field, because that's where I buried all the money I stole."

 

The police read the letter and the next day the whole field was dug up looking for the money but nothing was found.

 

The following day the Son wrote again,

“Now plant your Potatoes dad, it's the best I can do from in here.”

 

Edited 15 January 2023 by Clever Fox

[Aus Fox]

Spurs have sent out an appeal to find the fan who kicked Ramsdale on the weekend. With the promise of a lifetime ban from White Heart Lane for the guilty party.

So far 1,287 fans have turned up to admit guilt.

[Mister Singh]

All, be careful if you receive an email about reading maps backwards, turns out it spam.

[KP Fox]

I took my wife to the new Eskimo restaurant. We asked to see the menu and the waiter said "We dont have many options so I'll run through it with you" 
He said "We have whale meat steaks, whale meat curry, whale meat stir fry, and of course our weekly special "The Vera Lynn" 
I said "What's the Vera Lynn" The waiter said " Whale meat again"

 

olé olé olé olé Tetê Tetê

[Parafox]

35 minutes ago, KP Fox said:

I took my wife to the new Eskimo restaurant. We asked to see the menu and the waiter said "We dont have many options so I'll run through it with you" 
He said "We have whale meat steaks, whale meat curry, whale meat stir fry, and of course our weekly special "The Vera Lynn" 
I said "What's the Vera Lynn" The waiter said " Whale meat again"

 

olé olé olé olé Tetê Tetê
 

 

I'm 67 yrs old. I remember finding that mildly amusing when I was 15. 

 

[KP Fox]

23 minutes ago, Parafox said:

I'm 67 yrs old. I remember finding that mildly amusing when I was 15. 

 

As my mate Paddy used to say: Whale oil beef hooked