The joke thread

[TheLittleBigMan]

My mate got pissed and fell asleep at a party. So I traced my dick on his face.

[adam1]

17 hours ago, TheLittleBigMan said:

You will never get a more inappropriate time than now. Do it.

 

[adam1]

[adam1]

[The Bear]

Yep you were right!

 

[adam1]

12 minutes ago, The Bear said:

Yep you were right!

 

 

[Trav Le Bleu]

Where are the jokes?

 

Save us @Izzy!

 

[Izzy]

34 minutes ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

Where are the jokes?

 

Save us @Izzy!

 

I'll try mate... 

 

 

 

I went for a job as a Farrier the other day and the interviewer asked me "Have you ever shoed a horse before?"

 

I said, "No, but I once told a donkey to fvck off"

[adam1]

38 minutes ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

Where are the jokes?

 

Save us @Izzy!

 

There she is lying there, looking all dishevelled & drained of all life. A face that blankly stares back at you when you look into its eyes.

 

But enough about Liz Truss, how's the Queen looking since we pumped her full of embalming fluid? 

[adam1]

Due to the Queens passing it will no longer be possible to receive a letter from her when you turn 100.

 

Instead, you now receive a text from Prince Andrew when you turn 14.

[Mister Singh]

Thinking back, really disappointed with my careers advisor when she told me the sky's the limit, I wanted to be an astronaut. 

[Parafox]

On 10/09/2022 at 15:36, adam1 said:

There she is lying there, looking all dishevelled & drained of all life. A face that blankly stares back at you when you look into its eyes.

 

But enough about one man has sustained a head injury. His injuries are not believed to be life-threatening or life-changing.”he Queen looking since we pumped her full of embalming fluid? 

 one man has sustained a head injury. His injuries are not believed to be life-threatening or life-changing.”

[Jon the Hat]

Some books just fell on my head.  I’ve only got my shelf to blame.  
 

courtesy of my 9 year old.

Edited 18 September 2022 by Jon the Hat

[Wolfox]

You've really got to hand it to short people, mainly because they can't reach it for themselves

[Trav Le Bleu]

Just seen on House of Games one of the answers was concerning Gary Lineker never getting a yellow card in his 16 year career.

 

Well neither did Conrad Logan and you never hear anyone banging on about that!

[Trav Le Bleu]

I went to a Japanese restaurant the other day and I said to the waiter, "can I have several types of wine and don't get all sarky."

[Aus Fox]

3 hours ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

Just seen on House of Games one of the answers was concerning Gary Lineker never getting a yellow card in his 16 year career.

 

Well neither did Conrad Logan and you never hear anyone banging on about that!

Definitely got sent off at least once whilst onloan from us and has a few bookings along the way.

[Facecloth]

I was going to tell a joke about trickle down economics.

 

But 99% of you won't get it.

[Wolfox]

21 minutes ago, Facecloth said:

I was going to tell a joke about trickle down economics.

 

But 99% of you won't get it.

Reminds me of this one

 

Dark humour is like food…

Not everybody gets it…

[Beliall]

Jokes about stealing kitchen utensils might have been posted before, but its a whisk im willing to take

[Parafox]

7 hours ago, Beliall said:

Jokes about stealing kitchen utensils might have been posted before, but its a whisk im willing to take

[Parafox]

Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home‘.

He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’.

‘Is it common?’I asked.  

It’s not unusual’ he replied.

 

[Clever Fox]

Two older women outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.

One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

First Lady: Wow, What's that?

Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

First Lady: Where did you get it?

Second Lady: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and asks for a box of condoms.

The guy, looks at her strangely, obviously embarrassed (she is at least over 80 years old ), So very delicately he asks, what brand she prefers.

Oh it doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

Edited 27 September 2022 by Clever Fox

[Beliall]

24 minutes ago, Clever Fox said:

Two older women outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.

One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

First Lady: Wow, What's that?

Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

First Lady: Where did you get it?

Second Lady: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and asks for a box of condoms.

The guy, looks at her strangely, obviously embarrassed (she is at least over 80 years old ), So very delicately he asks, what brand she prefers.

Oh it doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

[Parafox]

6 hours ago, Clever Fox said:

Two older women outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.

One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

First Lady: Wow, What's that?

Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

First Lady: Where did you get it?

Second Lady: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and asks for a box of condoms.

The guy, looks at her strangely, obviously embarrassed (she is at least over 80 years old ), So very delicately he asks, what brand she prefers.

Oh it doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

 

IFIRC there was an advertising campaign many, years ago that had this as it's promo: