The joke thread

[Trumpet]

What do George Michael and wellies have in common?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They both get sucked off in bogs. 

[Tinman]

My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word please. Which I think is poor for four.

[Clever Fox]

Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it away.

Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones his fruend the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"

"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station,

we'll never forget you.'"

 

[foxfanazer]

I told me wife I got a job at the bowling alley. Ten pin? she said.

No it’s a permanent post I replied.

[foxfanazer]

"What do we want?"

 

"Time travel"

 

"When do we want it?"

 

"It's irrelevant"

[Tinman]

Mountains aren’t just funny, they’re hill areas.

[Clever Fox]

A little girl was riding her bicycle in Hyde Park. A mounted police officer stops her and asks.

Did you get that Bike from Santa, Little Girl answers yes I did.

Well next yealr tell Santa you need a Reflector light on the Back and a Bell.

I'm afraid I have to give you a Summons. Upset, the little girl takes the Summons,  A s she walks off

She asks the Policeman , Did you get that Horse from Santa. The Officer smiles and says yes I did.

Well next year tell Santa the Dick goes under the Horse not on top.

[Tinman]

My friend got taken to hospital because he’s convinced that he’s turned into a vacuum cleaner. Just phoned to see how he is and they say he’s picking up.

[cambridgefox]

4 hours ago, Tinman said:

My friend got taken to hospital because he’s convinced that he’s turned into a vacuum cleaner. Just phoned to see how he is and they say he’s picking up.

Well funny you should say that,I was in the premature ejaculation unit and my wife came in and said “ how is he?”

The nurse said” it’s touch and go”

[Clever Fox]

Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked. The headaches are all gone."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Damn! That was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

She's not my wife.

She's not my wife.

She's not my wife.

His funeral service will be held on Saturday 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[Clever Fox]

Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Well, I went to see  a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked. The headaches are all gone."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go and see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Damn! That was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

She's not my wife.

She's not my wife.

She's not my wife.

His funeral service will be held on Saturday 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[tom27111]

Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

 

"No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?"

 

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked. The headaches are all gone."

 

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

 

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

 

His wife says, "Damn! That was wonderful!"

 

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

 

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

 

She's not my wife.

 

She's not my wife.

 

She's not my wife.

 

His funeral service will be held on Saturday 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[Clever Fox]

On a night out I met a lovely woman about 60ish.  In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of shots, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?

'What's that? I asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

Excitedly my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't. but count me in.

 

We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night so.

We went back to her place.

As we walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:

'Mom... you still awake, I have another live one here.

[Tinman]

[Trav Le Bleu]

On 06/10/2022 at 20:34, tom27111 said:

Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

 

"No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?"

 

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked. The headaches are all gone."

 

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

 

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

 

His wife says, "Damn! That was wonderful!"

 

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

 

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

 

She's not my wife.

 

She's not my wife.

 

She's not my wife.

 

His funeral service will be held on Saturday 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Now that's how to get a laugh!

 

(Not the joke, obviously)

[Wolfox]

My wife is always nagging at me for getting my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right.

[Parafox]

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"

Student: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Student: "Homework!"

[Parafox]

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’

[Clever Fox]

Wife, I have a bag full of clothes I want to donate to charity.

 

Husband, Why not just throw them in a Skip. That's easier.

 

Wife, But there's starving people who can really use these clothes.

 

Husband, Honey, trust me,

Anyone who fits into your clothes is not starving.

 

Doctor said my black eye will last about 2 weeks.

 

[Clever Fox]

The fact that there's a highway to hell

And only a Stariway the Heaven

Says a lot about the human race.

[Clever Fox]

Man asks the waitress what is todays special.  “Beef tongue” she replies.

“Are you kidding?

You want me to eat something out of an animals MOUTH???

 

Just bring me 2 boiled eggs”

[Facecloth]

The urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps

Tonight" is always just a whim away...

 

A whim away, a whim away, a whim

away.

[Blarmy]

On 15/10/2022 at 18:16, Clever Fox said:

The fact that there's a highway to hell

And only a Stariway the Heaven

Says a lot about the human race.

Stariway 

[davieG]

46 minutes ago, Blarmy said:

Stariway 

It's quite Stari up there in heaven.

[Wolfox]

My wife peddles batteries in the local playground.

She sells C cells by the seesaw.