The joke thread

[Clever Fox]

2 guys are renovating an old Shop. People keep coming by & asking questions.

At the end of the day the shelves etc. are all cleared and so they decide to take a break.

Just then an old woman pops her head in. Hey, lads, what are you selling here?

 

Deciding to be a smartass one replies ;’Arseholes missus, we’re selling Aresholes’

Jaysus, you are doing well lads - only two left I see!

[Big Dave]

We ate at a new fetish restaurant last night. I got toed in the hole.

[Tinman]

Forest playing a friendly in Ashbourne today apparently

[Alf Bentley]

I can't believe @Izzy's joke about children in the Not News thread has been deleted.

 

After all these years, the one time the bloke posts a funny joke and it gets deleted.....shocking decision by the ref. I call for VAR! 

[Facecloth]

News Report: In the science world a new element was added to the periodic table. Designated by the letters AH it is of course the element of surprise.

[Wolfox]

Someone asked me yesterday what my ringtone was...

I said "I've never looked, but I'd hazard a guess at light brown...".
 

[Beliall]

My friend lost his ear in an accident and had to have a pigs ear transplanted on. I asked him if it was working ok... He said “It’s fine apart from a bit of crackling...”

[Messi]

What did the blind man say to the woman in the bath? 
 

“Where do you want these blinds fitting love? Oh, nice tits..”

[wurmer]

On 08/01/2023 at 14:13, Bilsthorpe Blue said:

A forest fan walks into a travel shop and asks "is there any mini breaks available " the agent replies " well you can't beat Blackpool this time of year"

This could age badly....

[TrickyTrevLeftPeg]

A rope walks into a bar. The bartender sees him, and says "Sorry, we don't serve ropes. I'm gonna have to ask you to leave." The rope goes outside, and tries to disguise himself.

 

He ties himself up, ruffles up his hair, then goes back into the bar. The bartender says "Hey, aren't you the rope I just asked to leave?" And the rope replies "No sir, I'm a frayed knot."

[Trav Le Bleu]

Has @Izzy created a second account?

[Trav Le Bleu]

Had to go hospital for a lumber puncture the other day and I'm never going to trust my surgeon ever again. 

 

He just stabbed me in the back.

[MPH]

Just got back from a new restaurant. Had a great menu. One the options was ‘Napoleon chicken’. I asked the waiter what that was and he said “ there’s no boney part’.

[MPH]

Circles eh? They’re a bit pointless.

[Parafox]

11 minutes ago, MPH said:

Circles eh? They’re a bit pointless.

Are you Tim Vine?

[MPH]

5 minutes ago, Parafox said:

Are you Tim Vine?

Yes. 

[Milo]

When you die, your pupils are the last part of your body with any life left in them. 
 

 

They dilate.  

[Trav Le Bleu]

I recently applied for a job at a chemical factory. The boss asked me, "What do you know about nitrates?"

 

I replied, "Well I'm hoping it's time and a half."

[Parafox]

On 13/04/2023 at 05:04, Milo said:

When you die, your pupils are the last part of your body with any life left in them. 
 

 

They dilate.  

 

22 minutes ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

I recently applied for a job at a chemical factory. The boss asked me, "What do you know about nitrates?"

 

I replied, "Well I'm hoping it's time and a half."

This topic has gone to 

 

 

Even @Izzy doesn't bother anymore.

 

Thankfully 

[Izzy]

I said to the wife, "My mates got a quality street stuck in his windpipe"

 

She says "the purple one?"

 

I said "yeah, that's him"

[Parafox]

2 hours ago, Izzy said:

I said to the wife, "My mates got a quality street stuck in his windpipe"

 

She says "the purple one?"

 

I said "yeah, that's him"

Oh for fvcks sake...

[RobHawk]

An adulterer, a peado and a ginger who likes to talk about his feelings walk into a bar, the barman looks at the ginger who likes to talk about his feelings and says oi, we don't want the likes of you in here.

[FOXYTALK]

Leicester City

[Big Dave]

Just been for my prostate exam.

 

Got the thumbs up.

[Facecloth]

I can't believe it's 2023 and people are still making Friends references.

 

Nobody told me life was gonna be this way.