Living a Lie

[David Guiza]

As a lighthearted detour from Cumgate and the ongoing pandemic, I thought a slightly unusual topic was in order. 

In spite of what the title may suggest it is not a coming out party, though feel free to do so if you feel a topic on Foxestalk is the way for you. It is actually about strange and unusual lies you have told that you are still living with to this day, or ones that you have been caught out on. We're not talking cheating on your ex, more pretending that you had passed your bronze swimming certificate when you hadn't. 

 

As a couple of examples to get the topic going:-

 

1. A few years ago, when I was a shy child, my family and I went on holiday to Italy where we met a lovely family from Barnsley who invited me to join in their poolside games/football etc across the fortnight. Upon meeting they asked my name, as you do, and I told them (Mark), for some reason they misheard and thought I was called Paul. I tried to correct them once, but gave up when they didn't heard and then accepted that I would be called Paul for a fortnight. I was eventually rumbled towards the end of the holiday when my parents beckoned by over and was greeted with an awkward conversation about why I had pretending to called Paul. 

 

2. An ex-colleague thinks I have 4 cats and I have now been keeping up the premise for 3 years and counting. It all started when we used to share an office and as such had the usual mundane chit-chat, one day I told her that we were due to be visiting a lady that evening about adopting two cats. We did then get said cats but had to return her to her previous owner upon discovering that my wife was considerably allergic to long-haired mogs. A few months later we tried again to adopt a cat, but had a last minute change of heart as we thought we'd be moving house in the near future and would consequently wait until we'd moved. Just before leaving my job with this colleague we finally got a cat, at which point she asked how the other 3 were doing and I panicked for no apparent reason and said they were doing fine. She must at this point have assumed that I was a low budget Joe Exotic. Anyway, she's a lovely lady who often keeps in touch and we tend to bump into her when we nip back to Leamington and I have had to keep up the facade for years because I'm in too deep. 

 

I may be the only awkward chap on here, but I hope others have got equally stupid lies that they've been keeping up for years. 

[FerrisBueller]

Not quite the same, but a few years back I occasionally got a lift home from work from my boss.

Very often the topic of conversation would be music, as it was a shared interest of ours. This basically started a chain of me pretending to like bands that I actually hated, to the point where it was like:

"Have you heard that new xxxx album?"

"Yeah really good mate" (fcking kill me)

 

To be honest, not sure why I didn't just say, no I actually hate this band - must have been the fear of upsetting the boss 

Pathetic really, but I feel your pain as an awkward bloke myself.

 

[DB11]

On my driving test I don’t know how but the topic came up of narrow boats and the examiner was really into then and went on boating holidays. I played along to seem genuinely interested and said I liked them too  I passed though

[z-layrex]

I was really drunk the night I got with my (now) wife after the work Xmas party. We were talking on a sofa at an afterparty, I was wearing shit brogues from Office and for some reason (probably because I'm actually really pathetic) I told her they were my late Grandfather's shoes and that I had gotten them resoled and wear them once a year. I was probably trying to appear endearing in my drunkeness.

 

Anyway for the next 5 years I forgot about the lie. Then leading up to our wedding day I mention I need to get shoes and she asks why I dont wear my grandfather's shoes, FFS they even say Office on the soles. I lied and said they hurt too much. To this day she still believes they're his shoes, I've hidden them in the attic like a dead body, incase she one day looks and sees the office logo. God knows how she's never brought them up with my mother.

 

Sorry Grandad, love you!

[Dunge]

Doesn’t quite compare in extent, but:

 

The other year I was driving up to North Yorkshire on holiday. I stopped off at a petrol station in a Yorkshire town called Howden, where I filled up the car and picked some lunch. When I went to pay, for some reason in the moment I chose to speak a couple of words in a Yorkshire accent.

 

The cashier then opened up a conversation with me.

 

At this point I couldn’t go back and use my normal Leicester accent. Otherwise it would sound like I was just taking the p. So I had to plough on, attempting every reply in an attempted Yorkshire accent.

 

I have no idea to this day whether she bought it, was deeply offended or thought it was hilarious. But I dread to think how much sweat I was dripping by the end of the overlong conversation and I’ve never made that mistake again.

[The Blur]

DB11's post reminded me of my 'white lie'

 

First of all- a quick disclosure-  I am deaf and communicate via British Sign Language and with no speech.  The disclosure will make sense once you all have read the lie.

 

I had a torrid time learning how to drive and have failed the driving test four times prior to my move to Nottingham.   So,  when I moved,  I signed up for lessons with a new driving instructor who took me around a quiet estate in the first lesson.    Upon ending the lesson,  the bloke turned to me and said blimey you are quite a good driver for a first timer and asked whether if I had any previous driving experience before that.    I responded by holding four fingers up and mouthed that I have failed four driving tests previously.   The bloke's eyes widened in amazement and he said-  you only had four hours of driving experience?   At this point,  I just frozen and was too embarrassed to clarify so I just rolled with it.  This is actually quite common between deaf and hearing people-  I have loads of communication breakdowns in my life and sometimes would just roll with it cause I cannot be arsed/too embarrassed to clarify.

 

The sting in this lie was that I actually passed my next driving test  (on my fifth attempt overall but the first one with him)  so he probably still thinks that I am the most fastest learner that he ever had!   

 

 

[StanSP]

9 minutes ago, z-layrex said:

I was really drunk the night I got with my (now) wife after the work Xmas party. We were talking on a sofa at an afterparty, I was wearing shit brogues from Office and for some reason (probably because I'm actually really pathetic) I told her they were my late Grandfather's shoes and that I had gotten them resoled and wear them once a year. I was probably trying to appear endearing in my drunkeness.

 

Anyway for the next 5 years I forgot about the lie. Then leading up to our wedding day I mention I need to get shoes and she asks why I dont wear my grandfather's shoes, FFS they even say Office on the soles. I lied and said they hurt too much. To this day she still believes they're his shoes, I've hidden them in the attic like a dead body, incase she one day looks and sees the office logo. God knows how she's never brought them up with my mother.

 

Sorry Grandad, love you!

Now you just have to hope she never reads this  

[The whole world smiles]

Good topic, I can't remember what about but I was being teased about something in my first week at a new secondary school, I think i was 10 and started to cry. 

 

People started asking me what I was crying about, I panicked and I don't know why maybe it was for sympathy maybe it was because I wanted to appear hard and the crying was ruining but for some reason I said my dad had died. 

 

The kids were all really good and rallied round me. And I had to pretend he was dead for 2 years,

 

There was even a lad whose dad was a firefighter and his dad really had died in fire who saw me as some sort of kindred spirit. I still remember his advice "don't worry it gets easier" not if you've made the whole thing up mate! It's pretty grim when I think back to it now. 

 

People had suspected for a while but the lie came crashing down when he picked me up from football training.

 

Like the Vietnam war the lie was easy to get into and a bastard to get out off.

 

Should have called a press conference and said I was worried about my eyesight!

[Tommy G]

Not related to me but my brother - we met a family from Leicester at the time on Holiday at the east coast on a caravan park where my grandparents had a caravan, we played football with these two lads everyday. My brother at the time was about 12, he was a good footballer then, these two lads said to him ''your really good you should have trials for Leicester'' at which point my brother blurted out that he did in fact play for Leicester Under 13s (he didn't, played for Stoney Stanton!), spent the whole holiday having to keep this lie up, making up stuff about training and matches and also who he meets at Belvoir drive etc. Said he could get them tickets in a box ffs

 

I met them in a nightclub about 5/6 years ago completely randomly and told them it was all a lie, they looked a bit taken a back!

[Brainy]

1 minute ago, The whole world smiles said:

Good topic, I can't remember what about but I was being teased about something in my first week at a new secondary school, I think i was 10 and started to cry. 

 

People started asking me what I was crying about, I panicked and I don't know why maybe it was for sympathy maybe it was because I wanted to appear hard and the crying was ruining but for some reason I said my dad had died. 

 

The kids were all really good and rallied round me. And I had to pretend he was dead for 2 years, the lie came crashing down when he picked me up from football training.

 

Should have called a press conference and said I was worried about my eyesight!

My story is the opposite. Not sure if it's wrong of me really but the time and place never helped. My mum actually did die nearly a decade ago, i've worked in retail most of my time since and had the odd couple of people who knew her approach me (whilst working) and ask how shes doing. Have always basically said she's fine in as few words as possible. It never happened more than half a dozen times but reached a point where the more I lied, the harder and more awkward it would be to tell them the truth

 

On a lighter but lame note, I can't bring myself to correct my new work manager when he pronounces my surname wrong

[davieG]

2 hours ago, Dunge said:

Doesn’t quite compare in extent, but:

 

The other year I was driving up to North Yorkshire on holiday. I stopped off at a petrol station in a Yorkshire town called Howden, where I filled up the car and picked some lunch. When I went to pay, for some reason in the moment I chose to speak a couple of words in a Yorkshire accent.

 

The cashier then opened up a conversation with me.

 

At this point I couldn’t go back and use my normal Leicester accent. Otherwise it would sound like I was just taking the p. So I had to plough on, attempting every reply in an attempted Yorkshire accent.

 

I have no idea to this day whether she bought it, was deeply offended or thought it was hilarious. But I dread to think how much sweat I was dripping by the end of the overlong conversation and I’ve never made that mistake again.

They probably have it CCTV and bring it out every so often and have a good laugh at how bad you were 

[Benguin]

I am a very naturally guilty person and seem guilty even when I'm innocent. Often in my life if there has been a statement about a crime / misdeed made to a large group of us by a teacher or a boss, even if I have no knowledge, I will go bright red, sweat and look guilty. 

 

This has resulted in me taking the blame for lots of stuff in my life that I didn't do. On top of this I'm a bit socially awkward with new people and half lie when asked questions. I tend to answer in the affirmative or use the first answer that comes to my head. This has resulted in me agreeing that I'm from different parts of the country than I actually am, stating my job completely wrong or giving the wrong age. I rember once being asked how old I was for buying alcohol when I was 29, I said I was 21 as I panicked and then was asked for ID, I handed my drivers licence over and they thought it was fake and didn't serve me because it said I was 29.

[StanSP]

6 minutes ago, Benguin said:

I am a very naturally guilty person and seem guilty even when I'm innocent. Often in my life if there has been a statement about a crime / misdeed made to a large group of us by a teacher or a boss, even if I have no knowledge, I will go bright red, sweat and look guilty. 

 

This has resulted in me taking the blame for lots of stuff in my life that I didn't do. On top of this I'm a bit socially awkward with new people and half lie when asked questions. I tend to answer in the affirmative or use the first answer that comes to my head. This has resulted in me agreeing that I'm from different parts of the country than I actually am, stating my job completely wrong or giving the wrong age. I rember once being asked how old I was for buying alcohol when I was 29, I said I was 21 as I panicked and then was asked for ID, I handed my drivers licence over and they thought it was fake and didn't serve me because it said I was 29.

I have that guilty look as well and even when I have absolutely nothing to do with whatever incident may come up or be talked about, I'll try too hard to be conscious of how I'm appearing that I'll end up looking more guilty than I ever should.

 

I also have a similar story about age too. Think it was when a 12-rated film was out in the cinema and my brother and I went (just us 2). I was only 10 or 11 at the time but in order to get in to see the film, I was told (obviously) that if I'm asked what age I am then to say I'm 12. So the guy checking the tickets asked. My answer? My real age . 

 

I can't remember how the rest of the conversation panned out but obviously looking back, I had no idea how I would have proved I was 12. What ID can you even get at that age apart from a McLovin-esque fake ID  

[urban.spaceman]

.

[stripeyfox]

3 hours ago, Dunge said:

Doesn’t quite compare in extent, but:

 

The other year I was driving up to North Yorkshire on holiday. I stopped off at a petrol station in a Yorkshire town called Howden, where I filled up the car and picked some lunch. When I went to pay, for some reason in the moment I chose to speak a couple of words in a Yorkshire accent.

 

The cashier then opened up a conversation with me.

 

At this point I couldn’t go back and use my normal Leicester accent. Otherwise it would sound like I was just taking the p. So I had to plough on, attempting every reply in an attempted Yorkshire accent.

 

I have no idea to this day whether she bought it, was deeply offended or thought it was hilarious. But I dread to think how much sweat I was dripping by the end of the overlong conversation and I’ve never made that mistake again.

Haha, that reminds me of when we used to go out drinking in town. There was this local guy who looked like fuching nutcase - the Welsh Francis Begbie if you will in his Farah trousers and Pringle jumper, generally offering everyone out. Me and my mates took the piss out of his accent and he caught us doing it one night (me and my mate). In order to prevent bloodshed, we had to pretend we were from Cardiff. We just about got away with it but every Saturday night we'd see him and he yell "alright Boyo" to me. Kept the charade up for years. I've not seen him in many years but even now I'd have to fake my Welsh accent in order to prevent getting my head kicked in!

 

[Trav Le Bleu]

I'm not French.

 

 

[Nalis]

11 minutes ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

I'm not French.

 

 

Neither am I.

[MPH]

I used to live on Victoria Park Road and was there when they were building the Sainsburys homebase. A couple of days after it opened I remember my mum getting a phone call from my stepdads mum. She was basically my grandma and the sweetest lady on earth. Well my mum started to get all excited  and was saying stuff like “ ooh is he! Wow! Great! That’s fantastic! MATT! YOU'RE IN THE PAPER!“ 

what?

 

 

she put the phone down, got the mercury and brought it over to me. Homebase took a photo of the first guests that were waiting at the door on their opening day.. a group photo.. If you went in and identified yourself  in the photo You Got £40 worth of vouchers to spend there.  Admittedly there was a young chap with his head sticking out amongst the crowd  that looked just like me. By now everyone was gathered round me looking at the paper. Everyone was urging me to go get the vouchers and were very excited for me. I explained that I was to shy to go which didn’t go down too well. In a flash, my sisters had me out the door and were marching me up to Homebase to claim my prize. We got there introduced ourselves and I said I was in the photo.this lady came out of a room with the photo, locked at me, I grinned and She  gave me the £40 vouchers  to spend there And off we went. My sisters were all excited as we walked home but all I could think about was what is a young teenage boy going to spend £40 vouchers on in homebase?

 

Well we got home and my mum was reading the article and she mentioned it said in the article it was taken at something like 6am on their opening day- they opened up early as they were expecting  big crowds and she knew I never came out of my room before 11 am on a Saturday. Rumbled. anyway, she didn’t care, gave me 15 quid for the vouchers  ( I was well happy!) and off she went to Homebase.

 

Every time I saw my grandma for the next ten years she mentioned it to me and how great she thought I was. She mentioned it when she came round, in front of everyone at parties/ family gatherings- I had to tell everyone all about it every single time ( it was very very awkward), and every time she called to speak to us. She died a couple of years Ago  but I never Had the guts to own up!

 

 

I spent the £15 on panini stickers. Got lots of foils and everyone at Lancaster boys was very jealous!

[urban.spaceman]

I’m Frank. 

[ozleicester]

4 hours ago, urban.spaceman said:

.

Still living it eh?

[kingcarr21]

This was a lie that was done to me. Still laugh about it now

 

Cant remember how old I was, about 17. I'm at home in the lounge watching tv and my bro is upstairs with his girlfriend. 2 of my mates come round so we are chilling in the lounge.

 

Whilst sat there I could hear my dog making some random noises in the kitchen. I go to check on him and the back door is open and all I can see is the back of the dog and his tail wagging. I was sure I had closed the door to let my mates in not 2 mins prior. So I go to the door and crouching down are 2 masked blokes. The one closest to me stands up and points a gun at me. My instant reaction was to say WTF are you doing. They then run off. All happened in a split second.

 

So i'm standing there processing what's just happened. I go into the lounge and ask my mates who was that at the door. Thinking it was a prank. As I knew the gun was a BB gun revolver (which one of my mates, my cousin, was massively into them. Had a large collection) but they both genuinely had no idea.

 

At this point I thought, holy shit, cause there had been some recent incidents where cars had been getting robbed due to people leaving the keys by their back doors. So I shout to my bro who comes down with a golf club and goes searching the back garden (the way they ran, which leads onto a park).

 

I call the police and literally within 2 mins there were 2 cars, 2 X5's and the dog unit round my house. They proceed to check the area and start asking me questions.

 

I could tell they didn't believe me, because they thought my reaction to having a gun pointed at me wasn't normal. I told them I literally didn't have time to process the fact I had a gun pointed at me. Also the barrel of the gun was tiny so I must have known it was a BB gun in that moment.

 

So the next few days we have forensics coming round looking for prints on the door. Nobody believed me that it happened. My bro and my mates were skeptical. 2 weeks later a police officer comes round to tell me they have dropped the investigation. So we carry on.

 

Fast forward about 12 years later. I get a random phone call from my bro who is at the pub. I answer and all he is doing is laughing his head off.

 

He then tells me that he believes me about what happened that night. Cause his mate had just told him that it was him and one of his mates trying to scare my brother. Now I know the lad who did it, spoke to him many times over the years. I even remember speaking to him about the incident. Yet he never confessed until he had some ale down him at the pub.  

 

He said he had never been so scared when he heard the police cars. They had bolted and ran to his mates house to hide. Was all meant to be a massive joke but they were worried I had been scarred for life  

 

The funniest thing was my bro was in the middle of getting a blow job when I had shouted up to him that night. He says he will never forget that moment of about blowing and me ruining it . So sounds like the one traumatized by that night the most is my brother