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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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RODNEY FERNIO

RODNEY FERNIO

Posted
Posted

Man walks into a bar and proceeds to down four pints of beer in ten minutes.

Then shouts at the men standing to the right of him ........ Your all a bunch of idiots.

He then turns round and shouts at the men to the left of him ... Your all a bunch of fools.

A man standing to the right of him objects to this and says ...that's not fair , I'm not an idiot.

He then turns round again and replies  .... Well if your not an idiot go and stand over there with the fools.

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Buce

Buce

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A woman walks into a bar and sits next to a big scouser. After a while she leans over and whispers, "do you want a blow job". The scouser leaps up in a rage, grabs her by the hair, and drags her outside for a beating. 

 

After a while he comes back and orders another pint. "I've never seen you so angry", says the barman,"what did she say?".

"Dunno",  says the scouser, "something about a job...". 

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Buce

Buce

Posted
Posted (edited)

Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty scousers showed up. Never having seen anyone from Liverpool at heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous from the group. A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone."
"What? All of the Scousers are gone?" asked God.
"No" replied Saint Peter "The Pearly Gates!"

Edited by Buce
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Webbo

Webbo

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While golfing, a senior gentleman accidentally overturned his golf cart late one afternoon.
A very attractive, young, female golfer, who lives in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you OK?"
"I’m OK, thanks," he replied, as he pulled himself out of the twisted cart.
She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I’ll help you get the cart up later."
The old guy noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.
"That’s mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don’t think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now!" she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. He was weak.
"Well, OK," he finally agreed.
After a couple of Scotch and sodas, he thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now."
"Don’t be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. Your wife won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?"
He replied, "Still under the cart, I suppose.

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Izzy

Izzy

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Posted
18 minutes ago, Webbo said:

While golfing, a senior gentleman accidentally overturned his golf cart late one afternoon.
A very attractive, young, female golfer, who lives in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you OK?"
"I’m OK, thanks," he replied, as he pulled himself out of the twisted cart.
She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I’ll help you get the cart up later."
The old guy noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.
"That’s mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don’t think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now!" she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. He was weak.
"Well, OK," he finally agreed.
After a couple of Scotch and sodas, he thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now."
"Don’t be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. Your wife won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?"
He replied, "Still under the cart, I suppose.

Me and the wife both love golf. We were chatting the other day and I asked her if she would ever re-marry after I die?

 

She replied "Well maybe, after a suitable amount of time had passed"

 

I said "That's fine with me. And you know you could always let him use my golf clubs if you want"

 

She answered "That would be no good, he's left handed"

 

 

 

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Tuna

Tuna

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A man walks into the brothel and sees a sign

 

Cheese sandwich - £2

Handjob - £5

 

He walks over to the barmaid, a big busty blonde, and asks, “Are you the one giving out handjobs?”

 

“Why yes I am!”, she replied, smiling and sticking out her chest.

 

“Okay,” he said. 

 

“Go wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich!”

Edited by Tuna
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Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted
5 minutes ago, Tuna said:

A man walks into the brothel and sees a sign

 

Cheese sandwich - £2

Handjob - £5

 

He walks over to the barmaid, a big busty blonde, and asks, “Are you the one giving out handjobs?”

 

“Why yes I am!”, she replied, smiling and sticking out her chest.

 

“Okay,” he said. 

 

“Go wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich!”

Speaking of brothels, I visited Amsterdam last winter.

 

It was very cold, but in a few of the streets some of the ladies were showing just how hot their front rooms were by only wearing the skimpiest of outfits. Quite impressive as outside it was at least -10°C.

 

So I knocked on one of the large front windows and asked "How much?"...

 

..."Fifty Euros" was the reply.

 

I must admit, that's a very reasonable price for such a large double glazed window...

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Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted
18 minutes ago, The Bear said:

So I asked the baker, "how come all of your cakes are 50p yet that one there is £1?"

He said "that's Madeira cake".

Talking of cakes...

 

That Mary Berry from the Great British Bake off asked me to lend her £50 the other day.

 

I said "With all that dosh you've got, you're not sponging off me"

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Milo

Milo

Posted
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7 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

That Mary Berry from the Great British Bake off asked me to lend her £50 the other day.

 

I said "With all that dosh you've got, you're not sponging off me"

Should've just given her the dough, mate...

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Beliall

Beliall

Posted
Posted
8 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

Talking of cakes...

 

That Mary Berry from the Great British Bake off asked me to lend her £50 the other day.

 

I said "With all that dosh you've got, you're not sponging off me"

Now that your back izzy, you might want to change your password, someone hacked your ft account and posted some actual jokes while you were away. Sorry to worry you.

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Countryfox

Countryfox

Posted
Posted

 

A golfer was having a terrible round – 20-over par for the front nine with scores of balls lost in water or rough. When his caddie then coughed as he steadied himself over a 12-inch putt on the 10th, he lost it.

 

“You’ve got to be the worst caddie in the world!” he yelled.

“I doubt it,” replied the caddie, dead-pan. “That would be too much of a coincidence.”

 


 

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Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted
5 minutes ago, Countryfox said:

 

A golfer was having a terrible round – 20-over par for the front nine with scores of balls lost in water or rough. When his caddie then coughed as he steadied himself over a 12-inch putt on the 10th, he lost it.

 

“You’ve got to be the worst caddie in the world!” he yelled.

“I doubt it,” replied the caddie, dead-pan. “That would be too much of a coincidence.”

 

Seeing as this is now the golf joke thread.....:D

 

A bloke rushed into the clubhouse yesterday yelling that his wife had been hit by a golf ball.

 

"Where did she get hit?" I asked

 

"Somewhere between the first and second hole!" he shouted

 

"Bloody hell" I said, "she must have quite a wide stance!" 

 

 

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