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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Tuna said:

A man was savagely attacked at The Teddy Bear's Picnic.

 

His condition is said to be improving but he's not out of the woods yet.

That's three times this joke has appeared in the last four pages lol

 

If I didn't know you better, I'd say you're doing it on purpose now :ph34r:

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Countryfox

Countryfox

Posted
Posted

 

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over.

 

The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

 

He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.

 

They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the ship?'


 

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Countryfox

Countryfox

Posted
Posted
9 minutes ago, woznotwos said:

Un hombre fue salvajemente atacado en el Picnic del oso de peluche.

  

Su condición se dice que está mejorando, pero aún no ha salido del bosque 

Eso es tres veces esta broma ha aparecido en las últimas cuatro páginas 
 
Si no te conocía mejor, diría que lo estás haciendo a propósito ahora
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Buce

Buce

Posted
Posted
38 minutes ago, woznotwos said:

Un hombre fue salvajemente atacado en el Picnic del oso de peluche.

  

Su condición se dice que está mejorando, pero aún no ha salido del bosque

 

28 minutes ago, Countryfox said: 

Eso es tres veces esta broma ha aparecido en las últimas cuatro páginas 
 
Si no te conocía mejor, diría que lo estás haciendo a propósito ahora

 

That's easy for you to say...

 

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The Bear

The Bear

Posted
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Posted

Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so they go to the doctors. After tests the doctor suggests Paddy's wife may be overheating during sex. Paddy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel over them during sex.

After 20 minutes of wafting, there is still no orgasm so his friend suggests a swap "I'll **** her and you waft the towel". Paddy agrees and within seconds Paddy's wife is screaming with pleasure and has the best orgasm ever.

Paddy turns slowly to his friend and says, "and that my friend is how you waft a towel"

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Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted
14 minutes ago, Tuna said:

I told my mate that I took my new girlfriend to north Wales for the weekend.

 

"Bangor" he asked

 

"Of course I did" I replied.

I told my mate that I took my new girlfriend to the Caribbean for the week.

 

"Jamaica?" he asked 

 

"No, she was quite willing" I replied 

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Carl the Llama

Carl the Llama

Posted
Posted

So they've name the Edinburgh fringe best joke winner and... it's a joke every man and his dog was making when they rolled the new pound coins out. :huh:  Tbf the entire selection's pretty poor:

The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe

1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng

2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle

3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle

4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz

5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field

6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons

7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin

8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel

10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King

11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes

12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff

13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang

14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess

15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine

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Webbo

Webbo

Posted
Posted
5 hours ago, Carl the Llama said:

So they've name the Edinburgh fringe best joke winner and... it's a joke every man and his dog was making when they rolled the new pound coins out. :huh:  Tbf the entire selection's pretty poor:

The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe

1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng

2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle

3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle

4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz

5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field

6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons

7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin

8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel

10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King

11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes

12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff

13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang

14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess

15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine

They've got that list upside down. The jokes get funnier( though not much) the further down you go.

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davieG

davieG

Posted
Posted

I win!

 

The oldest British joke dates back to the 10th Century and reveals the bawdy face of the Anglo-Saxons -- "What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before? Answer: A key."

 

This is Find the Oldest Joke Thread isn't it?

 

just-joking.jpg

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Trav Le Bleu

Trav Le Bleu

Posted
Posted

Joke 9 is okay, if you adapt it. As it's written earlier, it just doesn't click, but I tried it like this, to some good effect...

 

"I've not had many regrets in my life, though I wasn't very close to my dad when he died. But then, he trod on a landmine, so that's not one either."

 

Sorted.

 

 

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SouthStandUpperTier

SouthStandUpperTier

Posted
Posted
So they've name the Edinburgh fringe best joke winner and... it's a joke every man and his dog was making when they rolled the new pound coins out. :huh:  Tbf the entire selection's pretty poor:

The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe

1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng

2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle

3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle

4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz

5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field

6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons

7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin

8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel

10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King

11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes

12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff

13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang

14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess

15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine

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Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted

Whilst driving along the other day, I thought I saw Irish pop legend Van Morrison in my rear view mirror.

 

What an idiot I felt when I remembered that things appear reversed in mirrors.

 

It was actually a Morrisons Van...

 

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