The joke thread

[Buce]

4 minutes ago, the fox said:

whatever helps you sleep at night, buce

 

i knew you were joking

 

 

 

 

[Tielemans63]

I failed my final exam in Greek mythology last week.

 

I think a lack of revision may have been my Achilles elbow.

 

 

[foxfanazer]

I joined a dyslexic poetry club last night.

 

I ended up making 2 pots and a vase.

 

[Tuna]

I noticed something strange in the sky tonight and reached for my binoculars.

 

I couldn't believe my eyes.

 

It was a Ryanair flight!

[Parafox]

10 hours ago, Tuna said:

I noticed something strange in the sky tonight and reached for my binoculars.

 

I couldn't believe my eyes.

 

It was a Ryanair flight!

Flown by that inflatable pilot from "Airplane"

 

[fuchsntf]

On Friday, September 29, 2017 at 10:08, TiffToff88 said:

 

Your jokes have literally turned to shit lately

Hes Now  either...excruciatingLy or excremently amusing...!!!   Gud ol Muz

Edited 30 September 2017 by fuchsntf

[davieG]

On 29/09/2017 at 09:51, davieG said:

Reminds me of some toilet graffiti.

 

When the Shithouse poet dies.

He will find erected in the skies

As a token of his wit

A Column made of solid shit.

...  .and another

 

In this shithouse do not linger 

We're short of paper

So use your finger

If your finger is too small

Wipe your Arse upon the wall 

 

HERE >

[Webbo]

1 hour ago, davieG said:

...  .and another

 

In this shithouse do not linger 

We're short of paper

So use your finger

If your finger is too small

Wipe your Arse upon the wall 

 

HERE >

 

One my dad told me,

 

Here I  am, all down hearted.

Paid a penny and only farted.

[Captain...]

10 hours ago, Webbo said:

One my dad told me,

 

Here I  am, all down hearted.

Paid a penny and only farted.

I know it as:

 

Here I sit, broken hearted

Tried to cry but only farted

[Izzy]

I just bought a vintage Rolls Royce at auction, but the budget didn't cover a driver.

 

So I spent all that money, and I've got nothing to chauffeur it...

[Parafox]

1 hour ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I just bought a vintage Rolls Royce at auction, but the budget didn't cover a driver.

 

So I spent all that money, and I've got nothing to chauffeur it...

I'm tempted to react to that but it'll only encourage you.

[Izzy]

A little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint. He runs up the Giraffe and says, "Hey, Giraffe. You really shouldn't do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!" The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff, shrugs his shoulders, tosses the joint over his shoulder, and runs off through the wood with the Little Rabbit.

 

After a while, the Giraffe and the Rabbit come across an Elephant about to do a line of Coke. The Rabbit says, "Oh, Elephant you really shouldn't do that. You should come running with us in the wood instead, it's much better for you." The Elephant looks at the Rabbit, looks at the line of Charlie, shrugs his shoulders, then runs off through the wood with the Giraffe and the Rabbit.

 

Shortly they come across a Bear about to shoot up heroin. The Rabbit runs up to him and says, "Hey, Bear, you shouldn't do that, think of your health. You'd be better of running in the woods with us." The Bear looks at the Rabbit, looks at the syringe, spoon and stuff, shrugs his shoulders, kicks the whole lot away and runs off with the Rabbit, the Giraffe and the Elephant.

 

After a while they come across a Tiger drinking his way through a six pack of beer. The Rabbit runs up to the Tiger and says, "Hey Tiger, you really shouldn't do that" and the Tiger immediately jumps up and starts kicking the shit out of him.

 

The Giraffe pulls the Tiger off and asks, "Why on earth did you do that?"

 

The Tiger replies, "That fvcking Rabbit pisses me right off. Every time he's high on Ecstacy he keeps asking me to run around the woods for hours on end!"

[Jimothy]

[Strokes]

I'm going to start invoicing you for wasting my time @Izzy Muzzett

[Buce]

12 minutes ago, Strokes said:

I'm going to start invoicing you for wasting my time @Izzy Muzzett

 

This thread should come with a health warning.

[Izzy]

I started chatting to a girl at the bar, I said "You know what, I would love a quick shag in the toilets before my Mrs gets here. What do you say?" 

"Stick your fvcking glasses on, you twat!" replied my wife...

[Buce]

[Izzy]

7 minutes ago, Buce said:

O.K, point taken  

 

I'm going to ban myself from this thread for a week to gather even better jokes, before coming back again in spectacular fashion 

[The Bear]

A little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint. He runs up the Giraffe and says, "Hey, Giraffe. You really shouldn't do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!" The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff, shrugs his shoulders, tosses the joint over his shoulder, and runs off through the wood with the Little Rabbit.
 
After a while, the Giraffe and the Rabbit come across an Elephant about to do a line of Coke. The Rabbit says, "Oh, Elephant you really shouldn't do that. You should come running with us in the wood instead, it's much better for you." The Elephant looks at the Rabbit, looks at the line of Charlie, shrugs his shoulders, then runs off through the wood with the Giraffe and the Rabbit.
 
Shortly they come across a Bear about to shoot up heroin. The Rabbit runs up to him and says, "Hey, Bear, you shouldn't do that, think of your health. You'd be better of running in the woods with us." The Bear looks at the Rabbit, looks at the syringe, spoon and stuff, shrugs his shoulders, kicks the whole lot away and runs off with the Rabbit, the Giraffe and the Elephant.
 
After a while they come across a Tiger drinking his way through a six pack of beer. The Rabbit runs up to the Tiger and says, "Hey Tiger, you really shouldn't do that" and the Tiger immediately jumps up and starts kicking the shit out of him.
 
The Giraffe pulls the Tiger off and asks, "Why on earth did you do that?"
 
The Tiger replies, "That fvcking Rabbit pisses me right off. Every time he's high on Ecstacy he keeps asking me to run around the woods for hours on end!"

I started chatting to a girl at the bar, I said "You know what, I would love a quick shag in the toilets before my Mrs gets here. What do you say?" 

"Stick your fvcking glasses on, you twat!" replied my wife...

[Izzy]

1 minute ago, The Bear said:

 

You're a bit of a cheeky cvnt sometimes Bear, considering you're not even a Leicester fan!

 

Remember you're a guest in our house! 

[Buce]

5 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

O.K, point taken  

 

I'm going to ban myself from this thread for a week to gather even better jokes, before coming back again in spectacular fashion 

 

 

[The Bear]

You're a bit of a cheeky cvnt sometimes Bear, considering you're not even a Leicester fan!
 
Remember you're a guest in our house! [emoji14]

Suck my salty balls.

[fuchsntf]

27 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

O.K, point taken  

 

I'm going to ban myself from this thread for a week to gather even better jokes, before coming back again in spectacular fashion 

Dont you dare....you keep them coming as qiick and fast as you can.....@izzy muzzet fan club and groupy..

[Izzy]

21 minutes ago, fuchsntf said:

Dont you dare....you keep them coming as qiick and fast as you can.....@izzy muzzet fan club and groupy..

Ok, just one more for you fuchy me old mate...

 

There's a new film coming out soon about an HGV driver who customises his rig and cleans and polishes it all the time.

 

I haven't seen it yet, but the trailer looks amazing 

[Strokes]