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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Izzy

Izzy

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I was in my local butchers last week to buy some cuts of beef.

 

I asked for the ones on the top shelf, and the butcher asked me to wait until he got his ladder to reach them.

 

I said that I bet I could reach them without using a ladder.

 

He said that he'd bet me £20 that I couldn't. 

 

I said we should make it worthwhile and make the bet £50.

 

He then upped it to £100.

 

At that point I declined the bet as the steaks were too high.

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TiffToff88

TiffToff88

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6 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I was in my local butchers last week to buy some cuts of beef.

 

I asked for the ones on the top shelf, and the butcher asked me to wait until he got his ladder to reach them.

 

I said that I bet I could reach them without using a ladder.

 

He said that he'd bet me £20 that I couldn't. 

 

I said we should make it worthwhile and make the bet £50.

 

He then upped it to £100.

 

At that point I declined the bet as the steaks were too high.

I'll give you that one, it was rather a-moo-sing

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Izzy

Izzy

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A woman and a baby are in the doctor's examining room, waiting for him to come in.

 

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and commented that the baby wasn't gaining enough weight.

 

He then asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 


"Breast-fed" the woman replied. 


"Well strip down to your waist please" the doctor ordered. So she did. 


He pressed, kneaded, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.

 

Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk" 


"I know" she replied, "I'm his Grandma .... but I'm glad I came"

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Tuna

Tuna

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A teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
 
“All right, children, let's take an example,” she said.
 
“If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?”
 
A little boy raises his hand and, with a confident smile, says, “You'd be his wife.”
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Izzy

Izzy

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"Go and have a look at the size of the shit I’ve just done in the bathroom!” I said to my wife.

 

“No thanks,” she replied.

 

“Please, just one quick look,” I said, “You won’t believe it.”

 

She pinched her nose, ran in, looked down the toilet, then ran out and said, “There’s nothing down there, you must’ve flushed it.”

 

"No" I said, “It’s on the scales"

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justfoxes

justfoxes

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Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly
So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes !! ??

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Izzy

Izzy

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I was on a train this morning and on the bog, when a voice called out "Can I see your ticket please Sir?"


"Not just now." I replied, "I'm taking a shit."


"I don't believe you," Said the voice. "slide it under the door."


"No worries mate," I said. "The yellow bits are sweetcorn!"

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TiffToff88

TiffToff88

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12 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

"Go and have a look at the size of the shit I’ve just done in the bathroom!” I said to my wife.

 

“No thanks,” she replied.

 

“Please, just one quick look,” I said, “You won’t believe it.”

 

She pinched her nose, ran in, looked down the toilet, then ran out and said, “There’s nothing down there, you must’ve flushed it.”

 

"No" I said, “It’s on the scales"

 

21 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I was on a train this morning and on the bog, when a voice called out "Can I see your ticket please Sir?"


"Not just now." I replied, "I'm taking a shit."


"I don't believe you," Said the voice. "slide it under the door."


"No worries mate," I said. "The yellow bits are sweetcorn!"

Your jokes have literally turned to shit lately

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Buce

Buce

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35 minutes ago, TiffToff88 said:

 

Your jokes have literally turned to shit lately

 

30 minutes ago, Beliall said:

Lately?

This is the new "Izzy Muzzet tries to be funny thread"

 

That's harsh.

 

I think Izzy deserves an award for most improved comedian.

 

 

 

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