The joke thread

[Strokes]

18 minutes ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

Mick and Keef will be disappointed when they make their weekly visit later and find curry's off the menu.

It'll be goodbye Ruby Tuesday.

 

As for Paul McCartney, he over-reacted on being served a pile of lumpy mash. He chucked a toilet through the window, closely followed by the mash.

So, there was a loo seat in the sky with dire mounds.

Did you hear about Michael Jackson’s visit?

He ordered Eggs on toast.

The waitress replied, how would you like the eggs cooking for you Michael (I think she was a fan)?

Micheal said “Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it
Please do not make me repeat it.
I quite like them poached but definitely not fried.

Today I want scrambled but only egg whites.

Just beat it.

 

Sha’moan mutherfuker!

Edited 27 April 2020 by Strokes

[Wolfox]

Interviewer - What would you say is your greatest weakness? 

A -I'm very honest.
 

Interviewer - Surely, that's not a weakness?

A - I don't give a fvck what you think.

[Tinman]

I've been getting loads of messages from a guy in a 70's glam rock band. He keeps sending them all the time. Does anyone know a way, there's got to be a way to - Block Buster.

[Parafox]

On 28/04/2020 at 00:15, Alf Bentley said:

 

Mick and Keef will be disappointed when they make their weekly visit later and find curry's off the menu.

It'll be goodbye Ruby Tuesday.

 

As for Paul McCartney, he over-reacted on being served a pile of lumpy mash. He chucked a toilet through the window, closely followed by the mash.

So, there was a loo seat in the sky with dire mounds.

 

On 28/04/2020 at 00:15, Alf Bentley said:

 

Mick and Keef will be disappointed when they make their weekly visit later and find curry's off the menu.

It'll be goodbye Ruby Tuesday.

 

As for Paul McCartney, he over-reacted on being served a pile of lumpy mash. He chucked a toilet through the window, closely followed by the mash.

So, there was a loo seat in the sky with dire mounds.

[Red Squirrel]

I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending

 

I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine

 

Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant

 

I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn’t much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer … came second.

 

Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West

 

................................Some good jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe over the years

[tom27111]

4 minutes ago, Red Squirrel said:

I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending

 

I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine

 

Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant

 

I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn’t much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer … came second.

 

Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West

 

................................Some good jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe over the years

 

Are you Tim Vine? 

 

Please leave.

 

@Izzy you post what you damn well want in here 

[Red Squirrel]

Patient "Doctor, I can't feel my legs"      Doctor "Don't worry we've cut your arms off"

[Vince Vega]

Congratulations to Hugh Zappritti-Boyden, on his appointment as chairman of the British Budgerigar Association.

[Facecloth]

2 hours ago, Vince Vega said:

Congratulations to Hugh Zappritti-Boyden, on his appointment as chairman of the British Budgerigar Association.

Shouldn't be funny but 

[Domsdad]

If anyone’s thinking of splitting up with their misses make sure you pack her bags and book the taxi for 8 o’clock on a Thursday night then it looks like the whole street is glad to see the back of her

Edited 1 May 2020 by Domsdad
Missed a word

[Wortho]

I was struggling to get my wife's attention, so I simply sat down and looked comfortable....

 

That did the trick!!

[Wortho]

A 74 year old pastor has become the first person to die after taking Donald Trump's advice to use bleach as a Coronavirus cure. He was taken to hospital where he succumbed after his wife injected him with Domestos.

She has now been charged with causing a bleach of the priest.

[Mike Oxlong]

If you want to save money this Christmas, now is the perfect time to tell the kids that Santa didn't make it through the pandemic.

[lestajigs]

As of now met office has said only 5% chance of rain!!! ****ing morons

[Alf Bentley]

7 hours ago, Mike Oxlong said:

If you want to save money this Christmas, now is the perfect time to tell the kids that Santa didn't make it through the pandemic.

 

I heard that his business got shut down due to his staff breaching social distancing rules.

 

It was deemed to be an elf and safety issue.

[Tinman]

I told my mum i had made a bike out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face when I rode pasta

[Izzy]

I was pulling my boxers off in bed last night, when the wife said to me, “You don't half spoil those dogs.”

[Izzy]

[Facecloth]

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

 

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?

 

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.

"I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

 

She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."

 

"That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

 

"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

 

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

 

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

 

Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

 

"My guess is that she's still in the ditch."

[Bob666]

[Wortho]

If anyone wants to come and talk to me about my shoddy joinery work, my door is always open.

[Wortho]

I hope the pubs open soon, I need to cut down on my drinking

[Wortho]

Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

[Nick]

1 hour ago, Wortho said:

Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

Kill me.

[Parafox]

On 01/05/2020 at 12:57, Wortho said:

A 74 year old pastor has become the first person to die after taking Donald Trump's advice to use bleach as a Coronavirus cure. He was taken to hospital where he succumbed after his wife injected him with Domestos.

She has now been charged with causing a bleach of the priest.

Where have you been? wherever it was, please go back.