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James.

Amusing News Stories

By James., in General Chat

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  • 2 weeks later...
Webbo

Webbo

Posted
Posted

 

Quote

 

The government has decided that Viagra can now be sold over the counter to men with equipment that doesn’t work properly, or at the least needs coaxing into a semblance of activity. Hitherto, Viagra — proper chemical name mydixaphlopyn — was available only from internet sites at a truly priapic price. As soon as I turn on my laptop the ads queue up — how do they know? Or think they know, whatever. Some of these ads even have photographs of men looking downwards with jubilant expressions on their faces, or women looking as thrilled as if they’d just seen some Jimmy Choos reduced to £49.50. Maybe this will put paid to the ads. Although we’ll still have to present ourselves to the pharmacist, won’t we? “It’s for a friend, you see.”

I bought some Viagra once, a long time ago. I had tried, pathetically, to get a prescription from my GP — and, in all honesty, simply out of curiosity. I was at the surgery for a severe ear infection. The doctor shone a torch into one lug, then the other and prescribed antibiotics. As I was about to leave I said: “Oh, um, by the way. On the off-chance, while I’m here, ha ha, could you prescribe me some, uh, Viagra?”

He looked at me levelly and said: “No woman is going to have sex with a man whose ears are bleeding profusely, Mr Liddle. It’s not the sort of thing they do.” He then explained that Viagra was of use only if there was a physical, not a mental, reason for erectile dysfunction . How can I tell the difference, I asked?

“The traditional way is to put postage stamps around your member before going to bed. You will normally have involuntary erections during the night, without knowing it. If the strip of stamps is broken in the morning, you will know that the reason for your erectile dysfunction is mental, not physical, in which case Viagra would be of no use.”

I went to the Post Office and asked for 12 stamps. “First or second class?” the woman asked. “Ahh, first, definitely.” She gave me a booklet of stamps. I then had to explain that I would much prefer it if the stamps came in a strip. Looking askance, she got them for me. But I swear she knew I intended to put them around my old fella, not envelopes.

I stuck them on that very night. When I woke up the stamps were indeed separated. I joined my girlfriend for coffee in the kitchen. We made the usual breakfast small talk, and then she said: “I couldn’t help but notice, when I got up, that you had several postage stamps around your member. Were you thinking of sending it somewhere?”

I eventually bought some Viagra when I was on holiday, alone, in Malaysia. I got it from a medical facility where they had previously replaced the broken crown of my tooth with a roughly whittled-down tent peg. Two blue diamond-shaped tablets, 20 ringgit — about three quid. I took one back in my hotel bedroom, with a glass of awful wine.

Within half an hour, I could have pogoed across the strait of Malacca. I’ve never known anything like it. I was briefly thrilled — but after an hour or so the fascination kind of dissipated. I couldn’t go out looking like that. I tried to douse the ferment with lots of cold water — no effect whatsoever. I paced around my room thinking of stuff to make it subside — books by Will Hutton, an evening with Margaret Beckett. No use. In the end I took to my bed in exhaustion and fell into a deep and troubled sleep. Three hours later, a little groggy, I woke up, went to the bathroom and urinated over my left shoulder. When will it cease, I pleaded.

In most cases erectile dysfunction is a perfectly natural way of telling you that you don’t want to have sex. Or shouldn’t have sex. The problem is that we are always meant to want to have sex — pace John Updike, it has become a kind of religion, replacing what we previously had as a religion. And now we will be able to worship with far greater vigour. Onwards and — of course — upwards.

 

 

 

Rod Liddle in the Times lol  

https://www.thetimes.co.uk/edition/comment/i-took-one-of-the-little-blue-pills-and-immediately-felt-like-a-firstclass-plonker-j5s7zdg38

Mike Oxlong

Mike Oxlong

Posted
Posted

 

 
SPORT | 3 HOURS AGO

Norwegian footballer faces criticism after placing penis inside trophy

That's one way to celebrate
 
5
SHARES
  

Norwegian footballer faces criticism after placing penis inside trophy

The Norwegian FA is not exactly over the moon with the behaviour of Lillestrom defender Aleksander Melgalvis Andreassean.

Lillestrom claimed the Norwegian Cup for the first time in 10 years on Sunday by beating Sarpsborg 08 in a dramatic final.

And the occasion clearly got Andreassean's blood pumping because, when the team gathered to celebrate the trophy with their supporters, the 28-year-old decided to strip completely naked and place his genitals inside the trophy in a move which has understandably been condemned by Norway's FA.

"Winning the Cup is a big thing and obviously it should be celebrated. But it is very possible to do so in a manner that shows the cup a bit more respect," said communications director, Yngve Haavik, via the Telegraph.

 

GettyImages-884985512-1024x716.jpg

"I am sure it wasn’t intentional from Melgalvis but it came out the wrong way regardless. I think Melgalvis and Lillestrom agree with that"

Andreassean signed for Lillestrom from Strommen this year and he's now guaranteed that he'll never be forgotten by the club's supporters with his behaviour at the weekend.

After offering a half-hearted apology, Andreassean was asked what his grandmother would make of his celebration of choice and he seemed rather confident that it would have passed her by.

"I don’t think she’s seen it," the defender said. "Fortunately she doesn’t have the internet or social media."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 
  • 2 weeks later...
Buce

Buce

Posted
Posted
29 minutes ago, Alf Bentley said:

An aardvark is missing after a major fire broke out near the meerkat enclosure at London Zoo: https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2017/dec/23/more-than-70-firefighters-tackle-blaze-at-london-zoo

 

I reckon the aardvark got sick of that Sergei going on about comparethemarket.com, torched the meerkat enclosure and did a runner.

 

He sounds like a well aardvark.

Wymsey

Wymsey

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Alf Bentley said:

An aardvark is missing after a major fire broke out near the meerkat enclosure at London Zoo: https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2017/dec/23/more-than-70-firefighters-tackle-blaze-at-london-zoo

 

I reckon the aardvark got sick of that Sergei going on about comparethemarket.com, torched the meerkat enclosure and did a runner.

It's died; a few meerkats are apparently still unaccounted for.

Alf Bentley

Alf Bentley

Posted
Posted
3 minutes ago, Wymeswold fox said:

It's died; a few meerkats are apparently still unaccounted for.

 

Oh dear! He was only missing when I posted. Please don't think of me as the sort of bloke who takes the piss out of the death of an aardvark.

 

I still hope he took a few of those Russian comparethemarket.com meerkats with him, mind! :ph34r:

DJ Barry Hammond

DJ Barry Hammond

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Alf Bentley said:

An aardvark is missing after a major fire broke out near the meerkat enclosure at London Zoo: https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2017/dec/23/more-than-70-firefighters-tackle-blaze-at-london-zoo

 

I reckon the aardvark got sick of that Sergei going on about comparethemarket.com, torched the meerkat enclosure and did a runner.

 

Seems more likely that th aardvark went to the meerkat enclosure to complain about the loud noise, drug taking and prostitutes around the meerkat enclosure (money’s gone to their heads), a confrontation occurred and went a little too far.

 

Fearing for the liberty, the meerkats the tourched the place to break the evidence trail before going on the run.

 

Just call me Columbo :thumbup:

Jimothy

Jimothy

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

Oh dear! He was only missing when I posted. Please don't think of me as the sort of bloke who takes the piss out of the death of an aardvark.

 

I still hope he took a few of those Russian comparethemarket.com meerkats with him, mind! :ph34r:

They've only announced the death of the aardvark so far, but they are doing it in alphabetical order. :ph34r:

Alf Bentley

Alf Bentley

Posted
Posted
43 minutes ago, Facecloth said:

They've only announced the death of the aardvark so far, but they are doing it in alphabetical order. :ph34r:

 

I hope there's some news about the zebras by the time I'm back from the match.

Alf Bentley

Alf Bentley

Posted
Posted
1 minute ago, Rogstanley said:

Probably more sad than amusing, but a growing trend towards "self-marriage". Getting married to yourself. 

 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-42415394

 

 

A much more practical use of marriage here....

 

2 heterosexual Irishmen marry one another to avoid inheritance tax: https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/dec/23/two-heterosexual-irish-men-marry-to-avoid-inheritance-tax-on-house

Two (platonic) mates with a big age difference. 1 has become the live-in carer of the other. The older bloke needing care cannot afford to pay his mate but intends to leave his house to him in his will....

Fair dos!

 

Right, off for my free Santa hat and mince pie. I wonder if there's a match on afterwards?

 

Tuna

Tuna

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, Rogstanley said:

Probably more sad than amusing, but a growing trend towards "self-marriage". Getting married to yourself. 

 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-42415394

 

Laura Mesi spent £8,700 on her solo wedding, complete with white dress, wedding cake and 70 guests .

 

 

:huh:

Guest

Guest

Posted
Posted

Although the London Zoo story is sad, I did find amusement in the seriousness of the radio news presenter telling us that "one ardvark is dead and 4 meercats are missing, presumed dead" yesterday.

ajthefox

ajthefox

Posted
Posted
25 minutes ago, toddybad said:

Although the London Zoo story is sad, I did find amusement in the seriousness of the radio news presenter telling us that "one ardvark is dead and 4 meercats are missing, presumed dead" yesterday.

Myself and my sister both couldn't help but laugh today. I'm sure they read out the name of one and it was Clive or something equally absurd. 

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