Depression

[Espimas_7]

4 minutes ago, stripeyfox said:

Good to post mate. I can't comment on your marriage - only you know how it really is, but I few things you said hit home with me.

 

I was married for 17 years until last year. We had our good times and bad like everyone but then one day pretty much out of the blue she told me she didn't want to be married anymore. Although it was a shock, I realised almost immediately that she'd made her mind up and it was no use trying to change it.

 

We seperated - what is different about my situation to yours (based on what you've said) is that she immediatley became involved in a relationship with someone else. In the last 16 months we have sold the house, they have moved in together and last week got engaged! Which is a lot to process, and I can't tell you how much it hurts but if I look at it totally objectivally - seperating was the correct decision. We weren't really happy, we were just existing and I would have carried on like that for the next god knows how many years. So much as I didn't want this to happen, part of me actually admires her for having the balls to stand up and say "this isn't working".

 

The other person just muddies the waters for me. Her new partner is the focus of my bitterness but really, if you told me you could wave a magic wand and send me back a couple of years, I would 100% say "no way".

 

I don't know if this helps in any way, but just wanted you to know I've read what you put and wanted to respond to it.

 

It may well be that you both end up being happier in the long run. You mention lonliness and I'll admit that there are plenty of times when I do miss being married but it can be just as lonely being in a relationship which has run it's course - which is exactly what does happen in many cases. 

 

 

Thank you mate. It really does help reading this, just hearing from someone who has gone through similar. Your quote I pasted below really rings true for me. We had become more like co-habiting friends, kind of muddling through. I love her to bits, but the years, the memories (good and bad) become so hard to look at objectively. Part of me feels a failure for letting it get to this point, but I know that isn't true, it's sadly part of life and relationships. You look for moments along the way, to try and figure out "how did I get here?", but there is no simple answer. If I hadn't have had that mini argument the night before going away, then "what if". But it was always coming. I've had to take down the photos on our walls. Hellish looking at them. But in a lot of ways I feel hopeful too

 

"We weren't really happy, we were just existing and I would have carried on like that for the next god knows how many years. So much as I didn't want this to happen, part of me actually admires her for having the balls to stand up and say "this isn't working"."

 

I'm sorry to hear about the engagement you mentioned - I cant imagine how it feels, but it's really good you have the awareness to know that you wouldnt go back, and sounds like you've come some good way in dealing with things over the last year

 

 

[stripeyfox]

1 minute ago, Espimas_7 said:

Thank you mate. It really does help reading this, just hearing from someone who has gone through similar. Your quote I pasted below really rings true for me. We had become more like co-habiting friends, kind of muddling through. I love her to bits, but the years, the memories (good and bad) become so hard to look at objectively. Part of me feels a failure for letting it get to this point, but I know that isn't true, it's sadly part of life and relationships. You look for moments along the way, to try and figure out "how did I get here?", but there is no simple answer. If I hadn't have had that mini argument the night before going away, then "what if". But it was always coming. I've had to take down the photos on our walls. Hellish looking at them. But in a lot of ways I feel hopeful too

 

"We weren't really happy, we were just existing and I would have carried on like that for the next god knows how many years. So much as I didn't want this to happen, part of me actually admires her for having the balls to stand up and say "this isn't working"."

 

I'm sorry to hear about the engagement you mentioned - I cant imagine how it feels, but it's really good you have the awareness to know that you wouldnt go back, and sounds like you've come some good way in dealing with things over the last year

 

 

With my own situation, it has been like trying to come to terms with two different things.

On the one hand, like I said, I can see that we weren't happy and that the decision to seperate was a sound one. It has been a hell of a year for lots of reasons but I'm settled in my new place and we share custody of the kids. The divorce is going through and although there have been disagreements (mainly about money) we're in a good place. We communicate about the kids and try to keep civil. Conflict is not good for anyone, especially where children are involved. 

 

I went on a few dates in the last months or so and concluded that I'm just not yet ready to get involved with anyone. So that fact she effectively ended our marriage and then immediately plunged into a relationship with someone else is quite a stark contrast. I guess it shouldn't be relevant that the her new partner is a woman, but that's a whole other disucssion! They got engaged last week - I found out via friends and my son found out via instagram post which pissed me off but it is her life now and it has nothing to do with me.

 

Re - your situation, which is the key thing here. I don't know if you can patch it up (would be great if you could) but even if not, it is probably a lot healthier for you both to seperate. I'm quite a pragmatic guy and there are literally loads of people out there who have been divorced and moved on to new lives. It seems raw now and to quote somone from here who helped me a lot and is an absolute legend @Izzy "you're in the eye of the storm right now and it's hard to see straight". Things seem bad right now, and I really hope you can work things out, but if you cannot, and if your relationship does end - it isn't the end of the world (even though it might feel like it is).

 

You both deserve more than being "co-habiting friends" as you put it (and that is exacltly how we were to be honest). It is more brave to make the break than to carry on in a relationship that isn't working

 

[doverfox]

I had a positive reaction from the doctor who agreed to put me back on the meds the physiatrist perscribed. So if you have needed assistance in the past and feeling yourself being dragged back in mentally then give the gp a call 

[ClaphamFox]

On 07/11/2021 at 19:34, stripeyfox said:

With my own situation, it has been like trying to come to terms with two different things.

On the one hand, like I said, I can see that we weren't happy and that the decision to seperate was a sound one. It has been a hell of a year for lots of reasons but I'm settled in my new place and we share custody of the kids. The divorce is going through and although there have been disagreements (mainly about money) we're in a good place. We communicate about the kids and try to keep civil. Conflict is not good for anyone, especially where children are involved. 

 

I went on a few dates in the last months or so and concluded that I'm just not yet ready to get involved with anyone. So that fact she effectively ended our marriage and then immediately plunged into a relationship with someone else is quite a stark contrast. I guess it shouldn't be relevant that the her new partner is a woman, but that's a whole other disucssion! They got engaged last week - I found out via friends and my son found out via instagram post which pissed me off but it is her life now and it has nothing to do with me.

 

Re - your situation, which is the key thing here. I don't know if you can patch it up (would be great if you could) but even if not, it is probably a lot healthier for you both to seperate. I'm quite a pragmatic guy and there are literally loads of people out there who have been divorced and moved on to new lives. It seems raw now and to quote somone from here who helped me a lot and is an absolute legend @Izzy "you're in the eye of the storm right now and it's hard to see straight". Things seem bad right now, and I really hope you can work things out, but if you cannot, and if your relationship does end - it isn't the end of the world (even though it might feel like it is).

 

You both deserve more than being "co-habiting friends" as you put it (and that is exacltly how we were to be honest). It is more brave to make the break than to carry on in a relationship that isn't working

 

Obviously I don't know your situation well and apologies if I'm overstepping the mark, but if your ex ended your relationship suddenly and quickly started a relationship with another woman, then it sounds like she had come to understand something important about herself and acted on it. Not your fault at all, and there's probably nothing you could have done to prevent it. I hope that when you're ready to begin dating again, you meet somebody who is right for you. You'll be happier in the long run.

[FoxyPV]

5 hours ago, pmcla26 said:

.

It's worth saying, mate, even if you don't think so.

 

I forgot to take my meds for a few days there and wondered why I was all over the place

 

The Ms was not best pleased

 

[adejo92]

On 07/11/2021 at 19:19, Espimas_7 said:

Thank you mate. It really does help reading this, just hearing from someone who has gone through similar. Your quote I pasted below really rings true for me. We had become more like co-habiting friends, kind of muddling through. I love her to bits, but the years, the memories (good and bad) become so hard to look at objectively. Part of me feels a failure for letting it get to this point, but I know that isn't true, it's sadly part of life and relationships. You look for moments along the way, to try and figure out "how did I get here?", but there is no simple answer. If I hadn't have had that mini argument the night before going away, then "what if". But it was always coming. I've had to take down the photos on our walls. Hellish looking at them. But in a lot of ways I feel hopeful too

 

"We weren't really happy, we were just existing and I would have carried on like that for the next god knows how many years. So much as I didn't want this to happen, part of me actually admires her for having the balls to stand up and say "this isn't working"."

 

I'm sorry to hear about the engagement you mentioned - I cant imagine how it feels, but it's really good you have the awareness to know that you wouldnt go back, and sounds like you've come some good way in dealing with things over the last year

 

 

Hey,

 

Read the few messages you have posted on here and just wanted to say keep your chin up. The good times you and your Ex Partner had will always remain, and it's part of the path your life has taken and it's helped mold you into the person you are.

 

Everything happens for a reason, whilst it might seem that there is no reason, there will be.

 

Value yourself, enjoy life, and look foward to whats to come in the future. You seem to be handling the situation brilliantly and you'll make some one very happy in the future.

[stripeyfox]

On 09/11/2021 at 09:46, ClaphamFox said:

Obviously I don't know your situation well and apologies if I'm overstepping the mark, but if your ex ended your relationship suddenly and quickly started a relationship with another woman, then it sounds like she had come to understand something important about herself and acted on it. Not your fault at all, and there's probably nothing you could have done to prevent it. I hope that when you're ready to begin dating again, you meet somebody who is right for you. You'll be happier in the long run.

Thanks mate, and no need to apologise at all.

 

 

[HighPeakFox]

3 hours ago, pmcla26 said:

Thanks mate, just needed to vent. It helped me writing it at the time even if I've deleted it now, just no point really discussing it much further because things are just gonna stay the same. Just need to work through it. 

 

Hope you remembered and are feeling a bit better  I've weaned myself off of mine as they give me headaches and I'm always missing days haha 

Just wanted to say something supportive to you... I think I read that you're 19, and I think it's never been harder to be young than it is now. 

 

I hope this doesn't come over as patronising to you... I was an absolute mess at 19 (which, oddly enough, helped form me now I'm 51) so I want to encourage you to adopt the Michael Caine mantra on life, which is however bad a situation is, try to use the difficulty of it - something can always be learnt in the long run, however awful it is in the moment. It's really helped me lately, it helps me wallow less and bounce back faster. 

[Espimas_7]

23 hours ago, adejo92 said:

Hey,

 

Read the few messages you have posted on here and just wanted to say keep your chin up. The good times you and your Ex Partner had will always remain, and it's part of the path your life has taken and it's helped mold you into the person you are.

 

Everything happens for a reason, whilst it might seem that there is no reason, there will be.

 

Value yourself, enjoy life, and look foward to whats to come in the future. You seem to be handling the situation brilliantly and you'll make some one very happy in the future.

Thank you mate. Very much one day at a time right now and evenings are especially hard/emotional. The words honestly do mean a lot, just an extra bit of support to hang in there. Life is weird and hard at times. At least FM 22 is out haha in the meantime

[ajthefox]

The best decision long term is often the hardest and most painful one short term.

 

Sending positive vibes to you @pmcla26 @Espimas_7@stripeyfox gents.

 

Loneliness is an absolute bastard that we don't really talk about enough. And as has been said already, sometimes you can feel more lonely when you're with people than you do on your own. It is not something to be ashamed of.

Loneliness was a huge reason for my struggles, mostly because I didn't talk about it and it then got bigger and bigger in my head. Don't let that be you.

[doverfox]

A week in on the Duloxetine and Aripiprazole and feel more stable and a little happier in myself i often found that starting a new drug could have a placebo effect and ashort term lift as indeed i found making any step towards treatment. To all fellow suffers please keep up the fight and if you need someone to talk to call the Samaritans, i have a couple of times and sometimes just offloading your thoughts can help.  A problem shared is a problem halved and all that.

[Steve_Guppy_Left_Foot]

Since I've tried different drugs over the years when I've felt a mental break coming I have, over time, learnt that if you can get yourself in to a positive routine when you're on that initial bounce, have a shower, brush your teeth, do some washing, go for a walk. Then that stands you in great stead when (hopefully if) you fall down again. The first time I remember drugs having a positive effect on me I was so shocked and bewildered that I didn't feel like dying anymore I couldn't really take it in or take positive steps towards a routine that helps create a healthy mind. 

[Wymsey]

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-england-leeds-59267245

[spacemunky]

2 hours ago, pmcla26 said:

I hate the mornings. Waking up with just your thoughts and nothing else begins to take it's toll.

I can relate to that, this morning.

[spacemunky]

1 hour ago, pmcla26 said:

Hope it hasn't ruined the rest of your day mate? 

 

I seem to wake up with bad thoughts every day at the minute, but I find that getting up and trying to carry on with the day as normal helps. I'm hoping it's just a phase that passes and if I just carry on doing my thing they'll just disappear eventually. I have been having a lot of bad dreams recently and I've always struggled with my sleep, so waking up feeling shit isn't new to me, but it's been the worst it's ever been lately. Makes me anxious trying to get off to sleep not knowing what my minds going to tell me in the morning. 

Was a dream I had that triggered some past thoughts.

 

I'm okay though, thanks.

 

Best wishes to you.

[Jattdogg]

Been off work for a month due to stress and anxiety. Started some meds and **** sakes they were giving me headaches. Anyhow, I have stopped taking them and am feeling better. Just think the stress took it's toll and I just couldn't handle it anymore.  The first time I have ever felt so defeated.  Felt like I let people down but just needed to look after myself.

 

Do feel refreshed and will be returning this week on part time hours for the first week. I am sure it will be busy/stressful but not afraid to admit when down and will be sure to look out for myself.

 

Hope you all smile today.

 

 

 

 

[spacemunky]

1 minute ago, Jattdogg said:

Been off work for a month due to stress and anxiety. Started some meds and **** sakes they were giving me headaches. Anyhow, I have stopped taking them and am feeling better. Just think the stress took it's toll and I just couldn't handle it anymore.  The first time I have ever felt so defeated.  Felt like I let people down but just needed to look after myself.

 

Do feel refreshed and will be returning this week on part time hours for the first week. I am sure it will be busy/stressful but not afraid to admit when down and will be sure to look out for myself.

 

Hope you all smile today.

 

 

 

 

Good luck on your return Jatt.

[Jattdogg]

1 minute ago, spacemunky said:

Good luck on your return Jatt.

Hope you feel good (even though we got snow covered roofs last night).

[doverfox]

1 hour ago, Jattdogg said:

Been off work for a month due to stress and anxiety. Started some meds and **** sakes they were giving me headaches. Anyhow, I have stopped taking them and am feeling better. Just think the stress took it's toll and I just couldn't handle it anymore.  The first time I have ever felt so defeated.  Felt like I let people down but just needed to look after myself.

 

Do feel refreshed and will be returning this week on part time hours for the first week. I am sure it will be busy/stressful but not afraid to admit when down and will be sure to look out for myself.

 

Hope you all smile today.

 

 

 

 

Good luck with the return to work if it gets too much just go get a cuppa tea and collect your thoughts and try again. I find i need the structure of work i always have and could almost always put on the Dave is normal show to customers and colleagues, i wasnt i was far from it, but the show must go on. WELL IT DOESNT HAVE TOO, IF ITS A CHIOCE BETWEEN YOU AND THE SHOW, PLEASE CHOOSE YOU. 

[SeCrEt FoX]

I always go to post on here then don't. But am gonna! 

Sorry if its long but here it goes! 

 

I have been (and still have bouts) of depression. About 20 years ago I lost my best friend then exactly 4 weeks later to the day we lost a young family member to suicide. My life was a complete mess. I would describe my old self as a pretty confident and a laugh and always be there for people, class clown etc but that all died with them. I was so depressed I contemplated doing things and ended up seeing my GP (the good old days when you had a proper old school doctor who knew your family if that makes sense and they knew the people I lost) I was put on meds (can't remember the name) and they was placebos which really pissed me off because I felt cheated. Then I was put on some proper meds and things started to get a little bit better but I turned into a miserable git and was just not interested with any thing or anyone. I started a family a few years later and felt my life was back on track, I basically had something to keep my mind occupied. My son meant everything to me. I'd get home from work and just play with him and be happy, it was great and it was time to come off the meds. 

I saw my GP and he wasn't sure it was time and I basically said I didn't want to be on these tablets anymore, I want to have complete control of my life so I came off them. Things were looking good and I started to feel happy again. Then after a few years passed lost my Mum. That hurt. Really bad and I spiralled out of control again, this time worse than before. It affected everything and everyone in my life. I just could stand the thought that she was gone and never going to see her again and I ended up back on them pills. This time I was put on a higher dose. Weeks went and i wasn't getting any better so they upped the dosage and this kept happening until the doctor said this was the limit. It helped for a little bit but I didn't feel myself. I was drowning out all my troubles and I was like a zombie. My anxiety levels were through the roof and any little thing (even jokes) I took offence. I was afraid I'd never get better. Then my nan died a year later. I was still an absolute mess. I lost 2 jobs through it and one of my bosses "didn't believe in depression" so basically had no sympathy from him. It wasn't what I was after but I thought they would understand and help me. 

So I was in a bad place, hated my job and all the people I once loved and cherished I pushed away. I just was not the same person. It went on for a few years then I realised how much my wife had helped me and stood by me through every single thing I had been through, my kids who I love so much sort of lost their dad and a stranger had took his place. I took so much out of the people that did care about me. Was I selfish? Yes I was and it don't matter how many times I went to the doctors to get pills just to drown everything out you will never be yourself, it was a vicious circle I needed to get out of. So I wanted my life back, and their is only one person who can do that.... Me! So I asked my GP to come off of them and he refused so like a tw@ (please do not do this as it is very dangerous) i cold turkied from my meds which was a stupid idea. I was ill for about 4/5 months but I was so determined to turn my life around. 4 years on I'm drug free and in a better place. I still have my days and suffer with anxiety but I'm glad I did it.

My problem was I didn't speak to anyone at all and bottled it up. I never sat with someone (apart from a GP) and let it all out. Like I said, the only person who can change your life and mindset is yourself. You control you. Noone else! You will have bad days but you have to just get on with it. I'm weak minded but I soldiered on. If I can you can trust me. Do things to keep you occupied. Listen to podcasts or watch comedies or documentaries, pick a book up or a playstation controller, go for a walk, see friends or family you haven't seen for a while get into a club of some sort whether it's  five a side footy or a fuching knitting club! Just do something. And SMILE! As much as my world crumbled the world around me never stopped. Get back on it! Life waits for noone so don't wait for it to get better, only you can change it. Chins up people! 

[urban.spaceman]

Intrusive thoughts are back. Deeply unpleasant at times. Can tell it’s going to be a tough couple of weeks

[MPH]

3 minutes ago, urban.spaceman said:

Intrusive thoughts are back. Deeply unpleasant at times. Can tell it’s going to be a tough couple of weeks

Hang in there, chap! You can get through this!. It maybe a dark tunnel  but tunnels have ends!

[MPH]

On 15/11/2021 at 14:42, SeCrEt FoX said:

 

I saw my GP and he wasn't sure it was time and I basically said  Get back on it! Life waits for noone so don't wait for it to get better, only you can change it. Chins up people! 

have you been looking at my Facebook profile?

 

 

seriously though, thank you so much for posting what you did - very brave of you and I truly hope it inspires others!

Edited 17 November 2021 by MPH

[Izzy]

27 minutes ago, urban.spaceman said:

Intrusive thoughts are back. Deeply unpleasant at times. Can tell it’s going to be a tough couple of weeks

Not necessarily mate - you just think it will be.

 

You know that our thoughts are not our reality - they're just thoughts (and our thoughts aren't always to be trusted!)

 

I still get deeply unpleasant thoughts on occasion, but I've learnt over the years not to believe them to be true any more. I refuse to disappear down that rabbit hole of "What if...?" thinking and I'll shine a light on my more positive thoughts instead.

 

When you get an intrusive thought try and change your state. Change your environment, pick up a book, change your focus, think about something good in your life, get grateful. 

 

As the saying goes "You will never be free until you free yourself from the prison of your own false thoughts"

[Parafox]

2 minutes ago, Izzy said:

Not necessarily mate - you just think it will be.

 

You know that our thoughts are not our reality - they're just thoughts (and our thoughts aren't always to be trusted!)

 

I still get deeply unpleasant thoughts on occasion, but I've learnt over the years not to believe them to be true any more. I refuse to disappear down that rabbit hole of "What if...?" thinking and I'll shine a light on my more positive thoughts instead.

 

When you get an intrusive thought try and change your state. Change your environment, pick up a book, change your focus, think about something good in your life, get grateful. 

 

As the saying goes "You will never be free until you free yourself from the prison of your own false thoughts"

And that's what so difficult to achieve. I wake up often with feelings of fear and anxiety, mainly brought about by our relationship with our daughter and her psychological and emotional attacks on us which can go on for days via social media. I know these are false thoughts in the context of them being false because they haven't happened at the time of worrying about them. I really struggle to detach myself from the "now" and "what might happen". I'm already dreading Christmas as previous ones have gone horribly and sometimes, violently wrong and that's what affects my anticipation of the event. I think it's human nature to base the future on the events of the past and that's what, for me anyway, results in chronic anxiety.