Depression

[Daggers]

In crisis in Leicester?
 

1. Talk to the crisis team: 0808 800 3302.

 

There’s no shame in asking for help, it’s what they are there for: “Offering round-the-clock access to urgent support, signposting and referral for yourself or on behalf of someone else.”
 

2. If your GP is unsympathetic, see another GP. They can review your current medications, offer a tweak and sign you up for support/make referral to the MH psychologists.

 

3. Make an effort to refuel sensibly. Alcohol is not your friend no matter how many years of self medicating you have relied on. Illicit drugs are no solution either and will exacerbate the problem…but we all know this already, eh? I really struggled with this one.

—

Waffle worth skipping:

 

Ultimately, there are no magic wands, someone isn’t going to make your problems vanish but they can offer help while you work on yourself - and there is no long term solution that doesn’t involve you working on yourself. Open yourself to the idea that you have to embrace all forms of support. Some techniques will work, some won’t, just keep moving forward and building a bank of coping strategies that you find work best for you.

 

It’s about building resilience.

 

It’s not about what you don’t have or what you’ve lost. You have no power there, you can’t change that.
 

You can change what you have in the future and work towards those goals. Me? I was consumed by what my rapists stole from me, the life and opportunities I could have had and the pension I can’t look forward to. The relationships it poisoned. I had to learn to box up the anger and loss so that I could focus on what I actually had and what I could make from me - what I could enjoy in life.

 

You will have shit days, weeks and months again in the future - but after those will come happier times again. Gradually, the lows are less bleak and less frequent. It’s taken me around a decade. It was worth it. It was fvcking hard work.

[filthyfox]

On 28/12/2022 at 00:07, filthyfox said:

 

"The waffle" needs reading. Xx

[Daggers]

 

Going to add that I lost most of my friends in the process of recovery. They were scared by me when I was catatonic and my behaviour when I wasn't - and that is fine. I understand now. I've a couple of people who stood through the storm. Losing friends isn't the big deal I thought it was at the time because I suspect I was hoping that they - anybody - would fix me for me and make the bad stuff go away. They couldn't ever live up to that expectation, no one can. This situation is about you and what you can do.

 

Giving agency back to yourself means accepting that you only get to control what you do, you have to get to a stage where you can let everything else slide. You can't change the bad news on television, you are able to change other people's attitudes and opinions as much as you can the weather.

 

You can choose to eat more fruit and fewer chips. You can choose to go for a walk instead of having another drink. Small steps lead to greater strides. Every step you take is part of the recovery journey and that choices you make are incremental. One apple today becomes a healthier diet down the line. A short walk outside can become dramatic weight loss and a marathon run in years to come. 

 

It's liberating when you realise that you do have the power to make yourself happy. My wife struggled with this bit tbh as she had to shift from carer to partner, and she didn't like letting go. Partially the role now defined her, partially she feared what would happen if she wasn't running my life for me and I relapsed. It extended my recovery period as it introduced conflict and negative energy. We got there. Just. It really wasn't a basket of puppies and chocolates for her - but then can you imagine the carnage that would ensue from putting chocolates into a basket of puppies?

 

I spent so much time wanting what I had to be perfect when what it turns out I needed was just to let all of that stuff pass into history and move on. I managed to let go of all of the things I can't control and move forward through coping strategies and goal setting. I had to understand the role conversations and actions had in the past that entrenched how I thought the world should work and why it wasn't. This is me and you are you though. We will work differently, and our outcomes and journeys will not be the same.

 

I'm not offering solutions, just hope that one day you'll feel better about yourself and your place in the world.

 

Meditation didn't work for me, a motorbike ride did, but it may work for you. Visualisation struck me as being daft, but it might strike the right chord in your life. Medication failed me so badly, it didn't "fix" me - it got in the way of my recovery, but it seems to work for most. I hated talking therapies, I reckoned they were the most hopeless exercise...but later came to appreciate some of the conversations as I could see their validity. I now understand how my mindset then wasn't open to accepting that I could be more than a victim of circumstances. I refuse to be a victim anymore – I’m not a rape victim or a manic depressive, I’m a strong person who has experienced rape and mental health issues.

 

I still live with the echoes of bi-polar, anxiety and a personality disorder. But they are just that: echoes, a shadow of their former selves.

 

Open yourself up to having a go at everything you are offered and (importantly) stick with them for a good while no matter how much you don't think they are not working or how difficult you find it.

 

This can be your year - I really hope it is.

 

Keep banging down doors asking for support. NHS funding is abysmal for MH and continues to get worse. Getting help can come down to luck. The luck of talking to the right GP, getting the right medication is the right dosage, finding the right coping strategies - but you can make that luck by continuing to push for support. Never give up your fight because you deserve to be happier.

[HighPeakFox]

Just to add... The human condition means that we have good days, bad days and average days. Overall improvement doesn't alter that - it's just that the lowest ebb is no longer as low as it once was because the bar has been raised. 

 

However, it still feels as low because the distance between the lows and the highs remains about the same. So we have to try and remember the Kipling line about triumph and disaster both being impostors, if we can. 

 

In case anyone hadn't already worked it out, I am aiming this at myself as much as anyone reading it. I'm hoping writing this down is an indicator of coming out of a dip. 

[Fosse93]

I need to write this down somewhere.

 

My boss is in a relationship with my Auntie, has been for 20+ years, they have 2 kids, nice house, 3 holidays a year, good jobs etc.

 

I've found out over the Christmas period (after someone in the family had one too many drinks) that he's been disguising various trips to Romania as 'work' - when the truth is he's been having an affair with a Romanian woman, not only that but they're engaged and the worst of all.... she's pregnant!!

 

Sounds like a Hollyoaks script but it's all true and proven beyond doubt - there's pictures of the woman in question, her engagement ring, her baby bump etc.

 

Rightly or wrongly, I kept hold of the information over the festive period as I didn't want to ruin my Auntie and her kids (my cousins) Christmas. Knowing this weighed on me immensely though so I eventually told my dad about it just before new year - he's since told my mum (my aunties sister) and she is going to tell her in a couple of days when they're planned to meet up with each other anyway.

 

She needs to know the truth so it's 100% the right thing to do. It's disgusting what he's done and I hate him for it.

 

Here is where I sound like a selfish ****... my career is finally settling down a bit and I feel I'm really making progress in my current job - obviously though, with this guy as my boss it's going to make things rather awkward. 

 

The loyal part of me is saying to immediately find another job and get my notice in ASAP, I honestly think I'll struggle to be in the same office as him, taking instructions off him and all that comes with a boss / worker relationship.

 

And then my head is telling me to stay put and not potentially sabotage my career all because of someone else's actions.

 

Work has always been a massive mood influencer for me, its had me spiral into depression before and suffer crippling anxiety. I've posted about work related anxiety / depression in this thread before and the replies I got from posters (you know who you are) really changed my outlook on the situation for the better.

 

I don't know what the lesser of 2 evils is here, stay or go?

Edited 2 January 2023 by Fosse93

[Parafox]

3 hours ago, Fosse93 said:

I need to write this down somewhere.

 

My boss is in a relationship with my Auntie, has been for 20+ years, they have 2 kids, nice house, 3 holidays a year, good jobs etc.

 

I've found out over the Christmas period (after someone in the family had one too many drinks) that he's been disguising various trips to Romania as 'work' - when the truth is he's been having an affair with a Romanian woman, not only that but they're engaged and the worst of all.... she's pregnant!!

 

Sounds like a Hollyoaks script but it's all true and proven beyond doubt - there's pictures of the woman in question, her engagement ring, her baby bump etc.

 

Rightly or wrongly, I kept hold of the information over the festive period as I didn't want to ruin my Auntie and her kids (my cousins) Christmas. Knowing this weighed on me immensely though so I eventually told my dad about it just before new year - he's since told my mum (my aunties sister) and she is going to tell her in a couple of days when they're planned to meet up with each other anyway.

 

She needs to know the truth so it's 100% the right thing to do. It's disgusting what he's done and I hate him for it.

 

Here is where I sound like a selfish ****... my career is finally settling down a bit and I feel I'm really making progress in my current job - obviously though, with this guy as my boss it's going to make things rather awkward. 

 

The loyal part of me is saying to immediately find another job and get my notice in ASAP, I honestly think I'll struggle to be in the same office as him, taking instructions off him and all that comes with a boss / worker relationship.

 

And then my head is telling me to stay put and not potentially sabotage my career all because of someone else's actions.

 

Work has always been a massive mood influencer for me, its had me spiral into depression before and suffer crippling anxiety. I've posted about work related anxiety / depression in this thread before and the replies I got from posters (you know who you are) really changed my outlook on the situation for the better.

 

I don't know what the lesser of 2 evils is here, stay or go?

I think it's difficult for any of us to give advice to you as we (I assume a collective "we" here) don't know you personally. Clearly it's a very difficult situation for you but, IMO the only one who can make the best decision for you, is you. Only you know the in's and out's of your relationship with your boss and your Aunt. How will it affect her? How will it affect the wider family when the news comes out? Clearly your boss is going to work out who exposed the facts and it's probably right that you have told your dad etc.

The cat is out of the bag now, but how would it have affected you if you had ignored the relationship and just let it take it's course? Your aunt would certainly have found out. Maybe it might have been less pressure on you but living with the knowledge of what is going on is very difficult and I understand your anxiety about it all and the need to "unburden" yourself. 

The risk in doing that is the risk to your job. Could your boss find reason to sack you or prevent your progression in the company? Or might he feel you have something on him that makes you indispensable? How badly would you feel if you were to leave the job you've settled into and making progress in?

Sadly you're in a real conundrum. I don't have an answer. None of us on here can tell you what you should do but we understand the need to ask.

Sometimes just asking and putting it out there can help focus your feelings.

 

[Fosse93]

1 hour ago, Parafox said:

I think it's difficult for any of us to give advice to you as we (I assume a collective "we" here) don't know you personally. Clearly it's a very difficult situation for you but, IMO the only one who can make the best decision for you, is you. Only you know the in's and out's of your relationship with your boss and your Aunt. How will it affect her? How will it affect the wider family when the news comes out? Clearly your boss is going to work out who exposed the facts and it's probably right that you have told your dad etc.

The cat is out of the bag now, but how would it have affected you if you had ignored the relationship and just let it take it's course? Your aunt would certainly have found out. Maybe it might have been less pressure on you but living with the knowledge of what is going on is very difficult and I understand your anxiety about it all and the need to "unburden" yourself. 

The risk in doing that is the risk to your job. Could your boss find reason to sack you or prevent your progression in the company? Or might he feel you have something on him that makes you indispensable? How badly would you feel if you were to leave the job you've settled into and making progress in?

Sadly you're in a real conundrum. I don't have an answer. None of us on here can tell you what you should do but we understand the need to ask.

Sometimes just asking and putting it out there can help focus your feelings.

 

Thanks for this Parafox, really appreciate it.

 

To be honest, I wasn't expecting anyone to have the answer for me - just typing it all out and having acknowledgment has more than helped to be honest.

 

What he's done will tear the family apart, I don't think he would push for me to be sacked or anything (even though redundancies are going to be happening soon) as its quite a niche part of the business I work in, which coincidentally is now more important than ever.

 

You're right though that it could stifle future progression, potentially. Something I didn't really think about.

 

I think I'm going to look for a job elsewhere, I don't really want to be associated with him going forward.

 

Thanks once again, helped settle my thoughts and anxieties about the whole situation.

[orangecity23]

With regards to your job, maybe the best thing to do is to wait and see a little to see what happens next - you don't have to make your mind up straight away. You could take alook at vacancies to see what is out there, but no need to rush into binning your current job - just keep your options open. You can quit anytime you want to, doesn't have to be right now. It's entirely possible that your boss might be the one who quits, especially since he's constructed himself a second life in Romania, when it all hits the fan he might just do a runner, then you'd be kicking yourself for quitting a job you liked to avoid someone who isn't there any more.

[Leeds Fox]

9 hours ago, Fosse93 said:

I need to write this down somewhere.

 

My boss is in a relationship with my Auntie, has been for 20+ years, they have 2 kids, nice house, 3 holidays a year, good jobs etc.

 

I've found out over the Christmas period (after someone in the family had one too many drinks) that he's been disguising various trips to Romania as 'work' - when the truth is he's been having an affair with a Romanian woman, not only that but they're engaged and the worst of all.... she's pregnant!!

 

Sounds like a Hollyoaks script but it's all true and proven beyond doubt - there's pictures of the woman in question, her engagement ring, her baby bump etc.

 

Rightly or wrongly, I kept hold of the information over the festive period as I didn't want to ruin my Auntie and her kids (my cousins) Christmas. Knowing this weighed on me immensely though so I eventually told my dad about it just before new year - he's since told my mum (my aunties sister) and she is going to tell her in a couple of days when they're planned to meet up with each other anyway.

 

She needs to know the truth so it's 100% the right thing to do. It's disgusting what he's done and I hate him for it.

 

Here is where I sound like a selfish ****... my career is finally settling down a bit and I feel I'm really making progress in my current job - obviously though, with this guy as my boss it's going to make things rather awkward. 

 

The loyal part of me is saying to immediately find another job and get my notice in ASAP, I honestly think I'll struggle to be in the same office as him, taking instructions off him and all that comes with a boss / worker relationship.

 

And then my head is telling me to stay put and not potentially sabotage my career all because of someone else's actions.

 

Work has always been a massive mood influencer for me, its had me spiral into depression before and suffer crippling anxiety. I've posted about work related anxiety / depression in this thread before and the replies I got from posters (you know who you are) really changed my outlook on the situation for the better.

 

I don't know what the lesser of 2 evils is here, stay or go?

That really is a tough one, not an enviable position at all.

 

Again, this is all down to personal circumstance, relationship with your family etc. 

 

Remember though, you haven’t put yourself in this position, your boss has.

 

If you had the moral courage to tell your family about this, I’d assume they wouldn’t be too let down by you remaining in employment.

 

Is your ‘boss’ a line manager, MD, CEO? Depending on the answer to that, if he makes your position untenable, would his superiors step in?

 

Personally, I’d sit in post for a while. He’s in the wrong (in a personal sense). He might find himself unable to carry on in his role. Integrity is huge within many organisations, it won’t look favourable on him. 
 

Was he planning trips to Romania on works time/expense for personal reasons? Dodgy ground depending on his position.

 

Speak to your family, don’t make yourself worse off because of someone else. I’d even carry on taking a wage until a job I actually wanted came up, **** him. He has no legitimate reason to sack you.

[ozleicester]

11 hours ago, Fosse93 said:

I need to write this down somewhere.

 

My boss is in a relationship with my Auntie, has been for 20+ years, they have 2 kids, nice house, 3 holidays a year, good jobs etc.

 

I've found out over the Christmas period (after someone in the family had one too many drinks) that he's been disguising various trips to Romania as 'work' - when the truth is he's been having an affair with a Romanian woman, not only that but they're engaged and the worst of all.... she's pregnant!!

 

Sounds like a Hollyoaks script but it's all true and proven beyond doubt - there's pictures of the woman in question, her engagement ring, her baby bump etc.

 

Rightly or wrongly, I kept hold of the information over the festive period as I didn't want to ruin my Auntie and her kids (my cousins) Christmas. Knowing this weighed on me immensely though so I eventually told my dad about it just before new year - he's since told my mum (my aunties sister) and she is going to tell her in a couple of days when they're planned to meet up with each other anyway.

 

She needs to know the truth so it's 100% the right thing to do. It's disgusting what he's done and I hate him for it.

 

Here is where I sound like a selfish ****... my career is finally settling down a bit and I feel I'm really making progress in my current job - obviously though, with this guy as my boss it's going to make things rather awkward. 

 

The loyal part of me is saying to immediately find another job and get my notice in ASAP, I honestly think I'll struggle to be in the same office as him, taking instructions off him and all that comes with a boss / worker relationship.

 

And then my head is telling me to stay put and not potentially sabotage my career all because of someone else's actions.

 

Work has always been a massive mood influencer for me, its had me spiral into depression before and suffer crippling anxiety. I've posted about work related anxiety / depression in this thread before and the replies I got from posters (you know who you are) really changed my outlook on the situation for the better.

 

I don't know what the lesser of 2 evils is here, stay or go?

Taking a really pragmatic view here ..he your boss...and is probably off to live in Romania soon, maybe a job opportunity for you  

Good luck

[Brenfox]

I always feel very low just after Christmas like most people I guess. The thought of returning to work tomorrow & the next year of struggling to pay bills & live life etc has made me feel awful. It's like Christmas is always a mini escape from reality. Just needed to put this down somewhere to feel a little better & know I'm not the only one.

[Fosse93]

13 hours ago, orangecity23 said:

With regards to your job, maybe the best thing to do is to wait and see a little to see what happens next - you don't have to make your mind up straight away. You could take alook at vacancies to see what is out there, but no need to rush into binning your current job - just keep your options open. You can quit anytime you want to, doesn't have to be right now. It's entirely possible that your boss might be the one who quits, especially since he's constructed himself a second life in Romania, when it all hits the fan he might just do a runner, then you'd be kicking yourself for quitting a job you liked to avoid someone who isn't there any more.

Thanks for this mate, much appreciated - I'm trying not to make any rash decisions but it's hard when emotions are running high!

 

11 hours ago, Leeds Fox said:

That really is a tough one, not an enviable position at all.

 

Again, this is all down to personal circumstance, relationship with your family etc. 

 

Remember though, you haven’t put yourself in this position, your boss has.

 

If you had the moral courage to tell your family about this, I’d assume they wouldn’t be too let down by you remaining in employment.

 

Is your ‘boss’ a line manager, MD, CEO? Depending on the answer to that, if he makes your position untenable, would his superiors step in?

 

Personally, I’d sit in post for a while. He’s in the wrong (in a personal sense). He might find himself unable to carry on in his role. Integrity is huge within many organisations, it won’t look favourable on him. 
 

Was he planning trips to Romania on works time/expense for personal reasons? Dodgy ground depending on his position.

 

Speak to your family, don’t make yourself worse off because of someone else. I’d even carry on taking a wage until a job I actually wanted came up, **** him. He has no legitimate reason to sack you.

My boss is pretty high up within the business and has a lot of influence, which could potentially make things difficult. The bit you've said in bold is what I'm going to do I think, look elsewhere but don't jump at the first opportunity - thanks bud.

 

9 hours ago, ozleicester said:

Taking a really pragmatic view here ..he your boss...and is probably off to live in Romania soon, maybe a job opportunity for you  

Good luck

My partner mentioned this potential scenario to me as well haha - I can't see him uprooting and leaving his kids but then again I would never have expected him to have done what he has, so who knows?

 

The office we work in is particularly 'gossipy' and it's really not somewhere I want to be once the news gets out to more people.

 

I'm going to look elsewhere but be picky about what I apply for, not rush into something that I later regret further down the line. I may just work from home as much as I can to avoid my boss and people asking me questions about it. Such a strange situation!

 

Thank you to everyone.

[FoyleFox]

The pragmatic approach of seeing what happens next is wise, although undoubtedly anxiety inducing. WFH sounds a very sensible idea. Is there anyone above your boss that you could discuss the situation with first? Or an HR advisor, just so the situation is on record, in case he is difficult going forward.

None of this is your fault, and it's not selfish to want stability, when you've struggled at work previously.

 

Assuming from your post, that your Aunt is still unaware, wait for the discussions to take place between her and him, then see what you may need to do at work.

[filthyfox]

Sertroline is the drug of choice.  Now signed off til 10th Feb (how awful!)

[Thefox81]

11 minutes ago, filthyfox said:

Sertroline is the drug of choice.  Now signed off til 10th Feb (how awful!)

Ive been on max doseage of sertraline (200mg) for around 2 years and it has totally changed my life. Think ive just got to accept i will be on it for good because if i try to cut down then my mood sinks. Lead a happy normal life on 200mg though. Is it your first time taking it? Im guessing if it is youve been put on 50mg. DM me if you want any advice on it.

[filthyfox]

2 minutes ago, Thefox81 said:

Ive been on max doseage of sertraline (200mg) for around 2 years and it has totally changed my life. Think ive just got to accept i will be on it for good because if i try to cut down then my mood sinks. Lead a happy normal life on 200mg though. Is it your first time taking it? Im guessing if it is youve been put on 50mg. DM me if you want any advice on it.

Cheers.  Yes, is first time. I still have to come off the citalopram (half dose 2 weeks, and nothing for a week) though.  Am NOT looking forward to it.

[Thefox81]

You will get there. Like i say im open for a DM on anything sertraline related. When you do start taking it i find first thing in the morning is best. If i took mine after work i couldnt sleep at night but i suppose its different for others because it does say can cause drowsiness. Just had the opposite affect on me.

[weller54]

12 hours ago, filthyfox said:

Cheers.  Yes, is first time. I still have to come off the citalopram (half dose 2 weeks, and nothing for a week) though.  Am NOT looking forward to it.

I've been taking citalopram for about 4 years now..20mg each day. I too would like to come off them! Let me know how you get on weaning yourself off them.  Good luck.

[Fosse93]

On 03/01/2023 at 13:11, FoyleFox said:

The pragmatic approach of seeing what happens next is wise, although undoubtedly anxiety inducing. WFH sounds a very sensible idea. Is there anyone above your boss that you could discuss the situation with first? Or an HR advisor, just so the situation is on record, in case he is difficult going forward.

None of this is your fault, and it's not selfish to want stability, when you've struggled at work previously.

 

Assuming from your post, that your Aunt is still unaware, wait for the discussions to take place between her and him, then see what you may need to do at work.

Thanks mate.

 

Well, the cat finally got out the bag last night - sounds like it well and truly kicked off. A few other things came out the woodwork as well which... surprised me, I've already divulged too much on here though so won't go into anymore detail!

 

I'm going to speak to our director at some point (without going into details) but essentially ask to move departments if possible. 

 

I've managed to get an interview tomorrow afternoon for what sounds like a decent job, just in case things go south quickly and my position becomes untenable. Keeping my options open.

Edited 5 January 2023 by Fosse93

[ozleicester]

4 minutes ago, Fosse93 said:

Thanks mate.

 

Well, the cat finally got out the bag last night - sounds like it well and truly kicked off. A few other things came out the woodwork as well which... surprised me, I've already divulged too much on here though so won't go into anymore detail!

 

I'm going to speak to our director at some point (without going into details) but essentially ask to move departments if possible. 

 

I've managed to get an interview tomorrow afternoon for what sounds like a decent job, just in case things go south quickly and my position becomes untenable. Keeping my options open.

good luck with it all

[filthyfox]

10 hours ago, weller54 said:

I've been taking citalopram for about 4 years now..20mg each day. I too would like to come off them! Let me know how you get on weaning yourself off them.  Good luck.

Cut your pills in half for 2 weeks, and if you can handle no tablets for the third week, you will be free.

[weller54]

16 minutes ago, filthyfox said:

Cut your pills in half for 2 weeks, and if you can handle no tablets for the third week, you will be free.

Are you changing to sertaline?

[filthyfox]

3 hours ago, weller54 said:

Are you changing to sertaline?

Yes. Hopefully it will give me more of an energetic feeling.  I'm in full sloth mode currently!

[weller54]

37 minutes ago, filthyfox said:

Yes. Hopefully it will give me more of an energetic feeling.  I'm in full sloth mode currently!

Did you find citalopram made you lethargic?

[filthyfox]

7 minutes ago, weller54 said:

Did you find citalopram made you lethargic?

I've been on them for 2 years, so I guess they just lost their efficacy.   They certainly helped for my circular thoughts though, which is becoming an issue again now the dose is lower.

 

Right now, I need a sleep most afternoons