Depression

[Izzy]

54 minutes ago, Parafox said:

I'm with you. Mrs PF organises a few get togethers with (mainly her) friends which I accept but then get seriously anxious about it the day before, to the point where I can't sleep. I want to say no but then she feels let down by me. So I go ahead only to I find I can't interact. Mrs PF then tells me I'm being ignorant. It's hard for someone who doesn't suffer, to understand. The irony is, in my career as a Paramedic, interaction with complete strangers was never a problem for me. I just feel I have nothing to contribute to social occasions.

I'm only comfortable interacting with long term, trusted friends or close family. That's about 6 people.

I think one of the reasons that people suffer from social anxiety is because they feel like they've got nothing interesting to say or contribute to a conversation.  They often feel like they'll be 'judged' or that they may say something that others find boring - so they either close down, don't interact, hide, or just plain don't bother going in the first place.

 

My teenage daughter is an introvert and really struggles massively in social situations. I've worked hard with her over recent years to recognise that social interaction isn't just about talking, but it's also about listening and asking questions from a genuine place of curiosity. She turned down the offer of going to a friends sleep over recently so I challenged her to go but just listen and ask questions (taking the pressure off her having to speak about herself). I made her practice with me asking open "What....?" or "How...?" questions beforehand that she could use with her friends and how to actively be present and listen to their answers (then the next question should be obvious).

 

She eventually agreed to go with this mindset and see how she got on. The next day I picked her up and asked her how it went. She said that although she was initially nervous, she stuck to asking open questions and was amazed at how much she learnt about her friends and that she felt she'd got to know them even better. 

 

I rarely go out, but when I do, I predominantly stick to asking questions rather than talking about myself or making statements. It helps that asking good questions is also part of my day job, but I'd encourage people who suffer from social anxiety to maybe try it next time. 

 

[TrentFox]

17 hours ago, urban.spaceman said:

Aaaand it’s a nope. This hell goes on. Standard. 

Hey. That’s a genuinely sad post to read. The word ‘hell’ implies that you’re really struggling and not in a great place? I’m saddened to read that. I hope they gave you some useful feedback as to why you didn’t get it and that it’s something you can work on for the next interview? Your posts on here are always so sharp, funny and bright that I confess to being shocked that times might be tough? Whilst I have no idea about the real you, I believe that - very soon - someone will see the qualities that you have. Good luck. 

[TrentFox]

I don’t read this thread very often. Probably deliberately, as we all know real-life is no fairy tale for most of us and often involves genuine distress. I’m now playing catch up and realise I’ve left it too late to respond to some of the stories in here. However, just wanted to pass on my total admiration for the fact that so many are somehow finding a way through the toughest of situations. Absolute respect. ✊. I cling to the belief that good things eventually find good people with good values, and I hope those good things find you all soon. 

[HighPeakFox]

2 hours ago, TrentFox said:

I don’t read this thread very often. Probably deliberately, as we all know real-life is no fairy tale for most of us and often involves genuine distress. I’m now playing catch up and realise I’ve left it too late to respond to some of the stories in here. However, just wanted to pass on my total admiration for the fact that so many are somehow finding a way through the toughest of situations. Absolute respect. ✊. I cling to the belief that good things eventually find good people with good values, and I hope those good things find you all soon. 

I often do this too, and it's very good to see you TF. I follow this thread, so get a notification whenever anyone posts in it.

[urban.spaceman]

Having a ****ing full on anxiety attack over applying for work is really not ****ing fun

[Tommy G]

1 hour ago, urban.spaceman said:

Having a ****ing full on anxiety attack over applying for work is really not ****ing fun

What type of work are you after?

[Guest Manini]

On 16/09/2022 at 20:47, Izzy said:

I think one of the reasons that people suffer from social anxiety is because they feel like they've got nothing interesting to say or contribute to a conversation.  They often feel like they'll be 'judged' or that they may say something that others find boring - so they either close down, don't interact, hide, or just plain don't bother going in the first place.

 

My teenage daughter is an introvert and really struggles massively in social situations. I've worked hard with her over recent years to recognise that social interaction isn't just about talking, but it's also about listening and asking questions from a genuine place of curiosity. She turned down the offer of going to a friends sleep over recently so I challenged her to go but just listen and ask questions (taking the pressure off her having to speak about herself). I made her practice with me asking open "What....?" or "How...?" questions beforehand that she could use with her friends and how to actively be present and listen to their answers (then the next question should be obvious).

 

She eventually agreed to go with this mindset and see how she got on. The next day I picked her up and asked her how it went. She said that although she was initially nervous, she stuck to asking open questions and was amazed at how much she learnt about her friends and that she felt she'd got to know them even better. 

 

I rarely go out, but when I do, I predominantly stick to asking questions rather than talking about myself or making statements. It helps that asking good questions is also part of my day job, but I'd encourage people who suffer from social anxiety to maybe try it next time. 

 

Great piece of advice. One I’ll use myself. 

[foxfanazer]

Bad day today. 

 

I started talking to a girl I met on a dating site last week and we've already met up a couple of times. She's absolutely brilliant and also has 2 children both the same ages as my own. We've hit it off and both seem to have a similar outlook on life. Perfect right? Enter my stupid ****ing anxiety.

 

I went to see her today and was completely crippled by my social anxiety and nerves. Couldn't relax at all and ended up making up a lame excuse to leave. She now thinks she's been too full on and that's put me off of her which is completely not the case at all. I've explained that I was a bit nervous but it's coming across as a 'it's not you, it's me' line.

 

Wish I could just be normal 😔

[Izzy]

8 minutes ago, foxfanazer said:

Bad day today. 

 

I started talking to a girl I met on a dating site last week and we've already met up a couple of times. She's absolutely brilliant and also has 2 children both the same ages as my own. We've hit it off and both seem to have a similar outlook on life. Perfect right? Enter my stupid ****ing anxiety.

 

I went to see her today and was completely crippled by my social anxiety and nerves. Couldn't relax at all and ended up making up a lame excuse to leave. She now thinks she's been too full on and that's put me off of her which is completely not the case at all. I've explained that I was a bit nervous but it's coming across as a 'it's not you, it's me' line.

 

Wish I could just be normal 😔

Newsflash dude....nobody is normal. We're all fvcked up in our own special way.

 

If I was in your shoes, I'd be completely honest and up front with her. Tell her you think she's absolutely brilliant and tell her you were nervous because you found it difficult to relax and just be yourself.

 

I'd even apologize for the lame excuse but say that's the best you could do in the moment.

 

If she likes you like you like her, she'll understand. Better to get everything out in the open at this early stage of the relationship I'd say.

 

I hope she respects your honesty and vulnerability and if she doesn't, then maybe she's not right for you.

 

Best of luck mate.

 

[foxfanazer]

12 minutes ago, Izzy said:

Newsflash dude....nobody is normal. We're all fvcked up in our own special way.

 

If I was in your shoes, I'd be completely honest and up front with her. Tell her you think she's absolutely brilliant and tell her you were nervous because you found it difficult to relax and just be yourself.

 

I'd even apologize for the lame excuse but say that's the best you could do in the moment.

 

If she likes you like you like her, she'll understand. Better to get everything out in the open at this early stage of the relationship I'd say.

 

I hope she respects your honesty and vulnerability and if she doesn't, then maybe she's not right for you.

 

Best of luck mate.

 

OK maybe not normal but just able to handle everyday situations like the 33 year old man I am and not like a teenager. 

 

Thank you though mate, definitely gonna go down the honesty route and hope that counts for something. She seems the understanding kind so I'm sure she'll be alright about it. 

[Izzy]

39 minutes ago, foxfanazer said:

OK maybe not normal but just able to handle everyday situations like the 33 year old man I am and not like a teenager. 

 

Thank you though mate, definitely gonna go down the honesty route and hope that counts for something. She seems the understanding kind so I'm sure she'll be alright about it. 

Mate, I'm nearly 50 and only last night found myself acting like a 2 year old chucking my toys out the pram while arguing with the wife.

 

I've since calmed down, realized I was a dick, apologized for being a dick, and we move on with life.

 

I guarantee that everyone on this forum handles everyday situations badly when they're either tired, stressed, nervous, anxious or under pressure - it's called being human.

 

No point giving yourself a hard time about it so forgive yourself, be honest about it, and hopefully she'll understand.

 

She sounds like a good un mate and good uns are worth doing everything you can to keep hold of.

[foxfanazer]

10 minutes ago, Izzy said:

Mate, I'm nearly 50 and only last night found myself acting like a 2 year old chucking my toys out the pram while arguing with the wife.

 

I've since calmed down, realized I was a dick, apologized for being a dick, and we move on with life.

 

I guarantee that everyone on this forum handles everyday situations badly when they're either tired, stressed, nervous, anxious or under pressure - it's called being human.

 

No point giving yourself a hard time about it so forgive yourself, be honest about it, and hopefully she'll understand.

 

She sounds like a good un mate and good uns are worth doing everything you can to keep hold of.

Thanks Izzy 

[Leeds Fox]

12 hours ago, foxfanazer said:

OK maybe not normal but just able to handle everyday situations like the 33 year old man I am and not like a teenager. 

 

Thank you though mate, definitely gonna go down the honesty route and hope that counts for something. She seems the understanding kind so I'm sure she'll be alright about it. 

Firstly, I know this isn’t a dating thread. Secondly, nobody in their right mind should take my dating advice! 
 

But if you can, do this in person. She’ll see the sincerity in what you’re saying and it could break through a lot better.

 

Hope it goes well mate 

[FoyleFox]

18 hours ago, foxfanazer said:

OK maybe not normal but just able to handle everyday situations like the 33 year old man I am and not like a teenager. 

 

Thank you though mate, definitely gonna go down the honesty route and hope that counts for something. She seems the understanding kind so I'm sure she'll be alright about it. 

 

6 hours ago, Leeds Fox said:

Firstly, I know this isn’t a dating thread. Secondly, nobody in their right mind should take my dating advice! 
 

But if you can, do this in person. She’ll see the sincerity in what you’re saying and it could break through a lot better.

 

Hope it goes well mate 

Definitely a conversation to have in person, if you are concerned about expressing all of your points fluidly and without feeling further anxiety, write down your main concerns and use that to work from. You'll know you have everything covered and won't be putting yourself under pressure to remember everything you want to say and explain.

 

Hopefully, once you've had the conversation, you'll feel more relaxed about discussing it with her moving forward. Good luck.

[chrishlcfc]

Went through possibly my worst period a few weeks ago, so I took myself to the bradgate mental health unit because I genuinely feared for myself. I must say I did find it helpful speaking to someone and laying bare my problems but I found the actual support to be pretty minimal.

 

Im still stuck in a situation that I’ve been in for ages where I’ve got so many goals and targets I want to achieve and I know they’d make me feel so much better and have such a positive effect on me but I just don’t know where to start. Instead I just sit here moping around and I annoy myself because I know I should be doing more but I just can’t get the motivation to do it.

 

Ive been off work for 2 months with a broken foot. But I could have gone back in 3 weeks ago now. I just can’t find myself being able to go in. I feel like I’m debilitated tbh. I feel embarrassed that I’m sitting at home doing basically nothing. But I can’t get out of the rut I’m in currently. I got a disciplinary from work for not going in. I deserved it but I’ve still not been in since. They’ve been really good to me regarding my problems so I have nothing against them for giving me a disciplinary.

 

I just feel like an absolute failure and it’s something I’ve felt like basically all my life and I genuinely don’t feel I can change.  Whatever I try and start to do I just always end up back in the same place. 

[Crinklyfox]

3 hours ago, chrishlcfc said:

Went through possibly my worst period a few weeks ago, so I took myself to the bradgate mental health unit because I genuinely feared for myself. I must say I did find it helpful speaking to someone and laying bare my problems but I found the actual support to be pretty minimal.

 

Im still stuck in a situation that I’ve been in for ages where I’ve got so many goals and targets I want to achieve and I know they’d make me feel so much better and have such a positive effect on me but I just don’t know where to start. Instead I just sit here moping around and I annoy myself because I know I should be doing more but I just can’t get the motivation to do it.

 

Ive been off work for 2 months with a broken foot. But I could have gone back in 3 weeks ago now. I just can’t find myself being able to go in. I feel like I’m debilitated tbh. I feel embarrassed that I’m sitting at home doing basically nothing. But I can’t get out of the rut I’m in currently. I got a disciplinary from work for not going in. I deserved it but I’ve still not been in since. They’ve been really good to me regarding my problems so I have nothing against them for giving me a disciplinary.

 

I just feel like an absolute failure and it’s something I’ve felt like basically all my life and I genuinely don’t feel I can change.  Whatever I try and start to do I just always end up back in the same place. 

From someone who has suffered depression themselves please believe me when I say that although you may feel like a failure that doesn't condemn you to be one, either now or in the future.

 

I know it's hard when depression puts a weight on you that makes it hard to move mentally or physically.  I can only suggest that you set yourself a small achievable task, like going for a walk for 15 minutes.  It may not seem that it will practically achieve anything but it will - you will have completed something and that is good mentally, it makes it easier to set the next small task and carry that out.  And it won't be the first thing you've done to try to get better today, you've already made the effort to post on FT.  

[rachhere]

3 hours ago, chrishlcfc said:

Went through possibly my worst period a few weeks ago, so I took myself to the bradgate mental health unit because I genuinely feared for myself. I must say I did find it helpful speaking to someone and laying bare my problems but I found the actual support to be pretty minimal.

 

Im still stuck in a situation that I’ve been in for ages where I’ve got so many goals and targets I want to achieve and I know they’d make me feel so much better and have such a positive effect on me but I just don’t know where to start. Instead I just sit here moping around and I annoy myself because I know I should be doing more but I just can’t get the motivation to do it.

 

Ive been off work for 2 months with a broken foot. But I could have gone back in 3 weeks ago now. I just can’t find myself being able to go in. I feel like I’m debilitated tbh. I feel embarrassed that I’m sitting at home doing basically nothing. But I can’t get out of the rut I’m in currently. I got a disciplinary from work for not going in. I deserved it but I’ve still not been in since. They’ve been really good to me regarding my problems so I have nothing against them for giving me a disciplinary.

 

I just feel like an absolute failure and it’s something I’ve felt like basically all my life and I genuinely don’t feel I can change.  Whatever I try and start to do I just always end up back in the same place. 

Sorry to hear that, but I am so glad that you went out and sought help. I am sure there are people on here who can recommend ongoing support if you would find that helpful.

 

What stuck out to me is where you said you have 'go many goals and targets' you want to achieve. That sounds quite overwhelming and paralysing! Have you tried just picking one thing and starting there, rather than feeling like you need to do everything at once.

 

It can't help as well that you are out of your routine with going to work. Did you discuss with them the option of a phased return or anything like that? 

[chrishlcfc]

38 minutes ago, rachhere said:

Sorry to hear that, but I am so glad that you went out and sought help. I am sure there are people on here who can recommend ongoing support if you would find that helpful.

 

What stuck out to me is where you said you have 'go many goals and targets' you want to achieve. That sounds quite overwhelming and paralysing! Have you tried just picking one thing and starting there, rather than feeling like you need to do everything at once.

 

It can't help as well that you are out of your routine with going to work. Did you discuss with them the option of a phased return or anything like that? 

Do think this is something I struggle with quite a bit. I try and focus on one thing and then I get distracted and then move onto another before I’ve finished it. Just find it really difficult. I understand I can’t do everything at once, know there isn’t a quick fix just can’t transfer that to my brain if you get that.

 

I haven’t really no, I mean I only do 4 days a week and 6 hour shifts already so I can’t really cut down from that anyway.

 

I just feel crippled as if I can’t do anything. I’m just waiting for my counselling which is coming in a couple of weeks now, hopefully that will be really beneficial as I’ve had counselling before and found it helpful but just couldn’t afford to continue to keep paying to go privately. 

[rachhere]

13 minutes ago, chrishlcfc said:

Do think this is something I struggle with quite a bit. I try and focus on one thing and then I get distracted and then move onto another before I’ve finished it. Just find it really difficult. I understand I can’t do everything at once, know there isn’t a quick fix just can’t transfer that to my brain if you get that.

 

I haven’t really no, I mean I only do 4 days a week and 6 hour shifts already so I can’t really cut down from that anyway.

 

I just feel crippled as if I can’t do anything. I’m just waiting for my counselling which is coming in a couple of weeks now, hopefully that will be really beneficial as I’ve had counselling before and found it helpful but just couldn’t afford to continue to keep paying to go privately. 

I do completely get it - my husband is the same and I appreciate how difficult it is and how frustrating it can be. Not saying this is the case in your situation, but struggling to complete tasks is something which people with ADHD often struggle with, so it might be worth looking at resources which have been developed targeted at people with ADHD to see if there's any helpful strategies in there. I have heard there's some useful apps and I am sure there will be written resources as well. My husband has the same struggles, so I completely get how frustrating it can be - especially in a world which is so focused on getting things done as quickly as possible and being super-productive. 

 

 

[Wymsey]

1 hour ago, chrishlcfc said:

Do think this is something I struggle with quite a bit. I try and focus on one thing and then I get distracted and then move onto another before I’ve finished it. Just find it really difficult. I understand I can’t do everything at once, know there isn’t a quick fix just can’t transfer that to my brain if you get that.

 

I haven’t really no, I mean I only do 4 days a week and 6 hour shifts already so I can’t really cut down from that anyway.

 

I just feel crippled as if I can’t do anything. I’m just waiting for my counselling which is coming in a couple of weeks now, hopefully that will be really beneficial as I’ve had counselling before and found it helpful but just couldn’t afford to continue to keep paying to go privately. 

Am sorry that you're feeling that way.

Please take in the advice given to you.

 

Don't know how old you are, but seen a counselling group advertised for under-30's recently, and this thread has reminded me of it, offering independent advice for a discounted fee for up to 3 sessions - can send you further information, if you like.

[FoxesDeb]

3 hours ago, chrishlcfc said:

Do think this is something I struggle with quite a bit. I try and focus on one thing and then I get distracted and then move onto another before I’ve finished it. Just find it really difficult. I understand I can’t do everything at once, know there isn’t a quick fix just can’t transfer that to my brain if you get that.

 

I haven’t really no, I mean I only do 4 days a week and 6 hour shifts already so I can’t really cut down from that anyway.

 

I just feel crippled as if I can’t do anything. I’m just waiting for my counselling which is coming in a couple of weeks now, hopefully that will be really beneficial as I’ve had counselling before and found it helpful but just couldn’t afford to continue to keep paying to go privately. 

I don't think it really matters what your hours of work are, you can still discuss a phased return to work. It's all about getting you comfortable returning to your previous hours.

 

I used to work part time and had long periods of absence. My phased return in the past included just a couple of hours a day for a couple of days a week. 

 

Have a look at this if you get the chance 

 

https://www.acas.org.uk/absence-from-work/returning-to-work-after-absence

 

I wish you well 

[urban.spaceman]

On 21/09/2022 at 15:18, Tommy G said:

What type of work are you after?

That one was for a warehouse role at Amazon. I got really far into the application but the only shifts they were offering would have meant my other job as a carer would have been impossible to do and I just lost it. I don't even want to do it anyway, but things are getting financially desperate. I loathe the feeling of being forced into something I don't want to do. At this point though I don't really feel capable of anything. 

[filthyfox]

I ****ing hate depression.  I am tired even when I shouldn't be, which makes me grumpy and irritable.

 

Could just be I'm making up for months, possibly years of crap sleep through sleep apnoea (now got cpap).

 

Looks like I'm stuck with this shitty disease for life, or at least long term.

 

I have dealt with all the shit running around in my head from my past.  I have no worries about the future, but I am even finding it hard to process the fun stuff- and I do A LOT of that!

[SeCrEt FoX]

A lot of depression I suffered with is caused by having too much time on my own, so all I did was think, I was my own worst enemy! I had a long distance driving job and I'd be driving along thinking the worst all the time and it just consumed me. The job had to go at the time and it got a bit better until all the trauma I experienced and that's when I fell into deep depression. I've sort of explained on here in the past. I also stopped visiting friends and family and even going out on the piss and just constantly sat on my arse all day which made everyday groundhog day, work then home work then home same shit different day! Then when I did manage to go out I suffered from anxiety. What I did to try and get me out that bad place is set targets or some sort of bucket list to concentrate on. The thing is I've ticked quite a lot of things off it and ran out of things I wanna do. But does work and only you can make it work! 

 

Sorry if it doesn't make sense as I am suffering from a migraine 

[sdb]

Not sure if I've got depression or what, but I've essentially felt nothing for the last 2-3 years. Us winning the FA Cup is about it. Just numbness otherwise. No obvious reason for it. Just don't get much enjoyment from anything any more and I'm far less confident and focused (on everything) than I used to be. Seen a couple of counsellors but nothing has really 'connected', so to speak.