The joke thread

[FerrisBueller]

My friend Callum is convinced that folding pizza is his thing, he calls it 'Cal's Own'

[TheLittleBigMan]

Someone just stole my girlfriends knickers off the line. She's p*ssed off, wants her 27 pegs back....

[TheLittleBigMan]

Next doors kids just asked for a water fight. I'll just pop the kettle on...

[Parafox]

I knew someone who converted his house to a car and called it Austin Villa. It only went downhill..

 

I know that car. It has no engine, no wings and as for seats, well, there's only two at the back

[Alf Bentley]

My mate bought a mansion with every facility you could wish for: 5 baths, jacuzzi, marble staircase, chandeliers, snooker room.

Then he covered everything in gold leaf - staircase, pool, chandeliers, the lot.

 

I asked him how he could justify such ostentatious extravagance.

 

He replied that he did have a bit of a gilt complex.

[KP Fox]

George Michael was found slumped at the wheel of his Range Rover last night, naked and covered in chocolate. When questioned by police he said the incident had been caused by a careless Whispa.

Q. What's white and can be found over public toilet walls?

A. George Michael's latest release

[Izzy]

Q. What's white and can be found over public toilet walls?

A. George Michael's latest release

Eeeewww...that's disgusting

Q. What's hit more balls than Ian Botham's bat?

A. George Michael's chin

[Alf Bentley]

Eeeewww...that's disgusting

Q. What's hit more balls than Ian Botham's bat?

A. George Michael's chin

 

 

Doesn't bear thinking about.

 

All that stubble would be right scratchy on the old ball-sack.

[KP Fox]

I saw a pirated movie today.

Out of 1-10, I'd give it 3.14.

I took one of Melton Mowbray's finest to White Hart Lane and to the Emirates. My teacher told me to take pie to 2 dismal places.

[MPH]

Cant believe it! Just saw arnold schwarzenegger standing at the clock Tower. He was eating a chocolate egg. So i said to him " i bet i know what your favourite holday is!"

 

 

 

He replied " you have ta love Easter, baby!"

[MPH]

Just read that France is planning a ban on the veil in the workplace,

 

 

 

Beekeepers are furious.

[TheLittleBigMan]

Boy: Hi

Girl: I have a boyfriend

Boy: I said hi, not suck me off

[Trav Le Bleu]

A policeman radios back to the station.

 

"I have a situation here. An old lady has just shot her husband for walking on the floor she just mopped."

 

"Have you arrested her?"

 

"No chance, the floor's still wet!"

Edited 1 June 2016 by Trav Le Bleu

[ryanlcfc]

I thought this was quite funny, surely I'm not the only one that read that wrong the first time round?

 

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/331870169121?var=&ssPageName=STRK:MESELX:IT&_trksid=p3984.m1555.l2649

[Wolfox]

Went to see the Doc yesterday about my deteriorating hearing.

Doc: Can you describe the symptoms to me?

Me: Yes, Homer is lazy and Marge has blue hair!

[Rincewind]

Copied from the LTID Facebook page.

 

Claudio Ranieri to let Arsene Wenger have his list of signings for the coming season so Wenger can plan his team for the 2017/18 season

[Buce]

The fvcking next-door neighbour came banging on my door at 3.am this morning, screaming and shouting abuse.

Fortunately, I was still up practising my bagpipes.

[Izzy]

I have two tickets for the final of Euro 2016 but I didn't realise it will be on the same day as my wedding so I can't go...

 

If you are interested and want to go instead of me....it's at St Matthews church in Leicester and the girl is called Sarah

[Tielemans63]

Why did the French chef commit suicide?

He lost the huile d'olive.

Sent from my SM-G920F using Tapatalk

[Countryfox]

I was in Asda earlier and the cashier asked the foreign couple in front of me if they wanted help packing their bags ..... I thought fvck me we only voted out yesterday give them a chance !!!

[davieG]

I was in Asda earlier and the cashier asked the foreign couple in front of me if they wanted help packing their bags ..... I thought fvck me we only voted out yesterday give them a chance !!!

It was Morrisons where I heard exactly the same thing

 

 

http://www.foxestalk.co.uk/forums/topic/107358-eu-referendum-vote-today-23rd-june-from-7am-10pm-post-vote-discussion/?p=3938198

 

[Countryfox]

It was Morrisons where I heard exactly the same thing

 

 

http://www.foxestalk.co.uk/forums/topic/107358-eu-referendum-vote-today-23rd-june-from-7am-10pm-post-vote-discussion/?p=3938198

 

 

That couple seem to shop everywhere !   

[Renart]

I just ate a frozen apple. Hardcore.

[fuchsntf]

From one of my kids...

Oranges played Apples , in the fa cup ( fruity acidic) final

Oranges just pipped it, after grannie smiths gave away a foul... (bad apple)

Edited 25 June 2016 by fuchsntf

[separator]

Just in time for the summer, UKIP are set to launch a new range of tents.

 

They're like normal tents, but without any poles.