The joke thread

[Tielemans63]

Bill Clinton walks into the kitchen and sees Hillary sitting staring into a coffee cup so he tries to cheer her up a bit..

 

"Don't worry Darling, Nelson Mandela wasn't elected president until after he'd served 27 years in prison....."

Edited 12 November 2016 by Paddy.

[davieG]

Breaking news: Nicola Sturgeon says she doesn't agree with the England Vs Scotland result and wants a re-match.

[MPH]

It's just been on the news that work on the wall is going to start immediately

 

" I'm not having them come into MY country in search of a better life.  They need to stay where they are. We're not having them here!" Said the Canadian Prime minister

[Countryfox]

 

Every time someone calls me fat I get so depressed I cut myself ......

 

....   another piece of cake.

[Countryfox]

 

Why can't midgets wear tampons ...     cus they keep stepping on the string.

[separator]

British weather is a lot like bring a Muslim  It's either Sunni or Shi'ite 

Edited 13 November 2016 by separator

[Izzy]

21 minutes ago, separator said:

British weather us a lot like bring a Muslim  It's either Sunni or Shi'ite 

Even with auto spell letting you down twice there, it's still funny 

[Beliall]

I burned my Hawaiian Pizza earlier. Next time I'll cook at aloha temperature.

[Alf Bentley]

On 11/13/2016 at 08:01, Beliall said:

I burned my Hawaiian Pizza earlier. Next time I'll cook at aloha temperature.

 

I recommend Five-0 centigrade.

[separator]

3 hours ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

I recommend Five-0 centigrade.

If you don't cook it thoroughly you will spend the rest of the night sat 'on a loo loo' with food poisoning 

[Countryfox]

 

I bought my mother-in-law a chair for Christmas ....       but she wouldn't plug it in.

[Countryfox]

Q:  What is the ideal weight for a mother-in-law ?

A:  About 2lbs ....     including the urn.

[Rincewind]

Donald Trump had a meeting with Putin the other day. Trump says 'I'm worried that my people don't like me much what can I do?'

Putin replies ' Here iz what you must do comrade, first deport all foreigners, then lock up your political opponents, finally paint the White House pink.'

Trump pauses then asks 'Why pink?'

Putin says, ' I thought you would query that.'

[Buce]

So, driving out in the countryside today, I came across a section of road where a stream had burst its banks. It just so happened that Countryfox was leaning on a fence, chewing a piece of straw as he watched the world go by. I called and asked how deep the water was, at which he furrowed his brow and chewed a little harder on the straw. Eventually, he spoke: "Oim reckoning it's abart two or three inches deep, Buce". Relieved, I thanked him and drove forward into the water, only to see it wash over the bonnet and through the windows. Well, I was livid. "You blithering idiot, CF," said I, "I thought you said it was only two or three inches deep?".

"Oi don't get it, Buce", he replied, "it only comes 'arf way up them ducks.."

 

[Izzy]

1 hour ago, Countryfox said:

 

I bought my mother-in-law a chair for Christmas ....       but she wouldn't plug it in.

I was talking about the Mother-In-Law to a mate down the pub.

 

He said "My mother-in-law's an angel you know"

 

I said "You're lucky mate, mine's still alive"

 

[Buce]

1 minute ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I was talking about the Mother-In-Law to a mate down the pub.

 

He said "My mother-in-law's an angel you know"

 

I said "You're lucky mate, mine's still alive"

 

I haven't spoken to mine in months.

 

I don't like to interrupt..

[Izzy]

8 minutes ago, Buce said:

I haven't spoken to mine in months.

 

I don't like to interrupt..

 

I really do have a soft spot for mine actually

 

...it's out in the garden behind the garage

[AKCJ]

There are three unwritten rules in life.

 

1)

2)

3)

[Countryfox]

1 hour ago, Buce said:

So, driving out in the countryside today, I came across a section of road where a stream had burst its banks. It just so happened that Countryfox was leaning on a fence, chewing a piece of straw as he watched the world go by. I called and asked how deep the water was, at which he furrowed his brow and chewed a little harder on the straw. Eventually, he spoke: "Oim reckoning it's abart two or three inches deep, Buce". Relieved, I thanked him and drove forward into the water, only to see it wash over the bonnet and through the windows. Well, I was livid. "You blithering idiot, CF," said I, "I thought you said it was only two or three inches deep?".

"Oi don't get it, Buce", he replied, "it only comes 'arf way up them ducks.."

 

 

Cant believe you fell for that one Bucey !!    

 

(I normally charge  £50 to pull em out with my tractor  ....     Easy money thank you city boys ! ).

[jonthefox]

4 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I was talking about the Mother-In-Law to a mate down the pub.

 

He said "My mother-in-law's an angel you know"

 

I said "You're lucky mate, mine's still alive"

 

I've got mine over for Christmas dinner this year. Makes a change from turkey I suppose.

[Izzy]

13 minutes ago, jonthefox said:

I've got mine over for Christmas dinner this year. Makes a change from turkey I suppose.

 

Last week I watched six men kicking and punching mine. The neighbour angrily shouts over to me "Are you going to help!?"

 

I said "No, six should be enough"

 

[Beliall]

I was fishing the other day, when a funeral procession passed over a nearby bridge.

I removed my hat and bowed as a gesture of respect, my friend, who was with me, commented on it being a nice gesture, I replied " it was the least i could do, that was my mother in law"

[Countryfox]

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other ....       Eileen

 

What do you call a Japanese woman with one leg shorter than the other .....        Irene.

[longman]

On 2016/9/30 at 10:49, Parafox said:

 

 

I can't get the point ...

[Countryfox]

 

 

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a swimming pool ....       Bob