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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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davieG

davieG

Posted
Posted
8 minutes ago, GeorgeTheFox said:

A Horse is sitting at home, watching MTV. He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.

"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."

Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.

Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.

One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"

The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.

Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.

Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.

So the horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

 

Yes, this is stolen from Reddit

You were the one that was robbed.

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Alf Bentley

Alf Bentley

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, GeorgeTheFox said:

A Horse is sitting at home, watching MTV. He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.

"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."

Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.

Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.

One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"

The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.

Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.

Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.

So the horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

 

Yes, this is stolen from Reddit

 

Reminded me of this one....

 

One day, in the midst of the Peruvian jungle, an intrepid explorer called Mac found, on a log, a very small, squishy, red bird with lots more legs than you would normally expect for a bird. Now, Mac had never seen anything like this animal before, and so, taking care in case it was poisonous, he carefully put the bird into a small matchbox that he had. He was so excited about his find that he decided to return to Ireland immediately. So he started the long trek back through the jungle to the river, as the first step towards going home.After a couple of days of struggling through the jungle, Mac noticed that his little red squishy bird with lots of legs had got larger. In fact, it seemed to be about twice as large as it had been when he caught it, but he decided that it probably wouldn’t get any larger. After hacking his way through more of the jungle on his way back to the river, Mac noticed that the little red squishy bird with lots of legs was now much larger and featherier than it had been before, and was now almost completely filling the matchbox that he’d put it in, so he carefully took the little red feathery bird with lots of legs out of the matchbox, and put it into an empty tobacco tin that he’d just finished, and carried on working his way towards the river. On the day that he reached the river, Mac found that the little red feathery bird with lots of legs was larger again, and would need a larger container soon, if it kept on growing. Luckily, he had a small carton which had contained food, and so he carefully took the little red feathery bird with lots of legs out of the tobacco tin, and put it into the food carton. Mac then built himself a raft, and started sculling down-river, back to civilisation. The little red feathery bird with lots of legs kept growing, and after a few days on the river, it was getting too big to keep in the food carton, so Mac had to empty out his last remaining cardboard box of supplies, and put the little red feathery bird with lots of legs into the cardboard box, and he kept on sculling down the river.

 

Eventually, of course, Mac reached civilisation. By this time, the red feathery bird with lots of legs had grown until it was almost filling the cardboard box that he’d put it in on the river. Not wanting to waste any time, he immediately booked passage back to Ireland, with the red feathery bird with lots of legs, so that he could have it examined by the experts back in Ireland. So that the ship’s captain would accept it, Mac had to put the red feathery bird with lots of legs into some sort of cage or box. He decided that the best thing to put it into would be an old tea-chest, of which the shipping company had many for packing small quantities of goods, so Mac took the red feathery bird with lots of legs out of its cardboard box and put it into the tea chest. Now, sea voyages aren’t very quick, and so the journey took a couple of weeks. During this time, the red feathery bird with lots of legs kept growing, nearly forcing its way out of the tea-chest. After consulting with the captain, Mac decided to empty one of the larger packing crates and to put the red feathery bird with lots of legs into that instead of the tea-chest. By the time they got to Ireland, the red squishy thing with lots of legs had grown bigger again, and was nearly too big to fit into the packing crate. With a sigh of relief, the captain saw it being lifted off his ship, and onto the quayside, where Mac met with a group of experts from Dublin Zoo and from the Natural History Museum from London.

 

The experts all looked at the big red feathery bird with lots of legs, and ummed and erred over it, and eventually concluded that none of them had seen anything like it before, but they all took pictures of the big red feathery bird with legs, and wrote out descriptions, and went away to see if they could find anyone who knew about it. Mac didn’t know what to do with the big red feathery bird with lots of legs, so he hired a storage unit at the dockside, and moved it out of the packing crate into the storage unit, because by now it was getting a bit too big for the packing crate.After a few days, Mac received a phone call: 

`Mac speaking.’

`Hello, Mac, this is Professor Emetriusolous of the Natural History Museum in London. We’ve been looking over our records, and we think we know what your big red feathery bird with lots of legs is.’

`Yes, and what is it?

`Well, we’ve only got records of one other creature like this being found, and that one was blue, not red, but we think it’s the same species. It’s called a rary, and as far as we can tell, it’s never going to stop growing. The only thing you can do now is to kill it.’

`Kill it? How? We can’t starve it to death — I haven’t fed it since I found it. It just keeps on growing!’

`Well, rary’s are very tough creatures. The only way you can kill a rary is to tip it off the top of a very high cliff.’

`Off a very high cliff?’

`Yes.’

`Well, thank you, Professor.’

 

So, Mac chartered a cargo ship to take the rary to the cliffs of Moher (The bird was far to big to be carried by road by this time). Before they set off, they moved the rary into the largest shipping container they could find for the voyage.

Despite this attempt to keep it contained, the rary grew too large for the shipping container, and by the time they passed Cork, the container was bulging, and even before they saw the entrance to the Shannon, the rary had burst out of the container, and was sitting on the foredeck of the ship. The rary kept growing, and after rounding the southern tip of Kilkee, the rary was large enough to cause problems on deck. By the time they reached Galway, the rary had taken up all of the available space on the deck of the ship. However, they had radioed ahead, and had people ready at the dockside to push the rary off the ship onto the land. Mac hired many Mercedes trucks to drag the rary across the countryside to the foothills of the cliffs of Moher. He then hired hundreds of local farmers to drag the rary to the top of the cliffs. 

 

Just as they were about to tip the bird off the top of the cliffs,  Mac saw that it was shaking all over. Being intrigued as to why, he walked around to the front of the rary, and said, `What are you shaking like that for?’ 

The rary replied, `I’m scared!’

`Why are you scared?’

 

`Well, it’s a long way to tip a rary.’

 

https://looneyatoms.com/2013/03/01/shaggy-bird-story/

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MPH

MPH

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, GeorgeTheFox said:

A Horse is sitting at home, watching MTV. He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.

"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."

Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.

Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.

One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"

The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.

Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.

Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.

So the horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

 

Yes, this is stolen from Reddit

 

 

I feel the need to ask for compensation from you for sitting and reading that!

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Filbert_Ross

Filbert_Ross

Posted
Posted
On 20/10/2016 at 14:18, GeorgeTheFox said:

A Horse is sitting at home, watching MTV. He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.

"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."

Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.

Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.

One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"

The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.

Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.

Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.

So the horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

 

Yes, this is stolen from Reddit

 

 

Gave my phone to my Mrs to read the 'joke' and half way through she said "is this gonna be about a chicken drum stick?"

 

ha. 

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Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, Webbo said:

According to statistics six out of seven dwarfs aren't happy.

 

3 hours ago, Parafox said:

According to the stats I've seen, one out of seven dwarves is grumpy.

Apparently 83.67% of statistics are made up on the spot you know..

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Tinman

Tinman

Posted
Posted

****in starving on the way home from work so stopped off for a Burger, don't often do it, but thought fook it one won't hurt.


Some little **** in the queue starts giving me grief about red meat and saturated fat.

"I suppose you learned that in Uni, did you pal?" I said.
"The University of Life mate!" he replied.

Got to admit this flipped me out, smug **** 

"oock off!" I snapped "Don't ever fooking say that. You're what? 18? 19? I'm more than twice your age, kid. I've shagged dozens of women ( well a few ) , fathered two kids. Had a mortgage, I once broke a man's jaw. I've got pissed and shit in bushes. Don't talk about life to me, you little shit. You're still at home clinging to your mummy's apron strings and Shitting yellow."


Turns out he said Fife.

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Parafox

Parafox

Posted
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Posted (edited)

I once got a ticket for a Celtic v Rangers match. I found myself sitting next to a very large, very vocal Celtic supporter who was giving it large with insults and threats towards the rangers fans throughout the game. I was dreading him spotting me, a stranger with no team colours in the midst of the Celtic mob.

 

Midway through the second half the dreaded happened. He turned to me, his ginger beard flecked with spittle and growled, "what's tha team?"

 

I didn't know how to react to this so stayed silent.

 

Again he looked me up and down. "What's tha team"? he spat, frustrated by my muteness and obviously thinking I was a cretin.

 

I stood rooted, thinking frantically how to get out of this. I stammered, "I.. I don't really... have.." and my voice trailed away with fear.

 

The Scotsman looked at me as if I was mental. He leaned towards me. "Nah ya wee pillock", he grunted. Then, jabbing his right forefinger against his left wrist, he thundered, "WHAT'S... THA... TEEEEMMM"?

 

 

Edited by Parafox
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