The joke thread

[Renart]

Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas.

[Renart]

I like Jesus but he loves me, so it's awkward.

[Renart]

Two women walk into a bar and discuss the Bechdel test.

[Renart]

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

[Buce]

8 minutes ago, Renart said:

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

 

The same man told me he was collecting for the old folks' home, so I gave him the mother-in-law..

[Carl the Llama]

6 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

The same man told me he was collecting for the old folks' home, so I gave him the mother-in-law..

Where does he find the time for all this charity work? Bloke came round mine collecting for the orphanage so I gave him my kids.

[Parafox]

On ‎9‎/‎18‎/‎2016 at 12:26, Beliall said:

 

Oi, how can you give me rep points for those jokes one day, then post a sarky gif the next...!!

 

I feel betrayed

[Countryfox]

On 9/18/2016 at 12:26, Beliall said:

 

 

    I've got to be honest I laughed at that more than any of the jokes !  (even my own) ...   comedy gold and I want to use it !   

[Beliall]

16 minutes ago, Parafox said:

Oi, how can you give me rep points for those jokes one day, then post a sarky gif the next...!!

 

I feel betrayed

It wasn't meant to be sarcy lol. I just thought it was the funniest gif I found.

[Alf Bentley]

On 9/19/2016 at 14:29, Renart said:

Two women walk into a bar and discuss the Bechdel test.

 

Bechdel? Who's he?

 

[Merging Cultures]

It wasn't meant to be sarcy . I just thought it was the funniest gif I found.

Did you find it on the forum from when I posted it?!

[Beliall]

No, I just googled "drumroll gif"

[MPH]

Finally given in an bought My wife a Pug. Despite the squashed up nose, bulging eyes and rolls of skin on the neck, the dog seems to have taken to her....

[longman]

3 hours ago, MPH said:

Finally given in an bought My wife a Pug. Despite the squashed up nose, bulging eyes and rolls of skin on the neck, the dog seems to have taken to her....

What do you mean taken to her?  She like it or dump it?

[Tinman]

On 21/08/2016 at 21:33, separator said:

 

 

 

Yesterday, a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.

Apparently 'In HD' wasn't the correct answer.

[Izzy]

Paddy rings Murphy:

"Listen, me and Susan are both virgins and I really want our first time to be special"

"So are you asking me for some advice then?" says Murphy

"No not really, more of a favour" Paddy replies

"Could you please babysit her two daughters while she comes over to mine later?"

[longman]

5 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

Paddy rings Murphy:

"Listen, me and Susan are both virgins and I really want our first time to be special"

"So are you asking me for some advice then?" says Murphy

"No not really, more of a favour" Paddy replies

"Could you please babysit her two daughters while she comes over to mine later?"

So Susan adopted two little girl?

[Beliall]

25 minutes ago, longman said:

So Susan adopted two little girl?

 

39 minutes ago, longman said:

What do you mean taken to her?  She like it or dump it?

[kingcarr21]

What's the difference between a circus and a brothel?

 

A circus has an array of cunning stunts

[Parafox]

Last night a thief broke into my house, searching for money and valuables.

 

I immediately got up and started searching with him.

[ozleicester]

Im a printer technician and just got a call that there was music coming from the printer, i said dont worry, its just the paper jammin

[fuchsntf]

On Thursday, September 15, 2016 at 14:50, AKCJ said:

I've seen some shit jokes in here but... blimey...

My workmates asked me  ' if I have always been so dumb'

I replied..  'hold on a minute..its not my fault I always have bad luck when trying to think'

[Smudge]

This bloke is lying in a hospital bed. Over his face is a mask to stop infections and under the covers he's wearing nothing but one of those knee length gowns.

 

When he wakes up he calls to a passing nurse, "Are my testicles black?" She ignores him and carries on about her duties.

 

The man gets frustrated but later when the Sister of the ward is on her rounds, with the same nurse, he asks "Are my testicles black?"

 

The nurse shrugs and so he looks to the Sister, who orders the covers pulled back and pulls up his 'nightshirt'. She has a good feel around while inspecting Jim and the twins. She covers him up and says , "No they are fine why are you making such a fuss?"

 

To which the man rips off his face mask and shouts "Are my test results back?"

[Buce]

I have a pet amphibian. I call him Tiny.

 

I call him Tiny because he's my newt.

[Buce]

Life is a lot like toilet paper.

 

You're either on a roll, or taking shit from some asshole.