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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Renart

Renart

Posted
Posted (edited)
4 hours ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

Are you sure? Have you been to see Doctor and the Medics?

 

a-ha! Good plan. Recently my doctor gave me a New Order of some medicine I had to take on Sugar Cubes and - Wham, the Madness was over! What worries me is that it might have been XTC and I could find The Police after me!

Edited by Renart
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Alf Bentley

Alf Bentley

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Wymeswold fox said:

Lionel Ritchie goes to a local delicatessen looking around.

 

The shop owner asks 'Hello, is it brie you're looking for?'

 

After he'd been served, Lionel asked how often he should eat the brie.

 

The shopkeeper replied: "Yeah, er, once, twice, three times daily".

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Alf Bentley

Alf Bentley

Posted
Posted
14 hours ago, separator said:

Boy George has been arrested after his pet reptile attacked several members of the public.

 

He really needs a calmer chameleon 

 

Still, at least George is calmer himself after that operation to insert a pacemaker.

 

Interviewed afterwards, he said "Time is like a clock of the heart"

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MPH

MPH

Posted
Posted
42 minutes ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

The tennis player Johanna Konta got caught up in the same roadworks and told Eddy that Electric Avenue was going to be closed for six months.

 

"Gimme hope, Johanna", he replied.

When asked again how long it was closed for, she told him

 

" till the morning comes!"

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Smudge

Smudge

Posted
Posted

Old fella sitting at the airport waiting to board his plane to Fiji when he gets into conversation with this newly married couple going on their honeymoon.

During the conversation the young woman asks "Are you still married?

"Yes' he replies, "Sixty years tomorrow"

"Wow that's fantastic!" She responds.

"Thank you, it is a long time" says the old man.

"And where did you go to for your honeymoon?

"Fiji" Says he.

So are you both returning for your sixtieth anniversary?

"No" He says, "I'm going to fetch her back!"

 

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Tielemans63

Tielemans63

Posted
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Posted (edited)

A man goes to join an order of monks.

The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 10 years."

The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order.

10 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been ten years. What would you like to say brother?".

The man responds, "The porridge could do with a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away.

Another 10 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 10 years. What is it that you wish to say?".

"The bed sheets are a bit thin." Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement.

Yet another 10 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "10 years have passed. Have you anything to say?".

"Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man.

"Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but ****ing complain since you got here."

Edited by Paddy.
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DANGEROUS TIGER

DANGEROUS TIGER

Posted
Posted
16 hours ago, Paddy. said:

A man goes to join an order of monks.

The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 10 years."

The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order.

10 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been ten years. What would you like to say brother?".

The man responds, "The porridge could do with a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away.

Another 10 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 10 years. What is it that you wish to say?".

"The bed sheets are a bit thin." Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement.

Yet another 10 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "10 years have passed. Have you anything to say?".

"Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man.

"Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but ****ing complain since you got here."

lol

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Smudge

Smudge

Posted
Posted

Gareth was a young lad living with his parents in rural village in Wales.

His mother is forever going on about him finding a nice girl to go out with.

"Aw mum stop it, I don't want to. I'm shy, see! They'll only laugh at me."

"Don't be so daft, you're a good looking boy, any girl would be proud to be with you."

This conversation goes on for several days without resolve.

Later that week, Gareth is drying the dishes with his Mum by the kitchen window, when the same conversation starts up.

Hey Gareth why don't you ask Gwyneth next door, I'm mean you know her and she is a lovely girl.

At that moment, his mother spots Gwyneth walking up the garden to use the outside toilet.

She says, "Look there's Gwyneth now, why don't you talk to her when she's on her way back?"

"What shall I say, he protests'

"Oh you'll think of something, give it a go"

After much protesting Gareth gives in and starts to walk up his garden path at the time Gwyneth is returning.

As she approaches, he takes a deep breath and exclaims "Oh hello Gwyneth,.....Been for a sh*t have you?"

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