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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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cambridgefox

cambridgefox

Posted
Posted
On 17 April 2017 at 18:23, Trav Le Bleu said:

Here's a few classics from the "The Fox Joke Omnibus"...

 

What's green, got 6 legs and will kill you if it falls out of a snooker table tree?

 

A deadly snooker table.

 

What is yellow, dangerous and shark-infested?

 

Dangerous custard.

 

Why did the beach blush at the seaweed?

 

Because it urinated.

 

 

What's a hedgehogs favourite food?

 

Prickled onions

Alf Bentley

Alf Bentley

Posted
Posted
1 minute ago, cambridgefox said:

What's a hedgehogs favourite food?

 

Prickled onions

 

I thought it was them that had eaten all the hedges, the greedy bastards?

 

No wonder soil erosion is a factor in flooding and the bee population is in decline. Bloody hedgehogs!

Tuna

Tuna

Posted
Posted

What's red and falls faster than a stone thrown down a well?

 

Nottingham Forest F.C.

Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted
41 minutes ago, Parafox said:

A teat owl?

I'm not really sure. Just as long as it annoys Buce really :thumbup:

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Carl the Llama

Carl the Llama

Posted
  • Popular Post
Posted
1 hour ago, DB11 said:

A comedian has just been on Britain's Got Talent - he was brilliant!! Anyone else see him?

I don't get it.

  • Like 7
Tielemans63

Tielemans63

Posted
Posted

My daughter brought home her new boyfriend Dave to meet me the other day.

 

I looked him up and down. "Are you ****ing serious?  What the **** are you doing with this loser? You can do a lot better than this ugly fecker."

 

"Oh my God, Dad! Don't talk about Dave like that. Dave's lovely."

 

"I know he is. I was talking to Dave"

 

  • Like 3
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Izzy

Izzy

Posted
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Posted

I've just bought a new TV to watch the Championship play off games on.

 

It's a nice telly but it comes with no Leeds...

  • Like 6
the fox

the fox

Posted
Posted

Got this from reddit and I found it funny.

 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

  • Like 3
Trav Le Bleu

Trav Le Bleu

Posted
Posted
17 minutes ago, the fox said:

Got this from reddit and I found it funny.

 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

That joke is so old I deduce that it was written by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

  • Like 1
the fox

the fox

Posted
Posted
35 minutes ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

That joke is so old I deduce that it was written by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

Elementary my dear travson, it my look like his work buts its far too simple to be it. Too many plot holes and the actual verdict is just a guess. Holmes didn't eliminate the other possibilities. 

.

  • Like 1
Tuna

Tuna

Posted
Posted

Man goes to the opticians.

 

Optician 'Sir, I'm afraid you'll have to stop masturbating'.

 

Man 'Why, will it affect my eyesight?'

 

Optician 'No, it's upsetting my other patients'.

  • Like 2
Alf Bentley

Alf Bentley

Posted
Posted
On 5/1/2017 at 18:38, Izzy Muzzett said:

I've just bought a new TV to watch the Championship play off games on.

 

It's a nice telly but it comes with no Leeds...

 

I was going to fly out to watch those games in the Amazon jungle.

 

But I've just heard that the logging companies have been at work and there's no Forest.

  • Like 2
Trav Le Bleu

Trav Le Bleu

Posted
Posted
15 hours ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

I was going to fly out to watch those games in the Amazon jungle.

 

But I've just heard that the logging companies have been at work and there's no Forest.

I was going to watch it after a horse race at Ascot, but there's no Derby.

  • Like 1
Beliall

Beliall

Posted
Posted
25 minutes ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

I was going to watch it after a horse race at Ascot, but there's no Derby.

I was going after I finished my garden, but there's no manure

kingcarr21

kingcarr21

Posted
Posted
9 minutes ago, Beliall said:

I was going after I finished my garden, but there's no manure

I was going to watch it until my holiday home was demolished. Now there's no Villa.

 

(Sorry lol)

  • Like 3

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