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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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MPH

MPH

Posted
Posted
15 minutes ago, Benguin said:

A statistics expert from Edinburgh needed to attend a conference in London, his colleague asked him if it was okay to go ahead and book flights to London.

"Oh no," said the Stat man "I don't fly as there is a 1 in a million chance that someone will bring a bomb onto the plane and I'm not confident with those odds."

"Ok I'll book us tickets for the train." said his colleague.

(At the conference In London)

"Sir, why on earth didn't you meet me on the train, I was worried that you weren't going to get here." said the colleague.

"Ah sorry, I got a plane in the end."

"But I thought you weren't happy with the odds of someone bringing a bomb on the plane?"

"Yes well I did some math and it turns out that the odds of two people bringing a bomb on the plane are a million x a million and I'm comfortable with those odds, so I carry a bomb whenever I fly now!"

 

A statistics expert eh?

 

 

in my school days he would of been called Paddy! Times are a changin'

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the fox

the fox

Posted
Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, Beliall said:

Doctor Doctor, I think I lost my sense of humour

 

3 hours ago, Countryfox said:

 

Im right behind you mate ...    And there's another 10 people in the queue ...    

Did someone say "lost sense of humour"?

H7jYZzx.gif.09ec7b8229cb0066d56bdea8c81a7b00.gif

Edited by the fox
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Tuna

Tuna

Posted
Posted

Teacher tells class "make a sentence using the word dough". Little Lucy raises her hand: "In Italy they make pizza using special dough".

"Very good" says teacher. Little Sarah raises her hand: "My brother makes dinosaurs out of . . . play dough".

"Excellent" says teacher. Little Billy raises his hand: "Our mum says dad is a crap shag so she has to use a dill dough"

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Benguin

Benguin

Posted
Posted
26 minutes ago, Tuna said:

Teacher tells class "make a sentence using the word dough". Little Lucy raises her hand: "In Italy they make pizza using special dough".

"Very good" says teacher. Little Sarah raises her hand: "My brother makes dinosaurs out of . . . play dough".

"Excellent" says teacher. Little Billy raises his hand: "Our mum says dad is a crap shag so she has to use a dill dough"

I'm sceptical as to whether half of these "funny things kids say or do at school" are real, but nonetheless this made me laugh!

 

when-i-grow-up.jpg

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Tuna

Tuna

Posted
Posted (edited)
15 minutes ago, separator said:

Caught the wife masturbating to a Rowan Atkinson movie earlier.

 

She loves a good Bean flick.

Hope when you caught her she wasn't in a flap.

Edited by Tuna
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Beliall

Beliall

Posted
Posted

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?'

The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.

Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'

The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.

The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.

`Father,' replied the son, `I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.

The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.

`Father,' said the son to this, `I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'

`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.

`I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father, `but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.

The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.

`Dear son,' said the father, `I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'

The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humour me, dear father.'

The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.

The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.

`Dearest father,' the son started, `I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'

One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.

The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.

The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.

The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.

`Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.'

It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.

The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.

`Father,' the son said, `You've made me very happy yet again.'

That night, the son spent on board the tanker.

The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.

A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.

His father visited the young man in hospital. `My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?'

Weakly, the son sat up in bed. `Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father held his son's hand tightly. `Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.'

`Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.'

The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.

`Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.'

The son nodded weakly.

The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.

`Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls,' the father requested.

The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.

`I-' the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.

`I- I-'

Then he died.

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DJ Barry Hammond

DJ Barry Hammond

Posted
Posted

 

Once upon a time, in the purple kingdom of Purpalon, there lived a purple king. One purple day this purple King, who was purply named Purple Purple the fifth, called his purple son, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth, over to his purple side.

 

"My purple son," the purple king said to purple prince Purple Purple the sixth, "in another purple kingdom a very short purple distance away there lives another purple king. This purple king has a purple princess that I think that you should marry. Here she is, the purple Princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia."

 

Purple prince Purple Purple the sixth, upon seeing the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, agreed to marry her. And so, one fine purple day, in the purple garden, Prince Purple Purple the sixth and stood by the purple altar and watched his purple bride-to-be, the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, march down the purple aisle wearing a purple wedding dress and carrying a bouquet of purple flowers. Just as the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia reached the purple altar, however, an evil purple magician appeared and cast a purple spell on the purple princess. In a purply moment, the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia had vanished.

 

"What have you done?" cried the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth.

 

"I have sent the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia to a purple cave in the purple mountain Mount Purpletop. There, in her purple cave, she is guarded by the purple dragon Purplefang. The purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia is purply safe there, but the purple dragon Purplefang, will not let her rejoin the purple kingdoms of Purpalon and Purplonia."

 

"You are purply insane," the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth said to the Purple magician, but the purple magician had vanished.

 

"What are you going to do, my purple son?" the purple king Purple Purple the fifth of Purpalon asked his son, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth.

 

"I am going to take my purple horse, Purple Lightning, and my purple sword, Purple Death, and go slay the purple dragon Purplefang and rescue the fair purple maiden the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia."

 

"May the purple God speed you well on your purple journey," the purple king Purple Purple the fifth of Purpalon purply blessed his purple son, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth. With that, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth got his purple sword, Purple Death, and his purple horse, Purple Lightning, and rode off to the purple mountain of Mount Purpletop and the purple cave thereon, in which lived the purple dragon Purplefang and his purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia.

 

The purple hero of this purple story, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon, rode his purple horse Purple Lightning over many purple miles over many purple roads and through many purple fields. He crossed many purple streams and many purple mountains, though none of them were the purple mountain of Mount Purpletop and the purple cave thereon, in which lived the purple dragon Purplefang and his purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. When the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth crossed these purple mountains, he trudged his way through purple snow. Purple sand lined the purple deserts he crossed, and there was purple water in the purple oasises.

 

Eventually, the purple horse Purple Lightning got tired, so the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth carried his purple horse Purple Lightning over many purple miles over many purple roads and through many purple fields. He crossed many purple streams and many purple mountains, though none of them were the purple mountain of Mount Purpletop and the purple cave thereon, in which lived the purple dragon Purplefang and his purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. When the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth crossed these purple mountains, he trudged his way through purple snow. Purple sand lined the purple deserts he crossed, and there was purple water in the purple oasises.

 

Finally, the Purple prince Purple Purple the sixth reached the purple mountain Mount Purpletop. There, in a purple cave on top of the purple mountain, Prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon could see the purple smoke from the purple dragon Purplefang who lived in the purple cave in which the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia was a purple prisoner.

 

Our purple hero, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon, climbed the purple mountain Mount Purpletop and slew the purple dragon Purplefang as the purple beast slept purply. The purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon rescued the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. But their purple adventures were not yet come to their purple close. They still had to get home purple and sound.

 

So...

 

The purple hero of this purple story, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon, and the newly rescued purple heroine, the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, rode the purple horse Purple Lightning over many purple miles over many purple roads and through many purple fields. He crossed many purple streams and many purple mountains, though none of them were the same purple mountain of Mount Purpletop which in the purple cave thereon the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth slew the purple dragon Purplefang and rescued the purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. When the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth crossed these purple mountains, he trudged his way through purple snow. Purple sand lined the purple deserts he crossed, and there was purple water in the purple oasises.

 

Eventually, the purple horse Purple Lightning got tired, so the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth carried his purple horse Purple Lightning and the newly rescued purple heroine, the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, over many purple miles over many purple roads and through many purple fields. He crossed many purple streams and many purple mountains, though none of them were the same purple mountain of Mount Purpletop which in the purple cave thereon the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth slew the purple dragon Purplefang and rescued the purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. When the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth crossed these purple mountains, he trudged his way through purple snow. Purple sand lined the purple deserts he crossed, and there was purple water in the purple oasises.

 

Eventually, The purple hero of this purple story, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon, got tired, so the newly rescued purple heroine, the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, carried the purple horse Purple Lightning and the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon over many purple miles over many purple roads and through many purple fields. She crossed many purple streams and many purple mountains, though none of them were the same purple mountain of Mount Purpletop which in the purple cave thereon the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth slew the purple dragon Purplefang and rescued the purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. When the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth crossed these purple mountains, he trudged his way through purple snow. Purple sand lined the purple deserts he crossed, and there was purple water in the purple oasises.

 

Purple alases and purple alaks, though, for it seems our purple heroes, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon and the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia got lost on their way home, for they wandered into the purple kingdom of an evil purple king, the evil purple king Purple Purponovov of Purplovia. This evil purple man had the purple heroes,the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon and the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, arrested and thrown into the purple dungeon. Just before the evil purple king Purple Purponovov of Purplovia threw them in, however, he said....

 

"Indigo."

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MPH

MPH

Posted
Posted (edited)

Jeremy Hunt was doing an annual visit to a NHS hospital. As always he was looking for something to beat the NHS with to show how badly run and loss making things were.
While Hunt was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the middle of the roll ?"
"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll. We recycle whenever possible"
"Oh," replied Hunt,, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. “What about all these coloured casts you dispense. Isn't it rather a waste of money?"
"Ah, yes," replied the executive, realizing that Hunt was trying to trap him. "We ask that any patient wishing a coloured cast donates £1 which is far in excess of the 10p the colouring actually costs."
Hunt asked a dozen or more questions with similar results. he was determined to fluster the know-it-all executive. 
"Well, What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to government, and about once a year, at this time, they send us a complete pr1ck ".

Edited by MPH
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Izzy

Izzy

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Posted

I visited my daughter yesterday and asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

 

"This is the 21st century Dad!" she said, "We don't waste money on newspapers - here, use my I-pad"

 

I tell you what, that fly never knew what hit him...

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davieG

davieG

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Posted
13 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I visited my daughter yesterday and asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

 

"This is the 21st century Dad!" she said, "We don't waste money on newspapers - here, use my I-pad"

 

I tell you what, that fly never knew what hit him...

Suggesting you're ancient I was expecting you to say how difficult it was to wipe your arse with it.

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