The joke thread

[Alf Bentley]

I went to Homebase, intending to paint my wall to resemble a summer's day while watching the play-offs, but there are no Sky Blues.

 

Scraping the barrel even more with that one!

[kingcarr21]

I was going to watch it until there was a breakout at the Zoo. Now there's no Wolves

[Trav Le Bleu]

I was going to watch it in an aviary, but there's no canaries, robins or bluebirds.

 

Then I noticed the owls, so that's fine then.

[Aus Fox]

I was going to watch it after I have surgery on the joint at the top of my leg, my best mate was donating me his.

But now there is no Ipswich.

Edited 5 May 2017 by Aus Fox

[Wycombe Fox]

I was going to watch it after going on a cruise but the boat sank. There was no Hull

 

...and the Crewe all drowned

Edited 5 May 2017 by Isle of Wight Fox

[Alf Bentley]

I planned to watch the Huddersfield match on the Sunday, but I hear they might be playing Wednesday.

 

I'd cook a ham hock but don't have a Full ham, so I'll concentrate on Reading. I'll get my book.

[Wycombe Fox]

I was going to watch it after I'd been to the cinema to watch a film about the Sex Pistols but the cinema was closed. There was no Great Rock 'n' Roll Swindon

[Guest]

I could've sworn i clicked on the joke thread.

[Jimothy]

I wanted to watch all the play off games, but when I checked the dates I could only make Wednesday's

[The Bear]

Please stop this shit!

[Carl the Llama]

I wanted to stay away from making a joke about watching the playoffs until I'd seen an overweight hairy man who dresses like an s&m biker but then there was a bear so I wanted to watch the playoffs but then a boy told me his flock of sheep were being attacked by a pack of wild animals from the woods so I investigated but there were no wolves.

 

Phew just about tied it together.

[Beliall]

I went to chop some wood , but there's no forest

[Jimothy]

1 hour ago, The Bear said:

Please stop this shit!

Someone's struggling to think of a play off joke  

[Benguin]

A Photon walks into a hotel and is immediately greeted by a staff member who asks "would you like a hand with your luggage?" The Photon replies "No thank you, I'm travelling light."

[Alf Bentley]

6 hours ago, The Bear said:

Please stop this shit!

 

At least we now know whether bears shit in the woods......far too much for their own liking, it seems. 

[Aus Fox]

Two snakes sunning themselves on a log.

One turns to the other and says "hey mate, are we poisonous snakes?"

"yes, of course, why'd you ask" replied the other.

"I just bit my tongue"

[Beliall]

how do you know when your wife is dead?

 

The sex is the same but the washing piles up. 

[Buce]

Copper stopped me earlier.

He said, Excuse me sir, but a lady claiming to be your wife says she fell out of the car about ten miles ago..

I was greatly relieved.

I thought I'd gone deaf.

[jonthefox]

I rode my bike to Bargain Booze last night to get a bottle of vodka. I was just about to ride home when it dawned on me that if I fell off I'd smash the bottle. So I decided to drink it there and then. My instincts proved correct as I fell off several times on the way back.

[separator]

I think my mate from the Greater Manchester area might be a transvestite...

 

He has a Wigan address.

[Tuna]

Bloke walks into a hotel.

 

He says to the clerk 'I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled'.

 

Clerk replies, 'No, it's regular porn you sick twat'.

 

 

[Bryn]

This page is ****ing terrible.

[cambridgefox]

I was going to watch the playoffs at the Skinhead Rally.

But there was no Barnet.

Edited 6 May 2017 by cambridgefox

[Strokes]

8 minutes ago, Bryn said:

This page is ****ing terrible.

I don't get it.

[cambridgefox]

I was on the set of a porno film when I asked" who will win the playoffs"

Morecombe

 

Do Cockermouth have a team?