The joke thread

[Tuna]

I walked into McDonald's today and was shocked to see everybody in the queue vigorously masturbating.

 

I ask the girl behind the counter what was happening. She said "it's first come first served".

[Izzy]

I heard my window cleaner effing and blinding this morning. He was in a terrible mood.

 

There was a right commotion outside.

 

He’d obviously lost his rag.

[Aus Fox]

5 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I heard my window cleaner effing and blinding this morning. He was in a terrible mood.

 

There was a right commotion outside.

 

He’d obviously lost his rag.

You seem to get a lot of stick on this thread, but I genuinely look forward to your jokes, good, bad and ugly.

[The Bear]

That makes one of you then.

[Izzy]

6 minutes ago, The Bear said:

That makes one of you then.

Hilarious.

 

Hope the Villa batter you later 

[The Bear]

I wish I could say the same about the Baggies, but I genuinely hope you batter them.

[Tielemans63]

I gave my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday. 

 

That takes the number of girls I've got wet this year to -1.

[Izzy]

1 minute ago, Paddy. said:

I gave my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday. 

 

That takes the number of girls I've got wet this year to -1.

 

I actually gave my wife an orgasm last night...

 

But the ungrateful cow spat it out.

[notnow john]

My new girlfriend gave me a right slap when I asked her if she swallowed or spit.

 

Caused quite a stir at the village wine tasting!

[fuchsntf]

2 hours ago, The Bear said:

That makes one of you then.

No two..!!!

Give Muzzey, CS job, at least we would be laughing on the terraces and down the aisles...

[Trav Le Bleu]

Why did Edward Woodward have 4 d's in his name?

 

Because if he didn't, his name would be Ewar Woowar.

[Milo]

7 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I actually gave my wife an orgasm last night...

 

But the ungrateful cow spat it out.

Now that one makes up for all the recent shockers   

[Izzy]

The wife just asked me to name all the women I've ever slept with.

 

In hindsight, I probably should've stopped when I got to her.

[Tuna]

We went to that new Moon-themed Restaurant last night.

 

The food was great but there was no atmosphere.

[Buce]

5 minutes ago, Tuna said:

We went to that new Moon-themed Restaurant last night.

 

The food was great but there was no atmosphere.

 

Was it a spur of the moment thing, or did you planet?

 

 

[separator]

18 minutes ago, Tuna said:

We went to that new Moon-themed Restaurant last night.

 

The food was great but there was no atmosphere.

 

[separator]

Which Spice Girl can hold the most petrol?

 

Geri can.

[Benguin]

3 hours ago, Buce said:

 

Was it a spur of the moment thing, or did you planet?

 

 

Definitely planned it, I went tonight and got told there was no space.

[Alf Bentley]

4 hours ago, Tuna said:

We went to that new Moon-themed Restaurant last night.

 

The food was great but there was no atmosphere.

 

You should have tried a Mars bar instead.

[ozleicester]

[Milo]

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman say "Oi, get out. We don't want your type in here"

[Alf Bentley]

2 hours ago, Milo said:

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman say "Oi, get out. We don't want your type in here"

 

Four fonts walk into a bar. "We're here to wet the baby's head", they tell the barman.

[Milo]

23 minutes ago, Alf Bentley said:

Four fonts walk into a bar. "We're here to wet the baby's head", they tell the barman

Ooh, very good...I'll see your punchline and raise it.. 

[Buce]

Four dyslexic guys walk into a bra...

[Alf Bentley]

20 minutes ago, Buce said:

Four dyslexic guys walk into a bra...

 

....and they all felt right tits.