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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Wortho

Wortho

Posted
Posted

I've just been sacked from my job with the Samaritans. A United fan rang me and said "I'm laying on the rail track just waiting for the train to come ".All I said was "Just stay on the line"

  • Haha 4
Wortho

Wortho

Posted
Posted

Young lad goes on holiday to Ibiza, texts his mate,
Weather here just like your Mum, 38 and ****ing hot!

His mate texts back,
Weather here just like your Sister, 18 and soaking wet!

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Wortho

Wortho

Posted
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Posted

Three old spinster sisters, Kitty, Sissy and Fanny, never had boyfriends in their lives due to the fact they all had big feet. Kitty and Sissy wore a 12 but Fanny wore size 16.
They finally decided to get over their embarrassment and have a night out in town.
However on the last minute Fanny didn't want to go, so Kitty and Sissy went anyway.
After a few drinks they finally pulled a couple of guys. 
One of the lads looked down and said " bloody hell girls, haven't you got big feet!"
To which Sissy and Kitty replied together, 
" Ha! If you think our feet are big you should see the size of our Fannies!"
 

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Webbo

Webbo

Posted
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Posted

I've just bought the world's worst thesaurus . Not only is it terrible but it's terrible as well.

  • Like 1
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Facecloth

Facecloth

Posted
Posted
2 minutes ago, Webbo said:

I've just bought the world's worse thesaurus . Not only is it terrible but it's terrible as well.

I don't think your dictionary is that great either, I think you meant "worst". :P

  • Like 1
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Wortho

Wortho

Posted
Posted

I was walking in the park when I spotted a dog with a football. I ran at him and did a sliding tackle. I won the ball but I caught the dog's legs too. I got fined £1000. I didn't see the "No Dog Fouling" sign.

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Izzy

Izzy

Posted
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Posted
1 hour ago, woollett the bullet said:

My wife kicked me out last night,

As I was putting my suitcases into the car she screams

" and I hope you have a long slow painful death you effing bast@@d " , to which I replied

" so you want me to stay now then ! "

 

When my first wife died of a heart attack, I decided not to rush into another serious relationship.

I visited a few of those dating websites and found myself a young blonde who loved sex.

The in-laws went mad and reckoned I should have phoned for an ambulance first :rolleyes:

  • Like 1
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Tielemans63

Tielemans63

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, SheppyFox said:

How do you get Pikachu onto a train?

 

 

Pokemon! 

 

 

 

1 hour ago, bovril said:

How do you annoy Lady Gaga?

 

Poke her face. 

Had to look at my calendar after reading these, check it's not 2010.

  • Sad 1
bovril

bovril

Posted
Posted
11 minutes ago, Paddy. said:

 

Had to look at my calendar after reading these, check it's not 2010.

After a few years I just assume people have forgotten the jokes and I can start recycling them. 

  • Like 1
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woollett the bullet

woollett the bullet

Posted
Posted

My wife was looking at herself in the mirror last night , feeling sorry for herself.

" I look old ,fat and ugly , I've got bingo wings , droopy tits and a saggy arse . . . . I need you to pay me a compliment to cheer me up ".

" Well " I said . . . ." Your eyesight is fvcking perfect "

  • Haha 3
surrifox

surrifox

Posted
Posted

WARNING

if you receive an e mail with the subject 

"Two free tickets for a home premiership match at West Ham United " DO NOT OPEN IT.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It contains two free tickets to a West Ham game 

 

 

 

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