Depression

[Crinklyfox]

14 hours ago, Leicester_Loyal said:

Been on top of the world for the past 2 months or so, finally got my house sorted etc. Now I feel at rock bottom again ever since my ex has been messaging me again, I wish I had the strength to block her out of my life for good. I've spent the morning wondering what's the point in life.

 

I've self referred myself for counselling, I'm embarrassed because the situation is all my own doing, if I was stronger it wouldn't be like this.

This has some resonance with a situation a good friend of mine found himself in many years ago.  I'm going to recount it but if it sounds nothing like what's happening to you please dismiss it.

 

Anyway my friend met a girl - he was smitten, she was smitten, you couldn't separate them with a crowbar.  I was happy for both of them.  The relationship progressed through months and years and they were married.  Some time later differences between them started to emerge and they found life together more difficult, eventually they separated.

 

My friend couldn't initially move on with his life but in time managed to do so, re-entering the social world he had avoided while they were a couple.  He looked for new relationships though none developed initially.  Then the problems started.  His wife went through some difficulties and wanted him back.  He wasn't able to ignore her pleas so they got together again, but only for a short while, after which she didn't want to see him any more once again.  And so he returned to trying to move on with his life, a little emotionally battered and bruised.  Until the time when she called again, and he went back again, and then was rejected again.  His friends and I could see a pattern - she was using him to rescue her emotionally whenever she needed that, but once he'd done that she had no more need of him.  She was not an inherently nasty person but was doing whatever she felt was necessary for her own well-being with little thought to the consequences for his.

 

This went on for some time - years in fact during which I watched him go downhill.  His attempts to form new relationships foundered partly on the fact that he was effectively allowing himself to be subject to her beck and call.  Eventually he did meet a lovely new lady whom he didn't want to lose and that promoted him to break off all ties with his ex and to formally get a divorce.  Since then he's had a happy married life and they had children together which made him even happier.

 

It would be easy to say that my friend was weak to let himself be effectively used for such a long time.  To me he wasn't weak, he was sensitive and caring, and those characteristics were used against him.  If he had been in another strong relationship he would not have allowed the manipulation of his life to happen.  

[Finnegan]

On 11/08/2021 at 13:23, Carl the Llama said:

Anyone had any experience with sertraline (sp?)?  I've had a few eventful days culminating in being prescribed some of that and counselling.  

 

On 18/08/2021 at 09:35, Silebyfox_89 said:

Was put on this a few years ago when i went through a anxiety & mild depression spell, it made me worse as i have high blood pressure and was put on citalopram instead.

 

Always got time for people who need a chat as i've been there, its a difficult place but i've come out of it and on gotten better.

 

PM me if anyone needs a chat/let of some steam or someone to listen too, happy to help in any way i can.

 

For balance, citalopram was an absolute disaster for me. It gave me massive problems with going for a piss, some of the worst persistent side effects I've had taking any medication. Sertraline wasn't brilliant either. 

 

I had the most success taking fluoxetine. 

 

I don't say any of this to put anyone off taking SSRIs but more the opposite really, if at first you don't succeed don't despair - just talk to your GP and try something else. 

[Leicester_Loyal]

4 hours ago, Crinklyfox said:

This has some resonance with a situation a good friend of mine found himself in many years ago.  I'm going to recount it but if it sounds nothing like what's happening to you please dismiss it.

 

Anyway my friend met a girl - he was smitten, she was smitten, you couldn't separate them with a crowbar.  I was happy for both of them.  The relationship progressed through months and years and they were married.  Some time later differences between them started to emerge and they found life together more difficult, eventually they separated.

 

My friend couldn't initially move on with his life but in time managed to do so, re-entering the social world he had avoided while they were a couple.  He looked for new relationships though none developed initially.  Then the problems started.  His wife went through some difficulties and wanted him back.  He wasn't able to ignore her pleas so they got together again, but only for a short while, after which she didn't want to see him any more once again.  And so he returned to trying to move on with his life, a little emotionally battered and bruised.  Until the time when she called again, and he went back again, and then was rejected again.  His friends and I could see a pattern - she was using him to rescue her emotionally whenever she needed that, but once he'd done that she had no more need of him.  She was not an inherently nasty person but was doing whatever she felt was necessary for her own well-being with little thought to the consequences for his.

 

This went on for some time - years in fact during which I watched him go downhill.  His attempts to form new relationships foundered partly on the fact that he was effectively allowing himself to be subject to her beck and call.  Eventually he did meet a lovely new lady whom he didn't want to lose and that promoted him to break off all ties with his ex and to formally get a divorce.  Since then he's had a happy married life and they had children together which made him even happier.

 

It would be easy to say that my friend was weak to let himself be effectively used for such a long time.  To me he wasn't weak, he was sensitive and caring, and those characteristics were used against him.  If he had been in another strong relationship he would not have allowed the manipulation of his life to happen.  

Thank you for that.

 

It sounds pretty much similar to what I'm going through, it'll be weeks or even 3 months without any contact, then she'll send me a text out of the blue. When I accuse her of pretty much using me (I do say whether it's unintentional or not), she hits the roof. She's been through 2 or 3 difficulties in the past 15 months and I've been there for them all, even though we weren't together. We start talking again as friends, it progresses, then she throws stuff at me and eventually we'll fall out and not speak again for a while, then she'll text or call again randomly.

 

I've blocked her number, I've realised she's the common denominator whenever I feel rock bottom (usually when she says 'look, this is why we aren't together because of xyz issue or because you did this') and if I ever want to move on with my life I've got to start putting myself first and forgetting about her. Being caring and putting other people first is unfortunately a characteristic I also possess sadly!

[HighPeakFox]

2 minutes ago, pmcla26 said:

I don't get why family members have to be so nasty or blind to the shit that they do/put you through. But because they're family their stance is that you should just accept how they are, regardless of what they do. Not even the slightest bit of wanting to apologise or change. ****s with my head so much. 

My mother has progressed from outright denial, to proudly owning her neglect of me without a hint of shame or regret, expecting that to absolve her.

[HighPeakFox]

1 minute ago, pmcla26 said:

I'm sorry to hear that. My mum is very similar, in complete denial that she's done anything wrong.

 

She's an abusive alcoholic who's torn apart not just the immediate family, but divided much of her side of the family. It's sad because I just feel like I've lost some of my identity, pride and trust all through her actions. She was young when I was born so she's still at the age where she goes out partying and crap - everyone knows of her. It's embarrassing, I just feel like half a man. Doesn't help either that my sister is cut from the same cloth and regularly causes drama. 

 

I hate that I'm related to the 2 most selfish and self-indulgent people I know. 

Wow, that's hard. I didn't have that, but the way my Mum goes about her narcissism and gaslighting has resulted in similar feelings for me.

[drumbeat]

People that f^ck you up are often f^cked up too. Philip Larkin told us all about it. It doesn't really help when you're trying to deal with being f^cked up, I know, because, well, you are where you are, as the cliche goes. You've just kinda got to forget about the 'why' of it and move on with sorting yourself out (though being at least able to attribute some 'why' does help, for sure)

 

FWIW, and to pick up on something said earlier....

 

Quote

She was not an inherently nasty person but was doing whatever she felt was necessary for her own well-being with little thought to the consequences for his.

 

...I agree, and I don't think most people are inherently nasty. At worst, they are selfish; not even thinking of the consequences of their actions, just getting what they need to get by. Blaming them, as much as it acts like a salve, doesn't really move you on. 

 

My dad had a nasty short temper. I grew up (in retrospect) afraid of him. He was prone to violent outbreaks, and enjoyed to humiliate (I presume to make himself feel better) I was clever enough to avoid his anger, not trigger him, and to hide myself - not do anything that might have him ridicule me. That (I think) has lead to me not intuitively trusting people. I live in fear of being shouted at, even today some 40 odd years later, and I need to be very sure of someone before I allow myself to 'be myself'. He's dead now, and I never tried to talk to him about it (I didn't feel the need to make him feel bad about it; he was as he was, and I dealt with it as I did) I broached the subject with my mother once (as she obviously knew what he was like) and she did tell me that he had, on occasions, expressed shame for the way he was.... he'd said he had a difficult relationship with his father. So, yes, what goes around comes around etc. Everyone has their own shizzle, you can only deal with your own. My own take is that finding reason or blaming, whilst it does have some solace, ultimately doesn't move you on. That sh*t is, rightly or wrongly, is on your plate. People can, and will help, but ultimately it's you that does the leg work. And I am not saying it's easy. Not by any means. My dad's been dead some 10 years and I still find myself reacting out of fear of his anger. 

[Carl the Llama]

14 hours ago, HighPeakFox said:

My mother has progressed from outright denial, to proudly owning her neglect of me without a hint of shame or regret, expecting that to absolve her.

That's terrible. If you think it's possible for you I'd seriously consider going radio silent and getting some distance.  Also talking to someone else in the family you can trust.

 

Since there's a theme here I may as well fill you guys in on what I've been doing lately:
A couple of months ago I stopped contact with my parents entirely after years and years, decades even at this point, of trying to open dialogue on how they've negatively impacted my mental health and seeing how we can fix things moving forwards.  Literally told them how I feel my life is utterly pointless and I'm just waiting to die but I'm sadly too much a pussy to do it myself.  They just focused on something else I said in the same message that they took offense to (my mum coercing me into not getting psychiatric support when I was 17 or 18 and under their care) and claimed was a lie (it wasn't, she literally told me I could only see one if she was also in the room, obviously I was dead against that).  Couple of months of radio silence later and the waiting to die turned into one night where I was struck with the genuine conviction that I could actually do it with the right tools which I didn't own, after all one of my key excuses not to was always because no parent should go through that, but I've now fully accepted that they don't care, so...   

 

Lacking the tools to act on it the conviction passed and I regretted not having had the tools in the moment so I ordered the things I needed off Amazon and began the wait for another night of full conviction.  A couple of days later one of my sisters messaged me about something and I matter of factly mentioned in my reply that I don't know how long I'll be around for, I'm just waiting for the moment to come again, it didn't even occur to me that this might be a horrible message to receive from your brother or considered a cry for help of sorts, I was just giving her fair warning.  In my mind nobody would give it a moment's notice, my parents certainly never did when I mentioned things like that. 

 

That night I had the police at my door despite nobody in my family knowing my address.  Since then I've had so much support from my sisters and I'm finally getting into professional help hence my Sertraline question earlier in the thread.  Am I open to ever resuming contact with my parents?  I'm genuinely not sure.  If I ever do it will have been thanks to a damn good counsellor and two excellent sisters.  In the meantime I'm just trying to build a healthy life one day at a time, they're firmly on the backburner.

[Steve_Guppy_Left_Foot]

One thing I've not seen on this page (only scanned) is that ssris can seriously mess with you sexually, it can make you not be able to get hard or not be able to reach climax. Both problems in their own way, depending on your circumstances. It's not something people tend to talk about as a side affect but it's definitely worth looking in to and considering. 

[Col city fan]

4 hours ago, Steve_Guppy_Left_Foot said:

One thing I've not seen on this page (only scanned) is that ssris can seriously mess with you sexually, it can make you not be able to get hard or not be able to reach climax. Both problems in their own way, depending on your circumstances. It's not something people tend to talk about as a side affect but it's definitely worth looking in to and considering. 

Very true. This can be an issue with many of the anti depressants. Premature ejaculation is often a very real problem.

As you say, this subject still seems ‘taboo’ to many 

[Buce]

6 hours ago, Steve_Guppy_Left_Foot said:

One thing I've not seen on this page (only scanned) is that ssris can seriously mess with you sexually, it can make you not be able to get hard or not be able to reach climax. Both problems in their own way, depending on your circumstances. It's not something people tend to talk about as a side affect but it's definitely worth looking in to and considering. 

 

1 hour ago, Col city fan said:

Very true. This can be an issue with many of the anti depressants. Premature ejaculation is often a very real problem.

As you say, this subject still seems ‘taboo’ to many 

 

For anyone needing chemical help but can't bear this side-effect (though in my experience retarded ejaculation is the main side effect with ssris) there is an ssri called mertazapine (sp?) that doesn't cause it.

[Buce]

9 hours ago, Carl the Llama said:

That's terrible. If you think it's possible for you I'd seriously consider going radio silent and getting some distance.  Also talking to someone else in the family you can trust.

 

Since there's a theme here I may as well fill you guys in on what I've been doing lately:
A couple of months ago I stopped contact with my parents entirely after years and years, decades even at this point, of trying to open dialogue on how they've negatively impacted my mental health and seeing how we can fix things moving forwards.  Literally told them how I feel my life is utterly pointless and I'm just waiting to die but I'm sadly too much a pussy to do it myself.  They just focused on something else I said in the same message that they took offense to (my mum coercing me into not getting psychiatric support when I was 17 or 18 and under their care) and claimed was a lie (it wasn't, she literally told me I could only see one if she was also in the room, obviously I was dead against that).  Couple of months of radio silence later and the waiting to die turned into one night where I was struck with the genuine conviction that I could actually do it with the right tools which I didn't own, after all one of my key excuses not to was always because no parent should go through that, but I've now fully accepted that they don't care, so...   

 

Lacking the tools to act on it the conviction passed and I regretted not having had the tools in the moment so I ordered the things I needed off Amazon and began the wait for another night of full conviction.  A couple of days later one of my sisters messaged me about something and I matter of factly mentioned in my reply that I don't know how long I'll be around for, I'm just waiting for the moment to come again, it didn't even occur to me that this might be a horrible message to receive from your brother or considered a cry for help of sorts, I was just giving her fair warning.  In my mind nobody would give it a moment's notice, my parents certainly never did when I mentioned things like that. 

 

That night I had the police at my door despite nobody in my family knowing my address.  Since then I've had so much support from my sisters and I'm finally getting into professional help hence my Sertraline question earlier in the thread.  Am I open to ever resuming contact with my parents?  I'm genuinely not sure.  If I ever do it will have been thanks to a damn good counsellor and two excellent sisters.  In the meantime I'm just trying to build a healthy life one day at a time, they're firmly on the backburner.

 

Great to hear you're getting some help, Carl, but if you ever find yourself in that position again, please remember that I - and others - are always available for a chat.

[ajthefox]

9 hours ago, Carl the Llama said:

That's terrible. If you think it's possible for you I'd seriously consider going radio silent and getting some distance.  Also talking to someone else in the family you can trust.

 

Since there's a theme here I may as well fill you guys in on what I've been doing lately:
A couple of months ago I stopped contact with my parents entirely after years and years, decades even at this point, of trying to open dialogue on how they've negatively impacted my mental health and seeing how we can fix things moving forwards.  Literally told them how I feel my life is utterly pointless and I'm just waiting to die but I'm sadly too much a pussy to do it myself.  They just focused on something else I said in the same message that they took offense to (my mum coercing me into not getting psychiatric support when I was 17 or 18 and under their care) and claimed was a lie (it wasn't, she literally told me I could only see one if she was also in the room, obviously I was dead against that).  Couple of months of radio silence later and the waiting to die turned into one night where I was struck with the genuine conviction that I could actually do it with the right tools which I didn't own, after all one of my key excuses not to was always because no parent should go through that, but I've now fully accepted that they don't care, so...   

 

Lacking the tools to act on it the conviction passed and I regretted not having had the tools in the moment so I ordered the things I needed off Amazon and began the wait for another night of full conviction.  A couple of days later one of my sisters messaged me about something and I matter of factly mentioned in my reply that I don't know how long I'll be around for, I'm just waiting for the moment to come again, it didn't even occur to me that this might be a horrible message to receive from your brother or considered a cry for help of sorts, I was just giving her fair warning.  In my mind nobody would give it a moment's notice, my parents certainly never did when I mentioned things like that. 

 

That night I had the police at my door despite nobody in my family knowing my address.  Since then I've had so much support from my sisters and I'm finally getting into professional help hence my Sertraline question earlier in the thread.  Am I open to ever resuming contact with my parents?  I'm genuinely not sure.  If I ever do it will have been thanks to a damn good counsellor and two excellent sisters.  In the meantime I'm just trying to build a healthy life one day at a time, they're firmly on the backburner.

Really pleased you're getting the help you need mate. I hope things get better for you.

[ozleicester]

9 hours ago, Carl the Llama said:

That's terrible. If you think it's possible for you I'd seriously consider going radio silent and getting some distance.  Also talking to someone else in the family you can trust.

 

Since there's a theme here I may as well fill you guys in on what I've been doing lately:
A couple of months ago I stopped contact with my parents entirely after years and years, decades even at this point, of trying to open dialogue on how they've negatively impacted my mental health and seeing how we can fix things moving forwards.  Literally told them how I feel my life is utterly pointless and I'm just waiting to die but I'm sadly too much a pussy to do it myself.  They just focused on something else I said in the same message that they took offense to (my mum coercing me into not getting psychiatric support when I was 17 or 18 and under their care) and claimed was a lie (it wasn't, she literally told me I could only see one if she was also in the room, obviously I was dead against that).  Couple of months of radio silence later and the waiting to die turned into one night where I was struck with the genuine conviction that I could actually do it with the right tools which I didn't own, after all one of my key excuses not to was always because no parent should go through that, but I've now fully accepted that they don't care, so...   

 

Lacking the tools to act on it the conviction passed and I regretted not having had the tools in the moment so I ordered the things I needed off Amazon and began the wait for another night of full conviction.  A couple of days later one of my sisters messaged me about something and I matter of factly mentioned in my reply that I don't know how long I'll be around for, I'm just waiting for the moment to come again, it didn't even occur to me that this might be a horrible message to receive from your brother or considered a cry for help of sorts, I was just giving her fair warning.  In my mind nobody would give it a moment's notice, my parents certainly never did when I mentioned things like that. 

 

That night I had the police at my door despite nobody in my family knowing my address.  Since then I've had so much support from my sisters and I'm finally getting into professional help hence my Sertraline question earlier in the thread.  Am I open to ever resuming contact with my parents?  I'm genuinely not sure.  If I ever do it will have been thanks to a damn good counsellor and two excellent sisters.  In the meantime I'm just trying to build a healthy life one day at a time, they're firmly on the backburner.

Good luck mate, hope all goes well.

Just a note... get rid of the "tools".  coupling of tools and thoughts is a huge risk.

[Phil Bowman]

9 hours ago, Carl the Llama said:

Am I open to ever resuming contact with my parents?  I'm genuinely not sure.  If I ever do it will have been thanks to a damn good counsellor and two excellent sisters.  In the meantime I'm just trying to build a healthy life one day at a time, they're firmly on the backburner.

Sounds like the backburner is the best place for them. Focus on the positive stuff - your sisters and your counsellor. If an improved relationship with your parents does come someday then all well and good, but that’d just be a bonus - you can build your healthy life either way.

[Carl the Llama]

37 minutes ago, ozleicester said:

Good luck mate, hope all goes well.

Just a note... get rid of the "tools".  coupling of tools and thoughts is a huge risk.

Already removed, my sister took them away with her the day after the police came by.

[urban.spaceman]

Thought I’d use my 20,000th post on this forum to just wish you all well, and to thank those of you who have helped rescue me when I’m low. 

[Wymsey]

3 minutes ago, urban.spaceman said:

Thought I’d use my 20,000th post on this forum to just wish you all well, and to thank those of you who have helped rescue me when I’m low. 

Hope you're doing ok and 'battling on' with life as well as possible.

[HighPeakFox]

6 minutes ago, urban.spaceman said:

Thought I’d use my 20,000th post on this forum to just wish you all well, and to thank those of you who have helped rescue me when I’m low. 

I think Depression is one of those things like checking for lumps - keep checking your mental state fella, even (and perhaps especially) on the good days.

[Raj]

I was diagnosed with cycloghemia  a few years ago, which is a lesser degree of bipolar.

By talking to my inner circle,especially the Mrs and my eldest daughter who is 12, but now can understand  why dad can be a twat now and again, things are all alot  better.

Still will have ups and downs but the family just take the p1ss which is our coping mechanism.

I've avoided taking the drugs and the quack who was brilliant  is happy with my progress.

Can chat at length about this BUT anyone in the first phase of such issues- just talk ...its THE most important  thing after you've accepted there is a problem.

Good luck to you all...

Edited 25 August 2021 by Raj

[Raj]

Reading this at the moment.

Hes the guy who sorted out Ronnie O Sullivan and many others.

 

Have a read, it might help.

 

[Ozwin]

Struggling recently. In 2 days it'll be a year since me and my long term gf broke up and I'm still not properly over it and I feel like I never will be. I feel my body and mind get anxious the closer the day comes and what doesn't help is that I have the week off. I just feel on edge the whole time and know I need to get out and do something to keep my mind busy, but equally I just want to stay in bed and break down and feel sorry for myself. I miss the life I used to have so much.

[urban.spaceman]

19 minutes ago, Ozwin said:

Struggling recently. In 2 days it'll be a year since me and my long term gf broke up and I'm still not properly over it and I feel like I never will be. I feel my body and mind get anxious the closer the day comes and what doesn't help is that I have the week off. I just feel on edge the whole time and know I need to get out and do something to keep my mind busy, but equally I just want to stay in bed and break down and feel sorry for myself. I miss the life I used to have so much.

You'll get there mate, it's just taking its time. Make a plan for the day to treat yourself, do something you really love doing and be kind to yourself for once. 

[Ozwin]

Think I'm gonna take myself off tonight and go camping. Booked at some random campsite in the peaks. Packed the car and some essentials, gonna go Asda and get some bits to eat and just wing it. If I feel like carrying it on for a few days then so be it. Gotta keep busy.

[stripeyfox]

1 hour ago, Ozwin said:

Think I'm gonna take myself off tonight and go camping. Booked at some random campsite in the peaks. Packed the car and some essentials, gonna go Asda and get some bits to eat and just wing it. If I feel like carrying it on for a few days then so be it. Gotta keep busy.

good plan mate. We're roughly at the same point in terms of being a year on from a major relationship ending. It is just over a year ago that my wife announced "I'm out" and it's been a tough time since then. However, if anything, I've felt a bit more relieved since the one year anniversary rolled over. Up to that point, I was constantly thinking "this time last year I was (reasonably) happily married".

 

Now that one year milestone is in the past, I am trying to use it as motivation to move forward.

I spent a few days in London on my own the week of "the anniversary" and it was great. Just did as I pleased and was good to get out of the house.

 

Just wing it mate. Camping is great, but if it pisses it down, then just get a B&B or whatever and carry on winging it!
 

Good luck bud

 

[Raj]

I've printed off the below and stuck it to where I work.

Read it, it may help someone.

 

Edited 31 August 2021 by Raj