Depression

[Guest MattP]

17 minutes ago, lifted*fox said:

Thanks Matt, I appreciate it.

 

It's weird, I've been quite down recently but there's some light at the end of the tunnel now and I've had a few highs recently so when the lows rear their ugly head they feel a bit lower than normal.

 

hopefully a win for the boys today and that firework display will seem like a much better idea.

 

Hope you're well today. 

It's been a terrible couple of weeks for me personally but I keep everything inside. A old friend died last week aged mid 40s and although I hadn't seen him for a while it hit me quite hard, I'm watching a family member I care deeply about need more and more help, another good friend is in hospital and then with Vichai on Saturday it sort of rounded it off. I've blubbed a few times this week.

 

It does give you a sense of perspective, for no reason whatsoever yesterday I went for a walk around New Parks where I used to stay at my grandparents - looking at the old house and the road and grass I used to play football on.

 

I felt for the first time in my life that I was getting old which is silly as I'm still young. Everything just feels so weird at the minute. I wouldn't pretend to understand what most in this thread are going through but the human mind is a fascinating thing.

[lifted*fox]

Just now, MattP said:

It's been a terrible couple of weeks for me personally but I keep everything inside. A old friend died last week aged mid 40s and although I hadn't seen him for a while it hit me quite hard, I'm watching a family member I care deeply about need more and more help, another good friend is in hospital and then with Vichai on Saturday it sort of rounded it off. I've blubbed a few times this week.

 

 It does give you a sense of perspective, for no reason whatsoever yesterday I went for a walk around New Parks where I used to stay at my grandparents - looking at the old house and the road and grass I used to play football on.

 

 I felt for the first time in my life that I was getting old which is silly as I'm still young. Everything just feels so weird at the minute. I wouldn't pretend to understand what most in this thread are going through but the human mind is a fascinating thing.

 

sorry you've been going through it recently mate - you don't need to keep it all in. I know we have our arguments on here but you can always PM me if you're feeling low.

 

there's a lot of strange things happening at the moment which when you add them all together they can take their toll a bit; especially on people who are quite emotionally aware.

 

and everyone in this thread is feeling nothing more or less important than yourself - we all have our problems on different levels but we can all help each other a bit. 

 

I'm sorry for your loss and I hope your family member and friend are ok too. 

[HighPeakFox]

Thoughts with you too @MattP

[Buce]

 

Just a quick post to say thanks to those who wished me well when I was down last week, particularly those who messaged me - it was greatly appreciated. I'm pleased to say, I have my head back on straight again (as Crinkly surmised, I am pretty resilient), so that's the demons beaten once more (till the next time, at least).

[Countryfox]

1 minute ago, Buce said:

 

Just a quick post to say thanks to those who wished me well when I was down last week, particularly those who messaged me - it was greatly appreciated. I'm pleased to say, I have my head back on straight again (as Crinkly surmised, I am pretty resilient), so that's the demons beaten once more (till the next time, at least).

Bucey 1  Demons 0 ....     

[cambridgefox]

Not poked my head in here much recently,but it doesn’t hurt to wish all those suffering my best wishes.

[Kopfkino]

I give up fighting my head now, I really do. Its the steps forward that destroy me, managed almost a week without feeling panic and dread, now back to at least a daily occurrence. Always convinced there's something wrong with me or something catastrophic is happening to me, not always panicking but almost always thinking it. No respite. Refuse to sleep just in case, tonight is likely to be another sleepless night or until I get so tired with worry that I can't stay awake. And now it's actually getting me down, I hate that I obsess this way, I hate myself for it. I'll see the doctor on Friday, that'll reassure me for a few days, he'll give me another prescription for SSRIs, I'll convince myself I don't want to take them soon after. Rinse and repeat. I'll go to therapy, feel emotionally drained such that I forget to be anxious for a bit and then it'll all come flooding back. Nothing helps, so tired of it.

[HighPeakFox]

3 minutes ago, Kopfkino said:

I give up fighting my head now, I really do. Its the steps forward that destroy me, managed almost a week without feeling panic and dread, now back to at least a daily occurrence. Always convinced there's something wrong with me or something catastrophic is happening to me, not always panicking but almost always thinking it. No respite. Refuse to sleep just in case, tonight is likely to be another sleepless night or until I get so tired with worry that I can't stay awake. And now it's actually getting me down, I hate that I obsess this way, I hate myself for it. I'll see the doctor on Friday, that'll reassure me for a few days, he'll give me another prescription for SSRIs, I'll convince myself I don't want to take them soon after. Rinse and repeat. I'll go to therapy, feel emotionally drained such that I forget to be anxious for a bit and then it'll all come flooding back. Nothing helps, so tired of it.

So sorry to hear this. If it helps, my therapist talked about panic being related to unresolved grief....maybe that will help you connect it internally.

[gw_leics772]

11 hours ago, Kopfkino said:

I give up fighting my head now, I really do. Its the steps forward that destroy me, managed almost a week without feeling panic and dread, now back to at least a daily occurrence. Always convinced there's something wrong with me or something catastrophic is happening to me, not always panicking but almost always thinking it. No respite. Refuse to sleep just in case, tonight is likely to be another sleepless night or until I get so tired with worry that I can't stay awake. And now it's actually getting me down, I hate that I obsess this way, I hate myself for it. I'll see the doctor on Friday, that'll reassure me for a few days, he'll give me another prescription for SSRIs, I'll convince myself I don't want to take them soon after. Rinse and repeat. I'll go to therapy, feel emotionally drained such that I forget to be anxious for a bit and then it'll all come flooding back. Nothing helps, so tired of it.

Can i recommend "lets talk - wellbeing"'s rolling 7 week stress control classroom/presentation with handouts based course.

 

It is a self referral service that my gp put me on to.  Low level cbt/self help but witha follow up with access to further help.

 

My issue is long term "medical depression" and although i dont really get anxiety anywhere near as bad, a lot of the stuff that was less relevant to me sounds right up your street.

 

Anythings got to be worth a try when you are at your lowest.

 

Good luck and Godspeed.

 

[stix]

I think I’m stuck in a bit of a hole at the minute. I’m not dealing with dads death well at all, none of us are. My company allows 1 paid day of leave for a parents passing, so I’ve had to come back to work almost without a break. We’ve been so busy getting everything put in place for the funeral that I’ve not really had a chance to let go, which has resulted in being a mess on the inside most of the time. 

 

I feel torn, I know I need time to grieve properly, but I also know that I need to get on. My Wife is currently off sick due to our loss, as is my sister, my mum doesn’t work, so in a way I felt like I needed to show everyone that it’s ok to carry on, I’m the head of the family know so I thought the best thing for me to do was to lead by example, but it isn’t helping me. I’ve never taken any sick time off other than self certifying, and I feel a massive amount of guilt contemplating it for my work. I don’t know what to do for the best. 

[Crinklyfox]

58 minutes ago, stix said:

I think I’m stuck in a bit of a hole at the minute. I’m not dealing with dads death well at all, none of us are. My company allows 1 paid day of leave for a parents passing, so I’ve had to come back to work almost without a break. We’ve been so busy getting everything put in place for the funeral that I’ve not really had a chance to let go, which has resulted in being a mess on the inside most of the time. 

 

I feel torn, I know I need time to grieve properly, but I also know that I need to get on. My Wife is currently off sick due to our loss, as is my sister, my mum doesn’t work, so in a way I felt like I needed to show everyone that it’s ok to carry on, I’m the head of the family know so I thought the best thing for me to do was to lead by example, but it isn’t helping me. I’ve never taken any sick time off other than self certifying, and I feel a massive amount of guilt contemplating it for my work. I don’t know what to do for the best. 

One day off is an inadequate amount of time - you have no chance of getting through the grieving process in that time.  It's OK for some to carry on, for others there are pressing priorities such as being with grieving family members and helping them get on with their lives.

 

I'm not impressed by your employer only offering you one day off.  I've tried to work very soon after the death of my mother, it didn't work out well and to be honest I wasn't of much use to my employer at that time.  If you want the guilt free option could you take some annual leave, or unpaid leave if you don't have any holiday left?  I know it's a financial impact but family are worth more than just money and it looks like they need you right now.  Spending your time helping them with dealing with their grief and the funeral could be better for you long term than a few days at work.

[whoareyaaa]

16 hours ago, Kopfkino said:

I give up fighting my head now, I really do. Its the steps forward that destroy me, managed almost a week without feeling panic and dread, now back to at least a daily occurrence. Always convinced there's something wrong with me or something catastrophic is happening to me, not always panicking but almost always thinking it. No respite. Refuse to sleep just in case, tonight is likely to be another sleepless night or until I get so tired with worry that I can't stay awake. And now it's actually getting me down, I hate that I obsess this way, I hate myself for it. I'll see the doctor on Friday, that'll reassure me for a few days, he'll give me another prescription for SSRIs, I'll convince myself I don't want to take them soon after. Rinse and repeat. I'll go to therapy, feel emotionally drained such that I forget to be anxious for a bit and then it'll all come flooding back. Nothing helps, so tired of it.

try smoking some weed if you haven't already, it brings stress, anxiety down and will make everything seem a bit easier and possibly help you esp if nothing else is helping its worth a try.

 

[Costock_Fox]

3 hours ago, stix said:

I think I’m stuck in a bit of a hole at the minute. I’m not dealing with dads death well at all, none of us are. My company allows 1 paid day of leave for a parents passing, so I’ve had to come back to work almost without a break. We’ve been so busy getting everything put in place for the funeral that I’ve not really had a chance to let go, which has resulted in being a mess on the inside most of the time. 

 

I feel torn, I know I need time to grieve properly, but I also know that I need to get on. My Wife is currently off sick due to our loss, as is my sister, my mum doesn’t work, so in a way I felt like I needed to show everyone that it’s ok to carry on, I’m the head of the family know so I thought the best thing for me to do was to lead by example, but it isn’t helping me. I’ve never taken any sick time off other than self certifying, and I feel a massive amount of guilt contemplating it for my work. I don’t know what to do for the best. 

Really sorry to hear that mate.

 

I can’t pretend to know what that must feel like and to suffer from mental health issues but the one piece of advice I would give is if you need to take time off work and I’m sure your family will understand. No company with their wits about them will challenge you in that situation.

 

When I say take time off I mean get signed off by a Dr, hopefully you get sick pay.

 

Edited 7 November 2018 by Costock_Fox

[gw_leics772]

2 hours ago, Crinklyfox said:

One day off is an inadequate amount of time - you have no chance of getting through the grieving process in that time.  It's OK for some to carry on, for others there are pressing priorities such as being with grieving family members and helping them get on with their lives.

 

I'm not impressed by your employer only offering you one day off.  I've tried to work very soon after the death of my mother, it didn't work out well and to be honest I wasn't of much use to my employer at that time.  If you want the guilt free option could you take some annual leave, or unpaid leave if you don't have any holiday left?  I know it's a financial impact but family are worth more than just money and it looks like they need you right now.  Spending your time helping them with dealing with their grief and the funeral could be better for you long term than a few days at work.

https://www.totaljobs.com/careers-advice/money-and-legal/a-guide-to-bereavement-leave

 

Have a look at that. 1 day is generally not enough. If you have a sick policy where you get paid, pull a sickie.

 

Also a doctor will undoubtedly sign you off with depression if you ask even if you have no history as it is a recognised response to grief.

 

Bottom line is that you need to take whatever you need, but getting paid is in no way guaranteed. However if you do have contractual sick pay, **** em. And im a business owner myself and it would be very difficult to get rid of someone for being sick. 

 

Disclaimer: some bosses are just *****, we've all had em. This has only come up because they are acting like one.

 

Look after yourself, as most of the time, no-one else is going to.

 

When i was employed, rhe warehouse manager took time off sick because his father in law died and his wife needed him. The boss said to me that he only had 2 days off when his wife died of cancer. He seemed to need it explaining to him that being the owner and md is slightly different to working in the warehouse.

[lifted*fox]

6 hours ago, stix said:

I think I’m stuck in a bit of a hole at the minute. I’m not dealing with dads death well at all, none of us are. My company allows 1 paid day of leave for a parents passing, so I’ve had to come back to work almost without a break. We’ve been so busy getting everything put in place for the funeral that I’ve not really had a chance to let go, which has resulted in being a mess on the inside most of the time. 

 

I feel torn, I know I need time to grieve properly, but I also know that I need to get on. My Wife is currently off sick due to our loss, as is my sister, my mum doesn’t work, so in a way I felt like I needed to show everyone that it’s ok to carry on, I’m the head of the family know so I thought the best thing for me to do was to lead by example, but it isn’t helping me. I’ve never taken any sick time off other than self certifying, and I feel a massive amount of guilt contemplating it for my work. I don’t know what to do for the best. 

 

hello mate, sorry for your loss.

 

I don't know what your company is like but I'd find and speak to a manager (your line manager), director or HR and explain to them about your situation.

 

whilst they only give one day officially, they might give you longer if you explain that you're struggling with the grief - potentially (if you can afford to) ask them for a couple of extra days unpaid - maybe a thursday / friday before a weekend to give you a good four day block to just sit and let things sink in.

 

if they're unable to accommodate you then I'd seriously question their ethics as a company - giving one day for the death of a parent is ****ing disgusting, quite frankly. 

 

also - don't zone in too much on thinking that even a few days / a week off will make anything any easier. I lost a best friend and my grandma in a short space and I was hurting for months and months - I still do. accept that your grief is going to be long-term and try to embrace it and spend time thinking of the good times - grieve for your dad in a positive way and take strength from it. 

 

you carrying on as you are will be hard but your wife and your sister will take positives from it and be proud of you. maybe once they're back up on their feet they will take the pressure off you and you can begin the process. 

 

stick in there man, it's a bumpy ride

[stix]

9 hours ago, lifted*fox said:

 also - don't zone in too much on thinking that even a few days / a week off will make anything any easier. I lost a best friend and my grandma in a short space and I was hurting for months and months - I still do. accept that your grief is going to be long-term and try to embrace it and spend time thinking of the good times - grieve for your dad in a positive way and take strength from it. 

 

you carrying on as you are will be hard but your wife and your sister will take positives from it and be proud of you. maybe once they're back up on their feet they will take the pressure off you and you can begin the process. 

 

stick in there man, it's a bumpy ride

 

Thanks, this is the route I am going to try and take. It’s all abit raw still at the minute and everybody’s emotions are all over the place and probably a little irrational too. His funeral is still over a week away, and it’s different this time because it’s one of my closest family members, but I have processed previous family losses much better after the service. I’ll get there, we all will, it’s just a different kind of grief to that which I have ever had to endure this time. 

 

Thanks again all x

[gw_leics772]

Not read it yet but in light of @stix post, jyst received this inan email from acas with the subject "stress, anxiety, mental health"

 

https://acasnational.cmail19.com/t/ViewEmail/r/7F1B89CF8703F6682540EF23F30FEDED/5599C95F0DB071F5405DC10595964AA8

 

[gw_leics772]

So, business shit still rumbling on.

 

Got a meeting that has been postponed 3 times now (on the day) to discuss arbitration and if he doesnt go ahead as previously agreed ive threatened to report him to his governing body and drag him through the displinary pages of his professional magazine.

 

That should make legal action easier.

 

Problem is im not sure he actually gives a shit and could out afford me on lengthy and expensive legal action.

 

Trouble is, to walk away loses me 5 figures tied up in the business (not to mention my long term business pmans shot to shit) and still might not be the end of it, as he genuinely just wants me to stay and work through it even though he is giving nothing. My legal contract is shit, not to mention my mental state.

 

Im fine in the meetings, very articulate, professional and get my point across but it falls on deaf ears, and i worry about it and mess up my own head in between. 

 

All bad meetings end up on a friday and **** me up for the weekend, impacts on my relationship etc etc but i NEED this meeting today now, regardless for my own sanity.

 

Wish me luck,

 

Oh and if anybody knows a good commercial legal person who does ft depression thread mates rates/ pro bono, give me a shout ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Paninistickers]

The Flat

 

I left my rented flat this weekend after a 2.5 year stay. I've bought my own small house now. Better for the kids.

 

I arrived at the flat in a pretty fragile state. My marriage had suddenly and abruptly collapsed. Terrible days.

 

Jacked my steady job in. And took a low paid job doing something I enjoyed, subsidising the low wage with savings. 

 

Such low moments at the flat. But it was like a friend too. Rebuilt myself bit by bit. Dead slow and ups and downs but the flat saw me gain a bit of traction. I remember the first good night after about a  month there, getting hammered with two Airbnb guests I was letting the spare room to for the weekend.

 

Got friendly with a couple if other residents and made some lovely friendships at my new job. All knew I was having a tough time.

 

First online bird banged after about 9 months, then, like busses, another bird from work soon after. Cue six months of flat action!

 

Had to quit the enjoyable low paid job for something that can sustain me. I ****ing hate it tho. 

 

Anyway, cleaned the gaff ready for handover tonight. And it brought a huge lump to my throat. I'll miss my old mate, the flat x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[BenTheFox]

I've found certain things difficult recently. I've moved to Manchester, I've started a new job, I live on my own and I don't know anybody. Doesn't help that I've made my fair share of blunders at work already. But yeah, it's not easy to adjust. 

Edited 19 November 2018 by BenTheFox

[Izzy]

56 minutes ago, BenTheFox said:

I've found certain things difficult recently. I've moved to Manchester, I've started a new job, I live on my own and I don't know anybody. Doesn't help that I've made my fair share of blunders at work already. But yeah, it's not easy to adjust. 

I was going to suggest that you reach out to see if there's any Manchester based Foxes on here and I see you've just started a thread 

 

Sounds like a brave move to up sticks on your own and start a new job in a new town on your todd. One thing I know about Manchester is that most of the people are very welcoming and good as gold. If there was one town I'd chose to go as a stranger to meet new people it would probably be there.

 

It takes time to adjust and you're bound to make a few blunders in a new job. You're human and we all make mistakes. Don't be too hard on yourself and try to enjoy the challenge. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger and I'm sure you'll look back on the experience as a positive step one day.

 

I moved to Hull for a few years in my mid twenties on my own for work, so know how you feel. Hull is a shit hole compared to Manchester but the people were great and within about 6 months I felt settled. I learnt a lot about life and about myself during that time and still have friends up there today.

 

And keep talking on here if you ever feel down mate.

[Strokes]

Really struggling lately, I’m all over the place truth be told. It just seems one thing after another, losing a good pal that I’ve known for nearly 30 years last week, my dads pretty unwell and I always suffer around this time of year with the adjustment to the lack of daylight. 

I really need to pull myself together, I can feel myself sliding towards despair again.

[lifted*fox]

2 minutes ago, Strokes said:

Really struggling lately, I’m all over the place truth be told. It just seems one thing after another, losing a good pal that I’ve known for nearly 30 years last week, my dads pretty unwell and I always suffer around this time of year with the adjustment to the lack of daylight. 

I really need to pull myself together, I can feel myself sliding towards despair again.

 

Always free to meet for a coffee if you wanna chat mate. Can't remember if you're in Leicester or not? I met up with Izzy recently so he can reassure you I'm not going to try and touch you up. 

[Strokes]

2 minutes ago, lifted*fox said:

 

Always free to meet for a coffee if you wanna chat mate. Can't remember if you're in Leicester or not? I met up with Izzy recently so he can reassure you I'm not going to try and touch you up. 

Cheers Daz,

Yeah I live in Leicester but tend to work anywhere but Leicester. Thanks for the offer mate, it appreciated, I’d like that sometime. 

[lifted*fox]

3 minutes ago, Strokes said:

Cheers Daz,

Yeah I live in Leicester but tend to work anywhere but Leicester. Thanks for the offer mate, it appreciated, I’d like that sometime. 

 

Just drop me a PM whenever dude and we can link up when it suits you.