What would you like to forget?

[Col city fan]

8 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

Well, it wasn't.

 

Her facial muscles had relaxed, and her false teeth had been removed, distorting her features even further. She looked like a completely different person.

Sorry to hear that mate. 

[Vacamion]

 

This thread:

 

"Merging Cultures' Darkplace".

 

I'm turning right around and leaving.

 

[foxy boxing]

id like to forget that I ever had amnesia  

[foxfanazer]

The Peter Taylor era.

 

 

 

[Livid]

1 hour ago, Buce said:

 

Seeing my mother after she died.

 

Whenever I think of her now, that is the image that I see.

I never went to see my Dad after he passed away for that reason and fingers crossed I outlive my Mum the same will apply on her passing away.

[Livid]

There's been some behaviour on a few drunken nights in the distant past I'm not to proud of.

[Kopfkino]

What lovely light-hearted reading to distract from the miserable weather outdoors.

 

My flatmate was telling me yesterday about a story this girl at work told him. She works at Heathrow during the week. Apparently there was a couple in security who dropped their baby as they walked through the scanners (bad enough) but then they found an incision on the baby's neck with Heroin hidden inside. That story made me feel queazy and angry so who knows how the people that saw it first hand must have felt. Would certainly be something I'd wish I could forget. Why are some people such *****?

[Wymsey]

Nothing personally, but watching the 9/11 twin towers collapse unfold is one such bad event that I wished I never saw.

Watching was horrific and felt like a film at the time that didnt feel real..

Edited 21 January 2018 by Wymeswold fox

[bovril]

Yeah not the thread to read when you're hungover and it's snowing outside. 

[ozleicester]

1 hour ago, Buce said:

 

Seeing my mother after she died.

 

Whenever I think of her now, that is the image that I see.

 

46 minutes ago, Col city fan said:

Bloody Hell Buce! I thought that was meant to be a therapeutic thing? Seeing your loved one at peace, type thing.

Sadly the lovely Mrs Oz said the same thing abiut her seeing her stepather.

 

Sorry to hear it mate... I recomend any one thinking about seeing a loved one who has passed... think very carefully.

[Merging Cultures]

41 minutes ago, Vacamion said:

 

This thread:

 

"Merging Cultures' Darkplace".

 

I'm turning right around and leaving.

 

Mwahahahahahahahahaaaaa

[Merging Cultures]

The memories don't have to be 'dark'!! I guess I started off a tad macabre. 

 

One more light hearted one I'd like to forget is when I was the lead in a musical at the age of about 13 I suppose, and I totally forgot the lines and the tune to a song. I stood there, frozen, and then ran off stage right!! Never done anything like it again!!

[the fox]

2 hours ago, Parafox said:

I wish I could forget my dad getting into my bed when I was 13. 

 

 

are you ok?

[Parafox]

1 hour ago, the fox said:

are you ok?

Thanks.

I've struggled for years and it's definitely had a long-term serious effect on my life, as you might expect. I've had a few counselling sessions over the years and I am currently having another go using CBT. 

 

I've never felt "normal". I never told anyone until about 20 years ago when I told my wife.

 

My dad passed away a few years back and I regret not challenging him about it.

 

Needless to say I never had a proper relationship with him after it happened (more than once btw) and I didn't really mourn his death.

 

I've blamed myself heavily but I'm coming to realise that I was not at fault. 

 

Since I "came out" about it, I've felt less uncomfortable about talking about it. 

 

Never thought I'd mention it on a football forum though 

[Alf Bentley]

3 hours ago, Buce said:

 

Seeing my mother after she died.

 

Whenever I think of her now, that is the image that I see.

 

3 hours ago, Col city fan said:

Bloody Hell Buce! I thought that was meant to be a therapeutic thing? Seeing your loved one at peace, type thing.

 

Sorry to hear that, Buce. Could you deliberately persuade your mind to conjure up a different, more positive memory of your mother?

 

Seeing my mother after her death was therapeutic. It's one of my last words to her that I'd like to forget - the word "hopefully".

 

She'd had a stroke 8 days earlier and was fully compos mentis, but paralysed down one side. I'd been into the hospital regularly and she was showing signs of improvement.

I was handing over to my brother and returning to Leicester, due back 2 days later for a meeting with the medics to discuss where she'd go for rehab. As I was hugging her goodbye, I said "Bye, Mum. See you Tuesday hopefully".

She seemed to look at me quizzically when I said "hopefully". I didn't mean anything by it. I fully expected to see her 2 days later. It was just something I was in the habit of saying.

5-6 hours later, I got a call from my brother to say that she had had another stroke and had died. With hindsight, I think that I must have been in shock afterwards. The closest that I can get to describing the feeling is that it was as if all my veins and vital organs had been filled with liquid lead. I opted to see my Mum's body as I wanted to say a proper goodbye and couldn't imagine feeling any worse as a result. In fact, I immediately felt a lot better - deeply sad but a much healthier, more relaxed sadness. It was as if my brain hadn't been accepting the reality of her death until then, but when I saw her and touched her, it did. 

 

When I remember my use of the word "hopefully", I try to remember 20 minutes earlier instead, when my uncle left her bedside and she flamboyantly blew kisses after him with her one good arm - or some earlier good memory.

 

When my Dad died, I opted not to see his body precisely because I didn't want to spoil a great last memory of him. I was down with him 2 days before he died and he was increasingly frail. As I was leaving, for the third time in a few months I wondered whether I'd see him alive again (he'd rallied the other times). So I decided to look back through his bedroom door. He was lying there all frail but saw me and gave me a lovely warm smile as if to say that he was at peace with the world and that he had really enjoyed my visit. A fantastic memory that I cherish enormously. I do wish that I'd not said that word "hopefully" to my Mum, though. 

[the fox]

16 minutes ago, Parafox said:

Thanks.

I've struggled for years and it's definitely had a long-term serious effect on my life, as you might expect. I've had a few counselling sessions over the years and I am currently having another go using CBT. 

 

I've never felt "normal". I never told anyone until about 20 years ago when I told my wife.

 

My dad passed away a few years back and I regret not challenging him about it.

 

Needless to say I never had a proper relationship with him after it happened 1-(more than once btw) and I didn't really mourn his death.

 

2-I've blamed myself heavily but I'm coming to realise that I was not at fault. 

 

Since I "came out" about it, I've felt less uncomfortable about talking about it. 

 

Never thought I'd mention it on a football forum though 

1-and neither should you! i was already mad enough but more than once? hope he didn't go out easily

 

2- para, pls don't blame yourself, mate. it's that piece of human filth that should take all the blame. it's quite the traumatizing experience and i applaud your ability to move on with your life. lesser men would handeled this alot worse. what happened is already bad enough but thinking that you blame yourself for what happened isn't fair to you. i'm sorry you didn't get the pleasure of experiencing a normal relationship.

 

3-you can say whatever you want about foxestalk, but one thing's for certain, we have many decent human beings that are more than happy to offer an advice.

 

 

Edited 21 January 2018 by the fox

[Alf Bentley]

4 hours ago, Wookie said:

A shit I had in Ecuador, we were already in the arse end of nowhere and we walked an hour further into the arsehole of nowhere in this tiny village. It was like the Trainspotting toilet but much more third world with mosquitoes and bloody toilet paper on the floor. Honestly I wish I’d just shat in a bush. 

 

I've a similar toilet memory. Mentioned it before I think...... Belgrade railway station 1987.

 

It was mid-summer and oppressively hot. My mate and I arrived into Belgrade after a long train journey (from Zagreb?). The old bowels were a bit loose, so I was pretty desperate.

Found the station toilet and looked inside. It was a hole-in-the-ground toilet, never good news, but this one obviously hadn't been cleaned for several months. The pile of multi-coloured human dung surrounding the hole must have been 1-2ft high, it was covered in flies and the stench made you gag. Given my desperation, though, I had no option but to use the facility. I've never been been back to Belgrade in 30 years since and the thought of that station toilet still leaves me queasy. 

[Buce]

23 minutes ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

 

Sorry to hear that, Buce. Could you deliberately persuade your mind to conjure up a different, more positive memory of your mother?

 

Seeing my mother after her death was therapeutic. It's one of my last words to her that I'd like to forget - the word "hopefully".

 

She'd had a stroke 8 days earlier and was fully compos mentis, but paralysed down one side. I'd been into the hospital regularly and she was showing signs of improvement.

I was handing over to my brother and returning to Leicester, due back 2 days later for a meeting with the medics to discuss where she'd go for rehab. As I was hugging her goodbye, I said "Bye, Mum. See you Tuesday hopefully".

She seemed to look at me quizzically when I said "hopefully". I didn't mean anything by it. I fully expected to see her 2 days later. It was just something I was in the habit of saying.

5-6 hours later, I got a call from my brother to say that she had had another stroke and had died. With hindsight, I think that I must have been in shock afterwards. The closest that I can get to describing the feeling is that it was as if all my veins and vital organs had been filled with liquid lead. I opted to see my Mum's body as I wanted to say a proper goodbye and couldn't imagine feeling any worse as a result. In fact, I immediately felt a lot better - deeply sad but a much healthier, more relaxed sadness. It was as if my brain hadn't been accepting the reality of her death until then, but when I saw her and touched her, it did. 

 

When I remember my use of the word "hopefully", I try to remember 20 minutes earlier instead, when my uncle left her bedside and she flamboyantly blew kisses after him with her one good arm - or some earlier good memory.

 

When my Dad died, I opted not to see his body precisely because I didn't want to spoil a great last memory of him. I was down with him 2 days before he died and he was increasingly frail. As I was leaving, for the third time in a few months I wondered whether I'd see him alive again (he'd rallied the other times). So I decided to look back through his bedroom door. He was lying there all frail but saw me and gave me a lovely warm smile as if to say that he was at peace with the world and that he had really enjoyed my visit. A fantastic memory that I cherish enormously. I do wish that I'd not said that word "hopefully" to my Mum, though. 

 

I can and do, Alf, but it takes a conscious effort. I'm not traumatised by it, it's just an unwanted image of her.

 

Needless to say, I didn't view my father.

[Buce]

56 minutes ago, Parafox said:

Thanks.

I've struggled for years and it's definitely had a long-term serious effect on my life, as you might expect. I've had a few counselling sessions over the years and I am currently having another go using CBT. 

 

I've never felt "normal". I never told anyone until about 20 years ago when I told my wife.

 

My dad passed away a few years back and I regret not challenging him about it.

 

Needless to say I never had a proper relationship with him after it happened (more than once btw) and I didn't really mourn his death.

 

I've blamed myself heavily but I'm coming to realise that I was not at fault. 

 

Since I "came out" about it, I've felt less uncomfortable about talking about it. 

 

Never thought I'd mention it on a football forum though 

 

That's the bravest post I've ever seen, Para.

 

You have my utmost respect.

[Buce]

48 minutes ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

 

Sorry to hear that, Buce. Could you deliberately persuade your mind to conjure up a different, more positive memory of your mother?

 

Seeing my mother after her death was therapeutic. It's one of my last words to her that I'd like to forget - the word "hopefully".

 

She'd had a stroke 8 days earlier and was fully compos mentis, but paralysed down one side. I'd been into the hospital regularly and she was showing signs of improvement.

I was handing over to my brother and returning to Leicester, due back 2 days later for a meeting with the medics to discuss where she'd go for rehab. As I was hugging her goodbye, I said "Bye, Mum. See you Tuesday hopefully".

She seemed to look at me quizzically when I said "hopefully". I didn't mean anything by it. I fully expected to see her 2 days later. It was just something I was in the habit of saying.

5-6 hours later, I got a call from my brother to say that she had had another stroke and had died. With hindsight, I think that I must have been in shock afterwards. The closest that I can get to describing the feeling is that it was as if all my veins and vital organs had been filled with liquid lead. I opted to see my Mum's body as I wanted to say a proper goodbye and couldn't imagine feeling any worse as a result. In fact, I immediately felt a lot better - deeply sad but a much healthier, more relaxed as long as something doesn't prevent . It was as if my brain hadn't been accepting the reality of her death until then, but when I saw her and touched her, it did. 

 

When I remember my use of the word "hopefully", I try to remember 20 minutes earlier instead, when my uncle left her bedside and she flamboyantly blew kisses after him with her one good arm - or some earlier good memory.

 

When my Dad died, I opted not to see his body precisely because I didn't want to spoil a great last memory of him. I was down with him 2 days before he died and he was increasingly frail. As I was leaving, for the third time in a few months I wondered whether I'd see him alive again (he'd rallied the other times). So I decided to look back through his bedroom door. He was lying there all frail but saw me and gave me a lovely warm smile as if to say that he was at peace with the world and that he had really enjoyed my visit. A fantastic memory that I cherish enormously. I do wish that I'd not said that word "hopefully" to my Mum, though. 

 

I'm pretty sure feelings of guilt of some kind are commonplace under these circumstances, Alf. All I can say is that if you'd uttered those words to me, I would have taken it as meaning that as long as unforeseen circumstance doesn't occur to prevent you from being there. Your perceived interpretation of it wouldn't have crossed my mind.

[Alf Bentley]

18 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

I'm pretty sure feelings of guilt of some kind are commonplace under these circumstances, Alf. All I can say is that if you'd uttered those words to me, I would have taken it as meaning that as long as unforeseen circumstance doesn't occur to prevent you from being there. Your perceived interpretation of it wouldn't have crossed my mind.

 

Yes, that was certainly what I meant, insofar as I thought about it at all. That might have been how my Mum took it and I might have imagined her looking quizzically at me (she did look).

Like you, it's not something that traumatises me, just something I wish that I hadn't said and didn't have to remember. I'm pretty good at avoiding guilt - even too quick to excuse myself, I sometimes think. I take the view that we're all human and all make mistakes, so shouldn't worry about it too much so long as we learn from important mistakes and don't do anything truly horrendous. I don't blame myself for that "mis-speak" to my Mum, just regret the memory.

[the fox]

you have to feel for @Buce on this, the man obviously loves his mum, it isn't easy to have that kind of imagery pop up everytime you think about a loved one.

 

 my old man died of cancer at 58 4 years ago (he didn't go out in the best of shape to say the least), it kinda helps that he had a relieved face when i saw his dead body that i didn't see for a long time . the "it's all over now and i'm ok with it" kinda expression. think a scenario like buce's would have destroyed me

 

 try to remember the last time she told you "i love you", hopefully it helps 

[Parafox]

30 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

That's the bravest post I've ever seen, Para.

 

You have my utmost respect.

Thank you mate. I really thought hard about posting but I decided that I could let this out on here because it's largely anonymous and that most of the FT folk would not judge.

I am what I am because of life's experiences, just as we all are. I'm not bitter or angry, I'm disappointed, saddened and I just wish it had never happened because, as a result, my dad became someone I didn't know anymore. I wish I had the relationship with my dad that I see others having. 

I feel robbed of that. He denied me the relationship a son should have with his dad, the man I looked up to and admired until he did what he did.

I've done all I can to do the best with my life. I could have folded and given up but I tried to not be a victim, even though I am.

Maybe this needs a different thread. Sorry to be so moribund. Even so it's therapeutic. I know this will disappear into the depths of FT over time, but right now, it's helping. 

Thank you to those that have taken the time to read and respond. I didn't post for reactions but thank you 

[Parafox]

Jeez. Who knew what this topic would reveal?

 

I'm sure MG had no idea.

[Jattdogg]

Wow some tough moments on here and much love to you all who have endured some tough  moments.  Including the bloody bog paper incident. 

 

For me i'd definitely have to say watching my mum wither away to colon cancer and watch her take her last breath. I dont ever forget the moment she took that last breath. Heart break summed up in a moment. It pains me to this day when i think about it. Wont ever get over it but ive learnd to accept it as i know she's not suffering anymore. She was 57 when she passed. I was still at living at home  when she was sufferng from the pain of her mass in the colon and going through chemo/radiation.  She would cry in agony every night. Hearing your mum cry like that is horrible because you cant do f-all about it. 

 

Some others:

-various 1 minute marathon sex sessions with the ladies as a teenager. 

 

-killing a mouse with a garden spade. I was doing some garden work and the cvnt popped out in front of me and my instant reaction was to smash it..... but the angle i was on led me to chopping it straight in half. Poor mouse. Threw it over the fence (onto a sidewalk)  so some birds or animals could eat it. Not thinking perhaps a kid might see it. probably created a serial killer.