The joke thread

[Aus Fox]

On 05/09/2018 at 16:46, woznotwos said:

I went to a fancy underwear shop and asked if a pair of knickers were satin .

The assistant replied 'No , they're new .'

How good is Gary Delany

[Milo]

11 hours ago, Aus Fox said:

How good is Gary Delany

Was that the guy that did the previous few jokes? Saw a clip called something like '10 minutes of one liners' last week and it was hilarious. 

 

Never heard of him before - he looks like an estate agent or something

[The Bear]

He's Sarah Millican's partner. 

[Parafox]

On ‎06‎/‎09‎/‎2018 at 10:31, Aus Fox said:

How good is Gary Delany

Repetitive, if you check YouTube, Amazon, Netflix, etc.

[Parafox]

12 hours ago, The Bear said:

He's Sarah Millican's partner. 

Say's it all. Repetitive, albeit funny the first time round, but that's their only content. Watch it once. You will never need to watch Millican or Delaney ever again... ever. I tried. It's like mowing your lawn, the same every time.

[notnow john]

I enrolled on a book binding course,on the first day

they made me feel a tome,

[woollett the bullet]

My wife went on one of those 'I speak your weight machines' recently.

She stood on the scales , put her 50p In the slot, and the machine screams out

" hold on hold on , one at a fvcking time

[Alf Bentley]

I hear that Bonnie Tyler is distraught after her local pub was destroyed by a gas explosion.

Apparently it was a total eclipse of The Hart.

[Countryfox]

1 minute ago, Alf Bentley said:

I hear that Bonnie Tyler is distraught after her local pub was destroyed by a gas explosion.

Apparently it was a total eclipse of The Hart.

 

Sorry Alf, but that joke really is sh1te ....     back to the politics thread for you methinks ...   

[Bob Weasel Fox]

Two things people should know about me

 

1) my knob is the same size as two Argos pencils placed end to end

 

2) I’m banned from Argos

[Bob Weasel Fox]

I was gutted today when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5 year old son wasn't actually mine...
She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school...

[woollett the bullet]

Took the Mrs doctors today to try and find a cure for her tourettes . . . .

Turns out she doesn't actually have it ,and I really am a cvnting b@stard and she does want me to fvck off

[Smudge]

I surprised my wife tonight. She was delighted with her bunch of flowers until I told her I'd ripped my pants on the cemetery gate

[woollett the bullet]

My friend passed away because I couldn't remember his blood type.

As he lay dying in my arms he just kept saying " be positive , be positive "  . . . . But its so hard without him.

[Izzy]

On 01/04/2018 at 22:11, Izzy Muzzett said:

Recently when my elderly father was severely ill in hospital, we couldn't remember what his blood group was.

 

But it was lovely to hear his last dying words words telling us all to be positive.

 

7 minutes ago, woollett the bullet said:

My friend passed away because I couldn't remember his blood type.

As he lay dying in my arms he just kept saying " be positive , be positive "  . . . . But its so hard without him.

Elderly father or friend.......works equally as well 

[justfoxes]

The teacher asks the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

[justfoxes]

Johnny is back at school and the teacher asks to make a sentence using the words and a pistol too

 Little Molly puts her hand up  and the teacher asks her what is her sentence Molly replies my daddy is a policeman he has a suit of blue he has a big big truncheon and a pistol to !

 

Nobody else put their hands up then Johnny put his hand up and said me miss

 The teacher  says go-ahead Johnny Johnny replies 

 My daddy hasn’t got a job he hasn’t got a suit of blue he signs on the dole at half past nine and he’s out on the piss till 2 !

[justfoxes]

Popped into Aldi’s near my mates the other day I’m not saying it’s rough round there but His Aldi’s are selling Father’s Day cards in packs of 5’s !!?

[justfoxes]

Mick Shamus and paddy are sitting in the bar 

Mick says “women are so stupid my wife has just bought a car and she can’t even drive!”

Shamus pipes up “ yeah my wife’s on a diet and she’s not even fat!”

To which Paddy says “ That’s Fuchs all my wife’s taken 50 condoms to Benidorm and she hasn’t even got a cock!”

Edited 17 September 2018 by justfoxes

[bovril]

On 11/09/2018 at 10:46, Alf Bentley said:

I hear that Bonnie Tyler is distraught after her local pub was destroyed by a gas explosion.

Apparently it was a total eclipse of The Hart.

I suppose respect that you actually seem to be writing your own stuff

[Countryfox]

 

 

[Wolfox]

Just heard JK Rowling talk about the 20 year anniversary of Harry Potter, I don’t think anyone has milked a small wizard this much since Debbie McGee.

 

[Izzy]

On leaving the supermarket earlier today I saw a chubby woman at the bus stop.

 

"When's it due?" I asked her

 

She replied "I'm not pregnant you cheeky bastard!"

 

I said "I meant the bus, fatso" 

[Wolfox]

Husband and wife are watching TV and the husband starts to moan.

-Come on, this is utter bollocks! You wimmin will listen to any old crap, this is just unbelievable, impossible even. Tell you what, I'll bet you a hundred quid there is nothing you can say to me that will "make me feel happy and sad at the same time".

-You have a lot bigger dick than any of your friends.

[Alf Bentley]

On 17/09/2018 at 22:35, bovril said:

I suppose respect that you actually seem to be writing your own stuff

 

Only 100% fresh-grown jokes at Alf's Comedy Store.....yet somehow the produce is still rotten.