The joke thread

[Izzy]

7 minutes ago, jonthefox said:

 

 

mime

 

verb

gerund or present participle: miming

1. 1.

   use only gesture and movement to act out (a play or role).

   "a mimed play"
2. 2.

   pretend to sing or play an instrument as a recording is being played.

   "singers on television often mime to pre-recorded tape tracks"

[Jimothy]

32 minutes ago, Izzy said:

I used to get told off in assembly for miming during hymns.

 

Everyone else was singing 'Morning Has Broken' and I was pretending to be trapped in a glass box.

[Izzy]

Just now, Facecloth said:

mime

 

verb

gerund or present participle: miming

1. 1.

   use only gesture and movement to act out (a play or role).

   "a mimed play"
2. 2.

   pretend to sing or play an instrument as a recording is being played.

   "singers on television often mime to pre-recorded tape tracks"

[Jimothy]

Just now, Izzy said:

mime

 

verb

gerund or present participle: miming

1. 1.

   use only gesture and movement to act out (a play or role).

   "a mimed play"
2. 2.

   pretend to sing or play an instrument as a recording is being played.

   "singers on television often mime to pre-recorded tape tracks"

Oh I got the joke, its just 

[Strokes]

28 minutes ago, Facecloth said:

Oh I got the joke, its just 

[ozleicester]

My BDSM community took me to court for not being hardcore enough. I got off with just a slap on the wrist.

[Aus Fox]

Did you hear about the American football player who lost 75% of his spine?

Apparently he’s a quarterback 

[StanSP]

 

 

[Aus Fox]

As I went out for my 1 hour of exercise today I witnessed the most bizarre thing. Two ducks sitting at a table with a sign in front of them which read ‘Will talk for $5’ 

All of a sudden the police rock up and both ducks were arrested.

Apparently they were selling quack.

[Blarmy]

2 hours ago, Aus Fox said:

As I went out for my 1 hour of exercise today I witnessed the most bizarre thing. Two ducks sitting at a table with a sign in front of them which read ‘Will talk for $5’ 

All of a sudden the police rock up and both ducks were arrested.

Apparently they were selling quack.

[Trav Le Bleu]

They say time heals all wounds.

 

 

Try telling a eunuch that!

[Bob Weasel Fox]

I asked my Scottish girlfriend to rate my listening skills.. She said you’re an 8 on a scale of 10…

...why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton I'll never know!

[Wolfox]

Ordered 4 Kindles from Amazon and they sent me a Two Ronnie's DVD.

 

 

[Jimothy]

A confused Gareth Bale has explained how his loan move came about.

 

"I was deciding which shot to take on the 11th, and chose a 6 iron. My agent said "choose a smaller club" and the next thing I know I am on a plane to Spurs!!"

[Big Dave]

I’m not big on innuendo jokes, but I do like to slip one in every now and again.

[Milo]

Coronavirus, the flu, and a common cold walk into a bar at 9:59pm.
The bartender asks "What is this? Some kind of sick joke?"

[Aus Fox]

Two cowboys walking through the desert, hungry and thirsty when one of them spots a bacon tree up ahead.

They both run towards it only to find themselves surrounded by bandits and have bullets flying towards them.
With his last breath one cowboy turns to the other and says “I don’t think it was a bacon tree, I think it was a ham Bush”

[Bob Weasel Fox]

I’ve just heard my window cleaner shouting and swearing outside my house…

I think he’s lost his rag!

[Milo]

Just got back from my local Tesco.

 

I saw a bloke buying 4 crates of San Miguel, 5 paellas and 3 sombrero's.

 

I though to myself....

 

Hispanic buying.  

[Izzy]

My six-year-old daughter was watching me shave this morning.

 

"Why do you shave, Daddy?" she enquired.

 

"Because Mummy likes me with nice smooth skin" I explained. "Here, have a feel"

 

"Does it hurt?" she asked.

 

"No, not at all" I said. "Unless I cut myself".

 

"And then do you put a plaster on?" she asked.

 

"No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts" I told her.

 

"But don't they just fall off?"

 

"No, sweetheart" I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on".

 

[Ian Nacho]

This fat girl at work is always listening to Cardi B. She should try Cardi O for a change. 

[Trav Le Bleu]

13 hours ago, Izzy said:

My six-year-old daughter was watching me shave this morning.

 

"Why do you shave, Daddy?" she enquired.

 

"Because Mummy likes me with nice smooth skin" I explained. "Here, have a feel"

 

"Does it hurt?" she asked.

 

"No, not at all" I said. "Unless I cut myself".

 

"And then do you put a plaster on?" she asked.

 

"No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts" I told her.

 

"But don't they just fall off?"

 

"No, sweetheart" I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on".

 

Pervert

 

 

 

I'd edit that bit out if I were you 

Edited 4 October 2020 by Trav Le Bleu

[Jimothy]

1 hour ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

Pervert

 

 

 

I'd edit that bit out if I were you 

That makes the joke  Sends you in one direction before going completely the opposite way.

Edited 4 October 2020 by Facecloth

[Trav Le Bleu]

1 hour ago, Facecloth said:

That makes the joke  Sends you in one direction before going completely the opposite way.

I dunno, I full expect the paedophile mobs to be camped outside Izzy's house any time soon.

[Jimothy]

8 minutes ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

I dunno, I full expect the paedophile mobs to be camped outside Izzy's house any time soon.

He's used to it by now.