The joke thread

[1972 Fox]

On 16/07/2020 at 19:49, The Bear said:

Best mate just told me he failed his aboriginal music exam a few months ago.

 

I asked him, "did you re-do it?"

Reminded me of a Tommy Cooper classic.....

 

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

 

Edited 17 July 2020 by Blue Fox 72

[Izzy]

My neighbour with the big boobs has been walking up and down the garden topless all day.

 

Just wish his wife would do the same.

[UpTheLeagueFox]

15 hours ago, Blue Fox 72 said:

Reminded me of a Tommy Cooper classic.....

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

Sounds like a Tim Vine gag but you can imagine TC saying it.

[Jimothy]

5 minutes ago, UpTheLeagueFox said:

Sounds like a Tim Vine gag but you can imagine TC saying it.

Lots of Tim Vine jokes get attributed to Cooper. That one is definitely a Vine joke.

[MPH]

On 17/07/2020 at 02:53, Blue Fox 72 said:

Reminded me of a Tommy Cooper classic.....

 

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

 

 

On 17/07/2020 at 18:06, UpTheLeagueFox said:

Sounds like a Tim Vine gag but you can imagine TC saying it.

 

On 17/07/2020 at 18:12, Facecloth said:

Lots of Tim Vine jokes get attributed to Cooper. That one is definitely a Vine joke.

 

 

It was the opening joke of Tim Vine’s first performance in Australia.... 2009 i believe 

Edited 18 July 2020 by MPH

[Ian Nacho]

What’s worse than ants in your pants? 
 

 

Michael Jackson. 

[Wolfox]

Whoever stole my antidepressants



I hope you're happy now

[Bob Weasel Fox]

Scientists have grown vocal cords in a laboratory. 
The result speak for themselves.

[Bob Weasel Fox]

I’ve just finished building a model of Mount Everest.

My mate asked “Is it to scale?”

“No” I replied, “It’s to look at”

[adam1]

[Bob Weasel Fox]

I hate it when people get all intellectual and talk about Mozart.

I bet they've never even seen one of his paintings.

[Bob Weasel Fox]

We all know who Karl Marx was.

No one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol...

[ajthefox]

On 27/07/2020 at 12:16, Bob Weasel Fox said:

We all know who Karl Marx was.

No one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol...

Or his brother Skid. Infamously dirty.

[Wolfox]

9 hours ago, ajthefox said:

Or his brother Skid. Infamously dirty.

Or his little Thai brother Top (Who always did well at school!)

[Tinman]

[Ian Nacho]

Joelinton is the worst Brazilian since Stevie Wonder shaved his wife’s fanny. 

[Head Honcho]

Some bloke accused me of stalking his wife. Cheeky twat should look out, I know where he lives!

[Head Honcho]

53,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a 'Geordies Are Not Stupid' convention.
Alan Shearer addresses the crowd 'We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid.
Can I have a volunteer please?'

Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

Shearer asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?' After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says, 'Eighteen!'

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.
Then the Geordies start chanting, 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

Shearer says 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.
So he asks 'What is 5 plus 5?' After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, 'Ninety?'

Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.
Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying.
But then the 53,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, 'GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!'

Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says,

'What is 2 plus 2? 'Silence hangs over the stadium. Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?'

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream

'GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!'

[The Bear]

21 hours ago, Tinman said:

Except his surname is Depardieu. 

 

May as well be if she married Scooby Doo. She'd be called Whoopi Doo. 

[Parafox]

9 hours ago, The Bear said:

Except his surname is Depardieu. 

 

May as well be if she married Scooby Doo. She'd be called Whoopi Doo. 

May I direct you to the Pedantry Central thread?

 

I've been there myself. My name is Nick, I was "affectionately" know as "pernickety" Nick when I was a prefect at school.

 

Edited 31 July 2020 by Parafox

[Trav Le Bleu]

9 hours ago, The Bear said:

Except his surname is Depardieu. 

 

May as well be if she married Scooby Doo. She'd be called Whoopi Doo. 

I thought his surname has Butler?

 

Still doesn't make sense though.

[Jimothy]

On 30/07/2020 at 16:02, Head Honcho said:

53,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a 'Geordies Are Not Stupid' convention.
Alan Shearer addresses the crowd 'We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid.
Can I have a volunteer please?'

Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

Shearer asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?' After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says, 'Eighteen!'

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.
Then the Geordies start chanting, 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

Shearer says 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.
So he asks 'What is 5 plus 5?' After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, 'Ninety?'

Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.
Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying.
But then the 53,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, 'GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!'

Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says,

'What is 2 plus 2? 'Silence hangs over the stadium. Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?'

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream

'GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!'

I sent this to my Geordie mate, and his only complaint was that St James' Park only holds 52,000.

[Trav Le Bleu]

Just now, Facecloth said:

I sent this to my Geordie mate, and his only complaint was that St James' Park only holds 52,000.

Give him another chance!

[The Bear]

2 hours ago, Parafox said:

May I direct you to the Pedantry Central thread?

 

I've been there myself. My name is Nick, I was "affectionately" know as "pernickety" Nick when I was a prefect at school.

 

My name is Nick too....... 

 

[The Syrup]

I'm planning on selling my John Lennon record collection on Ebay.

 

Imagine all the PayPal