The joke thread

[Bob666]

[Bob Weasel Fox]

I’ve been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and I’m getting really pissed off.

It keeps asking me, ‘Where do you want to go?'

So I click on the icon that says ‘Home’ and then it makes me start all over again.

[Tinman]

[Alf Bentley]

40 minutes ago, Tinman said:

 

Sorry, mate. The job's been cancelled.

 

Cat's Afro-Caribbean partner reckoned you were too expensive and she's pulled the plug.

 

You know how it is....... Black bird has spoken like the first bird. 

[Izzy]

32 minutes ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

Sorry, mate. The job's been cancelled.

 

Cat's Afro-Caribbean partner reckoned you were too expensive and she's pulled the plug.

 

You know how it is....... Black bird has spoken like the first bird. 

[Countryfox]

33 minutes ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

Sorry, mate. The job's been cancelled.

 

Cat's Afro-Caribbean partner reckoned you were too expensive and she's pulled the plug.

 

You know how it is....... Black bird has spoken like the first bird. 

 

[worth_the_wait]

Apologies as a bit un-PC, but here's an old Hospital joke ...

 

"Do you want the good news, or the bad news?"
"Give me the bad new first, doctor"
"You've got Aids"
"What's the good news?"
"You've got Alzheimer's too"
"Thank heavens.  I thought you were going to tell me I'd got Aids"

[Wolfox]

Wife and I had a few drinks last night and one thing leads to another.

She turns to me in bed with a wicked grin and tells me to turn out the light, and she'll take it up arse.

With the benefit of hindsight, I probably should have waited for the bulb to cool down.

[Aus Fox]

I really don’t understand all this text speak, messages these days just appear to be a list of letters. Lol, rofl, smh and here I am not having a clue what they all mean.

So I asked the young lad at work what tbh and idk mean.

He said to be honest, I don’t know. And I’m still none the wiser.

[Parafox]

It's been a while so I thought it was time to reprise my favourite (and only) medical joke:

 

I took a man to A&E last week with ruptured testicles. 

We took him into the cubicle and the doctor came in for handover. 

"How did you get this injury"?  the doc asked.

"I was trying to shove my balls up my arse", the man replied.

"Rectum"! said the doc.

"Oh no, I've not, have I"? gasped the patient.

 

 

[ozleicester]

My wife was a little disappointed when I bought some new beads for her abacus for our anniversary.

But i said...

"Honey, it’s the little things that count!"

[Parafox]

5 hours ago, ozleicester said:

My wife was a little disappointed when I bought some new beads for her abacus for our anniversary.

But i said...

"Honey, it’s the little things that count!"

Edited 10 August 2020 by Parafox

[Izzy]

I was at a funeral recently for a Covid pandemic victim

I asked the widow if I might say something

"Of course", she said

I stood up and said "Your appointment was at 3:15 this afternoon"

"Thank you" she replied - "it was a testing time for me" 

[jonthefox]

1 hour ago, Izzy said:

I was at a funeral recently for a Covid pandemic victim

I asked the widow if I might say something

"Of course", she said

I stood up and said "Your appointment was at 3:15 this afternoon"

"Thank you" she replied - "it was a testing time for me" 

[Izzy]

8 minutes ago, jonthefox said:

I know. My jokes are far too sophisticated for this place 

[Mike Oxlong]

I nearly got knocked off my bike by a council salt wagon last night. "You dozy ****ing twat" I shouted, through gritted teeth.

[Trav Le Bleu]

On 10/08/2020 at 21:32, Mike Oxlong said:

I nearly got knocked off my bike by a council salt wagon last night. "You dozy ****ing twat" I shouted, through gritted teeth.

Why were the council gritting the roads in the middle of a heatwave?

 

The world's gone mad!

[Trav Le Bleu]

Hairdressers today have been complaining that the Prime Minister hasn't been supporting the industry.

 

I mean, does Boris Johnson LOOK like he cares about hairdressing?

[Parafox]

7 minutes ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

Hairdressers today have been complaining that the Prime Minister hasn't been supporting the industry.

 

I mean, does Boris Johnson LOOK like he cares about hairdressing?

Hi, it's Para here from Pedantry Central. 

Now, that's not strictly a joke. More of a humorous observation. 

 

This might help:

Most joke structures are built around two fundamental elements—a setup, followed by a punchline.

The setup details the characters, the place, and a situation that set the scene.

The punchline is a plot twist, a divergent resolution to the one the audience is expecting.

 

“I gave my cat a bath the other day. You know, I’d always heard you weren’t supposed to give cats baths, but my cat came home, and he was really dirty and I decided to give him a bath, and it was great. If you have a cat, don’t worry about it. They love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it. It was fun for me, you know, and uh—the fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that, you know, it was great!”

 

Anyhoooo... Me being a pedant, 'n all 

Edited 12 August 2020 by Parafox

[cambridgefox]

20 hours ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

Why were the council gritting the roads in the middle of a heatwave?

 

The world's gone mad!

I won’t bore you,but you do!

[Aus Fox]

Quickly get in first before you see it everywhere, but I would 8 - 2 be a Barcelona fan right now.

[Jattdogg]

5 hours ago, Aus Fox said:

Quickly get in first before you see it everywhere, but I would 8 - 2 be a Barcelona fan right now.

Didnt have  2 - 8 long for that joke to reappear.

 

 

 

 

 

Low standards

[Wycombe Fox]

I was an accountant from the age of 20 until I was 30 when I was sacked for no apparent reason.

 

What a waste of 14 years!

[Benguin]

I got injured on a date last night, it was a casual tea.

 

 

[Aus Fox]

Just got together with a few friends and started an autopsy club. We get together once a week and do different activities.

Im looking forward to open mic night next week.