The joke thread

[Aus Fox]

Okay, as they’re so popular one more just for @Carl the Llamadid you hear about the American Footballer who lost 75% of his spine?

He was a quarter back.

[jonthefox]

I'm with Carl . Mods!

[Carl the Llama]

A barman walks into a bar.

 

"My life's a joke" he thinks to himself.

 

[Carl the Llama]

"I don't serve particles that travel faster than light" says the barman.

A tachyon walks into a bar.

[Izzy]

My mates dog has been trained to sniff drugs.

 

It's brilliant. He can even role up his own £20 note.

[Buce]

MODS!!!!!!

 

@Izzy has hacked @Aus Fox's account!!!

[Buce]

 

What is @leicsmac's favourite food?

 

Fission chips.

[Trav Le Bleu]

A hippopotamus can swim at 10 mph and run at 30 mph, so if you're ever in a triathlon against one, you really need to make time up on the bike.

[Facecloth]

23 minutes ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

A hippopotamus can swim at 10 mph and run at 30 mph, so if you're ever in a triathlon against one, you really need to make time up on the bike.

Someone listened to Fighting Talk this week.

[Trav Le Bleu]

5 minutes ago, Facecloth said:

Someone listened to Fighting Talk this week.

[Izzy]

I said to the wife, “bollocks, I can’t find my car keys!!”

 

She said “Maybe you should look harder!”

 

So I shaved my hair off and got a couple of tattoos 

[Wolfox]

Knock Knock

Whose there?

Dishes

Dishes who?

Dishes the ghost of Sean Connery.

[Izzy]

Just finished reading an excellent book called “Fights on a Narrowboat" by R.G. Bargee.

[The Fox Covert]

Some day in the future, Donald Trump breaths his last and departs this world.

At the Pearly Gates he is firmly told 'You aren't coming in here, you are going to the other place!'

Trump replies 'You let me in. I was the best and smartest President of the US ever. I'll have you arrested. I have all the best and richest lawyers behind me. You are nasty! Arrest! Nasty!'

[ozleicester]

35 minutes ago, The Fox Covert said:

Some day in the future, Donald Trump breaths his last and departs this world.

At the Pearly Gates he is firmly told 'You aren't coming in here, you are going to the other place!'

Trump replies 'You let me in. I was the best and smartest President of the US ever. I'll have you arrested. I have all the best and richest lawyers behind me. You are nasty! Arrest! Nasty!'

well.. im confused

[Stoopid]

On 04/11/2020 at 18:42, Izzy said:

Just finished reading an excellent book called “Fights on a Narrowboat" by R.G. Bargee.

Haven't read that one,  but I believe he's got a Korean cousin who wrote a book about Indian cooking.

Un Yun Bargee, I think the name is.

Quite a literary family...

[The Bear]

I got fired from working at a soup kitchen. Apparently you're not supposed to say "Hurry up you lot, some of us have got homes to go to." 

[Parafox]

On 04/11/2020 at 18:42, Izzy said:

Just finished reading an excellent book called “Fights on a Narrowboat" by R.G. Bargee.

 

On 03/11/2020 at 13:48, Wolfox said:

Knock Knock

Whose there?

Dishes

Dishes who?

Dishes the ghost of Sean Connery.

 

On 07/11/2020 at 09:54, Stoopid said:

Haven't read that one,  but I believe he's got a Korean cousin who wrote a book about Indian cooking.

Un Yun Bargee, I think the name is.

Quite a literary family...

 

21 hours ago, The Bear said:

I got fired from working at a soup kitchen. Apparently you're not supposed to say "Hurry up you lot, some of us have got homes to go to." 

[Wolfox]

[Izzy]

 

[Izzy]

The wife just emailed me saying: "helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomehomeandgivemeanalternative"
I replied, "I'm on my way, but what does 'ternative' mean?" 

[RonnieTodger]

I went in the shop and asked if they can sell me a kettle.

 

The bloke said “Kenwood?”

 

 I said “where’s he then?”

[RonnieTodger]

I went to the doctors and said I’ve got a problem, I always have a dump every morning at 6 o’clock. He said what’s the problem with that. I said I don’t get up until 8:30

[MPH]

Just been on the news that there was a shark attack at a tourist destination in the seychelles.  The only thing left to identify the victim was a left arm sporting a massive Tattoo of the Everton badge and the words ‘League champions 20-21.

 

 

” Not even a shark would swallow that” claimed the police.

[jonthefox]

Every morning before I went to school my mum would put whipped cream and a cherry on my head.

 

 

It was tough growing up in the gateaux.