Ric Flair Posted 27 September 2013 Posted 27 September 2013 I've not done it yet, I'm really tempted though, I think it could be dobale on a tray. There is nothing you can't do in a bath except eat. This has to be rectified. You can't play golf, i've tried. Even Seve couldn't do it.
Ric Flair Posted 27 September 2013 Posted 27 September 2013 It's friday and I can't really be arsed to do any work, so you'll find me in here all day. I've a reputation for falling asleep on the shitter, i've lost count the amount of times i've lost hours on nights on the piss kippin' on the pan. I've had bouncers have to take doors off the hinges to get me out and mates who have thought i'd done a runner and left me. However, nothing beats the time I got absolutely garried about 9 years ago. I'd been on a proper all dayer, nothing fancy but by 11pm i'd done the best part of 20 pints and god knows what else. I've needed a pony or a sit down wee, something I wholeheartedly advocate. I've gone in and set about doing the business and that's it. Except the next time i'm conscious again it's completely pitch black and i've instantly shit myself. Not got a clue where I am and I fall off the bog and scramble to my feet. I frantically rummage about for my phone to try and shed some light on to it. It becomes clear i'm in a cubicle of some sort, it quickly dawns upon me i'm in the pub toilet still. I look at my watch and it's 2.30am, i've had a solid 3-4 hour nap. I'm all over the place though, still mullered and heavily confused. I've slowly crept out of the trap, I knew deep down what had happened here but I didn't dare believe it. The boozer has done last orders, cleared the gaff out and forgot to check the gents to see if there's any pissed up neanderthals getting their head down. How am I going to get out of here? I immediately got a little excited as I had access to unlimited scampi fries, pork scratchings and ale. ALE. There was also floats and tills if needs be. Then BAAANG the fookin alarm goes off and my world comes tumbling down. I panic, i'm banged to rights here except there's no sign of entry or exit. I tried to search for the lights to at least help prevent any misunderstanding when the old bill come hurtling in but couldn't find them. I realised the pub I was in was my local, the local that was ran by my mates sister. I embarrassingly had to bell my mate up in the early hours and get him to quickly ring his sister and stop 5-oh steaming down with the riot van. I then had to sit in the pitch black with the alarm blaring for 25 minutes until his sister came down in her pyjamas to let me out. Safe to say I got put on a curfew in the boozer for a few years, I had to be gone by 7pm every night. To be continued....
cambridgefox Posted 27 September 2013 Posted 27 September 2013 It's friday and I can't really be arsed to do any work, so you'll find me in here all day. I've a reputation for falling asleep on the shitter, i've lost count the amount of times i've lost hours on nights on the piss kippin' on the pan. I've had bouncers have to take doors off the hinges to get me out and mates who have thought i'd done a runner and left me. However, nothing beats the time I got absolutely garried about 9 years ago. I'd been on a proper all dayer, nothing fancy but by 11pm i'd done the best part of 20 pints and god knows what else. I've needed a pony or a sit down wee, something I wholeheartedly advocate. I've gone in and set about doing the business and that's it. Except the next time i'm conscious again it's completely pitch black and i've instantly shit myself. Not got a clue where I am and I fall off the bog and scramble to my feet. I frantically rummage about for my phone to try and shed some light on to it. It becomes clear i'm in a cubicle of some sort, it quickly dawns upon me i'm in the pub toilet still. I look at my watch and it's 2.30am, i've had a solid 3-4 hour nap. I'm all over the place though, still mullered and heavily confused. I've slowly crept out of the trap, I knew deep down what had happened here but I didn't dare believe it. The boozer has done last orders, cleared the gaff out and forgot to check the gents to see if there's any pissed up neanderthals getting their head down. How am I going to get out of here? I immediately got a little excited as I had access to unlimited scampi fries, pork scratchings and ale. ALE. There was also floats and tills if needs be. Then BAAANG the fookin alarm goes off and my world comes tumbling down. I panic, i'm banged to rights here except there's no sign of entry or exit. I tried to search for the lights to at least help prevent any misunderstanding when the old bill come hurtling in but couldn't find them. I realised the pub I was in was my local, the local that was ran by my mates sister. I embarrassingly had to bell my mate up in the early hours and get him to quickly ring his sister and stop 5-oh steaming down with the riot van. I then had to sit in the pitch black with the alarm blaring for 25 minutes until his sister came down in her pyjamas to let me out. Safe to say I got put on a curfew in the boozer for a few years, I had to be gone by 7pm every night. To be continued.... That is fantastic .
cambridgefox Posted 27 September 2013 Posted 27 September 2013 Just remembered another one. I'm not from Leicester but the person involved is. Had some mates at Lancaster uni and used to go up once a month for a massive bender( not that one) This was the 1st year and my mates lived in a dorm and the next dorm was full of women,who we got on really well with.We had been drinking all day and it wasn't that late ,but we were smashedMyself and a mate were starving so went to the girls dorm where Filthy Phil( that's what they called me in those days) thought he would turn on the charm and get them to cook me something.no one was there so had a root about.staring at me on the table was a cake,a birthday cake.it was this girl from Leicester/ Loughborough birthday .it hadn't been started,but that was about to change.Cut myself and my mate a generous portios and ate.Bloody lovely,the door opened and 3 of the girls walked in.They were shocked and laughing about what we had done but said that her parents had made her the cake left it on the table and had taken them all out for a meal.Sshhhhhiiit.All I can say was I was drunk panicked and knowing they were parking downstairs I would have to face the girl and the parents.Ran to the window,saw them,shouted " happy birthday( girls name)"and threw the rest of the cake at her.i missed.i have never felt so sober in my lifeDad went mental,daughter and mum crying,I wanted to go home.in the morning I wrote each a letter of apology,bought the mum and daughter flowers and an expensive cake.it cost me a fortune.The weekend was frosty,I was an absolute hero to the boys and some girls,but didn't feel good about myselfNext time it was all forgotten and they changed my name to Giant cake stacks !still went to her 21st and behaved.
FoxyPV Posted 27 September 2013 Posted 27 September 2013 Drinking a bottle of vodka using buckfast as a mixer. Telling MsFoxy that I'd never seen cellulite before going out with her except on my mum. Telling MsFoxy that I like big arses like hers.
Finnegan Posted 27 September 2013 Posted 27 September 2013 Was that the Guns & Roses year? That was my 1st and only Leeds festival! Did Reading after that. I remember the riot police and explosions. It was nuts! By about 3pm in the morning me and my 2 mates huddled into the smallest bloody tent, Put the radio on the stereo we had but could only find some Asian radio station, and fell asleep to the sound of Indian music and explosions! What a great festival though! I was at Reading that year. I remember the news coming through that there was riot police and German shepherds and the full works at Leeds. Went Reading 02 to 05 and it was always rowdy but never saw owt like that. Drinking a bottle of vodka using buckfast as a mixer. Telling MsFoxy that I'd never seen cellulite before going out with her except on my mum. Telling MsFoxy that I like big arses like hers. !!
outfoxed77 Posted 27 September 2013 Posted 27 September 2013 This happened last night. My central locking on my car is a bit dodgy so at the minute I have to unlock the passenger door which also unlocks the two rear doors but not the drivers door I then have to lean accross the passenger seat, put the ignition on and then press a button on the drivers door that unlocks all the doors, unfortunately said button is right next to the button that locks all the doors. So last night I open passenger door, stick keys in ignition and turn it on then press the "open all doors" button and shut passenger door and walk round to get in drivers door. But I'd pressed the "lock all doors" button so all the doors and boot are locked and the ignition is on and I dont have a spare key. Luckily it only took me 5 mins to break into the car without casuing any damage.
DANGEROUS TIGER Posted 27 September 2013 Posted 27 September 2013 You've gone down in my estimation DT. Sorry about that.
Mike Oxlong Posted 27 September 2013 Posted 27 September 2013 Telling MsFoxy that I'd never seen cellulite before going out with her except on my mum. . Ha, ha. You should be in the diplomatic service. You should've said "except on her mum".
Alexikokopops Posted 27 September 2013 Posted 27 September 2013 It's friday and I can't really be arsed to do any work, so you'll find me in here all day. I've a reputation for falling asleep on the shitter, i've lost count the amount of times i've lost hours on nights on the piss kippin' on the pan. I've had bouncers have to take doors off the hinges to get me out and mates who have thought i'd done a runner and left me. However, nothing beats the time I got absolutely garried about 9 years ago. I'd been on a proper all dayer, nothing fancy but by 11pm i'd done the best part of 20 pints and god knows what else. I've needed a pony or a sit down wee, something I wholeheartedly advocate. I've gone in and set about doing the business and that's it. Except the next time i'm conscious again it's completely pitch black and i've instantly shit myself. Not got a clue where I am and I fall off the bog and scramble to my feet. I frantically rummage about for my phone to try and shed some light on to it. It becomes clear i'm in a cubicle of some sort, it quickly dawns upon me i'm in the pub toilet still. I look at my watch and it's 2.30am, i've had a solid 3-4 hour nap. I'm all over the place though, still mullered and heavily confused. I've slowly crept out of the trap, I knew deep down what had happened here but I didn't dare believe it. The boozer has done last orders, cleared the gaff out and forgot to check the gents to see if there's any pissed up neanderthals getting their head down. How am I going to get out of here? I immediately got a little excited as I had access to unlimited scampi fries, pork scratchings and ale. ALE. There was also floats and tills if needs be. Then BAAANG the fookin alarm goes off and my world comes tumbling down. I panic, i'm banged to rights here except there's no sign of entry or exit. I tried to search for the lights to at least help prevent any misunderstanding when the old bill come hurtling in but couldn't find them. I realised the pub I was in was my local, the local that was ran by my mates sister. I embarrassingly had to bell my mate up in the early hours and get him to quickly ring his sister and stop 5-oh steaming down with the riot van. I then had to sit in the pitch black with the alarm blaring for 25 minutes until his sister came down in her pyjamas to let me out. Safe to say I got put on a curfew in the boozer for a few years, I had to be gone by 7pm every night. To be continued.... My dad did exactly the same thing when he was our age. Got collared by the police trying to climb out the tiny toilet window. Champion.
Ric Flair Posted 27 September 2013 Posted 27 September 2013 My dad did exactly the same thing when he was our age. Got collared by the police trying to climb out the tiny toilet window. Champion. Hahahahahaaa sensational. Ay mate, all these stories remind me of the email trail me, you, TPH and Fez had going.
Captain... Posted 27 September 2013 Posted 27 September 2013 Was that the Guns & Roses year? That was my 1st and only Leeds festival! Did Reading after that. I remember the riot police and explosions. It was nuts! By about 3pm in the morning me and my 2 mates huddled into the smallest bloody tent, Put the radio on the stereo we had but could only find some Asian radio station, and fell asleep to the sound of Indian music and explosions! What a great festival though! That was the one, absolute carnage, went the following year at the new site with fires banned it was a wet affair sitting round a torch after the music stopped dark and damp, just ended up going to bed about 1am every night. Damp squib sums it up.
z-layrex Posted 27 September 2013 Posted 27 September 2013 This happened last night. My central locking on my car is a bit dodgy so at the minute I have to unlock the passenger door which also unlocks the two rear doors but not the drivers door I then have to lean accross the passenger seat, put the ignition on and then press a button on the drivers door that unlocks all the doors, unfortunately said button is right next to the button that locks all the doors. So last night I open passenger door, stick keys in ignition and turn it on then press the "open all doors" button and shut passenger door and walk round to get in drivers door. But I'd pressed the "lock all doors" button so all the doors and boot are locked and the ignition is on and I dont have a spare key. Luckily it only took me 5 mins to break into the car without casuing any damage. This is the worst car of all time!
ADK Posted 27 September 2013 Posted 27 September 2013 Wouldn't it be easier to just fix the locking mechanism?
Zingari Posted 28 September 2013 Posted 28 September 2013 I was at a friend's wedding and the evening's entertainment included a few sessions of Karaoke so I got up to do my usual repertoire which included "Livin next door to Alice" Before I started I asked a few mates to do the old "Who the fook is Alice" at the chorus, and as it was getting late and the kids had all gone I didn't think it would do any harm .As the song progressed it seemed the whole room was loudly joining in. "WHO THE FOOK IS ALICE ? After it was over the groom told me the bride's mother's name was Alice and she thought it was being aimed at her. Someone found her in the ladies sobbing , and thinking everyone was having a laugh at her expense. But it really was just an innocent mistake . She seemed to see the funny side of it after I apologised and topped up her glass a couple of times This is by no means the daftest thing I've ever done but its all I'm saying here
Webbo Posted 28 September 2013 Posted 28 September 2013 I was doing a job at the home of a market trader who sold sweets on his stall. I was talking to his wife at their home when she showed me all their stock in the garage. It was stacked high with boxes of Mars bars and Twixs etc and in one corner I spotted a small bunch of carrots so I joked "is this what you give the kids with rotten teeth?"She just gave me an angry look. A short while later her two daughters came home from school and smiled at me and both of them had black teeth.
Beliall Posted 28 September 2013 Posted 28 September 2013 I was doing a job at the home of a market trader who sold sweets on his stall. I was talking to his wife at their home when she showed me all their stock in the garage. It was stacked high with boxes of Mars bars and Twixs etc and in one corner I spotted a small bunch of carrots so I joked "is this what you give the kids with rotten teeth?"She just gave me an angry look. A short while later her two daughters came home from school and smiled at me and both of them had black teeth. you guessed right
The People's Hero Posted 28 September 2013 Posted 28 September 2013 Hahahahahaaa sensational. Ay mate, all these stories remind me of the email trail me, you, TPH and Fez had going. You've had some epic times mate. The holiday story still has me laughing when I look back. And the girl from work. Brilliant. I'm going to go and read those if I can find them.
Smudge Posted 28 September 2013 Posted 28 September 2013 Some years ago, I was in Seattle with a mate and we thought we'd tour the area. There are a number of islands in the Puget Sound and a series of car ferries connect them. If the ferry is en route, they have a lane on the right hand side of the road where you can line up until the ferry returns. These lanes stretch back for some distance. We found the lane and got to the first island without incident. After looking around we decided to move onto the second island. As we approached the ferry we saw all these cars parked on the right and pulled up behind the last one. We turned off the engine and waited. After about 15 minutes, a pick up truck pulled along side us being driven by two young women. They asked us if the ferry was along this road to which we replied yes and they drove off in the direction of the ferry, we thought they've missed the parking lane, stupid women they'll have to turn around but they didn't. After another 5 minutes expecting the women to come back, I realised there was no-one in the car in front, in fact when I got out of the car there was no in the one in front of that. We had stopped behind a bunch of parked cars. When we moved on we pulled up a few cars behind the truck, the women were standing outside it and when they saw us started chuckling.
Webbo Posted 28 September 2013 Posted 28 September 2013 Some years ago, I was in Seattle with a mate and we thought we'd tour the area. There are a number of islands in the Puget Sound and a series of car ferries connect them. If the ferry is en route, they have a lane on the right hand side of the road where you can line up until the ferry returns. These lanes stretch back for some distance. We found the lane and got to the first island without incident. After looking around we decided to move onto the second island. As we approached the ferry we saw all these cars parked on the right and pulled up behind the last one. We turned off the engine and waited. After about 15 minutes, a pick up truck pulled along side us being driven by two young women. They asked us if the ferry was along this road to which we replied yes and they drove off in the direction of the ferry, we thought they've missed the parking lane, stupid women they'll have to turn around but they didn't. After another 5 minutes expecting the women to come back, I realised there was no-one in the car in front, in fact when I got out of the car there was no in the one in front of that. We had stopped behind a bunch of parked cars. When we moved on we pulled up a few cars behind the truck, the women were standing outside it and when they saw us started chuckling. I did at traffic lights once. I even papped the horn when they didn't move when the light changed.
Smudge Posted 28 September 2013 Posted 28 September 2013 I did at traffic lights once. I even papped the horn when they didn't move when the light changed.
Foxhateram Posted 28 September 2013 Posted 28 September 2013 Get engaged after only 1 year of a relationship thinking this is it. How wrong was I? On a separate note posting some of my rumblings on here were pretty dumb . The night I apparently spoke to myself in livechat and one of the mods contacted me to ensure I was "ok" .
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