Hollism Posted 26 September 2013 Posted 26 September 2013 Oh my goodness I could be here all night telling stuff.... most recent one. Went into a shop called The mighty Dollar and asked how much the ballons were much to the amusement of the 4 people behind me in the line... went to the wrong viewing at a funeral home about a year ago... wondered why I didn't recognize anyone... just thought my friend had lots of family I had never met.... was supposed to be at the one in the Other building Let out the largest fart ever in the kitchen once when visiting the in laws thinking everyone was in the living room... turns out my mother-in-law was in the pantry sorting dinner out... best one ever has to go to my mate who revealed more about himself than he wanted to one night... all round someone s house Playing cheesey Christmas games ( don't ask). Anyway we were split into a boys team and a girls team . We were in the middle of a game where you have to describe who is on the slip of paper without saying their name. So my mate pulls out a name and its kate winslet. So he said " the good looking one from the titanic!" My other mate shoots his hand and up and shouts out " Leonardo di caprio!!!".
Rincewind Posted 26 September 2013 Posted 26 September 2013 **** me, some of you need therapy or something. I was thinking the same. Either that or I have had a very dull life.
Jace Posted 26 September 2013 Posted 26 September 2013 Several times in car parks without thinking where I would go and buy a pay and display ticket and then stick it in my pocket instead of the car windscreen
SystonFox Posted 26 September 2013 Posted 26 September 2013 when i was a nipper in playschool i ate a toilet cake. yes one of those blue things in troffs that people piss on. i ate it. nice trip to A & E yesterday when i returned home from work i went to feed the cat but instead of putting the food in his bowl i poured it from the sachet straight into the bin. odd
Kitchandro Posted 26 September 2013 Posted 26 September 2013 On my first day of school I thought it would be hilarious to cut up my uniform with scissors.
LcFc_Smiv Posted 26 September 2013 Posted 26 September 2013 Not mine, but I worked in a restaurant with a girl who was told to set the customers cutlery ready for their mains. My boss came into the back and asked her why she hadn't put a meat knife down for the customer who was having duck. The waitress responded "why would I put a meat knife down, ducks live in water so I put a fish knife down". The other day I went to fill up the sugar pot, filled up my mug instead. Also went to make a cup of coffee, poured the water in and it just went frothy and horrible, my flat mates stood there looking bemused, without saying anything one of them walked over and flicked the kettle on. I need coffee to function, so managing to make that first cup seems to be the hardest task of any day!
bovril Posted 26 September 2013 Posted 26 September 2013 Not me but my Dad. We were staying in the Carlton Tower (humblebrag) in 06 during the weekend of a QPR Leicester game. A family friend used to be on the QPR board and put us up for the night as a favour. On the Sunday morning we decided to steal some little bottles of shampoo from the room (you can take the boy out of Leicester etc) more for a souvenir than anything else. We got in the lift on the way to check out. In the lift with us was a bell boy who asked us in an exceptionally polite tone if everything was satisfactory, sir, and if we enjoyed our stay, sir, and if we would like to come again, sir.. and as the lift doors opened my Dad stumbled and dropped his rucksack. Out rolled four bottles of shampoo, one of which rolled across the floor of the lobby and landed right between the feet of a Saudi sheikh who seemed to be concluding an important deal. My Dad scrambled across the floor desperately trying to pick up all the bottles as the reeptionists, bell boy, Saudi and various other guests looked at us with utter disgust. One woman even tutted. Everytime I think back to it I piss myself. We were never invited back.
Zingari Posted 26 September 2013 Posted 26 September 2013 Mistaken Atlanta for Atalanta on a web forum. Mistaking George for Georgia would have been worse .
Ric Flair Posted 26 September 2013 Posted 26 September 2013 Hahahahahahaaa where do you want me to start? Just a little snippet which is in no way even remotely as bad as some of the stuff i've done. Saturday night I was going out in Clapham, had to get the bus as it was quicker than the tube and as I was getting up to get off the bus, a lad turned round and his elbow bull hammered me in the face and knocked my bins off. As the glasses fell I somehow volleyed them up the bus. I eventually got hold of them and got off a little dishevelled. I walked in to the boozer and just as I got in, the white ball from the pool table came hurtling towards me and leathered me in the shin. I about hit the deck. I thought i'd got away with both as none of my mates were present but then about 4 hours later we were in some bar and my mate lobbed an orange at me, i've gone in for the bullet header, slipped and now I have a £2500 dentist bill for a new front tooth. Absolute fookin prat! I could easily spend my whole day in this thread and we won't have even scratched the surface. I've had chicken pox 4 times!!!!
Dan Posted 26 September 2013 Posted 26 September 2013 A couple of years back there was one of these programmes on, remember it? People who are very highly attracted to fat people. My mate completely out of the blue told me my other mate (someone very thin) was going on it to give a different perspective on the subject, as did a couple of other mates before I started spreading the word, as I found it completely random and quite funny seeing him actually appearing on a programme like that. The night arrives and I sit through this programme, absolutely laughing my head off at certain bits (sorry but if you've seen it you'd have laughed ), and I'm telling everyone that my mate is going to be on it and that's the only reason I'm sitting through it. It gets later and later and I'm actually starting to get a bit excited, because he'd look so out of place The programme ends, I say "what the ****", and my Twitter notifications absolutely explode with people taking the piss out of me for being a complete gullible twat.
Beliall Posted 26 September 2013 Posted 26 September 2013 Walking down the road listening to my music. Stopped suddenly and panicked, thinking id left my ipod on the bus
Dan Posted 26 September 2013 Posted 26 September 2013 Drunk from a smashed beer bottle Done it myself, what a ****ing nightmare, bought a Stella Cidre bottle for a walk down to the pub ahead of a night out, then remembered I had no bottle opener so smashed the end on a bollard. Big mistake. The final swag was absolutely vile.
Ric Flair Posted 26 September 2013 Posted 26 September 2013 After Leicester beat Wolves last season, I was absolutely plastered after watching it up The Stag in Great Portland St. Me and my mate were staggering down to the tube at Oxford Circus and I've always wanted to slide down the middle bit of the escalator. Obviously I never had done previously because there's bollards in the way and it's ludicrous. The next thing my mate see's me whizz past him down the middle as if i've been lobbed down the rapids at Center Parcs. I somehow manage to miss most of the obstacles but then at the bottom there's a huge metal box and I clatter it with my arse. My mate had to put me over his shoulders and carry me on to the tube, when I regained conciousness it became evident I was in a whole world of trouble. A&E confirmed i'd badly broken my coccyx and i've spent the last 8 months sitting on a cushion that looks like a ringed donut. It's cost me hundreds in physio and i'm absolutely appalled with myself. The question is, i'll probably do it again at some point.
Dan Posted 26 September 2013 Posted 26 September 2013 Hahahahahahaaa where do you want me to start? Just a little snippet which is in no way even remotely as bad as some of the stuff i've done. Saturday night I was going out in Clapham, had to get the bus as it was quicker than the tube and as I was getting up to get off the bus, a lad turned round and his elbow bull hammered me in the face and knocked my bins off. As the glasses fell I somehow volleyed them up the bus. I eventually got hold of them and got off a little dishevelled. I walked in to the boozer and just as I got in, the white ball from the pool table came hurtling towards me and leathered me in the shin. I about hit the deck. I thought i'd got away with both as none of my mates were present but then about 4 hours later we were in some bar and my mate lobbed an orange at me, i've gone in for the bullet header, slipped and now I have a £2500 dentist bill for a new front tooth. Absolute fookin prat! I could easily spend my whole day in this thread and we won't have even scratched the surface. I've had chicken pox 4 times!!!! Were the incidents linked?
Ric Flair Posted 26 September 2013 Posted 26 September 2013 Some of you may have heard this story before.... I went to Thailand in 2009 with 4 pals and the level of scandinavian minge out there is phenomenal. I had dyed blonde hair back in the day and was getting plenty of chit chat off these boilers, mainly asking me if I was Swedish etc. I kept telling them that I wasn't and it often led to nothing further which obviously started to antagonize me. Things escalated and I woke up one morning to find that i'd taken matters in to my own hands and had SVENSKA tattoo'd on my wrist. The problem was that it didn't make any difference as i'd designed the tattoo at 5am after the best part of 16 hours on the piss. It didn't even say SVENSKA, more of a S A little E R S KA with 2 horrible stars either side of it. I got back to England a little embarrassed but a story to tell and many memories. 2 and a half years later I went back to Thailand with my missus and long gone was the horrible bleached hair and pretence that I was from Sweden. We spent New Years Eve on Koh Phi Phi where the tattoo had taken place in '09, I was absolutely mongol'd again. I've woken up with sick all round my eyebrows and everything. I roll over to see the missus staring at me with a look that said ' have you seen what you've done? ' It takes me a while to gather my thoughts and enquire what's going on, her eyes are set on my right wrist and I follow them down and there it is. Under the diabolical SVENSKA tattoo is the Swedish flag about 2 x 3 inch in bright blue and yellow. I hit the roof. What a complete helmet. Sadly it's not henna, it's permanent. I then had to spend the next 3 weeks in Thailand explaining to Swedish natives that I wasn't Swedish and in the end I was fed up of doing that so when they tried to talk to me I pretended I was deaf. I've never even been to fookin Sweden
The Year Of The Fox Posted 26 September 2013 Posted 26 September 2013 Some of you may have heard this story before.... I went to Thailand in 2009 with 4 pals and the level of scandinavian minge out there is phenomenal. I had dyed blonde hair back in the day and was getting plenty of chit chat off these boilers, mainly asking me if I was Swedish etc. I kept telling them that I wasn't and it often led to nothing further which obviously started to antagonize me. Things escalated and I woke up one morning to find that i'd taken matters in to my own hands and had SVENSKA tattoo'd on my wrist. The problem was that it didn't make any difference as i'd designed the tattoo at 5am after the best part of 16 hours on the piss. It didn't even say SVENSKA, more of a S A little E R S KA with 2 horrible stars either side of it. I got back to England a little embarrassed but a story to tell and many memories. 2 and a half years later I went back to Thailand with my missus and long gone was the horrible bleached hair and pretence that I was from Sweden. We spent New Years Eve on Koh Phi Phi where the tattoo had taken place in '09, I was absolutely mongol'd again. I've woken up with sick all round my eyebrows and everything. I roll over to see the missus staring at me with a look that said ' have you seen what you've done? ' It takes me a while to gather my thoughts and enquire what's going on, her eyes are set on my right wrist and I follow them down and there it is. Under the diabolical SVENSKA tattoo is the Swedish flag about 2 x 3 inch in bright blue and yellow. I hit the roof. What a complete helmet. Sadly it's not henna, it's permanent. I then had to spend the next 3 weeks in Thailand explaining to Swedish natives that I wasn't Swedish and in the end I was fed up of doing that so when they tried to talk to me I pretended I was deaf. I've never even been to fookin Sweden Thsats brilliant
Parafox Posted 26 September 2013 Posted 26 September 2013 In the days before ring-pulls, I tried to pierce the top of a Party 7 (a large barrel shaped tin containing 7 pints of beer, for those of you too young to remember) by holding a kitchen knife in one hand and hammering the handle of it with the bottom of an empty bottle. I was holding the neck of bottle as you would hold a knife that you were stabbing down with. The end of the bottle smashed and I stabbed the broken, jagged remains into my thumb, forefinger and hand that I was holding the knife with. A trip to A&E and a night I can't forget as I have the scars to remind me.
Mike Oxlong Posted 26 September 2013 Posted 26 September 2013 Putting the knacker crackers on back to front resulting in enhanced ventilation when breaking wind but scrambling about trying to find access to the tool box when draining the main vein.
foxer Posted 26 September 2013 Posted 26 September 2013 When I was about 9 There were some road works on a street in the village I lived in and a kid a couple of years below me at school said he'd give me a tenner if I pused a peice of curb down into the hole that had been dug. Without hesitation I pushed it in and water started spraying out of a pipe that I hadn't seen down there.... I ran home and watched Buffy the vampire slayer. The next day I arrived at school to be greeted by our headmaster who was fuming and revealed that I'd flooded the whole street. Never got the tenner either.
Dan Posted 26 September 2013 Posted 26 September 2013 Completely typical given the fact I've been posting in this thread today. So it's dinner break, I've got about a fiver on my card before I'm paid tomorrow and seriously fancy some dinner from Tesco. So I get a card from my wallet and get the 13 floor lift down to the ground floor. I go to Tesco to find there's no cash machine there and I want to check my balance to make sure I've got enough. I end up walking up another road and queuing for a few minutes behind a couple of other people before finally getting to the cash machine... To pull out my season ticket. I am a ****ing nobhead at times.
Jace Posted 26 September 2013 Posted 26 September 2013 Few years ago I remember I was at a house party and this girl who was there who I didn't know told a story about how she had recently picked up and put a piece of chocolate off the floor and ate it only to realise it wasn't chocolate but a small bit of dog poo.
21st Century Fox Posted 26 September 2013 Posted 26 September 2013 Whilst staying in a hotel in Portugal a few summers ago my girlfiend stripped off, ran out onto the balcony and beckoned me over. I obviously didn't need telling twice so I stripped off ran out and then instinct kicked in (I wasn't born in a barn) and I shut the the french windows behind me... locking them. I ****ing hate heights so my girlfriend had to stand on a chair completely naked and shout to some people about 3 apartments across and get them to phone down for someone to come and open the french windows for us. Pretty embarassing but I now always remember to leave a shoe in any open french window.
Trav Le Bleu Posted 26 September 2013 Posted 26 September 2013 Tough call. Off the top of my head, far too much stupidity over the years I've forgot most. 1. Flew to Vegas drunk, only thought wtf when I woke up and we were landing. Had no money, no cards, no VISA and was supposed to be in work in 2 hours. 2. Was in a car that drove to the other Newcastle when we were supposed to be in Gateshead. (County Wicklow? You got on a ferry?!?! ) 3. Trying to take on about 4 Greek doorman in Kavos that rendered me beaten to fcuk and in a stinking jail. I can beat that... 1. Having spent a full weekend on PCP I hid in the trunk of Boutros Boutros-Ghali's car, gaining access to the UN General Assembly were I was sick in the lap of the delegate for Uzbekistan. 2. During my third incarceration in a Turkish prison I made a joke about showers, soap and Turkish delight. Big mistake! It was a long trime before I could see the funny side of that one! 3. Whilst playing golf in Melbourne, I realised that I had mislaid my 5 iron. In anger I flung my 7 iron into the air, which then smashed through the clubhouse window. (This worked out okay though, because it hit then up and coming Aussie comic Adam Hill round the head, rendering him unconcious. I was thus able to continue my game using his prosthetic leg, which I managed to get back to him before him came round. He never knew a thing! )
Hollism Posted 26 September 2013 Posted 26 September 2013 When I was about 5 or 6, I had swimming lessons. I remember that they were 8 weeks long, and on the last week they got a lot of floats out and stuff like that to play around with. There was one surfboard-shaped out that I was determined to stand up on. I tried for ages and in the end I decided to put in at the edge of the pool, get out, and just stand on it tht way. It went from underneath my feet (predictably) and I smashed my head on the edge. Didn't hurt that much at the time but there was a load of blood all around me so that scared me a bit and I started to cry Had 8 stitches, then the GP didn't remove them properly and it got infected
Finnegan Posted 26 September 2013 Posted 26 September 2013 I can beat that... 1. Having spent a full weekend on PCP I hid in the trunk of Boutros Boutros-Ghali's car, gaining access to the UN General Assembly were I was sick in the lap of the delegate for Uzbekistan. 2. During my third incarceration in a Turkish prison I made a joke about showers, soap and Turkish delight. Big mistake! It was a long trime before I could see the funny side of that one! 3. Whilst playing golf in Melbourne, I realised that I had mislaid my 5 iron. In anger I flung my 7 iron into the air, which then smashed through the clubhouse window. (This worked out okay though, because it hit then up and coming Aussie comic Adam Hill round the head, rendering him unconcious. I was thus able to continue my game using his prosthetic leg, which I managed to get back to him before him came round. He never knew a thing! ) I assume the implication is that Matt is making up stories? If that's the case and I'm not missing levels of humour that are too complex for text alone, are stories two and three really unbelievable to you? Oh and there's a Newcastle in Wales and another near Stoke. They're everywhere.
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