The joke thread

[Countryfox]

 

Fox Lutterworth ....    always makes going for a p1ss worthwhile ...  

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Wolfox]

A duck walks into a pub and asks for a pint and a packet of crisps.

The barman is gobsmacked!

"You can talk"

"Of course I can"

"What are you doing around here?" says the publican.

"I'm working at the new building site up the road and have about 5 months work here"

The man is astonished and asks "What do you do?"

"I'm a plasterer" says the duck.

"I've never met a duck that could talk, never mind working as a plasterer" he replies.

Anyway, the duck comes in every day for a pint and the weeks soon fly by.

One day the circus comes to town and the Ringmaster goes into the pub.
The publican can't wait to tell him about the talking duck.

Later that day the duck appears and orders his pint and the barman, smiling from ear to ear says, "I've just had the Ringmaster from the circus in here, and he said he would employ you immediately and give you top wages"

The duck says, "The Ringmaster!......Does he not run a circus?"

"That's correct" says the man.

"The circus! Isn't that where they have that big tent they put up and down all the time?"

"Yes" says the man.

"Well what the fvck do they want with a plasterer?"

 

[Strokes]

On Tuesday, January 17, 2017 at 12:52, Buce said:

 

Why are Irish jokes so stupid?

 

 

So the English can understand them.

I don't get it.

[Renart]

No matter how kind you are,  German children are always kinder.

[iamafox]

My mobile phone is on aeroplane mode.

 

I threw it out of the window.

 

It didn't fly.

 

 

[Renart]

 

 

 

[Webbo]

We're doing puns with symbols now?

[Nick]

Just now, Webbo said:

We're doing puns with symbols now?

 

 

Anything to attempt to give them a semblance of integrity and credibility!

[Renart]

43 minutes ago, Renart said:

 

 

 

I sent his to a friend who objected to it because it says 'exactly' and not 'approximately'!

[Trav Le Bleu]

2 minutes ago, Renart said:

I sent his to a friend who objected to it because it says 'exactly' and not 'approximately'!

And so they should.

[Alf Bentley]

1 hour ago, Renart said:

 

 

 

 

What do you call a snake known for throttling people in South Africa?

A Boer Constrictor.

 

What do you call a snake used to clean windscreens in Germany?

A viper 

[ozleicester]

1 hour ago, Webbo said:

We're doing puns with symbols now?

yup

[notnow john]

I've just returned from a visit to Pisa,I didn't realise that famous old tower

was listed.

[Renart]

2 hours ago, Renart said:

 

 

 

I sent this to another friend and he sent me a link to a kids website to see whether my name appears within pi:

 

http://www.dr-mikes-math-games-for-kids.com/your-name-in-pi.html

 

Renart doesn't but my actual first name does 1663 times! 

 

I am now beginning to questioning whether I should get some new friends...

 

[Alf Bentley]

 

I see that Tesco has bought the Booker wholesale group: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-38767862

"The UK's biggest supermarket group, Tesco, has agreed to buy the UK’s biggest food wholesaler, Booker Group, in a £3.7bn deal".

 

I'm now hearing rumours that Tesco plan to merge Booker with Typhoo and MG Motors.

It will constitute an innovative wholesale firm supplying tea and cars, known as Booker Tea and the MGs. They're considering a sideline in green onions.

 

Look, if I had any work to do, I'd get on with it! 

[Renart]

11 minutes ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

I see that Tesco has bought the Booker wholesale group: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-38767862

"The UK's biggest supermarket group, Tesco, has agreed to buy the UK’s biggest food wholesaler, Booker Group, in a £3.7bn deal".

 

I'm now hearing rumours that Tesco plan to merge Booker with Typhoo and MG Motors.

It will constitute an innovative wholesale firm supplying tea and cars, known as Booker Tea and the MGs. They're considering a sideline in green onions.

 

Look, if I had any work to do, I'd get on with it! 

 

What the Funk are you on about? 

[Alf Bentley]

15 minutes ago, Renart said:

 

What the Funk are you on about? 

 

Failing to get on with work - as a soul trader.

[davieG]

1 minute ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

Failing to get on with work - as a soul trader.

I got it. I know my Onions well some of them probably not the Green ones though.

[Alf Bentley]

2 minutes ago, davieG said:

I got it. I know my Onions well some of them probably not the Green ones though.

 

I'll bet you know Stax of onions, Davie.

[Trav Le Bleu]

On 27/01/2017 at 14:56, Alf Bentley said:

 

I see that Tesco has bought the Booker wholesale group: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-38767862

"The UK's biggest supermarket group, Tesco, has agreed to buy the UK’s biggest food wholesaler, Booker Group, in a £3.7bn deal".

 

I'm now hearing rumours that Tesco plan to merge Booker with Typhoo and MG Motors.

It will constitute an innovative wholesale firm supplying tea and cars, known as Booker Tea and the MGs. They're considering a sideline in green onions.

 

Look, if I had any work to do, I'd get on with it! 

I see you have your finger firmly on the beating pulse of contemporary popular music.

[Alf Bentley]

4 hours ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

I see you have your finger firmly on the beating pulse of contemporary popular music.

 

I have to admit that I am often to be found on the frontline, jiving with the hep cats of cool.

[Aus Fox]

Has anyone else on here been on conjunctivitis.com

Bloody hell, I tell you this it's a site for sore eyes all right.

[woznotwos]

Missus says I was like a fukkin' animal in bed last night !.........................................what's a sloth ?

[woznotwos]

I've just had a shit so big that it touched the water before breaking off , I know i shouldn't be telling you lot but that's pretty ****ing impressive from the middle diving board !

[foxfanazer]

Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said, "Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air." The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, I just burped."