Depression

[Ozwin]

Just realized I never said thanks to you lot the other day. Was nice to get some feedback and advice etc. 

 

The general issues for me are career related, money related and relationship related so I've got a triple whammy really. 

 

Career wise I'm not sure I want to stay in the field I'm potentially working towards (teaching), I feel like I took the wrong route into it which has put me off it massively, money-wise I'm a student and barely have a pot to piss in and relationship wise I am in a great place but we live apart and can only see each other at the weekends so not having someone to bounce off every day (face to face) can take it's toll..

 

I think it's a lot of things that are building that are both stressing me out and getting me down at times. It just feels like the next few months are going to set the next few years in motion so I have big decisions to make (which I will put off until the last possible moment ofc). The more I think about it the more I want to move into an easy 9-5 job with little worries, get enough money to move out and be comfortable and generally just lead a quiet easy going life for a bit. I thought teaching was for me but to be honest I don't think I'm cut out for it and I've barely done any this year anyway (because the route/course is pretty rubbish). 

 

Sorry, this turned into a career advice post and I didn't mean it to! Just wanted to say thanks, you're all great.

Edited 12 March 2018 by Ozwin

[GeorgeTheFox]

I'm in a bad place. I've let Uni work get ahead of me and I don't know how I can get back on track with it. Struggling to sleep but also struggling to find anything that gives me the motivation to get out of bed. I feel like everything I've got myself into is my own fault

[ozleicester]

3 minutes ago, GeorgeTheFox said:

I'm in a bad place. I've let Uni work get ahead of me and I don't know how I can get back on track with it. Struggling to sleep but also struggling to find anything that gives me the motivation to get out of bed. I feel like everything I've got myself into is my own fault

Hey mate, stop and take a breath. Its great that you could post this.

 

Have a chat with support/mentors at uni. Go to a GP and have a chat. 

 

Uni isnt the be all and end all, either it will wait, or you will find alternatives, find a friend, or family member to have a chat to, be open, let them know what you are feeling, but definitly stop for a breath and ease up on yourself.

 

Talking is the first important step. If you want to chat, im online now...send me a message  (i dont promise anything useful, but ill happily babble while you gat things into perspective  )

 

 

 

 

[z-layrex]

1 hour ago, GeorgeTheFox said:

I'm in a bad place. I've let Uni work get ahead of me and I don't know how I can get back on track with it. Struggling to sleep but also struggling to find anything that gives me the motivation to get out of bed. I feel like everything I've got myself into is my own fault

Maybe it's gotten so ahead of you because you're not doing the right thing for you? So many people go to uni after sixth form because they think they should rather than it being what they really want in life.

 

If it is the right thing, remember this is normal and happens to the best of us. Higher ed is a pain in the arse unless you're super academic and it's easy to let it all spiral. All I can suggest is tackling it head on right now, bit by bit. Try to stop worrying about the amount of work and set yourself small goals of work every single day. You'll soon catch up.

Edited 13 March 2018 by z-layrex

[Finnegan]

3 hours ago, GeorgeTheFox said:

I'm in a bad place. I've let Uni work get ahead of me and I don't know how I can get back on track with it. Struggling to sleep but also struggling to find anything that gives me the motivation to get out of bed. I feel like everything I've got myself into is my own fault

 

I'd beg you to go and speak to your tutors. Ask for a meeting, sit down with them, explain you're struggling with your mental health and talk to them about your options for recovering your course. 

 

I let my depression get the better of me at uni, I dropped out and I've regretted it ever since. 

 

Opportunities I've missed, things I've wanted to do, either became impossible or overwhelmingly difficult because I'd chucked away a degree. 

 

Look, you can still have a great life without one but make sure it's what you want if you do end up leaving and not because things got the better of you. 

 

A good tutor should be used to this, especially in an age of more mental health consciousness. Try it out, really. 

 

You're not on your own, it's not all your fault, it's not uncommon, it's not unsolvable. 

[Nick]

6 hours ago, Finnegan said:

 

I'd beg you to go and speak to your tutors. Ask for a meeting, sit down with them, explain you're struggling with your mental health and talk to them about your options for recovering your course. 

 

I let my depression get the better of me at uni, I dropped out and I've regretted it ever since. 

 

Opportunities I've missed, things I've wanted to do, either became impossible or overwhelmingly difficult because I'd chucked away a degree. 

 

Look, you can still have a great life without one but make sure it's what you want if you do end up leaving and not because things got the better of you. 

 

A good tutor should be used to this, especially in an age of more mental health consciousness. Try it out, really. 

 

You're not on your own, it's not all your fault, it's not uncommon, it's not unsolvable. 

 

This.

 

 

[Jon the Hat]

11 hours ago, GeorgeTheFox said:

I'm in a bad place. I've let Uni work get ahead of me and I don't know how I can get back on track with it. Struggling to sleep but also struggling to find anything that gives me the motivation to get out of bed. I feel like everything I've got myself into is my own fault

1 in 4 of us my friend.  Tutors have nto only seen it before, they have probably seen it this week!  Talk to them and they will help.  

[the fox]

Thought i would share this here.

 

 

[HybridFox]

On 13/03/2018 at 04:50, GeorgeTheFox said:

I'm in a bad place. I've let Uni work get ahead of me and I don't know how I can get back on track with it. Struggling to sleep but also struggling to find anything that gives me the motivation to get out of bed. I feel like everything I've got myself into is my own fault

I've been in your place mate and it's absolutely horrible. A death in the family in my second year of uni completely knocked me back. I had lost so much revision time in the aftermath that I felt defeated already. Felt lower each day about the inevitable failure and blamed myself for not working harder in the year and leaving it this late.

 

One important thing however was that I made my tutors and department aware of what was happening. I was advised to fill in an extenuating circumstances form prior to taking the exams, so that after my results came out I wouldn't be seen as making "excuses". This made me feel guilty at the time as if I was cheating the system but believe me it's better to be transparent with them.

 

Ultimately I did fail my summer exams that year but was granted extenuating circumstances and was allowed to resit the following summer, effectively taking a year out from uni.

 

It hurt a lot seeing my coursemates and friends from my year move on without me. But at the same time the break allowed me to really refocus my mind and ensure that when I did return, I came back stronger. Ended up passing the resits and graduating the subsequent year.

 

My message to you is do not lose hope, you CAN do it. Please keep talking and make your uni aware of how you feel and what you struggle with. Your personal tutor is often a good person to initially open up to.

[Lionator]

On 13/03/2018 at 04:50, GeorgeTheFox said:

I'm in a bad place. I've let Uni work get ahead of me and I don't know how I can get back on track with it. Struggling to sleep but also struggling to find anything that gives me the motivation to get out of bed. I feel like everything I've got myself into is my own fault

University is absolutely brutal. In my final year I saw it turn people who were relatively level headed into mush and that includes myself. My sleep was horrendous, I'd have sleepless nights and to this day I have no idea why. We put so much pressure on ourselves to not only succeed academically but to also indulge in the university life. Since university my social life has actually improved, ok there's not so much of the drinking and spontaneous nights out but there's maturity, there's the ability to surround myself with my type of people, there's nights at the pub and there's work mates.

 

One of my favourite quotes which resonates with me from my time at uni is what I read in Matt Haig's Reasons to Stay Alive originally by Haruki Murakami. It goes:

"Once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” 

[Izzy]

4 minutes ago, Lionator said:

University is absolutely brutal. In my final year I saw it turn people who were relatively level headed into mush and that includes myself. My sleep was horrendous, I'd have sleepless nights and to this day I have no idea why. We put so much pressure on ourselves to not only succeed academically but to also indulge in the university life. Since university my social life has actually improved, ok there's not so much of the drinking and spontaneous nights out but there's maturity, there's the ability to surround myself with my type of people, there's nights at the pub and there's work mates.

 

One of my favourite quotes which resonates with me from my time at uni is what I read in Matt Haig's Reasons to Stay Alive originally by Haruki Murakami. It goes:

"Once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” 

Really like that. Reminds me of one of my all time favorite quotes...

 

 

[spacemunky]

Had my third visit with my counselor this past Friday. She wants to try hypnosis on me for my anxiety related issues. Told me I need to see my family doc again and get him to put me on anti-depressants first though. I guess in being totally honest with her I can't exactly hide my dark side. 

 

One month sober anyway! 

[TheLittleBigMan]

I think it's bloody marvellous threads like this exist. I'd like to develop a chat about meds. What peoples experiences of them are like. Benefits people have had from them and bad experiences too. It seems like they are handed out like candy these day's, and i've had plenty of times when they haven't been working and the solution has always been to take more.

Counselling can be bloody hard work sometimes, but sometimes the best medicine doesn't taste so good. Is there an over kill on meds? Or are they really that good? I worry they've become an excuse not to face up to the problem. Just take a pill and forget about it. Thoughts?

[spacemunky]

56 minutes ago, TheLittleBigMan said:

I think it's bloody marvellous threads like this exist. I'd like to develop a chat about meds. What peoples experiences of them are like. Benefits people have had from them and bad experiences too. It seems like they are handed out like candy these day's, and i've had plenty of times when they haven't been working and the solution has always been to take more.

Counselling can be bloody hard work sometimes, but sometimes the best medicine doesn't taste so good. Is there an over kill on meds? Or are they really that good? I worry they've become an excuse not to face up to the problem. Just take a pill and forget about it. Thoughts?

Well, it'll be day one of meds for me tomorrow.  I'd always sworn against them, based mainly on seeing my mom struggle with them for most of her life.

 

The counselling has been helpful, but even she felt I could benefit from meds.

 

I'll be on effexor xr(venlafaxine). I know it'll take a few weeks to take effect. I'm excited and nervous to see how it goes.

 

 

[Crinklyfox]

3 hours ago, spacemunky said:

Well, it'll be day one of meds for me tomorrow.  I'd always sworn against them, based mainly on seeing my mom struggle with them for most of her life.

 

The counselling has been helpful, but even she felt I could benefit from meds.

 

I'll be on effexor xr(venlafaxine). I know it'll take a few weeks to take effect. I'm excited and nervous to see how it goes.

 

 

Meds worked for me.  The doc explained the depression causes physiological changes that the meds address so that my body could get back to normal.  Without them I would have continued my downward spiral.  So for me meds were essential to give me a chance to recover but I had to address the underlying cause of my depression, which was me not handling adverse situations in a balanced manner and concentrating too much on negatives rather than positives.  I was off the meds in a couple of months and have never been back on them since.  Hope you have similar success with your treatment.

[HowardsBulletHeader]

Looking for some help and advice if some kind people here get the chance to:

 

My girlfriend and I have been together for 5&1/2 years and over the last 6-12 months mentally she's really struggled at times. I wouldn't class her as depressed but I'd say it's not far away, she has good days and bad days. She says nothing seems to happen to her to make her feel happy. She's going to the doctors soon to have some tests, to see if there's anything she can do. I've tried to tell her what I think the problem is, I think she takes it on board but it never seems to change anything. 

 

She works as a teacher for kids with learning difficulties, ADHD, mental health problems etc and she has a second job part time. She also volunteers her time for young people at a couple of different local groups. 

 

Personally I feel her problems stem from a few things: 

1- She works so hard for very little monetary reward (this frustrates her)

2- She wants to move out but see point 1, her home life has deteriorated with petty arguments with her sister and dad

3- She worked really hard at uni achieving her degree and isn't using it

4- She has no/very little time for herself, I feel that she "works away from work" (and I've told her numerous times).  What I mean by that is that she has every day looking after kids at school and helping them, then uses her spare time to volunteer to do the same thing. There is no hobby, nothing to take her mind away from work. 

 

Point 4 particularly gets me, because I'm a very active/sport orientated person, I feel that this is really missing from her life. That social interaction with a group of people you meet through a sport and also just the participation, to take your mind away from work. 

 

She keeps saying that she doesn't want to tell me things because she worries that she will push me away and that I won't want to be with her. I'm struggling with how to best go about this, like I can and do talk and listen to her but I'm just unsure of the best approach. 

[Crinklyfox]

1 hour ago, HowardsBulletHeader said:

Looking for some help and advice if some kind people here get the chance to:

 

My girlfriend and I have been together for 5&1/2 years and over the last 6-12 months mentally she's really struggled at times. I wouldn't class her as depressed but I'd say it's not far away, she has good days and bad days. She says nothing seems to happen to her to make her feel happy. She's going to the doctors soon to have some tests, to see if there's anything she can do. I've tried to tell her what I think the problem is, I think she takes it on board but it never seems to change anything. 

 

She works as a teacher for kids with learning difficulties, ADHD, mental health problems etc and she has a second job part time. She also volunteers her time for young people at a couple of different local groups. 

 

Personally I feel her problems stem from a few things: 

1- She works so hard for very little monetary reward (this frustrates her)

2- She wants to move out but see point 1, her home life has deteriorated with petty arguments with her sister and dad

3- She worked really hard at uni achieving her degree and isn't using it

4- She has no/very little time for herself, I feel that she "works away from work" (and I've told her numerous times).  What I mean by that is that she has every day looking after kids at school and helping them, then uses her spare time to volunteer to do the same thing. There is no hobby, nothing to take her mind away from work. 

 

Point 4 particularly gets me, because I'm a very active/sport orientated person, I feel that this is really missing from her life. That social interaction with a group of people you meet through a sport and also just the participation, to take your mind away from work. 

 

She keeps saying that she doesn't want to tell me things because she worries that she will push me away and that I won't want to be with her. I'm struggling with how to best go about this, like I can and do talk and listen to her but I'm just unsure of the best approach. 

I don't know if I can help but I would like to make a couple of comments.

 

Firstly your girlfriend sounds brilliant.  She is obviously dedicated to helping those children.  I speak as a parent who had a child with special educational needs.  The helplessness I felt when I found that his needs were something I didn't have the knowledge to deal with adequately was soul-wrenching.  He wasn't doing well at all until he was put in a specialist group with skilled practitioners who knew how to help him, that was the start of his improvement journey.  So I can't stress enough how valuable the work your girlfriend does is to both the children and their parents.

 

Work can be frustrating, no matter what you are doing, and it can bring you down.  It's also only too easy to give too much of yourself to your job, especially if it's your passion, and that can lead to burnout, which is in nobody's' interest.  I agree with you in that she must have some down time and relaxation for her own health.  

 

Incidentally practitioners who work with children often are limited to seeing them at a certain age - they don''t have the satisfaction of seeing the child reach their potential, aided by their efforts, which would give a degree of job satisfaction.  I'm retired now and have seen my son's journey - when he was an infant we thought that he would spend most of his adult life in care.  He's in his 30's now and lives independently, with minimal support from his mum and dad, and has been in full time employment for more than ten years.  This is beyond our wildest dreams and I can't thank enough all the skilled people that helped him get there.  Please tell her as she is this person to some other parents.

 

 

[ajthefox]

On 21/03/2018 at 07:46, Crinklyfox said:

Meds worked for me.  The doc explained the depression causes physiological changes that the meds address so that my body could get back to normal.  Without them I would have continued my downward spiral.  So for me meds were essential to give me a chance to recover but I had to address the underlying cause of my depression, which was me not handling adverse situations in a balanced manner and concentrating too much on negatives rather than positives.  I was off the meds in a couple of months and have never been back on them since.  Hope you have similar success with your treatment.

 

How are you combatting this, crinkly? Are you just trying to be more mindful of your thoughts..?

[Crinklyfox]

16 minutes ago, ajthefox said:

 

How are you combatting this, crinkly? Are you just trying to be more mindful of your thoughts..?

I can't stop my thoughts but I can put that inner voice in its place.  When I feel that things are bad I try to put my thoughts into perspective.  I used to just concentrate on the bad things and ignore the positives.  It was like looking at a white sheet of paper with a few dots on it and only seeing the dots.  Now when I get down, as we all do, I'm self-disciplined enough to apply a reasoned approach to my thoughts, to take the sort of view of my situation that a friend may take.  Fortunately I don't suffer negativity as often as I used to, and I certainly have not suffered depression for many years.  If I feel bad today, I realise that I didn't feel bad yesterday and probably won't feel bad tomorrow, in fact taking the long view I've felt good for well over 90% of my life.  So the future is there, and it's well worth having for the good times.

[HowardsBulletHeader]

9 hours ago, Crinklyfox said:

I don't know if I can help but I would like to make a couple of comments.

 

Firstly your girlfriend sounds brilliant.  She is obviously dedicated to helping those children.  I speak as a parent who had a child with special educational needs.  The helplessness I felt when I found that his needs were something I didn't have the knowledge to deal with adequately was soul-wrenching.  He wasn't doing well at all until he was put in a specialist group with skilled practitioners who knew how to help him, that was the start of his improvement journey.  So I can't stress enough how valuable the work your girlfriend does is to both the children and their parents.

 

Work can be frustrating, no matter what you are doing, and it can bring you down.  It's also only too easy to give too much of yourself to your job, especially if it's your passion, and that can lead to burnout, which is in nobody's' interest.  I agree with you in that she must have some down time and relaxation for her own health.  

 

Incidentally practitioners who work with children often are limited to seeing them at a certain age - they don''t have the satisfaction of seeing the child reach their potential, aided by their efforts, which would give a degree of job satisfaction.  I'm retired now and have seen my son's journey - when he was an infant we thought that he would spend most of his adult life in care.  He's in his 30's now and lives independently, with minimal support from his mum and dad, and has been in full time employment for more than ten years.  This is beyond our wildest dreams and I can't thank enough all the skilled people that helped him get there.  Please tell her as she is this person to some other parents.

 

 

I appreciate your kind words there CF, I know she's great, I just don't know how to make her realise it and pick her up when she's being a bit down. I just sit there, listen and respond to what I hear, but I don't know if that's really enough. It just seems a bit bare minimum to me. 

 

Your second paragraph is how I see it, I see it as there's no break, no wind down and no relaxation and that is the root of her problems. 

 

However, your final paragraph actually gives me a different angle of attack that I hadn't considered. It is obviously her passion and maybe instead of me trying to steer her towards a sport/hobby/break from what she enjoys, I should be trying to reinforce that she may not be able to see all the good she does but it is working. 

[Izzy]

11 minutes ago, HowardsBulletHeader said:

I appreciate your kind words there CF, I know she's great, I just don't know how to make her realise it and pick her up when she's being a bit down. I just sit there, listen and respond to what I hear, but I don't know if that's really enough. It just seems a bit bare minimum to me. 

 

Your second paragraph is how I see it, I see it as there's no break, no wind down and no relaxation and that is the root of her problems. 

 

However, your final paragraph actually gives me a different angle of attack that I hadn't considered. It is obviously her passion and maybe instead of me trying to steer her towards a sport/hobby/break from what she enjoys, I should be trying to reinforce that she may not be able to see all the good she does but it is working. 

Mate, when most of us see someone we care for suffering or in pain, our natural instinct is to want to 'rescue' them. I sense you're giving yourself a tough time for 'not doing' enough' but there's only so much you can do.

 

I know you're frustrated on your GF's behalf and I totally get that. My own wife has had an eating disorder for the last 30 years and is constantly complaining about her weight (although she's a normal size 12 like most women). I've literally tried everything I can to try and make her realise she's perfect in every way - but she still won't have it. I've realised over the years that it's part of who she is and we've both just accepted that it is what it is.

 

Maybe the test from the Doctor will unearth some stuff for your GF? It sounds like you're doing you best to listen and respond but sometimes the last person we want to really open up to is the one we love the most. I know when I was suffering from depression I couldn't truly express my feelings to my wife, but I could to a complete stranger in my therapist. My wife didn't take it personally and was just happy that I'd found someone I could be completely honest with.

 

At the end of the day, we just can't control what anyone else does or feels. Sometimes we have to just be there, care, show empathy and be patient while people work it through for themselves. 

 

P.S. As CF says, your GF sounds like a saint and you sound like a caring and supportive rock for her. I really hope she finds peace and happiness soon.

[HowardsBulletHeader]

35 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

Mate, when most of us see someone we care for suffering or in pain, our natural instinct is to want to 'rescue' them. I sense you're giving yourself a tough time for 'not doing' enough' but there's only so much you can do.

 

I know you're frustrated on your GF's behalf and I totally get that. My own wife has had an eating disorder for the last 30 years and is constantly complaining about her weight (although she's a normal size 12 like most women). I've literally tried everything I can to try and make her realise she's perfect in every way - but she still won't have it. I've realised over the years that it's part of who she is and we've both just accepted that it is what it is.

 

Maybe the test from the Doctor will unearth some stuff for your GF? It sounds like you're doing you best to listen and respond but sometimes the last person we want to really open up to is the one we love the most. I know when I was suffering from depression I couldn't truly express my feelings to my wife, but I could to a complete stranger in my therapist. My wife didn't take it personally and was just happy that I'd found someone I could be completely honest with.

 

At the end of the day, we just can't control what anyone else does or feels. Sometimes we have to just be there, care, show empathy and be patient while people work it through for themselves. 

 

P.S. As CF says, your GF sounds like a saint and you sound like a caring and supportive rock for her. I really hope she finds peace and happiness soon.

Thanks Izzy. The second paragraph sounds a very familiar situation, I'm further back in the process than you though and I'm very much yet to accept that "it is what it is". 

 

I don't know what I'm hoping for from the test, if something comes back that we weren't expecting then it really could knock her for six completely. But if nothing comes back then we are no closer to knowing the problem. Interesting to read about the therapist being the person you could open up to, I would want that to be me, I suppose this is the whole rescue act you mention initially. If it can't be then so be it. I don't think we are quite at the therapy stage with this yet, but who knows if something is revealed in the test. 

 

Your point about leaving people to work it out for themselves, is that how you felt? Did you want space and time to try and figure it out on your own? 

[Izzy]

7 hours ago, HowardsBulletHeader said:

Thanks Izzy. The second paragraph sounds a very familiar situation, I'm further back in the process than you though and I'm very much yet to accept that "it is what it is". 

 

I don't know what I'm hoping for from the test, if something comes back that we weren't expecting then it really could knock her for six completely. But if nothing comes back then we are no closer to knowing the problem. Interesting to read about the therapist being the person you could open up to, I would want that to be me, I suppose this is the whole rescue act you mention initially. If it can't be then so be it. I don't think we are quite at the therapy stage with this yet, but who knows if something is revealed in the test. 

 

Your point about leaving people to work it out for themselves, is that how you felt? Did you want space and time to try and figure it out on your own? 

When I was ill and then depressed, my wife was supportive to the point of 'smothering me' a bit. Her intentions were right but she almost cared too much to the extent that I felt under even more pressure to sort myself out. I also had my parents and my friends trying to help and it was all a bit overwhelming, so I needed my own space and time to work it through myself. But that's just me and your GF's situation may be totally different.

 

I suppose I'm a believer that people will only change if they really want to change. We only change if there's enough of a reason too - i.e. the pain is so great that we have no choice but to change. It doesn't sound like your GF is in denial (in fact it sounds like she's pretty self aware) so she's probably got her own thoughts and ideas of what it is she knows she needs to do.

 

Quite often the only thing holding us back is fear, and it was my therapist who helped me deal with this as she was emotionally detached from my situation. She didn't offer me any ideas, solutions or strategies and just listened while I figured it out for myself. We know through research that people are much more motivated to take action on their own ideas that ever being told what they should do do by somebody else.   

 

I suppose the key for your GF is to face into and accept what the real problem is before she can address it. This may be medical/biological if the tests show that, but quite often the issue presented isn't the real underlying problem.  

 

I'll shut up now as I'm not sure I'm helping that much. Good luck to you and to her mate.

[Lionator]

22 hours ago, HowardsBulletHeader said:

Looking for some help and advice if some kind people here get the chance to:

 

My girlfriend and I have been together for 5&1/2 years and over the last 6-12 months mentally she's really struggled at times. I wouldn't class her as depressed but I'd say it's not far away, she has good days and bad days. She says nothing seems to happen to her to make her feel happy. She's going to the doctors soon to have some tests, to see if there's anything she can do. I've tried to tell her what I think the problem is, I think she takes it on board but it never seems to change anything. 

 

She works as a teacher for kids with learning difficulties, ADHD, mental health problems etc and she has a second job part time. She also volunteers her time for young people at a couple of different local groups. 

 

Personally I feel her problems stem from a few things: 

1- She works so hard for very little monetary reward (this frustrates her)

2- She wants to move out but see point 1, her home life has deteriorated with petty arguments with her sister and dad

3- She worked really hard at uni achieving her degree and isn't using it

4- She has no/very little time for herself, I feel that she "works away from work" (and I've told her numerous times).  What I mean by that is that she has every day looking after kids at school and helping them, then uses her spare time to volunteer to do the same thing. There is no hobby, nothing to take her mind away from work. 

 

Point 4 particularly gets me, because I'm a very active/sport orientated person, I feel that this is really missing from her life. That social interaction with a group of people you meet through a sport and also just the participation, to take your mind away from work. 

 

She keeps saying that she doesn't want to tell me things because she worries that she will push me away and that I won't want to be with her. I'm struggling with how to best go about this, like I can and do talk and listen to her but I'm just unsure of the best approach. 

You're correct about number 4, hobbies are important because they're our release from work and family stresses so I would keep encouraging her to try something new. I'm also a big believer in positive expressed emotion theories, basically if you surround yourself with positive people, it'll bring you up, negativity will bring you down so point 2 is also important if she is in a negative environment at home, I'm not sure what can be done with regards to that apart from being supportive and positive around her. Finally it's hard to counsel a loved one, the vested emotion will make it very difficult so don't be too in her face with regards to finding solutions to this issue. Encourage her, be positive around her, tell her she's great, if she really wants to move forward she'll firstly need to accept that she could be in a better place mentally which it sounds like she's doing.

[CarbonVirtine]

May I ask about counselling? I struggle with depression, and suffer anxiety and mild panic attacks. I'm seeing a counsellor 3 to 4 times a month (depending on what I can afford) We talk, she's very perceptive and I feel lifted after our chats. Thing is, I'm not sure our chats are actually going anywhere. I guess I'm expecting her to lead our chats more than she is, for her to be suggesting things for me to try. I don't want to go the drugs route (I avoid meds in my life generally) but I'm not sure whether 'talking therapy' is working for me, or perhaps my counsellor isn't suited to me. I've only been in counselling for 2 months so maybe I'm being too expectant, too hopeful. What are others thoughts?

 

I'd like to offer something about 'doing something' for your partner, but from a sufferers perspective. My wife has had to put up with me, and my mood swings, for years. She's always there for me, only occasionally losing patience with me. As much as I'd like her to help me more, to 'cure' me with love and devotion, I don't expect her to. She's not a mental health professional, not trained to help me and I don't expect her to wave a magic wand. It is difficult for her, I know, in more than one way, to be with me and watch me in pain, powerless to do anything. And lord knows I make her life difficult sometimes. I see that and tell her that she does all I could want simply by just staying with me and caring.

 

It sounds perverse perhaps, but I feel (as the sufferer) that you need to reassure the carer. Assure them that they are doing all you could want and you recognise the leg work (as hard as it is) has to come from within yourself, you don't expect it from them. So to the carer, I would say don't feel that you are not doing enough. You are, simply by caring and by being there. That helps enormously on a day-to-day basis.